Would You Rather Press Your Luck OR Buy Lots of Groceries?

I try to be an optimistic person but sometimes I get sad. For example, I am upset that Bonkers are no longer manufactured. I wish that Justin and Kelly would have a baby together. I have never gotten over Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s divorce.

If these two lovebirds can't make it there is no hope for ANYONE.

If these two lovebirds can’t make it there is no hope for ANYONE.

Perhaps the most distressing aspect of my life is that I will never get to be a contestant on two of my favorite game shows of all times, Press Your Luck and Supermarket Sweep, because they are no longer on.

That's a f---ing Whammy right there.

That’s a f—ing Whammy right there.

This is a HUGE tragedy because I grew up watching these shows during summer vacations. And I’d be really f—ing good at them now. One, I know trivia like it’s no one’s business. Two, I have great reflexes. Three, I am a very skilled grocery shopper.

Amateurs

That’s a BIG banana.

For old time’s sake, let’s watch a couple of clips. Then you can go back to making the big bucks.

 

Don’t forget to pick up the bonus items!

 

I swear, sometimes I want to get married JUST so I’ll have a partner on Supermarket Sweep. And then I wake up from my dream and remind myself that it doesn’t matter, because the show is off the air. Life is so unfair! I guess I pressed my luck too much.

 

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Beyonce Aspires to Be a Brooklyn Hipster

Beyonce and her alleged husband Jay-Z are SO down to Earth. He rides the subway, and now she rides her bicycle! Stars, they’re just like us!

EXCEPT when they go on yachts. Then they are nothing like us.

EXCEPT when they go on yachts. Then they are nothing like us.

See, Bebe rode her bicycle from her home in Manhattan to her final gig at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn on Monday before heading off for the European leg of her tour (I imagine she is taking a paddle boat there, which she will naturally paddle herself.). I know she did this because she (or one of her minions) snapped a photo and posted it to Instagram yesterday. “I biked to Barclays for my last show in Brooklyn!” Miss Be captioned. How cute!

Yessss.

Even her grungy outfit probably cost more than my rent.

Oh bish PLEASE. This is New York City. A lot of famous people live here. A lot of them even ride bikes! You ain’t special.

Truth be told, I wonder if she hired someone to pedal for her the way she leased a surrogate’s body to carry Blue Ivy.

At any rate, how adorable these wannabe plebes are. I wonder if Be and Jay-Z sometimes clip coupons just because.

 

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Career Paths I Will Never Follow, Thanks to TV

People are always saying things like, TV dumbs you down. I don’t own a TV, I just eat kale. Why would I watch Real Housewives? I mean, I grew UP with them.

UGH. I hate those people. Not only because TV is AWESOME, but also because you can learn a TON from TV. For example, I have recently discovered several jobs that I can never do, all because of what I saw on TV.

Let’s discuss, shall we?

1) Drug Dealer/Manufacturer

oompa loompas

No, they are not making a disco ball.

When I first started watching Breaking Bad, I thought to myself, cooking meth may be dangerous, but it’s lucrative. Maybe this will help me with my financial issues? But then I realized that you need to be good at chemistry and that has never been my thing–I’ve always been a literature kind of girl. Also, you need balls of steel in order to deal with people like Gus Fring and Mike Ehrmantraut. I don’t have balls of anything, because I’m a woman, but even metaphorically speaking my balls would be made of Silly Putty. Easily malleable and totally able to be eradicated by acid and threats.

2) Detective

We both have nice red hair.

Linden looks more like an emo hipster living in Seattle than a cop, but what do I know.

I used to think I’d be a great detective because I am so good at google stalking people with just the littlest bit of info. First name and last initial? No problem. Here is their family tree. I’m THAT effective. But after watching The Killing for three seasons (I’m two episodes behind so NO SPOILERS please), I realize that it take a lot more than Internet aptitude to make a good gumshoe. One you need to be able to not want to bang your partner.

Really? You expect me to resist Holder?

Really? You expect me to resist this?

Two, you have to be able to not roll your eyes at annoying teenagers who probably need your help but their names and lines are so ridiculous and over the top that you just can’t (Sorry Bullet, may you rest in peace). No thanks!

3) Presidential Aide

She'll always be "My Girl!"

She’ll always be “My Girl” to me.

Technically Veep‘s Amy Brookheimer is Vice President Selina Meyer’s Chief of Staff, but whatever. She probably started as an aide. Either way, those are two jobs I don’t want. I don’t like wearing power suits and blow drying my hair straight every day. Also, if I’m going to cover up anyone’s gaffes, they’re going to be my own, NOT my boss’s.

So there you have it. Television IS educational!

 

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It’s a Fact of Life that Alan is the REAL Musician of the Thicke Family

These days everyone is all, oh that Robin Thicke! So talented! He sings catchy tunes, even if the videos are kind of possibly sexist! Either way, WHAT a musician!

NOT about good girls.

Debatable whether these are good girls.

Um, is this SURPRISING to anyone? After all, his father is ALAN THICKE, awesome TV dad (AND shrink!) on Growing Pains.

We can ignore the fact that one of his kids become anorexic and another super Christian.

We can ignore the fact that one of his kids become anorexic and another super Christian.

You might think I’m crossing a blurred line, but I’d say that Alan is in fact the far more talented Thicke. Not only did he portray Dr. Jason Seaver as the super understanding dad we all wanted to have, he also composed perhaps the greatest TV theme songs of all time.

Except for "The Golden Girls." This was not his masterpiece.

Except for “The Golden Girls.” This was not his masterpiece.

Need proof? Thank God you know me, because I’ve done all the work for you (ie went to wikipedia and youtube).

Here are his greatest achievements.

1) Diff’rent Strokes

 

Whatchutalkinboutillis, this is possibly Alan’s magnum opus. Let’s just ignore the sad fact that the only person alive from this intro is Todd Bridges, who was once arrested, tried, and acquitted for attempted murder. Oh I like to keep it light for my readers. You might as go read Sophie’s Choice now because you’re already depressed. I’m useful like that.

2) The original theme song for Wheel of Fortune

For a white boy from Canada, Alan’s got soul AND funk. WORK.

3) The Facts of Life

PLEASE watch this whole intro through for a little surprise guest.

In conclusion, you need more than therapy if you think Robin is the Thickest. You need like a brain transplant. Too bad Dr. Seaver is retired!

Though I will concede that “Blurred Lines” is okay. And I kind of want to dance right now so here you go.

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Happy Birthday Eddie Furlong!

Today is a VERY special day. Terminator 2: Judgment Day star Edward Furlong turns 36!

That HAIR.

That HAIR.

Besides Christian Slater, there was NO ONE I loved more than Eddie Furlong in the early ’90s. My uncle worked for Paramount Pictures at the time, and Sir Furlong was following up Terminator with the critically acclaimed Pet Sematary Two, which was a Paramount movie. I made my uncle get me his autograph. “Hey Liz!” He wrote. “See the movie.” There MAY have been an XO also.

No Stephen King involvement!

I DID see the movie, but I think Stephen King skipped it.

Furlong spent the 1990s being awesome and handsome and artsy, starring in movies including Before and AfterPecker, and American History X (a movie I LOVED in 1998 but I wonder if I’d cringe now. But that’s a conversation for another day). He even dated his tutor when he was 16–she was 29. Uh, I like them young too but at the very least they need to be able to buy their own booze, or heck just have their driver’s license.

I think he was "Edward" by this point.

I think he was “Edward” by this point.

In the past ten years or so, Eddie has pretty much disappeared. Occasionally he makes an appearance in the tabloids. But that’s not what this is about–you can go to TMZ if that’s your thing (not that I’m above H’wood gossip. Please. I’m just too lazy.). Today we are celebrating the life of my preteen crush!

Swoon!

Swoon!

 

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What the Hell Does Breaking Bad Mean Anyway???

Hello, bandwagon jumper here. The past few months have witnessed me watching seasons 1-4 of the addictive (get it?) TV show Breaking Bad because I never like to miss a pop culture moment and the final episodes are about to begin in just 9 DAYS and I HAVE TO BE PART OF IT!

I also felt a lot of pressure from Walter White.

I also felt a lot of pressure from Walter White.

I have yet to watch the first half of season 5 but thanks to a borrowed Netflix username and password, that’s how my weekend will be spent!

At any rate–here are a few mysteries I need solved. If I will learn them in the first half of season 5, don’t tell me the answers. But maybe I forgot them due to PTSD (Gus’s demise. Ewwwwww!) and you can remind me.

1) What the hell does “Breaking Bad” mean?

Okay, we know that Walt is a broken man. Cancer, drug dealing, murder, adulterous wife (not that I blame her. I’d bang Ted Beneke too.). It’s gotta do a number on a man’s spirit. However, what the hell does that expression MEAN? Is it because when you have to break up meth after it’s been cooked? Or that Walt’s psyche is constantly destructing? And to that note, shouldn’t it be “Breaking BADLY”??? Where are my fellow grammar police?

2) Why the hell did Walt become a teacher anyway?

He will play with a lot WORSE fire.

He will play with a lot more fire!

I STILL don’t think this has been adequately explained. No disrespect to teachers AT ALL. But Walt has graduate degrees in chemistry, is whip smart, and at one time worked for the multi-billion dollar company Gray Matter Technologies (of which he was a founding member). Yeah, I know there were some maybe personal issues for leaving THAT company–was he in love with Gretchen?–but still, why not go to another business where he could have made the big bucks? I’m sure there is a very reasonable answer-maybe he had a calling to teach, maybe he was in love with his principal–but it’s still a bit murky.

By the way, I once saw Jessica Hecht (the actress who plays Gretchen) getting frozen yogurt in New York and she was sooooo nice to the young girl at the counter and so pretty and her voice was so soothing and I wanted her to be my best friend or at the very least pay for all of my hospital bills, if I ever am so unfortunate to get super sick.

She should be leading meditation groups.

She could lead meditation groups as her next career move.

3) Did this dweeb really score Skyler when she was a hot 22-year-old?

Always sunny in the land of the cool.

Smile girl, though I know you have a LOT on your mind.

I’m too lazy to do the exact math now, but in the first season Walter turns 50 and Skyler mentions that she is almost 40 and pregnant. Walter Junior is 14 or 15 when the show begins (he turns 16 during season 4, but TV time is not measured in real time), and I’m assuming they were married when she gave birth to him. I know they met when Skyler was working as a waitress at a diner near Los Alamos National Laboratory. She was into crossword puzzles! So let’s say they met 17 years BEFORE the first season began. That would have made Walt 33 and Skyler 22. Damn, Sky was probably super hot! One of the aspects I love so much about Breaking Bad is the casting. It’s flawless. Anna Gunn, the actress who portrays Skyler, is very pretty, but what I call normal pretty. She’s someone you could actually know. And I do find Sky and Walt a very convincing couple, personality and looks wise, compared to, say, Leah Remini and Kevin James in The King of Queens.

Wellll.

Riiiggggght.

But let’s be honest, I can’t imagine some 33-year-old chemistry geek having the Casanova skills to pick up a hot 22-year-old piece. But maybe he was a smooth operator then? Who knows. Share your thoughts.

4) Why don’t Hank and Marie have any kids?

A very dad thing to do!

Reading on the toilet is a very dad thing to do!

Marie’s a kelpto nut, but I can’t help but think Hank would be the best dad! Yes, he’s chasing criminals when he shouldn’t and constantly putting his life at risk, but Walt does the latter too and HE’S got Walter Jr. and Holly! My take on this is that Hank really wanted kids but Marie put it off and then he realized she was bonkers so he deferred his dream and put all his focus on his career. He’s a great uncle to Junior at least!

So that’s where I’m at with Breaking Bad. I am so excited for August 11!

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Great Fake Bald People on TV

So today I was watching the episode of Degrassi where Clare decides to shave her head because she has cancer and want to take ownership of her hair loss.

Brave!

Yes, I am an adult who watches Degrassi.

While I admire Clare for her strength and resilience facing this potentially deadly disease, I am simultaneously going to hell because, uh, her f—ing bald cap made me laugh and laugh laugh. She looked like a cast member of Fox’s forgotten gem Alien Nation.

She could be their daughter!

She could be their daughter!

It got me thinking that fake bald people on TV are the greatest, because they always look so ridiculous unless they are actually, you know, bald.

So I present to you a few of my faves from times past.

1) Peter Brady as Benedict Arnold on The Brady Bunch

Besides pork chops and apple sauce, this is my favorite Peter Brady moment.

Besides pork chops and apple sauce, this is my favorite Peter moment.

Despite wanting to portray hero George Washington, Peter is cast as American traitor Benedict Arnold in his school play. Here is his riveting performance. Go to 1:10 to see true art.

 

2) Kimberly Shaw on Melrose Place

Don't even get me started on the scar.

Don’t even get me started on the scar.

Okay, maybe she’s not BALD per se, but she’s certainly BALDING. Who can forget the infamous moment when we discovered that, yes, she’s alive, and yes, she’s crazy and REALLY wants to exact revenge on Dr. Michael Mancini for the terrible car accident he caused. Relive the horror here.

 

3) Jon Hamm as Lex Luthor

Wasit up

Wait . . . I just posted a picture of Jon Hamm that WASN’T his junk???

Sure, this was a parody on Funny Or Die, but at least we know what another one of his heads looks like. Hehe, hehe. I can keep them coming!

So who’s YOUR favorite fake bald person?

 

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Has Laura Palmer Returned?

23 years after she died, Laura Palmer has risen!

Too soon?

Too soon?

Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating slightly. But home girl is definitely BACK in pop culture circles, because British band Bastille have written and performed a song called, wait for it, “Laura Palmer.”

Some of you dweebs are probably all, who the hell is Laura Palmer, and why are you joking about her death?

And some of you geeks* are all, Laura Palmer is this chick from this town called Twin Peaks (also a TV show which aired from 1990 and 1991) and she seemed all sweet and innocent but then she was murdered and boy ohhhhhh boy did she have a dark side (cocaine abuser and town slut, and that’s just the printable stuff.).

We finally figured out this guy killed her (spoiler alert), who was kind of also her dad sometimes.

BOB!

BOB! Still gives me the willies.

Anyway, I closed this chapter of my life over 20 years ago–but as I mentioned Bastille has this song about her. But NOWHERE in the lyrics does it actually mention her name. Why you have to be so cryptic Bastille? Do you also write vague songs about the French Revolution too where you just mention that you’re hungry for bread?

Whatever. At any rate, here is the weird ass video. Judge for yourself!

 

*For differentiation between a dweeb and a geek, please click here.

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Maybe She Can Become a Prostitution Whore To Pay Off Her Debts

Well this is a shocker. Watch me clutch my pearls, because I NEVER saw this coming. Teresa Giudice and her husband Juicy Joe face 50 years in the slammer for conspiracy to commit fraud.

And then Teresa turns to prostitution whoring, a really cool hybrid!

“Wait, I have to pay taxes???””

I really expected more from these people. After filing for bankruptcy in 2009, you’d think that Teresa and Joe might learn a lesson or two, or 11 million–the dollar amount that they owed to creditors. But they have proven to be the Anthony Weiner of financial crimes. They keep giving us more!

You want more? I can give you more!

On a side note, he should withdraw from the race. That’s what we Irish would do!

However, there is a solution. They better call Saul, because now that Breaking Bad is almost over he probably has some free time to help them launder money.

Am I terrible that I am most excited about the song Gia is going to write about her family’s latest mishap? She has a proven record of singing the truth!

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The Secret Is Out: The World LOVES Gennie James!

Gennie James

A year and a half ago I posed a simple question to you, my DVR Files devotees: “Whatever happened to 1980s icon Gennie James??? “, pictured above, and yes, there were three question marks because this was among the world’s greatest mysteries, up there with Amelia Earhart’s disappearance, the origins of Stonehenge, and Khloe Kardashian’s paternity.

As they say on Sesame Street, one of these things does not look like the other!

As they say on Sesame Street, one of these things (is not like the others).

Truth be told, because of a thing called “google,” it was quite simple to figure out what happened to Gennie, the princess of 1980s child actors. She is married with children and lives in Texas. Wow!

The thing is, I’m not the only person who is obsessed with Gennie. Y’all are too. In fact, the Gennie James post is the most popular entry in DVR Files history, behind only my observation that Reggie Bush is probably going to be the best dad ever.

Because you are such fans, I decided to include the trailer from Gennie’s most important role, Mary Lennox in the 1987 Hallmark Hall of Fame adaptation of The Secret Garden. You’re welcome.

 

There are MANY great aspects of this TV movie. Perhaps my favorite is that Gennie portrays a young British girl yet has an American accent, but the actress playing the adult Mary Lennox sounds remarkably English to me! WEIRD. And wait . . . is that Colin Firth playing an adult named, uh, Colin? Why yes, yes it is!

 

While Gennie may be perfectly satisfied in her present life, we will always welcome her back with open arms!

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