Why Are We Talking About the Grammys when THIS Happened???

Posted on January 27, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Many evenings I go to bed with the goal of sleeping through the night but then I wake up in a moment of panic and scream out loud, “Why, God? Why have there been almost no Bachelor/Bachelorette weddings in the 18 million seasons that the show has been on? WHYYYYYYY???”

Or if I’m awake, I faint.

And here’s the kicker–I don’t even WATCH The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, except for the season with Tristan and Ryan. But I yet I care so much, because I believe in love. I’m thoughtful like that.

She should have picked Bob.

And last night you will NEVER believe what happened. Kim Kardashian showed class? LeAnn Rimes stopped tweeting for five minutes? Lena Dunham kept her clothes on during Girls?

NOPE, none of these things. (Well, not sure about Girls, haven’t watched it yet. But we know Lena likes to take off her clothes.)

A f—ing Bachelor got married, which is about as rare as going on a second date with a normal guy on OKCupid!

This time it was Sean Lowe (no relation to Sean or Chad-BOO) who tied the knot with Catherine Guidici, whom he selected to be his sweetheart on the Season 17 finale of The Bachelor which aired in March 2013.

Such a romantic, intimate proposal in front of millions and millions of people!

Such a romantic proposal in front of millions and millions of people!

Their wedding aired on ABC last night–how intimate!–and yet NO ONE was talking about it. Well, at least no one on my Facebook feed. Instead, it was all, what’s UP with Pharrell’s ridiculous Smokey Bear hat.

Did he lose a bet or something?

And not only did Sean and Catherine get married, they had sex for the first time! They’ve been very vocal about abstaining from the dirty deed–the dirty sexy deed that is–before marriage. What do you want, a cookie? What’s the point of waiting???

So I guess, congratulations? And sorry no one cared? We were all too busy watching this bitchin’ performance with robots and Stevie Wonder.

Posted in And Not a Single F--- Was Given | Tagged Daft Punk, Grammys, Love, Marriage, Pharrell, Stevie Wonder, The Bachelor | Leave a comment

I’m a Broad in a City . . . Broad City!

Posted on January 22, 2014 by thedvrfiles

So tonight a really cool thing is happening. A bunch of my good friends who kick ass and take names are on a TV show that is premiering at 10:30p on Comedy Central called Broad City!

Broads not bitches!

Created by and starring those two bold bitches above, Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer, the show is so funny! Even the New York Times agrees, and they’re like fancy and everything.

Tonight’s episode centers around Abbi and Ilana trying to get Little Wayne tickets, as all young broads are prone to do. Except they don’t make enough money at their jobs so they have to resort to crazy schemes.

Abbi works with this guy, Mr. Paul W. Downs, who also HAPPENS to me one of my old dear friends and yes, I am name dropping.

Imagine him doing Carrie eyes and you’ll understand how we became friends.

Ilana happens to work with me. What’s what you say? I’M involved? Yup! Home girl Liz plays a non-speaking office worker. Here is me on set:

Method acting at it’s finest. I’m the one in the purplish striped dress.

And here is me getting ready to eat all the snacks at the craft services table:

Yummmmmmm.

But this is not all about me and my appetite. Watch this show tonight because it is awesome, and my friends Ilana, Abbi, Paul, and Lucia Aniello (who wrote and directed) are even awesomer!!!

Posted in Great Television | Tagged Broad City, Comedy Central, Ilana Glazer, Lucia Aniello, Paul Downs | Leave a comment

Just Call Me Dowager Countess Liz

Posted on January 21, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Long weekends are the BEST. Besides sleeping, eating, and drinking to excess, I get to watch SO MANY of my shows. It’s such a sense of accomplishment reducing my DVR from 98% to 25%. My carbon footprint is so little!

Don't look so angry, you're still richer than I'll ever be.

Despite her expression, home girl Dowager Countess is PROUD of me.

As you can guess, one of the shows I watched this weekend is my beloved Downton Abbey, the show about rich British people. Branson still looks hot and uncomfortable wherever he goes. Barrow’s devious ways make me giggle but he really does need O’Brien back, and Mary needs to get it on with the new guy. While we’re at it, I want Mrs. Crawley to get together with the doctor. So much sexual tension between those two! Do it Violet! Matthew would want it for you too!

Of course, it’s not all good. Vague spoiler alerts ahead. Poor Anna. What a major DICK that guy was! Ughhhhh.

At any rate, the weirdest thing happened to me after watching Downton Abbey this weekend. I started drinking tea. And not even because I have a cold or because I am out of coffee. No, I craved it! So F—ing WEIRD.

So as I sit down writing this, I am sipping on a mug of Tetley’s with milk and sugar that I got for free at a Downton premiere party (I’m fancy like that!). I am so cultured, just like the Dowager Countess!

See? I’m fancy! Give me a PIMM’s!

Posted in Great Television | Tagged Downton Abbey | Leave a comment

Beyonce Is Not Only Queen of the Universe, She Is Also Queen of the Feminists!

Posted on January 14, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Watch your back Gloria Steinem.

A new fierce feminist is on the loose, and she’s telling us Single Ladies–and ALL ladies–that we should put a ring on it, but we should buy it ourselves with our own paychecks.

WORK!

Yup, that’s right, Beyonce is adding another notch to her professional bedpost. Brilliant feminist writer. Yes, you have permission to laugh and laugh and laugh. I just did!

Let me back up a sec, because it’s early and you might not have had any coffee yet. This morning on People.com I read that, wait for it, Beyonce penned an essay for the Shriver Report that women deserve equal paychecks to men. Okay, nice sentiment, I’ll give her that!

But if you expect me for even one second to believe that Beyonce actually wrote the following sentences then you also believe Liberace just never found the right woman.

Fabulous!

Here is a sampling of the golden prose from her essay titled “Gender Equality Is a Myth!”:

We need to stop buying into the myth about gender equality. It isn’t a reality yet . . . Today, women make up half of the U.S. workforce, but the average working woman earns only 77 percent of what the average working man makes. But unless women and men both say this is unacceptable, things will not change.

I just can’t. I really, really can’t. I’ve seen interviews with Beyonce (yeah, I’ll admit it). Home girl is not know for her deep thoughts or her full sentences. Do not try to tell me she wrote this.

But to make everyone feel better let’s watch her interview with Kid President. It’s presh, even though he sounds 100 times more intelligent.

Posted in And Not a Single F--- Was Given | Tagged Beyonce, Gloria Steinem, Kid President | Leave a comment

Leo is Phil of It!

Posted on January 13, 2014 by thedvrfiles

Okay, so my attempt at a pun in my headline makes zero sense. Whatever! It’s a free country.

As like many of you who watched The Golden Globes last night, I too noticed Growing Pains alum Leonardo DiCaprio butcher the name of the film Philomena when announcing the nominees for some award, which I don’t remember and I don’t have time to look up because, hello, I have a job.

I hope he sends ME that for Valentine’s Day, but I am not a 21-year-old Victoria’s Secret model so probably not.

Leo, as we recall, said “Philomania,” which truth be told is what Phil Spector thought he was playing when he committed the crime that sent him to prison. Ugh, what an unfunny, tasteless joke! I’m on fire today!

The best part, of course, is that the Globes were so boring that this was considered the biggest scandal of the night, according to me, which is surprising since Sofia Vergara was there and she is prone to wardrobe malfunctions at awards ceremonies.

Too soon?

So what was your favorite moment at the Globes last night?

Posted in Great Television | Tagged Golden Globes, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sofia Vergara | Leave a comment

Another Day, Another Pervy Politician!

Posted on January 7, 2014 by thedvrfiles

One of my favorite things about life is waking up. It’s so great! Usually it comes right after sleep, which is a terrific thing to do. Many of us do not do enough of it, because we have to stay up late and do important things like catch up on American Horror Story: Coven or The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Priorities people.

Phaedra does not understand how we could ever get begind on her show. Afer all she has JOBS and kids and she stayson top.

Phaedra does not understand how we could ever get behind on her show. After all she has JOBS and kids and she stay son top.

At any rate, imagine my pure PLEASURE upon waking up and logging into my computer and reading THIS headline in the New York Post:

Spitzer caught sucking Lis Smith’s toes in topless hot tub romp

Client 9 is BACK!

YES.

Spitzer, of course, is Eliot Spitzer, the one time New York Governor (and recent New York City Comptroller candidate) who quit his post as head of state in 2008 because he slept with prostitutes while wearing socks.

My all time favorite New York Post cover.

Now, nearly six years later, he has finally filed for divorce from his wife Silda and he’s dating a hot 31-year-old named Lis Smith (ugh spell your name like a normal Liz, please) who until recently worked on the campaign of now Mayor Bill de Blasio.

But anyway, back to the toe-sucking.

The new couple were apparently at a resort in Jamaica over the weekend where they were getting a little kinky. One young boy even ran over to his mother to reveal the scary sight:

‘Mom there’s an old guy in the Jacuzzi with this girl and she’s topless and she’s got her legs wrapped around him,’ sources said.

The boy’s cries — ‘He’s sucking on her toes!’ alerted other guests, who walked over to catch an eyeful.

Hehehehe.

Lis is actually cute and I’m disappointed in her choices, but then again New York is a tough place to meet a man!

Winnie Cooper is that you?

I think this couple has a wonderful future together. I look forward to their future scandals! It will make waking up even MORE fun!

Posted in Love Hurts | Tagged Eliot Spitzer | Leave a comment

Teen Wolf Is Back Tonight, But NOT the One With Boof

Posted on January 6, 2014 by thedvrfiles

I take great ~~shame~~ pride in the fact that I sort of know what teens like. Well, Canadian teens, at least–I am addicted to Degrassi: The Next Generation and Drake will also be Jimmy Brooks to me, the boy who got shot.

Smile!

So today I was flipping through the ‘Net to see which TV shows were returning this week (exactly what the kids do, the olds flip through TV Guide) and on The Hollywood Reporter I saw that Teen Wolf was airing tonight at 10p on MTV.

YES, I thought. At last all the kids will understand what I am referencing when I will growl “Give me . . . a keg . . . of beer.”

Sure, Teen Wolf is a movie from 1985 starring Alex P. Keaton, aka Michael J. Fox, and the original Stiles. It’s not even a TV show!

Yes I AM looking at you Dicknose!

But still! I had hope, even if for just one fleeting moment.

But then I googled it for extra confirmation, and the first entry was not my beloved Teen Wolf, or heck even its cousin Teen Wolf Too.

Severely underrated.

It was some stupid TV show that premiered in 2011, featuring people that are way too good-looking.

I don’t see Boof.

There can’t be a Teen Wolf without Boof!

Here she is.

I bet Coach Finstock isn’t even in it! And I refuse to watch to find out.

But for those curious, here are his three rules to life. If you follow them, everything will be cream cheese.

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged Michael J. Fox, MTV, teen wolf | Leave a comment

I Love That Dirty Water But I Hate That Clean Snow!

Posted on January 3, 2014 by thedvrfiles

I grew up in Massachusetts which is just one of the many great things about me. The others include:

Having great taste in music and comedy.

I can’t decide what to listen to first! They’re all so brilliant!

My membership in the Marshmallow Peeps Fan Club.

Since 2002, hookers!

Being mind-blowingly beautiful.

Too hot for TV!

When you live such an amazing, charmed life such as I do, sometimes God has to punish you in really mean ways. Today it is snow, which means I have leave earlier to get to work, which means I probably won’t have time to make my usual breakfast of bacon, eggs, and avocado. Gosh, life is so unfair!

Snow in New York only looks this pretty on Instagram.

I am extremely jealous of my teacher friends and all elementary school students across the Northeast today. They get to stay home and watch game shows all day! You know I’d be parking my ass in front of the TV and do nothing but devour The Price is Right and dream about spinning the big wheel or winning an expensive ass car I have no need for like this hot bitch!

It’s a long clip but what do you care? You don’t have to go to school.

What was your favorite thing to do on a snow day?

Posted in And Not a Single F--- Was Given | Tagged The Price is Right | 2 Comments

Where is the Love?

Posted on December 16, 2013 by thedvrfiles

You might have noticed I’ve been silent the past few days. Why? Has the cat gotten my tongue?

No, I don’t like cats so they would never be near my tongue. Duh.

But even I will concur that this is a cute kitty.

No, it’s just that I’ve been broken-hearted. One of the greatest couples that has ever lived, breathed, and banged are no longer.

That’s right, Khloe Kardashian has filed for divorce from Lamar Odom.

It’s really shocking that these two didn’t make it. They dated a whole month before tying the knot in September 2009. That means they’ve been married 4 years, which is like 92 in publicity whore years.

In happier times.

Their parents were very supportive of the union, especially Lamar’s dad:

The mother [Kris Jenner] has been talking a lot of trash about my son, saying he’s on drugs and stuff like that. She’s got something against my son, something against my family. Kris Jenner is very negative. She’s an evil b*tch. She doesn’t care about Lamar, she just cares about their image and money . . . I heard Kim say they don’t have crackheads in their family. That *issed me off. Look at where she came from. We don’t want porno stars in our family.

Okay, maybe he wasn’t THAT supportive.

So while we the public suffer in silence, perhaps our spirits can be lifted by the REAL golden couple, Kim and Kanye. You can’t give up hope EVER.

So understated, these two.

Posted in Love Hurts | Tagged divorce, Kardashians, Khloe Kardashian, Lamar Odom | Leave a comment

Which Barbie Fashion Should I Wear to My Sister’s Wedding?

Posted on December 5, 2013 by thedvrfiles

My sister Katie is getting married this summer, and I am the maid of honor. I have dreamed about this day my ENTIRE LIFE–it’s all about me! Who cares about the bride? She already snagged a man!

An old photo of us from years past. I’m the younger one, obviously.

To that wit, I need to pick out a fabulous outfit, and what better inspiration is there than the grand dame of fashion herself, BARBIE??? This blonde bitch has served up a bevy of beautiful of beautiful dresses that still scream “I’m the prize in the room” today.

No one will be calling me Skipper on my sister’s special day.

Here are my choices.

Day Into Night Barbie

Gorge

As a busy career woman, this is a great option. I can go to work into work in the morning in a stylish power suit that screams “I’m the boss” and then hop on the bus to my sister’s wedding and flip that sh– inside out and sport a dress that stops traffic. Sure, pink is not always the best option for a redhead like myself, but the cut of the dress is very flattering on my beautiful bod.

Peaches ‘n Cream Barbie

Pretty as a peach blossom!

We’re not from Atlanta–we’re from Massachusetts which means our state fruit is a cranberry so no thank you–but we’re very classy and lady-like just like a proper Georgia peach. And Peaches ‘n Cream was always my favorite Barbie growing up and this dress would SURELY take the attention off my sister which is truly the goal. My only concern is that I wouldn’t fill out the bust area but that’s what chicken cutlet gel inserts are for.

Pink & Pretty Barbie

For the solid gold in all of us.

We Simons really like to cut up the dance floor so this Solid Gold-inspired number is PERFECT. Low cut and shear and EVERYONE would be talking. Oh yes.

Dream Glow Barbie

It glows in the dark too!

Dynasty may be over but can’t you see the greatest bitch of them of all, Alexis Carrington, wearing this dress while she wrestles with Krystle? Not that I’m planning on fighting at my sister’s wedding or anything. I’ll be too busy eating cake and seducing men.

Loving You Barbie

What a coquette!

Love will be in the air that day, and what better bay to showcase it than wearing my heart on my sleeves and skirt? Only ish, again, is filling out the bust area in the sweetheart neckline. I might need extra strength chicken cutlet gel inserts here.

Barbie Island Fun

Too bad it’s not a destination wedding!

Katie is getting married in the summer, so this could be the perfect option! Casual and cute but sort of slutty at the same time without being too obvious about it. Which honestly, is my goal for the night, provided I’m still single. Plus halter tops flatter my figure. I’ll just be sure to put bronzer on my legs.

Magic Moves Barbie

WORK IT ice queen.

Another halter top that will show off my hot bod (this is what you call a conceited brag. I don’t bother with the humble brag). I can ditch the fur-lined silk stole in case it gets too hot. I’m talking the weather here (summer wedding, remember) because I will obviously be too hot.

Perfume Pretty Barbie

I’ll have to do a lot of squats if I want to look good in this dress–the skirt is long and straight–but that beautiful pink bow will make it all worth it!

So what is your vote for MY big day???

And wait till we pick out what ~~my rented~~ Ken will be wearing!

Posted in Reality For Real, Uncategorized | Tagged Barbie, Wedding | 1 Comment

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