Happy 4th birthday, DVR Files! Mama still loves you!

Today marks the fourth birthday of The DVR Files!

We all know about deadbeat dads, but yours truly has been a deadbeat mama to the greatest blog of all time. Yeah, I haven’t written for six months.

Just call me Kim Cattrall in Crossroads. If you don't get that reference, you are dead to me.

Just call me Kim Cattrall in Crossroads. If you don’t get that reference, you are dead to me.

Do I have excuses? You bet. During the time I abandoned my child, I was busy becoming a meme on Broad City alongside Ilana Glazer.

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HOWEVER, I don’t want to pay child support so I will start writing again!

Stay tuned my friends.

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Emmy Predictions 2015: more of them!

Just a lil more time to the Emmys and here we go!

He won't win. Boo!

He won’t win. Boo!

Outstanding Drama Series

who I want to win: Better Call Saul

who will win: Mad Men

Outstanding Television Movie

who I want to win:Bessie? Didn’t see it but I love the Queen!

who will win: Bessie. Why not?

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

who I want to win: Keegan-Michael Key

who will win: Ty Burrell

Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

who I want to win: Jonathan Banks

who will win: Peter Dinklage

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

who I want to win: Niecy Nash. Getting On is a quiet gem.

who will win: Gaby Hoffman. Transparent is in.

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

who I want to win: Lena Headey

who will win: Christina Hendricks

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Emmy Predictions 2015: the Rest of Them!

Kidz! The Emmys are tonight and I’m en route to a christening so we gotta make this quick! Here are the rest of my predictions!

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

This is a tough one because everyone is great!

Who I Want to Win: Amy Poehler. I didn”t even watch Parks and Recreation regularly but the show ended this year and home girl deserves it.

Who Will Win: Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She always does so why not this year too!

Ouststanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Who I want to win: Taraji P. Henson because Cookie is the best dresser in the WORLD. Duh.

do not mess with this woman.

do not mess with this woman.

who will win: Claire Danes? I heard Homeland was better this season? Bueller?

Outstanding Comedy Series

Who I Want to Win: Silicon Valley. Whip smart writing with near perfect casting.

Who Will Win: Modern Family. Is it even worth having this as an award because they are the teacher’s pet of the Emmys.

outstanding writing for a comedy series

Who I want to win: Silicon Valley

who will win: Transparent

outstanding writing for a variety series
Who I want to win: Key & Peele

Who Will Win: the daily show

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Emmy Predictions 2015: Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

We should cancel this award since there is no more Bryan Cranston. What’s the f—ing point?

I miss this mean evil bastard!

I miss this mean evil bastard!

But the “show must go on” they say so there you go.

The noms:

  • Bob Odenkirk as Jimmy McGill, Better Call Saul
  • Kyle Chandler as John Rayburn, Bloodline
  • Kevin Spacey as Francis Underwood, House of Cards
  • Jon Hamm as Don Draper, Mad Men
  • Liev Schrieber as Ray Donovan, Ray Donovan
  • Jeff Daniels as Will McAvoy, The Newsroom

I watched a total of one of these shows on a regular basis–Better Call Saul–and I loved it so you do the math. Everyone tells me how good House of Cards is, especially my mother who asks me every week if I watch it, as well as Bloodline, another nominee that she and Papa Simons watch. (For the 4078 time, no Mom, I don’t watch either show! But I will start now because I traded my HBO Go password for someone’s Netflix. My sources will remain anonymous! I will not implicate them in a crime because I’m kind like that and I wouldn’t want my brother or sister to have to go to prison.)

Let’s be honest. They might go the sympathy route this year and give it to the Susan Lucci of prime time drama. Yes I’m talking about Jon Hamm. Mad Men FINALLY ended this year. So did his 18-year relationship with his age appropriate partner Jennifer Westfeldt which makes me NOT want him to win. You’re probably thinking, but Liz, maybe the Hammaconda could finally be yours!

You know I had to do it one last time.

Yes I’m a perv. Duh.

But I’m not like that. I don’t think I could handle it? Plus I liked him with Jen! She was normal! (Maybe? I never actually met her.) She was his age! She was in Kissing Jessica Stein! Now he’s going to be a cliche and date a 24-year-old-model and say he’s young inside and that she’s an old soul and they’re peeeeerrrrrfect together!

She's a 20-something yoga instructor. I don't get what he sees in her AT ALL.

I bet that’s what Alec said about Hilaria.

All right I’m not bitter at all. NOT AT ALL. This is supposed to be about the Emmys, right? I’ll move on.

In conclusion:

Who I Want to Win: Bob Odenkirk

Who Will Win: Jon Hamm

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Emmy Predictions 2015: Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Another day, another Emmy prediction. How lucky you are to have me at your service!

Proud to serve.

Proud to serve.

Time to discuss Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series.

The noms:

  • Anthony Anderson as Andre Johnson, black-ish
  • Matt LeBlanc as Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
  • Don Cheadle as Marty Kaan, House of Lies
  • Louis C.K. as Louie, Louies
  • William H. Macy as Frank Gallagher, Shameless
  • Will Forte as Phil Miller, The Last Man on Earth
  • Jeffrey Tambor as Maura Pfefferman, Transparent

Wait a minute . . . I’m confused. Where is Jim Parsons?

A parody of a nerd

Here?

Did the Emmys finally realize that The Big Bang Theory is not funny, despite what my mom thinks? Congratulations Emmys!

Honestly, I don’t even care who wins because it’s not going to be Jim. That’s all that matters! And I know these are fighting words for all you Big Bang geeks! Bring it on!

In conclusion:

Who I Want to Win: Don Cheadle. But not for House of Lies. He should win for his role as Roland Wilson on The Golden Palace even though it’s 22 years overdue.

I'd check into a hotel where Cheadle is working, especially in Miami, which is so nice that I'll say it thrice!

BABE.

Who Will Win: Jeffrey Tambor.

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Emmy Predictions 2015: Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or a Movie

Uh oh. Just a few more days till the Emmys and millions of predictions to make.

I don't care about Auntie Em I just want to know who wins the Emmys Goddamnit!

I don’t care about Auntie Em I just want to know who wins the Emmys, goddamnit!

 

Our second award is Outstanding Lead Actress in a Limited Series or a Movie.

The noms:

  • Felicity Huffman as Barb, American Crime
  • Jessica Lange as Elsa Mars, American Horror Story: Freak Show
  • Queen Latifah as Bessie Smith, Bessie 
  • Frances McDormand as Olive Kitteridge, Olive Kitteridge
  • Emma Thompson as Mrs. Lovett, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (Live From Lincoln Center)
  • Maggie Gyllenhaal as Nessa Stein, The Honorable Woman

This is a tough pick because these are some stronggggg performances. I would know because I saw two of them. #Truth.

But Olive Kitteridge was the best thing on TV this year (well, 2014 technically but whatever) so, yeah, you can guess what I’ll say!

In conclusion:

Who I Want to Win: Frances McDormand

Who Will Win: Jessica Lange. This was her last season on American Horror Story and she’s won twice before so why not again.

 

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Emmy Predictions 2015: Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or a Movie

Yoohoo. It’s your favorite blogger who is always disappearing. I’m kind of like Judy Winslow on Family Matters. One minute I’m there, and then the next minute I’m gone!

Laura was probably worried she'd steal Urkel!

“Bish, I mean Laura, please. I don’t want to date Urkel.”

Actually, I’m more like Dylan McKay when he left Beverly Hills, 90210 and then came back because the world needed his sideburns.

I'd hit it.

I’d hit it.

You might not need my sideburns, world, but you DO need my Emmy predictions. So lucky you, I have returned from the dormant! Call me Mount DVR Files, because I am about to SPEW major pop culture lava! The Emmys are just a few days away and we have LOTS of categories to cover. Ready?

Our first award is Outstanding Lead Actor in a Limited Series or a Movie.

The noms:

  • Timothy Hutton as Russ, American Crime
  • Ricky Gervais as Derek, Derek Special
  • Adrien Brody as Harry Houdini, Houdini
  • David Oyelolo as Peter Snowden, Nightingale
  • Richard Jenkins as Henry Kitteridge, Olive Kitteridge
  • Mark Rylance as Thomas Cromwell, Wolf Hall

Well, what do you know? I’ve seen ONE of the shows nominated, Olive Kitteridge! And what do you know, it’s one of the best things I watched on TV all year! It’s the rare occasion when the movie is better than the book (for all you non-literary freaks, the HBO miniseries was based on the book of the same name by author Elizabeth Strout.).

I’m sure Timothy, Ricky, Adrien, David, and Mark were all great in their roles, but Richard Jenkins is one of my favorite TV dads of all time, even when he’s dead. His role in Olive Kitteridge is no exception.

I miss Six Feet Under!

I miss Six Feet Under!

 

In conclusion:

Who I Want to Win: Richard Jenkins

Who Will Win: Richard Jenkins

 

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That One Direction Guy is Going to Have One Kid

One time I was a pre-teen. It lasted a couple of years, from age 11-12. It was a good time in some ways. I discovered Beverly Hills, 90210. My mom let me see Backdraft in the theater even though it was rated R. I read Cujo by Stephen King because I was edgy.

Billy Baldwin was always the hot one.

Billy Baldwin was always the hot one.

It was a terrible time in other ways. The Golden Girls ended its 7 year run. My mom wouldn’t let me see Cape Fear in the theater. I pretended to be too good for Christopher Pike but I read him in secrecy.

That poor girl!

That poor girl!

Adolescence is sometimes fun and sometimes very, very painful. So I can really feel for those tweens devastated by the news today that Louis Tomlinson from One Direction got some trick pregnant.

He's no Harry Styles.

He’s no Harry Styles. And yes, I am ashamed I know who Harry Styles is.

I have never heard a One Direction song nor have I read a Teen Beat magazine since seventh grade so I’ll let the little ones mourn in private. After all, I feel their pain. I do. This is EXACTLY how I felt when I found out Luke Perry was getting married to someone that was not me way back in 1993. That bitch, Minnie Sharp!

Mandatory Credit: Photo by RANDY BAUER / Rex Features (205791a)  LUKE PERRY  CAROUSEL OF HOPE CHARITY LAUNCH, LOS ANGELES, AMERICA - 1992

Should have been me.

By the time Luke and Minnie divorced in 2003, I was over it. So One Direction freaks, it WILL get better!

 

 

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Coming Out Of Semi-Retirement: The DVR Files is BACK!

OMG, it’s been almost 3 months since I’ve last written for the most important blog of all time.

Someone is excited I'm back!

Someone is excited I’m back!

Don’t be snarky and be all, what, you’re finally writing for Fart Blog again? Because while I agree that is a VERY necessary examination of our times, home boy hasn’t even updated that since 2011. I’m talking about The DVR Files. Duh. I’m far more relevant.

She just really enjoys the fall.

Courtney Stodden would agree.

In the coming weeks I’ll be discussing the Emmy nominations (they’re being announced on Thursday), how Violet Affleck is coping with her parents’ divorce, Silicon Valley, and various other shows that I’m watching on my DVR. It’s a tough life but someone’s gotta do it.

Goodbye for now, but  . . .

I'm sorry but I had to do it.

(Sorry but I had to do it.)

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Which Boston Celeb is the Most Wicked Hottest?

Today is a wicked big day in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. It’s the Boston Marathon!

Duh. Wait, I changed my mind. Don't keep calm.

I changed my mind. Don’t keep calm.

Marathon Monday is the kind of wicked awesome day where you wake up, grab your coffee from Dunkies, stop at the packie for a six-pack of Sam Adams which you plan on brown-bagging, then head to the city so you can watch the race. It’s wicked fun.

I’m stuck in New York City so I won’t be watching the marathon. I’d take the Fung Wah bus back to town but it got shut down because apparently it is wicked dangerous. Oh well!

Looks like a bus, operates like a space shuttle.

Looks like a bus, operates like a space shuttle.

Got me thinking . . . if I WERE to run the Boston Marathon, which Boston hottie would I want to meet me at the finish line?

Would it be . . . .

Marky Mark?

I'll get between you and your Calvins.

I’ll get between you and your Calvins and feel the good vibrations.

His brother Donnie?

He's got the right stuff.

He’s got the right stuff.

Sam Malone?

He'd buy me a drink at Cheers.

He’d buy me a drink at Cheers.

Will Hunting?

He could calculate my marathon splits wicked fast.

He could calculate my marathon splits wicked fast.

Larry Bird?

He's probably in French Lick, Indiana.

He’s probably in French Lick, Indiana.

It’s a wicked tough decision! All I know is I would want to jump in the Charles River afterwards because I love that dirty water! Yeah I said it.

 

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