I Want to Give Birth To Halle Berry’s Baby

Posted on June 10, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Man! Life is TOUGH in the 21st Century! In order to make money, you have to set your alarm and wake up in the morning and go to this thing called a “job” and do things like write emails and answer phones and drink free coffee–if you’re lucky and your boss buys a coffee machine. Otherwise you have to spend $2 a day at your local 7-11 or Starbucks. Ugh! What a terrible world we live in!

Bahhh!

Boo hoo!!!

That’s why I’ve decided what I’m going to do next–give birth to Halle Berry’s next child! Because then she can give me $16k a month in child support, which is $192000 a year! I’ll be rich! Or at least upper middle class–$192k doesn’t go as far anymore!

Weeeee!

Weeeee!

This is not as far off the mark as you may think, other than the fact that it is kind of hard to get pregnant by another woman (But whatever, science moves fast these days.). See, on May 30 a Los Angeles court declared that Berry must pay her ex Gabriel Aubry, the hot model she used to bang, $16000 big ones a month till their daughter Nahla, 6, turns 19 or graduates from high school, whichever comes first.

The sexy couple in better days.

The sexy couple in better days.

The couple split in 2010, and it’s been been messy ever since. Berry married French actor Olivier Martinez in July 2013 and gave birth to their son Maceo in October of that year, but it’s not the perfect ending you’d expect from an actress once on a show called Living Dolls. In November 2012, Martinez and Aubry got in a BRAWL outside Berry’s LA home that resulted in Aubry getting arrested for battery though hot damn home boy got beat up too! Google image that sh–, I don’t want to ruin your morning by including a picture of Aubry’s beat up face because you will lose your cornflakes or spit out your free coffee from work.

Here is a picture of puppies instead!

Here is a picture of puppies instead!

So Gabriel Aubry, I salute you! And Halle–want to dump Olivier and take me out to dinner? If we have a kid together and split up, I will only make you pay me $15k a month. I’m generous like that!

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How to Avoid a Kardashian in New York

Posted on June 3, 2014 by thedvrfiles

One of the many things I do for my trillions of readers is educate. I don’t like to brag, but I consider it my calling to instruct you all on the ways of life. And today I am feeling particularly charitable: I’m going to tell you how to avoid a Kardashian in New York City!

Though honestly, I could chill with Rob.

Though honestly, I could chill with Rob.

You see, Kourtney and Khloe are apparently in town, probably doing something for the one reality show I don’t watch, Keeping Up with the Kartrashians Kardashians. On Saturday they were spotted at Philippe Chow, a restaurant in midtown that has 4 stars on Yelp which means that it is expensive which luckily means I will never go! Anyway, they were with their boy toys Scott Disick and French Montana and probably on a double date. Wow! Newsworthy!


 Kardashian pose

Surprisingly, the ladies above are NOT contestants on RuPaul’s Drag Race!

It’s really quite simple on how to avoid a Kardashian in New York.

DO go to to Queens.

DO go to Staten Island.

DON’T go to Brooklyn or the Bronx–they MIGHT show up at a Nets or Yankees game. Other parts of those boroughs should be Kardashian free.

DO go to a museum.

DO go to a library.

DO go to a church.

These places have been declared Kardashian free zones. You are welcome.

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Goodbye Alice Goodbye

Posted on June 2, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Well this is sad.

Ann B. Davis, the actress who played the iconic Alice on The Brady Bunch, passed away yesterday at the ripe old age of 88.

She's the only bitch who could smile after working for a big ass family!

She’s the only bitch who could smile like after working for a big ass family!

I know what you’re thinking, and don’t you dare say it, because I will say it for you: Home girl was still alive? Who knew?

Well, she was, till yesterday. Oh God I sound so callous. Sorry! I’m not. I loved Alice and she made looking cooking and cleaning for a huge family SO MUCH FUN, which of course is a huge lie I found out the hard way when I got my own apartment and realized it’s not even fun for one person. But I still love her.

Also, she had an awesome boyfriend Sam the Butcher which hello, means free deli meat! God that would be useful in my life.

That's love.

That’s love.

But this is not about me. It’s about Ann B. Davis. And let us remember her fun-loving spirit. Remember when she fell in the Brady Booth and laughed about it? That’s my girl!

 

 

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Dylan Throws Shade at Donna Martin

Posted on May 14, 2014 by thedvrfiles

I can’t believe I missed this.

Last week on my Bible/muse people.com, Mr. Luke Perry, the man I was supposed to marry 20 years ago, declared that reality TV was trash.

Goo Goo Ga Ga. Those sideburns make me babble STILL.

Goo Goo Ga Ga. Those sideburns make me babble STILL.

Mr. McKay, who has grown up to be an old curmudgeon, but an old HOT curmudgeon thankyouverymuch, explains:

It’s put so many writers out of business and put so many actors out of work that it’s changed the face of entertainment. As a guy who has grown up making his living making primetime television – get that reality s––– out of here and give more writers and actors a chance to make shows that people will watch.

It’s not surprising that Dylan is such an arbiter of taste. After all, he drove a Porshe at age 17.

Of course the best part is that his former colleague Tori Spelling currently stars on a reality show called True Tori where she talks about how her husband Dean McDermott stuck his pencil dick in another woman (I know my mom doesn’t read The DVR Files, otherwise I would never use the word dick. I’m a good Catholic girl after all!). Burn baby burn!

Pencil dick but balloon face. That man is BLOATED.

Pencil dick but balloon face. That man is BLOATED.

While I do agree that there is a lot of garbage on my TV, Luke has obviously not watched RuPaul’s Drag Race. That’s a very educational show! It has expanded my vocabulary–I now regularly “throw shade” while going to the “library” and “reading” people and “spilling the tea.” Thanks Ru!

You are welcome Liz!

You are welcome Liz!

And if anyone wants to see what Mr. Perry looks like now, it’s a bit like that once hot football player from your hometown who peaked in high school and now drinks too much but you’d still hit it after drinking at the local sports bar on the night before Thanksgiving when you are home visiting your parents.

In the words of Michael K at Dlisted, I still would.

In the words of Michael K at Dlisted, I still would.

Also, if you want to see him naked, watch season 4 of the HBO prison drama Oz. That’s my PSA of the day.

 

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Women Who Should Not Cast Stones: The Atlanta Howives

Posted on May 7, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Confesh: In addition to being beautiful, charming, and great at parties, I love trash TV on occasion. Yes, I’m down with Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, Game of Thrones, blah blah blah (that’s what you write when you have to hurry to get to work. Journalism 101), but I also watch True Tori, Lindsay, and, yes, The Real Howives of Atlanta.

kenya-moore-video-3 gif

In addition, I’m a busy lady, so I just started watching the reunions last night. Oopsy daisy. Oh, and I’m single which is so shocking because hello LOOK AT ME. I’m gorgeous!

You can't handle the truth!

That’s how you take a selfie, right?

If any show is a reminder of how great it is to be single, it’s the Howives franchise. Off the top of my head I can think of 18,547 couples that have broken up on the show: Tamra and Simon, the Count and Countess, Vicki and that guy (Journalism 102: write “that guy” when you can’t remember the name of a man and you don’t feel like googling), Adrienne and Paul, blah blah blah. HOWEVER, the ladies of Atlanta ALWAYS remind my beloved Miss Kenya Moore that she is no one because she can’t get a man.

Exactly, Liz Lemon.

Exactly, Liz Lemon.

Phaedra and Porsha are the worst offenders, which is hilarious because, well, let’s examine their love lives.

Exhibit A

Behind bars

The above picture is what you get when you google image search “Apollo Nida mugshot.” Apollo is Phaedra’s ex-convict current husband, and probably soon to be current convict ex-husband. See, Nida spent six years in the slammer before marrying ATTORNEY Phaedra Parks, and now he faces a whopping 30 years in prison after pleading guilty to charges of mail, wire and bank fraud. Now, I’m not completely gleeful–he has two adorable sons with Phaedra and it’s terrible that they may grow up without a father–but there is quite a bit of what goes around, comes around here. I’m sure Kenya and any reasonable lady would much rather be single than tethered to this man. But you do you, Phaed.

Exhibit B

In happier days

In happier days

Above you will see Porsha with her ex-husband, former professional football player Kordell Stewart. The pair were married less than two years before Kordell filed for divorce. So clearly Porsha values the sanctity of marriage. And what’s worse is she’s been throwing shade on Kordell all season, subtly alluding that he is gay. It is so tacky and yes, homophobic, but do I expect more from a lady who believes the Underground Railroad just needed more trains? No, I don’t.

So every time you insult Kenya by saying she can’t get a man, just look in the mirror and think of the men you got. I think we know who has the better deal.

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Tori Spelling Continues Her Campaign to be the Worst Person in the World

Posted on May 6, 2014 by thedvrfiles

In 1991, the most offensive thing Tori Spelling did was wear this dress as Donna Martin at the West Beverly Spring Dance.

Gone with the Wind meets West Bev.

Gone with the Wind meets West Bev.

Twenty plus years later, the most offensive thing she does is exist, and unfortunately for the world, she likes to constantly remind us of this.

Tori currently stars on the Lifetime (of course) docuseries True Tori where she whores pours out her heart as she discusses the impact her skeazy husband Dean “Deano” McDermott’s cheating behavior has had on her and her family. And I say “stars” because home girl is working this camera harder than she ever did for her role as Laurel Lewisohn in the greatest telefilm of all time Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?

I don't about danger but I'd sleep with him.

I don’t about danger but I’d sleep with him.

In the latest episode of True Tori which airs tonight, Tori reveals that she was with her 40567 kids–actually 4, but probably 40563 nannies–the night Dean dipped his pen into another woman’s inkwell. Wow, this sounds familiar. I think he did the same thing when he met Tori back in 2005 and was married to another woman! But carry on, Tori.

I just think it’s hilarious that this is treated like some goddamn revelation, like Tori deserves an award while being a parent. I mean, if Dean wasn’t with the kids, doesn’t it make sense that Tori was with them?

Donna Martin would be so ashamed. I mean, we all know how much her mother Felice’s cheating affected her!

 

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Prince George is Giving Violet Affleck a Run For Her Money in the Cute Kid Department

Posted on April 28, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Goo goo ga ga! Bloopy bloop bah gah! Koo ka laka mooga!

What’s this, you ask? Did Liz lose her capacity for beautiful language? Did she have a stroke?

Nope, I have learned a new language. The language of babies. And that’s because I can’t stop looking at goddamn pictures of Prince George!

I'm a Prince and you can't have this! Bring colonialism BACK!

I’m a Prince and you can’t have this! Bring colonialism BACK!

Oh my God, I thought Kate was the only royal who I would covet (that hair, those shoes, the dresses! And I’m not even into clothes!). But f— that, it’s George I want to steal. This is my Revolutionary War, except reverse. I want to be British! I’ll pay taxes on tea!

Let’s examine some of my fave George jpegs.

I'm so full. Royal milk is better than yours, sorry.

I’m so full. Royal milk is better than yours, sorry.

 

I love powerful even in a dress, bitches!

I love powerful even in a dress, bitches!

 

I'm so tuckered out from being a future king! Life is hard!

I’m so tuckered out from being a future king! Life is hard!

I think Lil George is now my most favorite celeb child ever. Sorry Violet Affleck!

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True sTori: Blagh!

Posted on April 23, 2014 by thedvrfiles

I am going to come out and say it. Tori Spelling is the WORST.

This is not up for debate Tori.

This is not up for debate Tori.

Yes I know those are fighting words especially when we live in a world with this:

So understated, these two.

So understated, these two.

And this:

LOOK AT ME!!!

I am going to eat Brandi! But wait a minute I don’t eat!

And, yes, this:

Finally ate these. Not gonna lie--they were terrible.

Finally ate these. Not gonna lie–they were terrible. Give me a f—ing Reese’s.

Tori, as you should know, debuted yet ANOTHER reality show last night called, wait for it, True Tori. Jesus F—ing Christ is right. And it’s on Lifetime because of course it is. Anyway, in this new show, Tori explores her relationship with husband Dean McDermott after he confesses to cheating on her with some ho in Toronto. They had a “two day affair” which is a fancy way of saying they banged and banged and banged again. And again. I’m sorry, this deserves another Jesus F—ing Christ, which makes me feel guilty because Easter was just three days ago. But honesty Jesus is even all, I f—ing resurrected for this sh–?!?!

This is Jesus' mad face.

This is Jesus’ mad face.

True stori–I only watched about ten minutes of the first episode of True Tori this morning while I was eating my breakfast but honestly that’s all I needed to roll my eyes so hard my head hurt (Though you bet your ass I’ll watch the rest of it tonight!). Tori sat on a couch wiping her crocodile tears playing the victimized wife. Tean cheated on me blah blah blah. I hate paparazzi but I am going to reveal intimate details of my sex life blah blah blah.

Well you know who else cheated, T? You. And Dean. Remember back in the day when you met on the set of the non-Emmy award winning TV movie Mind Over Murder (I know) and you were both married to other people but you were soul mates so you dumped your husband over email and Dean dumped his wife with whom he had just adopted a kid but you were in love! You were so connected!

Well I remember that Tori. And now the crows are coming to roost. Or is it the roosters are coming to roost? I don’t have time to google the expression. Oh well.

Granted, maybe she talked about how they both cheated later in the episode. Who knows. And I do feel bad for their four children together as well as Dean’s son from his previous marriage because ugh, fame whore parents are the worst! Just ask baby North!

Get me out of here!

Get me out of here!

 

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Martha Stewart’s Grandkids Like Caviar Because of Course They Do

Posted on April 8, 2014 by thedvrfiles

You know, I like Martha Stewart. She’s a great mix of high/low after my own heart. The highs include being a bazillionaire, hanging out with great influential minds, and building her own company. The lows include going to prison.

Home girl can rock a prison poncho like NO OTHER.

Home girl can rock a prison poncho like NO OTHER.

I love strong, demanding, accomplished women. I even grew up with one-I call her “Mom.” Mom was and is a fierce bitch. She baked me the most delicious chocolate chip cookies as a kid. Sometimes she’d go very international and make pizza from scratch. “Liz,” she explained. “You are going to travel the globe through my kitchen!”*

Mom encouraged my curiosity and education and having an open mind and blah blah blah. But the one thing she never did was make me eat caviar. And you know, I think I’m doing just fine thankyouverymuch.

Luckily, Martha Stewart’s grandchildren Jude and Truman (of course they are named Jude and Truman), ages 3 and 2 respectively, don’t live like the rest of us plebes. Oh hell no. Those tiny toddlers are already eating “cacio e pepe pasta” (What in the name of Olive Garden is that?) and the aforementioned caviar.

Oh, and Jude is learning to speak Mandarin after mastering English and Spanish.

Jesus F—ing Christ is right.

*Actually she never said that. But we did order Chinese takeout a lot!

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227 Forever!

Posted on March 31, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Oh my God kids. The most amazing thing happened in the WORLD today.

Most beautiful bitch in the world!

Most beautiful babe in the world!

No, Brandi Glanville did not push LeAnn Rimes off a cliff. Bummer, I know. But this is even better. This morning I took out my checkbook to write my April rent check because I’m a responsible adult and all. And guess what number check it was?

227!

The only thing more exciting is if I wrote out check 227 on 2/27 for my apartment that was at 227 Main Street. But please, like I would write out my rent check more than a day in advance.

This makes me really miss the 1980s. Remember how great Saturday nights were? You didn’t need to go out! You could have a party in your living room with the ladies and gents of 227 and the hussies of The Golden Girls! Ohhhhh Mary! I STILL loving saying that.

Here is a clip of Sandra Clark channeling her inner Blanche Devereaux. Love both of those bitches!

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