I am going to come out and say it. Tori Spelling is the WORST.

This is not up for debate Tori.

Yes I know those are fighting words especially when we live in a world with this:

So understated, these two.

And this:

I am going to eat Brandi! But wait a minute I don’t eat!

And, yes, this:

Finally ate these. Not gonna lie–they were terrible. Give me a f—ing Reese’s.

Tori, as you should know, debuted yet ANOTHER reality show last night called, wait for it, True Tori. Jesus F—ing Christ is right. And it’s on Lifetime because of course it is. Anyway, in this new show, Tori explores her relationship with husband Dean McDermott after he confesses to cheating on her with some ho in Toronto. They had a “two day affair” which is a fancy way of saying they banged and banged and banged again. And again. I’m sorry, this deserves another Jesus F—ing Christ, which makes me feel guilty because Easter was just three days ago. But honesty Jesus is even all, I f—ing resurrected for this sh–?!?!

This is Jesus’ mad face.

True stori–I only watched about ten minutes of the first episode of True Tori this morning while I was eating my breakfast but honestly that’s all I needed to roll my eyes so hard my head hurt (Though you bet your ass I’ll watch the rest of it tonight!). Tori sat on a couch wiping her crocodile tears playing the victimized wife. Tean cheated on me blah blah blah. I hate paparazzi but I am going to reveal intimate details of my sex life blah blah blah.

Well you know who else cheated, T? You. And Dean. Remember back in the day when you met on the set of the non-Emmy award winning TV movie Mind Over Murder (I know) and you were both married to other people but you were soul mates so you dumped your husband over email and Dean dumped his wife with whom he had just adopted a kid but you were in love! You were so connected!

Well I remember that Tori. And now the crows are coming to roost. Or is it the roosters are coming to roost? I don’t have time to google the expression. Oh well.

Granted, maybe she talked about how they both cheated later in the episode. Who knows. And I do feel bad for their four children together as well as Dean’s son from his previous marriage because ugh, fame whore parents are the worst! Just ask baby North!

Get me out of here!