The DVR Files Turns 6 Today!

Today The DVR Files turns six years old!

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Things that The DVR Files has outlasted:

  • Brangelina’s marriage.
  • The HBO show Looking (and yes this PAINS me to write).
  • Lindsay Lohan’s career post-Mean Girls.
  • Any semblance of pride LeAnn Rimes ever had.
  • Laser discs

What I’m trying to say is we’re doing okay over here. Yes, I have been known to slack off. But I always get you back on my side when show you a picture of Jon Hamm’s delightful assets! You’re welcome!

Jon Hamm pants

So happy birthday to us!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 8!

Bad news. Cary Grant was not Catholic so he can’t be a hot Catholic of Lent. But let’s look at him anyway!

CaryGrant
I’d commit all kinds of sins if it meant spending one night with him! The awful truth is that I’d be the talk of the town if I could be his dream wife but since we’re not married it would just be an affair to remember. When you’re in love you’re okay with being indiscreet! How notorious! What a bunch of monkey business!

I can’t even be his girl Friday because this hot Catholic already took the role. Yes, I’m talking about Rosalind Russell, and yes, she’s the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 8!

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Lucky bitch!

Rosalind was one of those classic actresses from the Golden Age of Hollywood. In addition to His Girl Friday, she starred in PicnicGypsy, and Auntie Mame to name just a few. She sadly died in 1976 at the age of 69 after a battle with breast cancer.

You are missed, Rosalind! Hope you’re having a cocktail with Cary in heaven celebrating being named the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 8!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 7!

As a kid, I had dreams. In sixth grade I predicted I’d write a novel by the time I graduated from high school. That didn’t happen, but I did write this for my school paper:

ToriSpellingArticle

Now I’m writing an AMAZING blog that occasionally three people will read when they google image “Peter from Cosby Show” and they are tricked into clicking onto one of my many “articles” about the ’80s child icon. I’m so money and I don’t even know it!

Wait . . . did I just say that? All this talk about high school brought me back to 1997, the year I graduated, and the summer I spent watching what we thought was the coolest movie of all time, Swingers. And yes, I know it actually came out in 1996 but home girl lived in the suburbs and had to wait till it came out on VHS! By the time I got to college, the film was the soundtrack of every freshman dorm. You’re so money! No, you’re so money! It never stopped! We ALL loved Vince Vaughn, who, you guessed it, is The DVR Files’ Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 7!

'SWINGERS' FILM - 1996
Damn, Vince could get it!

Vince was born to a Catholic mom and a Protestant dad and was raised with both religions. Since they both celebrate Lent, I’ll allow this mixed bag!

In the twenty plus years since Swingers (and yes that sentence pained me to type because am I really that old) Vince has gotten a little less traditionally hot and really settled into that “Dad bod” trend that is all the rage. He’s looking like he spent a little too much time at the bar the night before.

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No judgment from me! I’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for Vince. He’s so 401k now!

So congratulations, Vince Vaughn, for being the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 7!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 6!

I’m embarrassed.

I’ve been writing about hot Catholics for two years and somehow the hottest one of all has escaped my attention. The devil is gonna get me, that is if the rhythm doesn’t get me first!

That’s right, folks, I’m talking about Gloria Estefan!

GloriaEstefan

Gloria has been consistently awesome since birth. She fled Cuba with her family as a young child and was raised in Miami. She’s been creating music since 1977 and forty plus years she shows no signs of stopping!

So congratulations Gloria for being named the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 6!

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Who Wore It Better?

Last night was the Oscars and I stayed up and watched the whole goddamn thing which is a real sacrifice when you live on the East Coast. I only drank diet root beer so at least I’m not hungover today. #BrightSide

One woman stood out for me more than any of the others (except for the holy trinity of Jane, Eva, and Rita!) and that was Jennifer Garner! She’s already been on all of the Oscars best dressed lists but for me it was more than that.

She copied my look from my sister’s wedding!

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A lot of you haters will deny that Garner went all single white female on my bridesmaid dress from 2014. She tweaked it just enough so it’s not super obvious. A darker shade of blue. Full length. Way more expensive.

But I know the truth!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 5!

We all know how wonderful and kind Hollywood is to women over 30. We are considered SO fragile that they trot out women in their 20s to portray us, because why should we be acting when our delicate asses need to be spending our twilight years reading self help books and hoping and praying that a widower with grandkids will find us desirable and take us out for the blue plate special at Denny’s.

That’s why the Oscars were so inspiring last night, because they allowed not one, not two, but THREE women over 75 to present: Jane Fonda (80), Eva Marie Saint (93), and one hot broad I’ll get to in a sec. The oldest man, meanwhile, was Christopher Walken, who is a mere 74. Finally! Women win the battle of ageism!

Back to that hot broad. She’s 86 and still working today. She’s an EGOT. She starred as Sister Pete on one of my all time favorite shows, Oz. How appropriate, then, that she is the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 5. Yes, I’m talking about bad ass bitch Rita Moreno!

RitaMoreno

Rita is one of the women who is endlessly inspires me and it’s so appropriate to celebrate her during Women’s History Month. She won the 1962 Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for her performance as Anita in West Side Story. Fifty six years later she returned to the Oscars in the same dress! You go grown woman!

While a lit of people Rita’s age would retire on the beach, not her. She currently stars in the reboot of One Day at a Time, produced by the fellow fierce senior Norman Lear, 95. She’s living her best life ever and I’m proud to be a fan!

So congratulations, Rita Moreno, for being the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 5!

 

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 4!

So I know Lent has been going on since Valentine’s Day so today is technically Day 19 of Lent (or maybe NOT) but Lent operates at a slow pace in my world. I gave up Candy Crush AND Two Dots and I deleted Facebook from my phone so I’ve been delirious with grief. You’d think that would give me more time to write, but instead it has given me more time to watch the 55 Datelines I have recorded on my DVR.

Keith Morrison stance

Keith would be proud.

But now the Oscars are on and I’m reminded that I once dreamed about being a movie star and instead I’m drinking diet root beer out of the bottle while waiting for my Brussel Sprouts to cook and, well, Fantine’s song “I Dreamed a Dream” comes to mind. But I don’t live in Hell, I live in New York City! Which yes, many people confuse with Hell but I know the truth. It’s more like Purgatory!

You know who likes New York City too? Brooklyn native and current Oscar host Jimmy Kimmel. I first discovered Kimmel in 1997 when he was the co-host of Win Ben Stein’s Money. He then went on to host the show that made me gain 40 pounds in college, The Man Show before becoming a late night staple in 2003 on the eponymous Jimmy Kimmel Live!

JimmyKimmel

Oh hello.

Here’s the thing. I always assumed Kimmel was Jewish. That’s a compliment, of course. And then one day I was trying to figure out what year’s Win Ben Stein’s Money was on and yes, I am ashamed I had to google it, and lo and behold on Kimmel’s wikipedia page it said that he had an Italian mom and a German dad and he was raised Catholic and even served as an altar boy! Swoon!

I always liked Jimmy and forgave him for the whole Juggy-Girls-on-trampolines thing because he’s shown a lot of growth in the years since and has used his platform for a lot of good, including being a huge advocate for my beloved vaccines!

So congratulations, Jimmy Kimmel! Not only are you the host of the Oscars tonight, you are also The DVR Files’ selection for Hot Catholic of the Day!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 3!

One of the most beautiful things about being an adult is you can do whatever you want. Cheetos for breakfast? Sure. Cheetos for lunch? Duh. Cheetos for dinner? Eh, maybe.

Another bonus is we can see Rated R movies whenever we want. We don’t even have to ask our parents to buy our tickets! We don’t even get carded! We can just mosey into any old theater and say, one for Midnight Cowboy please!

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And yes, I know Midnight Cowboy is actually rated X! We can see those too!

There was a time, of course, when this wasn’t the case. 1991 specifically was a tough year to be under 17 if you were a movie fan who had crushes on handsome hunks, as I was. This was the year of Terminator 2 starring Eddie Furlong, Mobsters with Christian Slater AND Richard Grieco, and Backdraft featuring just about every actor including The DVR Files’ Hot Catholic of Lent Billy Baldwin!

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Rescue me!

Backdraft came out right around Memorial Day weekend. 11-year-old me desperately wanted to see it. A movie about hot firefighters? Yes please! But it was Rated R and my parents weren’t the cool parents back then. We didn’t even have a Slip ‘n Slide. Somehow, though, I got my mother to let me see Backdraft. I saw it with my grandmother, who afterwards said of actor Billy Baldwin, I like his looks. I didn’t even know who Billy Baldwin WAS at the time. But I knew he made me feel weird things inside, in a GOOD way.

Now, 27 years later, Billy is the quiet Baldwin despite the fact that he married the most famous woman of all the Baldwin Brothers, CHYNNA PHILLIPS! Hilaria, take a seat!

Chynna

So congratulations, Billy, for being The DVR Files’ Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 3!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 2!

One of my strong points is I’m really up on current events. I can name four of Elizabeth Taylor’s sevens husbands without googling, I know the top grossing film of 1993, and June 25, 2009 is the day we lost two icons (including one who was  the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 2! LAST YEAR!).

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But Husband # 7, the stud known as Larry Fortensky, is the only one who mattered.

I’m not trying to brag, it’s just that I’m on top of the social pulse. And a few months ago I saw this movie called The Lady From Shanghai on the network TCM. I think TCM stands for The Current Movies. Anyway, this really talented guy named Orson Welles wrote, directed AND starred in it. I’m telling you, he’s going to go somewhere! He’s kind of cute too!

OrsonWelles

I love a man wearing a tie.

But Orson isn’t Catholic so he’s not the hot Catholic of Lent: Day 2! No, that honor goes to his costar and then wife, Margarita Carmen Cansino. You may know her better as Rita Hayworth!

RitaHayworth

Stunning!

Rita might quite possibly be one of the most beautiful women on the planet. She was married five times, including once to a PRINCE! I’m sure she went to confession a LOT.

So congrats, Rita, on earning one of Catholicism’s greatest honors! There are 40 Hot Catholics of Lent, and you’re one of them!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 1!

Hola amigos. It’s been a few months since I’ve written. No, I have not hibernated. Yes, I am still watching TV. I’ve also been playing a LOT of Candy Crush, and that sugar rush has kept me away from a lot of my goals.

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She’s sweet enough to give you diabetes!

But lucky for you today is Ash Wednesday, and in addition to having ashes on my head I also have a re-commitment to writing! And yes I know I say that every year! But I mean it this time – I’m going to renew my vows to blogging the way a real housewife renews her wedding vows! That ALWAYS works!

Anyway, along those lines I’m going to revive my popular series (ie my mom read it) from last year’s Lenten season, Hot Catholics of Lent! Every day, or let’s be honest, ALMOST every day, I will feature a hot Catholic of Lent! And who better to begin it than an absolute ICON of the screen, Jack Nicholson!

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According to wikipedia, Jack was raised Catholic. I don’t know if he’s still practicing, but he definitely has sinned a lot like any good Catholic. He cheated on his long time partner Anjelica Huston (how DARE he) with Rebecca Broussard, an actress who has no credits since 2000. Jack might not be considered hot in the traditional sense anymore, but he was smoking back in the day. I would have flown over the cuckoo’s nest to be with him.

Who will be tomorrow’s Hot Catholic of Lent??? Stay tuned!

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