The DVR Files

That One Direction Guy is Going to Have One Kid

Posted on July 15, 2015 by thedvrfiles

One time I was a pre-teen. It lasted a couple of years, from age 11-12. It was a good time in some ways. I discovered Beverly Hills, 90210. My mom let me see Backdraft in the theater even though it was rated R. I read Cujo by Stephen King because I was edgy.

Billy Baldwin was always the hot one.

It was a terrible time in other ways. The Golden Girls ended its 7 year run. My mom wouldn’t let me see Cape Fear in the theater. I pretended to be too good for Christopher Pike but I read him in secrecy.

That poor girl!

Adolescence is sometimes fun and sometimes very, very painful. So I can really feel for those tweens devastated by the news today that Louis Tomlinson from One Direction got some trick pregnant.

He’s no Harry Styles. And yes, I am ashamed I know who Harry Styles is.

I have never heard a One Direction song nor have I read a Teen Beat magazine since seventh grade so I’ll let the little ones mourn in private. After all, I feel their pain. I do. This is EXACTLY how I felt when I found out Luke Perry was getting married to someone that was not me way back in 1993. That bitch, Minnie Sharp!

Mandatory Credit: Photo by RANDY BAUER / Rex Features (205791a) LUKE PERRY CAROUSEL OF HOPE CHARITY LAUNCH, LOS ANGELES, AMERICA - 1992

Should have been me.

By the time Luke and Minnie divorced in 2003, I was over it. So One Direction freaks, it WILL get better!

Posted in Love Hurts | Tagged Luke Perry, One Direction | Leave a comment

Coming Out Of Semi-Retirement: The DVR Files is BACK!

Posted on July 14, 2015 by thedvrfiles

OMG, it’s been almost 3 months since I’ve last written for the most important blog of all time.

Someone is excited I’m back!

Don’t be snarky and be all, what, you’re finally writing for Fart Blog again? Because while I agree that is a VERY necessary examination of our times, home boy hasn’t even updated that since 2011. I’m talking about The DVR Files. Duh. I’m far more relevant.

Courtney Stodden would agree.

In the coming weeks I’ll be discussing the Emmy nominations (they’re being announced on Thursday), how Violet Affleck is coping with her parents’ divorce, Silicon Valley, and various other shows that I’m watching on my DVR. It’s a tough life but someone’s gotta do it.

Goodbye for now, but . . .

(Sorry but I had to do it.)

Posted in Great Television | Tagged Emmys | Leave a comment

Which Boston Celeb is the Most Wicked Hottest?

Posted on April 20, 2015 by thedvrfiles

Today is a wicked big day in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. It’s the Boston Marathon!

I changed my mind. Don’t keep calm.

Marathon Monday is the kind of wicked awesome day where you wake up, grab your coffee from Dunkies, stop at the packie for a six-pack of Sam Adams which you plan on brown-bagging, then head to the city so you can watch the race. It’s wicked fun.

I’m stuck in New York City so I won’t be watching the marathon. I’d take the Fung Wah bus back to town but it got shut down because apparently it is wicked dangerous. Oh well!

Looks like a bus, operates like a space shuttle.

Got me thinking . . . if I WERE to run the Boston Marathon, which Boston hottie would I want to meet me at the finish line?

Would it be . . . .

Marky Mark?

I’ll get between you and your Calvins and feel the good vibrations.

His brother Donnie?

He’s got the right stuff.

Sam Malone?

He’d buy me a drink at Cheers.

Will Hunting?

He could calculate my marathon splits wicked fast.

Larry Bird?

He’s probably in French Lick, Indiana.

It’s a wicked tough decision! All I know is I would want to jump in the Charles River afterwards because I love that dirty water! Yeah I said it.

Posted in Reality For Real, Trip Down Memory Lane, Uncategorized | Tagged Boston, Boston Marathon, Celtics, Cheers, Dirty Water, Donnie Wahlberg, Good Will Hunting, Larry Bird, Mark Wahlberg, Marky Mark, Matt Damon, New Kids on the Block, Sam Malone, Ted Danson | Leave a comment

Cry(er) Me a River!

Posted on March 16, 2015 by thedvrfiles

I’m a snob about some things. I eat goat cheese. I have Grey Poupon in my fridge. I’ve read a Canterbury Tale or two.

According to google image search, that’s Bill Shakespeare. But whatever, could just as easily be Geoff Chaucer.

I’m a real plebe about other things. I eat Progresso soup out of a can. I have store-brand chocolate chips in my pantry. I’ve read a James Patterson novel or two. In other words, I’m a “regular” person, just like you! If I were British, I’d be a commoner just like Duchess Kate back in the day!

I bet she uses Pert Plus. Who doesn’t love the convenience of a shampoo and conditioner in one bottle?

But I’m not British, I’m just a humble old American. Well, more like a humble youngish American, but it sounds cuter to say humble old American.

But this is not about ME. Well, it sort of it is. It’s more like my defense of what I am going to say next.

I am disappointed in Jon Cryer.

You shouldn’t be smiling so much.

Jon Cryer recently ended his zillion year run as one of the men on the sitcom Two and a Half Men. No one I know actually watched the show, except for my mom. I TRIED watching an episode in the Charlie Sheen years and it was all, sex! boobs! laugh track! The bummer was that they didn’t show any sex or boobs. What kind of show is that?

Not Weird Science, that’s for sure.

The thing is, I really wanted to like it because Jon Cryer has been my man for almost 30 years. Nerds, underdogs, and weirdos of all ages have loved him since 1986 due to his portrayal of lovable outcast Duckie in the iconic movie Pretty in Pink. He was smart, loyal, and could DANCE. He is the man responsible for introducing me to Otis Redding. That’s a pretty important milestone for anyone.

Whenever I watch that scene, I pray that Cryer will go back to his routes. Now that Two and a Half Men is over, we can at least hope. Maybe he can get a guest spot on The Blacklist with James Spader and beat up Steff for calling Andie nada.

Payback.

A girl can dream.

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged Duckie, James Spader, Jon Cryer, Pretty in Pink, The Blacklist, Two and a Half Men | Leave a comment

Happy 3rd Birthday to Me! I’m “Looking” for a Present from HBO!

Posted on March 13, 2015 by thedvrfiles

OMG guys guess what??? Today The DVR Files turns 3 years old! F— yeah!

Homegirl knows the score.

Who would have thought that when I wrote my first post on March 13, 2012 that I’d still be here on March 13, 2015? Certainly not the ghosts of the various other blogs that I started at different points in my life like:

Simon’s upset too that you can no longer read my Friendster blog.

At any rate, turning three is a WICKED big deal in the Liz Simons Blog World. And to celebrate, I am asking for just one teeny tiny favor from my favorite premium cable network.

HBO–please renew Looking for a third season.

They’re too shy to ask themselves.

Looking is one of my absolute favorite shows in the history of TV along with Breaking Bad, Beverly Hills, 90210, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and The Cosby Show (yeah, I said it). The problem is, no one is watching it. Looking centers around three gay men in their late 20s through early 40s living their lives in San Francisco while looking for love. It is without a doubt the most relatable and honest show about relationships. It reflects the experiences of all sexualities, yet the fact that they are gay is so important because mainstream representation is important.

We need to keep this show on air for two reasons. One, because it is amazing. Two, because we need a show where homosexual adults are treated as, you know, actual adults and not as one-demensional sassy sidekicks. The AV Club explains this much better than I can.

If you haven’t watched Looking, give it a chance. I know some of my straight male friends might write off this show (though they’ll never admit to it) but don’t worry, there is some hetero sex too.

You go girl!

So please, all I ask for my third birthday is a third season of Looking. We can do this!

Posted in Great Television, Uncategorized | Tagged HBO, Looking | Leave a comment

Where the F— is Skeet Ulrich?

Posted on February 24, 2015 by thedvrfiles

Originally this post was going to be about Ethan Hawke and other great things from the ’90s that I wish they’d bring back like Hypercolor shirts, the Spin Doctors, and Z Cavaricci pants.

Slater knew the score.

While conducting my extensive research on the biography of Mr. Hawke (ie his wikipedia page), I saw that he was in the 1998 film The Newton Boys directed by Richard Linklater (the Scorcese to Hawke’s DiCaprio). I remember WANTING to see that movie because, hello, Ethan Hawke, but for some reason I skipped it. I was going through a thankfully very brief Ally McBeal phase at the time, so maybe I was busy watching pseudo feminist TV set in a law firm featuring a unisex bathroom?

Yeah, you knew I had to do it.

Who the f— knows. All I know is, I didn’t see The Newton Boys. Which gets me sad, because in addition to Ethan Hawke, the movie also starred Matthew McConaughey (I can never remember how the hell to spell his last name, and I was a spelling bee champ), Vincent D’Onofrio, and Skeet Ulrich. Yes, SKEET ULRICH. Where the f— is Skeet Ulrich?

So hot I could scream.

In the late ’90s, Skeet was like a young Johnny Depp, when Johnny Depp looked like this.

He's clearly been a wino forever, bot not here!

He’s clearly been a wino forever, but not here!

Skeet starred in a bunch of movies that girls like me LOVED: The Craft, Scream, and As Good As It Gets (your mom liked that one too). He was shown the money in 1999 when he starred in Chill Factor with Cuba Gooding, Jr. (See what I did there? I’m a genius!) And since then . . . crickets. Sure, Skeet has worked. He’s done a smattering of movies as well as a couple of seasons of cult hit Jericho from 2006 to 2008, but nothing that quite fulfilled his destiny as a huge star.

I’m hopeful though–his next project is a film called Lost in Austin which costars Craig Robinson, Linda Cardellini, and Kristen Schaal, among others. Not huge stars, per se, but comic actors who churn out steady good world. So I will believe! Hey, it worked for Ethan Hawke.

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged Ethan Hawke, Skeet Ulrich | Leave a comment

Give me a Cookie NOW!

Posted on February 19, 2015 by thedvrfiles

Yesterday was Ash Wednesday, which marked the first day of Lent. I’m Catholic so I know this has something to do with Jesus rising from the dead some 40+ days later on Easter. It’s, like, totally important to our faith. So important that they make us give something up for those 40 days. And this year, I gave up sweets.

Exactly how I feel.

As you know, I love sweets. Especially cupcakes. And cake cakes. And cookies. And candy. And ice cream. And ice milk. And milkshakes. You get the picture.

Except for Mounds. I don’t like Mounds.

One day in and it’s been REALLY hard. Especially since I have 7 Baked By Melissa cupcakes in my fridge. Temptation is NOT fun.

The one bright side, though, is that my favorite cookie EVER is no longer on the market. Yes, I am talking about Magic Middles.

Don't get mad at me for including this picture. It was one of the results for Magic Middles for google image search. For realz.

Don’t get mad at me for including this picture. It was one of the google image results for Magic Middles. For realz!

Magic Middles have been gone from the universe for years, but at least their commercials live on. Thank you youtube.

If someone can find me a contraband box, let’s talk. After Easter, that is.

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged Lent, Magic Middles | Leave a comment

Hank is Back!

Posted on January 26, 2015 by thedvrfiles

Ben Franklin was one of those guys who accomplished a LOT in life.

He needs to condition that hair.

He invented bifocals.

The geeks rejoice!

He was a character in one of my all-time favorite books.

Second only to Incognito Mosquito Makes History.

Puff Daddy wrote a song about him.

You'd have to pay me $100 to listen to this in 2015.

You’d have to pay me $100 to listen to this today.

Pretty impressive stuff for a man who lived in the 1700s. And 300+ years later, he doesn’t stop! In 2015, good ol’ Ben Franklin has accomplished perhaps his greatest achievement: Hank from Breaking Bad is playing him in a miniseries on the History Channel called Sons of Liberty.

He looks like someone called his minerals rocks instead. How rude!

Again, pretty impressive stuff for a dead guy!

Sons of Liberty is a three-part miniseries that began last night on the History Channel, or as I like to call it, the Conspiracy Channel for Batshit Crazy People Who Know Nothing About History (see Nostradamus Effect, Ancient Aliens, and UFO Hunters as evidence, just to name a few). It continues tonight and tomorrow at 9p/8c and will probably be repeated several times throughout the week as well as available on Demand for those of us too lazy to set our DVRs. It follows History’s history (oh yeah, they’re just calling themselves History now) of ripping off titles from existing shows or puns (see Pawn Stars for evidence).

There will be no Charlie Hunnam, but he’s one of those evil Brits anyway.

I’m excited because Sons of Liberty is like a reunion of all my favorite dead actors from TV (spoiler alert) like Hank and the super evil Rene from True Blood (Michael Raymond-James as Paul Revere), as well as childhood faves like Elliott from E.T. (Henry Thomas as Paul Revere) and the one and only STEVE GUTTENBERG as Jack Bonner (who the f— was Jack Bonner? He doesn’t even have his own wikipedia entry).

Real men have mullets.

Let’s be honest . . . I’m probably not going to watch Sons of Liberty. I’ll just watch clips of Breaking Bad instead.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Aaron Paul, Ben Franklin, Dean Norris, Hank Schrader, Henry Thomas, History, History Channel, Michael Raymond-James, Sons of Liberty, Steve Guttenber, True Blood | Leave a comment

OMG Kevin Arnold Was So Cute

Posted on January 20, 2015 by thedvrfiles

Now that there are all these rules against paps posting pics of Hollywood kids, I am going through major Violet Affleck withdrawal.

Look at my girl Vi rock those specs.

I miss looking at pictures of super cute Hollywood kids! What am I going to do?

I know! I will review the past years of my life . . . the wonderful years of my life . . . The Wonder Years! Because, goddamnit, Kevin Arnold was the cutest.