Hey kidz! I know it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me which must have been DEVASTATING for you but sorry, I was on vacation. I didn’t have time for you plebes.

I did, however, have time to watch Breaking Bad. (And look at apartments that I will never be able to afford.)

But vacation is over (thank God for YOU!) and it’s time to celebrate, because Simon Cowell is going to be a father!

Clearly he is excited too.

Simon, as you know, impregnated a New York “socialite” named Lauren Silverman who was actually married to one of his besties. Scandal! Since the announcement, her estranged husband Andrew has filed for divorce. In fact, he clearly has the Ex-Factor (get it?) as the split was finalized last week, according to sources.

At any rate, it is time for us all to move on and plan what we should give Baby Cowell. Here are my suggestions:

Candy cigs

Yum!

Simon supposedly traded in his beloved Kool menthol ciggies for electronic butts in April, but as anyone who has ever smoked knows he is probably crawling up a wall dying for the real sh– right now. What better way to satisfy the disgusting habit, then, than by purchasing candy cigs for his baby? Thank God for Economy Candy which is probably the only place in the tri-state area who still sells the wannabe poison sticks!

Muscle Shirt

Hot!

Believe it or not, but when you google image search “baby muscle shirt” not many options come up! But like father, like fetus, and everyone knows how much Simon likes showing off those pecs in his trademark tight t-shirts!

Blinded by the light.

Baby hair piece

Gorgeous!

Simon’s helmet hair is my American idol, even though it was manufactured in the UK. Gosh, to have such a full head of stiff locks! If his baby is born bald, this beautiful wig is JUST the ticket!

So I hope I’ve helped you decide what to get Simon Cowell’s baby as I have no clue where he’s actually registered. Happy shopping!