Man! Life is TOUGH in the 21st Century! In order to make money, you have to set your alarm and wake up in the morning and go to this thing called a “job” and do things like write emails and answer phones and drink free coffee–if you’re lucky and your boss buys a coffee machine. Otherwise you have to spend $2 a day at your local 7-11 or Starbucks. Ugh! What a terrible world we live in!

Boo hoo!!!

That’s why I’ve decided what I’m going to do next–give birth to Halle Berry’s next child! Because then she can give me $16k a month in child support, which is $192000 a year! I’ll be rich! Or at least upper middle class–$192k doesn’t go as far anymore!

Weeeee!

This is not as far off the mark as you may think, other than the fact that it is kind of hard to get pregnant by another woman (But whatever, science moves fast these days.). See, on May 30 a Los Angeles court declared that Berry must pay her ex Gabriel Aubry, the hot model she used to bang, $16000 big ones a month till their daughter Nahla, 6, turns 19 or graduates from high school, whichever comes first.

The sexy couple in better days.

The couple split in 2010, and it’s been been messy ever since. Berry married French actor Olivier Martinez in July 2013 and gave birth to their son Maceo in October of that year, but it’s not the perfect ending you’d expect from an actress once on a show called Living Dolls. In November 2012, Martinez and Aubry got in a BRAWL outside Berry’s LA home that resulted in Aubry getting arrested for battery though hot damn home boy got beat up too! Google image that sh–, I don’t want to ruin your morning by including a picture of Aubry’s beat up face because you will lose your cornflakes or spit out your free coffee from work.

Here is a picture of puppies instead!

So Gabriel Aubry, I salute you! And Halle–want to dump Olivier and take me out to dinner? If we have a kid together and split up, I will only make you pay me $15k a month. I’m generous like that!