Category Archives: And Not a Single F— Was Given

God Is Mean

Posted on January 14, 2015 by thedvrfiles

If you are one of the chosen few to be my Facebook friend, you know that I’m SUPER into free speech these days. “What do you want for breakfast?” you might ask me. “Bananas and cement,” I might reply. “Uh, you … Continue reading →

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Is Kate Bosworth Still a Thing?

Posted on January 3, 2015 by thedvrfiles

So way back in 2002 there was this movie that some people saw called Blue Crush. There was a blonde chick in it who had two different color eyes which was supposed to impress me or something. Her name was Kate … Continue reading →

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Paging Captain Obvious: People Mag Explains Why Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin Have Date Nights at Home

Posted on September 17, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Jesus H. Christ, sometimes I just CAN’T. See, I woke up this morning to start my day, as a person usually does. I logged onto Facebook because hello, I want to hear passive aggressive rants about people’s experiences on airlines … Continue reading →

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People Need To Stop Worrying About the New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie

Posted on August 5, 2014 by thedvrfiles

RELAX nerds. Take a breath. Play a video game. Sip on a Mountain Dew. You are going to live. The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is going to be fine. I distinctly remember seeing the first movie in the theaters in … Continue reading →

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Tori Spelling Has Been the Worst Since 1996, According to Me

Posted on July 28, 2014 by thedvrfiles

I am such a great person today, that I bet you all wonder if I was always so great. The answer is yes. Of course I was. Duh. In addition to being great for the past million years, I’ve also been … Continue reading →

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I Want to Give Birth To Halle Berry’s Baby

Posted on June 10, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Man! Life is TOUGH in the 21st Century! In order to make money, you have to set your alarm and wake up in the morning and go to this thing called a “job” and do things like write emails and … Continue reading →

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How to Avoid a Kardashian in New York

Posted on June 3, 2014 by thedvrfiles

One of the many things I do for my trillions of readers is educate. I don’t like to brag, but I consider it my calling to instruct you all on the ways of life. And today I am feeling particularly … Continue reading →

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Tori Spelling Continues Her Campaign to be the Worst Person in the World

Posted on May 6, 2014 by thedvrfiles

In 1991, the most offensive thing Tori Spelling did was wear this dress as Donna Martin at the West Beverly Spring Dance. Twenty plus years later, the most offensive thing she does is exist, and unfortunately for the world, she … Continue reading →

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True sTori: Blagh!

Posted on April 23, 2014 by thedvrfiles

I am going to come out and say it. Tori Spelling is the WORST. Yes I know those are fighting words especially when we live in a world with this: And this: And, yes, this: Tori, as you should know, … Continue reading →

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Martha Stewart’s Grandkids Like Caviar Because of Course They Do

Posted on April 8, 2014 by thedvrfiles

You know, I like Martha Stewart. She’s a great mix of high/low after my own heart. The highs include being a bazillionaire, hanging out with great influential minds, and building her own company. The lows include going to prison. I … Continue reading →

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