My sister Katie is getting married this summer, and I am the maid of honor. I have dreamed about this day my ENTIRE LIFE–it’s all about me! Who cares about the bride? She already snagged a man!

An old photo of us from years past. I’m the younger one, obviously.

To that wit, I need to pick out a fabulous outfit, and what better inspiration is there than the grand dame of fashion herself, BARBIE??? This blonde bitch has served up a bevy of beautiful of beautiful dresses that still scream “I’m the prize in the room” today.

No one will be calling me Skipper on my sister’s special day.

Here are my choices.

Day Into Night Barbie

Gorge

As a busy career woman, this is a great option. I can go to work into work in the morning in a stylish power suit that screams “I’m the boss” and then hop on the bus to my sister’s wedding and flip that sh– inside out and sport a dress that stops traffic. Sure, pink is not always the best option for a redhead like myself, but the cut of the dress is very flattering on my beautiful bod.

Peaches ‘n Cream Barbie

Pretty as a peach blossom!

We’re not from Atlanta–we’re from Massachusetts which means our state fruit is a cranberry so no thank you–but we’re very classy and lady-like just like a proper Georgia peach. And Peaches ‘n Cream was always my favorite Barbie growing up and this dress would SURELY take the attention off my sister which is truly the goal. My only concern is that I wouldn’t fill out the bust area but that’s what chicken cutlet gel inserts are for.

Pink & Pretty Barbie

For the solid gold in all of us.

We Simons really like to cut up the dance floor so this Solid Gold-inspired number is PERFECT. Low cut and shear and EVERYONE would be talking. Oh yes.

Dream Glow Barbie

It glows in the dark too!

Dynasty may be over but can’t you see the greatest bitch of them of all, Alexis Carrington, wearing this dress while she wrestles with Krystle? Not that I’m planning on fighting at my sister’s wedding or anything. I’ll be too busy eating cake and seducing men.

Loving You Barbie

What a coquette!

Love will be in the air that day, and what better bay to showcase it than wearing my heart on my sleeves and skirt? Only ish, again, is filling out the bust area in the sweetheart neckline. I might need extra strength chicken cutlet gel inserts here.

Barbie Island Fun

Too bad it’s not a destination wedding!

Katie is getting married in the summer, so this could be the perfect option! Casual and cute but sort of slutty at the same time without being too obvious about it. Which honestly, is my goal for the night, provided I’m still single. Plus halter tops flatter my figure. I’ll just be sure to put bronzer on my legs.

Magic Moves Barbie

WORK IT ice queen.

Another halter top that will show off my hot bod (this is what you call a conceited brag. I don’t bother with the humble brag). I can ditch the fur-lined silk stole in case it gets too hot. I’m talking the weather here (summer wedding, remember) because I will obviously be too hot.

Perfume Pretty Barbie

I’ll have to do a lot of squats if I want to look good in this dress–the skirt is long and straight–but that beautiful pink bow will make it all worth it!

So what is your vote for MY big day???

And wait till we pick out what my rented Ken will be wearing!