There is nothing that gets me more excited than when my hometown North Andover is in the news. Whether it be a whorehouse, Jon Hamm, or peanut allergies, I’m all, THAT’S WHERE I’M FROM!

I bet Clear History wasn’t filmed in YOUR town! By the way. . . that kind of looks like my parents’ kitchen (but it’s not.).

Yesterday the lil old town North of Boston where I grew up popped up in the news because, uh, scandal! Yessss.

See, some high school student named Erin Cox who played volleyball got a call from a drunk friend who asked her to pick her up at a party. Erin, who was sober, agreed. However, the cops had already arrived to spoil all the fun by the time Erin arrived. She was cleared of any wrongdoing by the police officers, but her high school–and my alma mater!–North Andover High School– stripped her of her volleyball captain duties as well as suspended her from playing in five games, citing their zero tolerance policy. Her parents are fighting the charges the American way–by lawsuit.

Okay.

Somehow this sort of boring story made national news. It’s been all over my Facebook feed and HuffPo and EVERYWHERE. More people are talking about my hometown than Charlie Hunnam dropping out of 50 Shades of Grey.

Here he is just 5 shades.

I’m not going to debate the merits of the case because, ugh, pop culture is way more important.

HOWEVER, for all my friends who are SO embarrassed and ashamed . . . remember, we don’t even have a Lifetime movie made about us.

That accolade belongs to another town nearby, Gloucester. Gloucester is awesome. It’s home to fishermen, perfect storms, and great bars. Oh yes.

Who wants to meet me at the Crow’s Nest for a Harpoon?

It’s also home to a scandal way sluttier than anything in North Andover’s boring upper-middle class repertoire.

A 2010 Lifetime Original Movie called, ahem, The Pregnancy Pact.

Yup.

Starring Thora Birch, Nancy Travis, and, wait for it, Camryn Manheim (gasp!), PP is based on a true story (of course). In 2008, a bunch of Gloucester High co-eds wound up pregnant, and, surprise! There were rumblings that it was all planned.

As a person from North Andover, I clutched my pearls. Clutched them hard! And honestly, not because I was taken aback by anyone’s actions, but rather because I was SEETHING with jealousy. When would my hometown inspire a Lifetime movie?

Please, please, PLEASE let this be our chance.