When asked if he’d ever date his then 22-year-old Silver Linings Playbook costar Jennifer Lawrence at the Golden Globes in January, Bradley Cooper, 38, responded, “If it didn’t happen by now, it’s not gonna happen. I could literally be her father.”
Ahhhh, I thought. A grown man who prefers age-appropriate women. How quaint!
Flash forward a few months to April, and it looked like Brad fell in love with his daughter’s best friend when he began squiring British model Suki Waterhouse, then 20, around town and beyond (she’s since turned 21. I hope they took shots together!).
He’ll take you from Downton Abbey to Uptown in the Sky!
However, there is a truth so damning that I can barely bring myself to type the sentence for fear that my computer will explode, and I’m too cheap to buy a new one.
Okay, now that the dust has settled please come out from the debris. I’m shocked too, especially since Alex and I once hooked up (in my dream. But it was a very realistic dream.).
See, Michael K from Dlisted, the best blog in the world besides mine, revealed this piece of bad news which he got from the Daily Mail. Alex’s reportedly been dating Swedish actress Alicia Vikander for a year.
Like I said, I’m cuter.
I don’t know what Skarsgard could possibly see in a beautiful and rich 24-year-old Scandinavian when he could date a very smart American girl who likes to read and drink wine at the same time.
And give you citizenship. Don’t forget that!
So Alex, I guess we will never make true love together so take your true blood elsewhere. Maybe the North Pole or something.
Yesterday it was announced that Ben Affleck would be the next Batman in the Man of Steel sequel.
Instead of cheers, I got a lot of this around the social media world.
“I have a feeling I’m not in Wonderland anymore.”
Why all the Ben Affleck hate? When did it become the cool thing to piss on my favorite Bostonian bro? What did he do to YOU?
Though if you were Mitch in Dazed and Confused I could understand your bitterness.
So for all you naysayers, allow me to present to you my defense of US citizen Benjamin Géza Affleck-Boldt, honorary mayor of Fenway Park and captain emeritus of the Mimi. Here are his greatest creations in no particular order as they are all 100% awesome.
Jenny from the Block
He’s a member of the FBI . . . Female Body Inspectors.Oh yes I went there.
In 2002, Ben expertly played the role of kept man in the video for my favorite J. Lo song EVER, “Jenny From the Block.” You could call this a PSA of sort, as Casper Smart clearly studied it for his role as Lopez’s current piece.
Thanks Ben!
Mallrats
He has no respect for men with no shopping agendas.
In 1995 Ben portrayed Shannon Hamilton, salesman at Fashionable Male in the best Kevin Smith movie of all time, Mallrats. He was kind of a douche, but he did appreciate the New Kids on the Block as every good Boston boy should.
Dazed and Confused
Want to feel old? Dazed and Confused turns 20 years old in September. Egad. But Ben does the role he does best in the early to mid ’90s, asshole prick, as he inhabits the character Fred O’Bannion, enemy to freshmen everywhere.
The Voyage of the Mimi
Look at that smile!
Ben first starred as C.T. Granville in 1984 in the PBS educational series The Voyage of the Mimi, which every middle schooler in New England watched in science class through at least the mid ’90s. It was about life on a boat and it was SPECTACULAR. Ben uttered his famous line upon seeing a big old vat of peanut butter: “Holy chickens, that’s all peanut butter?” Is that great writing or what? Totally must have inspired his ear for dialogue that was so present in his Oscar-winning movie Good Will Hunting.
While the entire episode is fantastic, go to 4:20 in the clip below to hear the sentence that made 12-year-old me know that Ben was going to be a big star.
Violet Affleck
Dad’s bodyguard.
Don’t get me wrong, I love ALL the Affleck kids equally. As a fellow middle child, Seraphina’s my girl. And baby Sam is sooooo cute! But Violet was the first and I just love her geeky ways! In a world where Kingston and Zuma Rossdale, ages 7 and 5 respectively, give me an inferiority complex because they are too cool, Violet is a refreshing breath of air. She may be 7, but I want to be her best friend anyway. I tip my Red Sox hat to Ben and wife Jennifer Garner for raising such a normal girl.
Good Will Hunting
Nice jacket!
I grew up in the suburbs of Boston and then spent five years after college in Somerville, Brookline and Cambridge and I assure that the Ben Affleck character Chuckie Sullivan DOES EXIST. He’s a wicked good friend to all–you want him on your side. Matt Damon/Will Hunting is very lucky.
Andrew Simons lookalike
Could he be in a boyband?
This isn’t so much a creation as just a side effect of being Ben. In 1999 my brother Andrew was in high school and an athlete and could have doubled for Ben Affleck. Not so much anymore but hey, it’s all good!
So there you have it. Stop hating on Ben. He has a great track record and will make a fabulous Batman.
Just enjoy the rest of your Friday and dance to one of Ben’s aforementioned masterpieces.
Do you like the nighttime? Is it in your blood to boogie at underground clubs? Do you like your lovers to have sharp teeth?
Well, then, I have good news! Everyone’s favorite crazy vampire (and occasional lesbian) from True Blood, Tara Thornton, is back on the market!
To be fair, she was a whack job before her transformation.
That’s right, Rutina Wesley, the actress who inhabits Tara, just filed for divorce from her husband of eight years, actor Jacob Fishel.
To be completely honest, I am only two episodes into this season of True Blood, which just concluded its sixth season this past Sunday. So for all I know Tara is a fairy now. Whatevs. I never claimed to be the paper of record.
I am, however, the blog of hot men. So here’s a nice little picture of fellow vamp Eric Northman to get you through your day. YOU’RE WELCOME.
A sexy naked man who likes to read? Yes please!
If Alex Skarsgard ever google images himself and my blog posts come up, I assure him I am not a creepy stalker AT ALL. Though he can totally email me at liz@thedvrfiles.com and arrange a date with me.
Uh oh! Hershey’s at war with Swiss Miss and America’s snack foods must help!
I thought that bitch was neutral!
In this time when our hot chocolate is being attacked, we need the best defense we can get. Which delicious treat-savory OR sweet–would you want on your side? Let’s discuss.
Teddy Grahams
Yum!
Don’t love their fun-loving nature fool you; they’re frigging BEARS after all. Not only that, but they’re named after the Rough Rider himself, Mr. Theodore Roosevelt. They’ll speak softly and carry a big stick in order to protect and serve Krackel, Mr. Goodbar, and their ilk. Plus they’ll keep morale alive by singing around the campfire.
Pepperidge Farm Goldfish
That’s one cool cat. I mean fish.
Sure, Goldfish look all hip and cool with their shades and devil-may-care attitude, but at their core they are just simple American piscine creatures from Connecticut. Bonus points: With their gills and ability to survive forever under water (they’re fish, duh), they’ll make great additions to our Navy if we need to attack Switzerland’s lakes.
Annie’s Bunny Pasta
The yuppie cousin of Kraft.
Um, no thanks. Everyone knows that Annie’s bunnies will be draft dodgers and conscientious objectors. I mean, they’re ORGANIC. Go protest somewhere else, rabbits!
Barnum’s Animals
So virile.
After years of captivity in Barnum’s circus, these bad ass animals will be SUPER excited to showcase their strength on the battlefield. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my INDEED!
So I think Hershey is in good shape. Teddy Grahams are the Army, Goldfish the Navy, and Barnum’s Animals will enlist in the Marines. Semper Fi!
Annie’s Bunny Pasta, you can just stay home and someone will eat you eventually.
Hey kidz! I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me which must have been DEVASTATING for you but sorry, I was on vacation. I didn’t have time for you plebes.
I did, however, have time to watch Breaking Bad. (And look at apartments that I will never be able to afford.)
But vacation is over (thank God for YOU!) and it’s time to celebrate, because Simon Cowell is going to be a father!
Clearly he is excited too.
Simon, as you know, impregnated a New York “socialite” named Lauren Silverman who was actually married to one of his besties. Scandal! Since the announcement, her estranged husband Andrew has filed for divorce. In fact, he clearly has the Ex-Factor (get it?) as the split was finalized last week, according to sources.
At any rate, it is time for us all to move on and plan what we should give Baby Cowell. Here are my suggestions:
Candy cigs
Yum!
Simon supposedly traded in his beloved Kool menthol ciggies for electronic butts in April, but as anyone who has ever smoked knows he is probably crawling up a wall dying for the real sh– right now. What better way to satisfy the disgusting habit, then, than by purchasing candy cigs for his baby? Thank God for Economy Candy which is probably the only place in the tri-state area who still sells the wannabe poison sticks!
Muscle Shirt
Hot!
Believe it or not, but when you google image search “baby muscle shirt” not many options come up! But like father, like fetus, and everyone knows how much Simon likes showing off those pecs in his trademark tight t-shirts!
Blinded by the light.
Baby hair piece
Gorgeous!
Simon’s helmet hair is my American idol, even though it was manufactured in the UK. Gosh, to have such a full head of stiff locks! If his baby is born bald, this beautiful wig is JUST the ticket!
So I hope I’ve helped you decide what to get Simon Cowell’s baby as I have no clue where he’s actually registered. Happy shopping!
No, I don’t think Hank wants to sing at the Rusty Anchor like my home girl Blanche . . . .
My role model
Nor do I think he is ready to retire to Miami . . . YET.
Though who wouldn’t want to hang out on the lanai?
So what do two of have my favorite TV characters of ALL TIME have in common?
Not their hair.
And not their love for shoulder pads.
Maybe they both love cheesecake? It’s possible, though I never saw Marie buy a Junior’s for Hank.
No, here is what Hank and Blanche have in common.
I never want to meet Dean Norris and Rue McClanahan, the actors who portray them on their iconic TV shows Breaking Bad and The Golden Girls.
Why, you ask. Dean Norris looks like a perfectly nice person. It doesn’t matter about Rue anyway, as she passed in 2010 (RIP).
Well, here’s the thing. If Dean is not exactly like Hank, I’d be pissed. If he didn’t crack the same jokes or carry the same intensity, I’d cry and probably start doing meth.
Likewise, if Rue is (or was) not a total maneater I’d be all, Et tu, Blanche?
Truth be told, I DID meet Rue very briefly in 2007 when she did a book signing for her autobiography called, wait for it, My First Five Husbands. And she did not disappoint! Unlike Blanche, she did not invite a string of lovers into her bedroom . . . nope, instead she invited a string of husbands. Six of them in fact.
I wonder if Rue’s own headboard is as divine as Blanche’s.
Not sure, however, if Dean collects rocks minerals.
No, Moses did not part the Red Sea AGAIN. That earthquake heard ’round the world was the Earth’s reaction to the biggest news in the history of mankind. Beyonce cut her hair.
The 11th Commandment is “Thou shall worship at the alter of Queen B.”
This is groundbreaking because no one residing on this planet has ever cut their hair before. But we all know Beyonce is one to break barriers. She rides a bike. She has a baby. She sings. All things that have never been attempted ever before by anyone.
A true American hero.
This hair thing has truly shaken the Earth to its core. Be’s stylist Kim Kimble explains to People Magazine:
I got a little teary eyed! I’ve been working for her so long, she has this beautiful long hair and it’s hard to grow hair out. I feel like it’s my hair, I work so much with her. I feel a little emotional but excited for her too.
It gets better.
And despite many commenters speculating Beyoncé just removed her weave or extensions, Kimble says, “She had great, thick long hair, which she cut off because she’s ready to make a statement. It’s a great [one] to make: I’m beautiful, sexy, bold and I can do it all. She’s the perfect model for that: A working woman, mom, superstar, businesswoman. She’s powerful in herself.”
Jesus F—ing Christ. I’m going to put the sarcasm down a moment and put this sh– in perspective. Home girl cut her hair. Hair grows back. She did not amputate a leg or cure cancer or give birth to septuplets (Heck, did she even give birth to Blue Ivy?). She f—ing cut her hair. This does not make her a model for working women. Okay?
I wonder what kind of history Beyonce will make tomorrow. Maybe she’ll go food shopping? The world eagerly waits.
The DVR Files 