Hello, bandwagon jumper here. The past few months have witnessed me watching seasons 1-4 of the addictive (get it?) TV show Breaking Bad because I never like to miss a pop culture moment and the final episodes are about to begin in just 9 DAYS and I HAVE TO BE PART OF IT!

I also felt a lot of pressure from Walter White.

I have yet to watch the first half of season 5 but thanks to a borrowed Netflix username and password, that’s how my weekend will be spent!

At any rate–here are a few mysteries I need solved. If I will learn them in the first half of season 5, don’t tell me the answers. But maybe I forgot them due to PTSD (Gus’s demise. Ewwwwww!) and you can remind me.

1) What the hell does “Breaking Bad” mean?

Okay, we know that Walt is a broken man. Cancer, drug dealing, murder, adulterous wife (not that I blame her. I’d bang Ted Beneke too.). It’s gotta do a number on a man’s spirit. However, what the hell does that expression MEAN? Is it because when you have to break up meth after it’s been cooked? Or that Walt’s psyche is constantly destructing? And to that note, shouldn’t it be “Breaking BADLY”??? Where are my fellow grammar police?

2) Why the hell did Walt become a teacher anyway?

He will play with a lot more fire!

I STILL don’t think this has been adequately explained. No disrespect to teachers AT ALL. But Walt has graduate degrees in chemistry, is whip smart, and at one time worked for the multi-billion dollar company Gray Matter Technologies (of which he was a founding member). Yeah, I know there were some maybe personal issues for leaving THAT company–was he in love with Gretchen?–but still, why not go to another business where he could have made the big bucks? I’m sure there is a very reasonable answer-maybe he had a calling to teach, maybe he was in love with his principal–but it’s still a bit murky.

By the way, I once saw Jessica Hecht (the actress who plays Gretchen) getting frozen yogurt in New York and she was sooooo nice to the young girl at the counter and so pretty and her voice was so soothing and I wanted her to be my best friend or at the very least pay for all of my hospital bills, if I ever am so unfortunate to get super sick.

She could lead meditation groups as her next career move.

3) Did this dweeb really score Skyler when she was a hot 22-year-old?

Smile girl, though I know you have a LOT on your mind.

I’m too lazy to do the exact math now, but in the first season Walter turns 50 and Skyler mentions that she is almost 40 and pregnant. Walter Junior is 14 or 15 when the show begins (he turns 16 during season 4, but TV time is not measured in real time), and I’m assuming they were married when she gave birth to him. I know they met when Skyler was working as a waitress at a diner near Los Alamos National Laboratory. She was into crossword puzzles! So let’s say they met 17 years BEFORE the first season began. That would have made Walt 33 and Skyler 22. Damn, Sky was probably super hot! One of the aspects I love so much about Breaking Bad is the casting. It’s flawless. Anna Gunn, the actress who portrays Skyler, is very pretty, but what I call normal pretty. She’s someone you could actually know. And I do find Sky and Walt a very convincing couple, personality and looks wise, compared to, say, Leah Remini and Kevin James in The King of Queens.

Riiiggggght.

But let’s be honest, I can’t imagine some 33-year-old chemistry geek having the Casanova skills to pick up a hot 22-year-old piece. But maybe he was a smooth operator then? Who knows. Share your thoughts.

4) Why don’t Hank and Marie have any kids?

Reading on the toilet is a very dad thing to do!

Marie’s a kelpto nut, but I can’t help but think Hank would be the best dad! Yes, he’s chasing criminals when he shouldn’t and constantly putting his life at risk, but Walt does the latter too and HE’S got Walter Jr. and Holly! My take on this is that Hank really wanted kids but Marie put it off and then he realized she was bonkers so he deferred his dream and put all his focus on his career. He’s a great uncle to Junior at least!

So that’s where I’m at with Breaking Bad. I am so excited for August 11!