You know, I like Martha Stewart. She’s a great mix of high/low after my own heart. The highs include being a bazillionaire, hanging out with great influential minds, and building her own company. The lows include going to prison.

Home girl can rock a prison poncho like NO OTHER.

I love strong, demanding, accomplished women. I even grew up with one-I call her “Mom.” Mom was and is a fierce bitch. She baked me the most delicious chocolate chip cookies as a kid. Sometimes she’d go very international and make pizza from scratch. “Liz,” she explained. “You are going to travel the globe through my kitchen!”*

Mom encouraged my curiosity and education and having an open mind and blah blah blah. But the one thing she never did was make me eat caviar. And you know, I think I’m doing just fine thankyouverymuch.

Luckily, Martha Stewart’s grandchildren Jude and Truman (of course they are named Jude and Truman), ages 3 and 2 respectively, don’t live like the rest of us plebes. Oh hell no. Those tiny toddlers are already eating “cacio e pepe pasta” (What in the name of Olive Garden is that?) and the aforementioned caviar.

Oh, and Jude is learning to speak Mandarin after mastering English and Spanish.

Jesus F—ing Christ is right.

*Actually she never said that. But we did order Chinese takeout a lot!