Queer Eye Turns 10!

Posted on October 18, 2013 by thedvrfiles

There are a few truths we hold to be self-evident.

For example . . .

. . . To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction.

. . . The original Becky on Roseanne was better.

Though yes, the second was prettier.

Though yes, the second one WAS prettier.

. . . Caboodles need to stage a comeback.

Beautiful color scheme AND spacious.

Beautiful color scheme AND spacious.

. . . Carson Kressley emerged from the womb with jazz hands.

Watch I'm world I'm here!

Watch out world. I’m here!

And so on.

But then you hear a piece of news that makes you raise an eyebrow and turns your world upside down so that you can’t even sing the song “Solid (As A Rock)” with any degree of certainty.

Today was that day for me.

Right before I sat down to my afternoon snack of a pumpkin muffin–you can do these things when you work from home–I checked, you guessed it, people.com.

Oh my God! I said out loud as I zeroed in on one article. Queer Eye For the Straight Guy turns 10 this year!

So cool.

What a gorgeous palette.

And not only that! Andy Cohen was hosting a reunion of the cast that is set to air on Sunday on Bravo. Score!

Among the questions that Andy asked the cast was who was out when the show first aired.

All of them, I assumed.

Uh, no. Ted Allen, the food and dining expert, was not yet openly gay to his family.

Nor was Carson Kressley.

Whaaaaaaa???

WORK.

THIS Carson Kressley?

Both gentlemen ended up coming out to their families in the weeks preceding the premiere of the show. And I say good for them!

I’m a little surprised, but hey, weirder things have happened, like Kim Kardashian’s career so there you go.

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G’bye Mate!

Posted on October 18, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Uh oh! There will be no more shrimp on the barbie for Paul Hogan and Linda Kozlowski!

Romance is dead.

In happier times.

That’s right, folks. Crocodile Dundee and wife Linda are splitting after 23 years of marriage. Better crack open a Foster’s because that’s the only way to nurse a broken heart.

Citing “irreconcilable difference,” Linda officially filed for divorce yesterday from the only Australian more famous than Steve Irwin, may he rest in peace.

I miss the bastard.

I miss the bastard.

Honestly, this doesn’t come as a shock. Hogan famously left his wife of almost 40 years years to be with Kozlowski, whom he met on the the set of Dundee in 1986. Not to be a self-righteous bitch (but heck, I’ll be one anyway), what goes around, comes around.

All right, time to make a Vegemite sandwich.

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I Do Not Love MySelfie

Posted on October 18, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Soooo . . . one thing I realized yesterday is if you post near naked pictures of Kim Kardashian on your blog, the people will come.

Or puppies!

Or puppies, pervs.

So I figured, if Kim can get so much attention by posting selfies to the world. maybe I can try!

I'm doing it correctly, right?

I’m doing it correctly, right?

Damn, I’m gorgeous. But let’s carry on.

Narcissism is kind of a cool thing because it allows people like Kim and Rihanna and Demi to share their beauty with the world. Heck, if it weren’t desperate self-validation, there world be no Courtney Stodden or LeAnn Rimes or Miley Cyrus! I don’t want to live in a world where they don’t exist!

So festive!

So festive!

But then I listened to the words of a wise sage named Kid President, age 10. Home boy does not approve of selfie taking. He thinks instead we should do things like “donate to the homeless.” What, does he think I have a heart?

Now excuse me, I need to eat breakfast now. And no, I won’t be posting it to Instagram. But I assure you it will be DELICIOUS.

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Other Celebrities Who Love Themselfies Too Much

Posted on October 17, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Earlier today I illuminated the modesty of Kim Kardashian, who is as fresh and pristine as a dewdrop on a lily.

Done!

So innocent!

She is totally not the only celebrity who has exhibited such demure behavior.

For example, Nick Jonas needs some convincing to strip down to his true self.

Looks so real.

Looks so real.

Rihanna tends to hide behind a cloud of smoke.

Classy

Classy.

Sofia Vergara prefers you to look at her behind because she is much too shy to show her face.

Well she would know.

This is like an optical illusion.

Demi Moore is so embarrassed that she is wearing sunglasses.

I blame Ashton.

I blame Ashton.

Hey, they can’t all be Geraldo.

Sorry world.

Sorry world.

So who is your favorite celebrity who likes to show off their true selfie at any opportunity?

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Those Kardashians Are Way Too Modest!

Posted on October 17, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Kim Kardashian needs to stop being so shy about her body.

Fooled ya!

Fooled ya!

Stop being so coy Kim!

So cute!

So cute!

You really need to come out of your shell.

Such a pretty bathroom.

Such a pretty bathroom.

Don’t be afraid to tell the world you’re proud of your womanly body.

Ray J loves it!

Ray J loves it! What, too soon?

Yes, you might be a new mom to baby North but you’re still a lonely woman whose man is always on the road. So why don’t you send him a nice picture to remind him what you look like?

Done!

Done!

Now, post that picture to Instagram where he can see it, along with your 10,413,197 followers.

Good.

Kanye, what do you have to say about this?

Yup!

Yup!

Yay! Looks Like North may gain a sibling in 9 months. Perhaps they will name it South since that’s where Kanye is headed. Zing!

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Indiana Jones Could Have Had a Moustache

Posted on October 16, 2013 by thedvrfiles

My world has been SHATTERED!

No, I did not found out that Darth Vader is my father, but close.

Sorry Luke!

Sorry Luke!

Tom Selleck was supposed to be Indiana Jones!

I KNOW.

I KNOW. I’m confused too!

Apparently this is widely known, but perhaps I buried it deep in my subconscious because I couldn’t handle the truth.

Basically, Selleck was tapped to play Indiana in Raiders of the Lost Ark, but he had to pull out because he was too busy being a stud on Magnum, P.I. 

Director Steven Spielberg, impressed by Harrison Ford’s performance as equally studly Han Solo, urged producer George Lucas to cast him instead.

I get it.

I get it.

Now, I LOVED Han Solo as a kid. Damn, I was jealous of that bitch Princess Leia. Not only did she have great hair, she got to declare her affection for Han!

Damn he’s a cocky bastard! He must have spent his 20s as an investment banker in New York City.

At any rate, I think I will survive. As long as I don’t find out Charlie Hunnam has quit 50 Shades of Grey.

Oh sh–.

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Is Cannibalism Okay If You’re Made of Skittles?

Posted on October 16, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Call me crazy, but I always thought cannibalism was kind of a bad thing.

He's crazy too!

He’s crazy too!

It’s more or less something that isn’t encouraged, if you catch my drift. Blame Jeffrey Dahmer.  If it DOES have to happen, it’s usually because you are a Uruguayan rugby player whose plane crashed in the Andes, a la Ethan Hawke in Alive, my favorite movie in eighth grade,

Ethan Hawke, mastering the art of looking homeless while rich for 20 years.

Ethan Hawke, mastering the art of looking homeless while rich for 20 years.

So that’s why I’m horrified by the new Skittles commercial, which I’ve caught a few times while watching the Red Sox on TV, pretty much the whole time I view programming live.

If you haven’t seen the commercial, it’s quite alarming in its cavalier attitude towards eating people. A couple of seemingly popular girls observe from afar their classmate Louis, who they note never smiles. One of the girls goes over to him and tickles the back of his neck, which causes him to grin. And, well, just watch for yourself.

Bish please. You’ve left Louis with one Skittle tooth! Let’s just hope Walter White is his chem teacher because he might as well settle into his long life as a newly minted meth addict.

And for those of you who think I’m overreacting, let us all remember poor Gingy in Shrek. 

Eek!

Eek!

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North Andover Is Still Not Gloucester!

Posted on October 16, 2013 by thedvrfiles

There is nothing that gets me more excited than when my hometown North Andover is in the news. Whether it be a whorehouse, Jon Hamm, or peanut allergies, I’m all, THAT’S WHERE I’M FROM!

I bet Clear History wasn't filmed in YOUR town!

I bet Clear History wasn’t filmed in YOUR town! By the way. . . that kind of looks like my parents’ kitchen (but it’s not.).

Yesterday the lil old town North of Boston where I grew up popped up in the news because, uh, scandal! Yessss.

See, some high school student named Erin Cox who played volleyball got a call from a drunk friend who asked her to pick her up at a party. Erin, who was sober, agreed. However, the cops had already arrived to spoil all the fun by the time Erin arrived. She was cleared of any wrongdoing by the police officers, but her high school–and my alma mater!–North Andover High School– stripped her of her volleyball captain duties as well as suspended her from playing in five games, citing their zero tolerance policy. Her parents are fighting the charges the American way–by lawsuit.

Okay.

Somehow this sort of boring story made national news. It’s been all over my Facebook feed and HuffPo and EVERYWHERE. More people are talking about my hometown than Charlie Hunnam dropping out of 50 Shades of Grey.

More people are talking about this than Charlie dropping out of 50 Shades!

Here he is just 5 shades.

I’m not going to debate the merits of the case because, ugh, pop culture is way more important.

HOWEVER, for all my friends who are SO embarrassed and ashamed . . . remember, we don’t even have a Lifetime movie made about us.

That accolade belongs to another town nearby, Gloucester. Gloucester is awesome. It’s home to fishermen, perfect storms, and great bars. Oh yes.

Who wants to meet me at the Crow's Nest for a Harpoon?

Who wants to meet me at the Crow’s Nest for a Harpoon?

It’s also home to a scandal way sluttier than anything in North Andover’s boring upper-middle class repertoire.

A 2010 Lifetime Original Movie called, ahem, The Pregnancy Pact.

Yup.

Yup.

Starring Thora Birch, Nancy Travis, and, wait for it, Camryn Manheim (gasp!), PP is based on a true story (of course). In 2008, a bunch of Gloucester High co-eds wound up pregnant, and, surprise! There were rumblings that it was all planned.

As a person from North Andover, I clutched my pearls. Clutched them hard! And honestly, not because I was taken aback by anyone’s actions, but rather because I was SEETHING with jealousy. When would my hometown inspire a Lifetime movie?

Please, please, PLEASE let this be our chance.

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This is Skinny Pete???

Posted on October 15, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Anthony Hopkins and I have SO much in common. We both love Breaking Bad!

We also both enjoy chianti.

We also both enjoy chianti and friends over for dinner with fava beans.

The Oscar-winning actor recently penned a letter to Bryan Cranston that went viral, praising his performance as dad of the year Walter White.

He writes:

What is extraordinary, is the sheer power of everyone in the entire production . . .  If you ever get a chance to – would you pass on my admiration to everyone – Anna Gunn, Dean Norris, Aaron Paul, Betsy Brandt, R.J. Mitte, Bob Odenkirk, Jonathan Banks, Steven Michael Quezada – everyone – everyone gave master classes of performance … The list is endless . . .You and all the cast are the best actors I’ve ever seen.

Agreed, Sir Hopkins, AGREED!

And while he did not mention Charles Baker by name, I am sure he adored his performance as Skinny Pete, one half of everyone’s favorite wise-cracking comic meth dealer duo along with Badger.

I wonder what their opinions on Star Trek are.

I wonder what their opinions on Star Trek are.

Badger looks like he got kicked out of his expensive prep school after he was caught smoking pot on campus, but Skinny Pete resembles a subject on Intervention so I was super surprised to see what he looked like in real life.

Nice bangs!

Also, he’s 42.

Granted, he’s a little gaunt, and he doesn’t have the greatest teeth (more on that later), so who the hell knows.

Okay, teeth time! You can see them in the clip below. There are also spoilers too so don’t blame me.

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Happy Columbus Day, and Don’t You Fuhgeddaboudit!

Posted on October 14, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Today marks the 521 year since Italian Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue to discover the greatest place on Earth, my bedroom!

I wish!

Fooled you! Mine is way sexier.

Just kidding! He discovered America in 1492. Gosh I’m a trickster.

In the 500+ years, Columbus has emerged a controversial figure, though definitely not a handsome one.

Ew.

You could at least smile.

He was kind of a dick to Native Americans, his crew might have brought syphilis to the new continent . . . you know, not things you really want to BRAG about.

However, DO NOT tell this to The Sopranos crew. In one of the funniest scenes of the show, they defend his honor.

 

In the post-Breaking Bad world, it’s easy to take for granted how great this show was. Now I need to rewatch from the beginning. Ugh, what a first world problem!

 

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