Uh oh! Hershey’s at war with Swiss Miss and America’s snack foods must help!

I thought that bitch was neutral!

In this time when our hot chocolate is being attacked, we need the best defense we can get. Which delicious treat-savory OR sweet–would you want on your side? Let’s discuss.

Teddy Grahams

Yum!

Don’t love their fun-loving nature fool you; they’re frigging BEARS after all. Not only that, but they’re named after the Rough Rider himself, Mr. Theodore Roosevelt. They’ll speak softly and carry a big stick in order to protect and serve Krackel, Mr. Goodbar, and their ilk. Plus they’ll keep morale alive by singing around the campfire.

Pepperidge Farm Goldfish

That’s one cool cat. I mean fish.

Sure, Goldfish look all hip and cool with their shades and devil-may-care attitude, but at their core they are just simple American piscine creatures from Connecticut. Bonus points: With their gills and ability to survive forever under water (they’re fish, duh), they’ll make great additions to our Navy if we need to attack Switzerland’s lakes.

Annie’s Bunny Pasta

The yuppie cousin of Kraft.

Um, no thanks. Everyone knows that Annie’s bunnies will be draft dodgers and conscientious objectors. I mean, they’re ORGANIC. Go protest somewhere else, rabbits!

Barnum’s Animals

So virile.

After years of captivity in Barnum’s circus, these bad ass animals will be SUPER excited to showcase their strength on the battlefield. Lions and tigers and bears, oh my INDEED!

So I think Hershey is in good shape. Teddy Grahams are the Army, Goldfish the Navy, and Barnum’s Animals will enlist in the Marines. Semper Fi!

Annie’s Bunny Pasta, you can just stay home and someone will eat you eventually.