People are always saying things like, TV dumbs you down. I don’t own a TV, I just eat kale. Why would I watch Real Housewives? I mean, I grew UP with them.

UGH. I hate those people. Not only because TV is AWESOME, but also because you can learn a TON from TV. For example, I have recently discovered several jobs that I can never do, all because of what I saw on TV.

Let’s discuss, shall we?

1) Drug Dealer/Manufacturer

No, they are not making a disco ball.

When I first started watching Breaking Bad, I thought to myself, cooking meth may be dangerous, but it’s lucrative. Maybe this will help me with my financial issues? But then I realized that you need to be good at chemistry and that has never been my thing–I’ve always been a literature kind of girl. Also, you need balls of steel in order to deal with people like Gus Fring and Mike Ehrmantraut. I don’t have balls of anything, because I’m a woman, but even metaphorically speaking my balls would be made of Silly Putty. Easily malleable and totally able to be eradicated by acid and threats.

2) Detective

Linden looks more like an emo hipster living in Seattle than a cop, but what do I know.

I used to think I’d be a great detective because I am so good at google stalking people with just the littlest bit of info. First name and last initial? No problem. Here is their family tree. I’m THAT effective. But after watching The Killing for three seasons (I’m two episodes behind so NO SPOILERS please), I realize that it take a lot more than Internet aptitude to make a good gumshoe. One you need to be able to not want to bang your partner.

Really? You expect me to resist this?

Two, you have to be able to not roll your eyes at annoying teenagers who probably need your help but their names and lines are so ridiculous and over the top that you just can’t (Sorry Bullet, may you rest in peace). No thanks!

3) Presidential Aide

She’ll always be “My Girl” to me.

Technically Veep‘s Amy Brookheimer is Vice President Selina Meyer’s Chief of Staff, but whatever. She probably started as an aide. Either way, those are two jobs I don’t want. I don’t like wearing power suits and blow drying my hair straight every day. Also, if I’m going to cover up anyone’s gaffes, they’re going to be my own, NOT my boss’s.

So there you have it. Television IS educational!