Sorry lovers of big fake boobs and orange tans! JWoww is off the market!

Those Jersey Shore girls sure are growing up fast. First Snooki gave birth while I bought vegetables, and now Jenni “JWoww” Farley’s long term Oompa Loompa boyfriend Roger Mathews asked for her hand in holy matrimony.

Such a tasteful dresser, always.

Previous to getting engaged, J Woww explained what she wanted from her man:

“I just want a big ring. That’s all I care about – a big ring.”

Such class! I am sure they will spends lots of time in the spray tan booth together. That’s love.

Hopefully Pauly D is on the Jersey Shore love train (choo choo!) because I’d be willing to go out with him since he’s a just a nice Italian boy from Rhode Island. We could drink Del’s Frozen Lemonade together while snacking on stuffed quahogs!

Another day, another post about my brother Andrew Kelley Simons, soon to be world famous musician, according to John Oates.

Good looks run in the family. Have you SEEN me???

At any rate, Andrew is talented and a decent looking dude. No, I am not in love my brother. Ewww. That is so Game of Thrones. But I AM in love with the fact that if ever gets super rich he’ll buy me a nice couch.

But anyway, Andrew once a time was in high school and looked like a certain actor that I adored so much in the best miniseries of all time. Yes, I’m talking about Voyage of the Mimi. And si, I’m talking about Ben “Holy chickens is that all peanut butter?” Affleck.

Look at the evidence!

Could he be in a boyband?

What a fashionable male INDEED!

Now if only they’ll remake Mallrats . . . . 

Salma Hayek used to be cool. She was beautiful and smart and a feminist who produced and starred in the movie Frida. She was on my A List of stars.

From Dusk till Dawn she was one sexy bitch!

And then she had to get married and get LAME.

Salma paged Captain Obvious is this month’s issue of More magazine, via People.com, where she stated that she didn’t think she could so happy in a marriage. Well, sweetheart, you married Francois-Henri Pinault, who is a billionaire. Yup, I’d be happy too.

Now I am going to see if there is any free lunch left over in the kitchen. A girl can dream!

All right, the world is filled with a lot of contradictions. The Happy Ending Sundae at Friendly’s is never happy because that means I have to leave Friendly’s. The Happy Meal at McDonald’s is not happy because I am too old to order it without getting a dirty look for being a weirdo old person. The song Happy Birthday is far from happy for me because it reminds me that I’m another year closer to getting a cat. You get the picture.

This delicious ice cream treat, on the other hand, still brings a smile to my face even though it is a creepy clown.

But perhaps the greatest contradiction in life is the television show Dancing With the Stars. Sure, I see dancing, but where the hell are the stars???

Let’s be honest. I am one of the biggest consumers of pop culture crap in the WORLD. I knew who Jenna Dewan was before she married Channing Tatum-she dated Justin Timberlake in 2002 and Howard Stern even had an eponymous game named for her where the contestants had to guess who someone is who they had no business knowing (I killed it every time), But even I’M at a loss when looking at this season of Dancing, and it’s the ALL STARS.

To wit, we have

• Sabrina Bryan
• Gilles Marini
• Kelly Monaco
• Bristol Palin
• Melissa Rycroft

Yup, real stars.

Granted, we also have Joey Fatone, Apolo Ohno, and Kirstie Alley. But we live in a world where Bristol F—ing Palin beat out Baywatch babe and inspiration for masturbaters everywhere (oh those were the days) Pamela Anderson! Too bad MY mom didn’t run for VP while I got knocked up by a douchebag tool!

I wish Pam and Tommy Lee would get back together and show how a REAL sex tape is made.

I’ll admit I don’t even watch Dancing With the Stars but I just have to start hate watching it because X Factor is making me snooze. And who knows. I might qualify for the cast next year!

Dios mio! There are a lot of unfortunate things that happen in the world, like the careers of Kim Kardashian, LeAnn Rimes, and Kelly Osbourne. But I think one of the WORST things that could happen to you EVER is being Sofia Vergara’s 20-year-old son.

Focus, pervs.

See, Sofia has a 20-year-old son Manolo, not named after the shoe, who is a student at Boston University. He seems like a nice, normal kid . . . who just happens to have the hottest mom on the planet.

They look more like Class Couple than Mother/Son.

Sure, there are bonus things to having a hot, famous, and rich mom such as meeting Ed O’Neill and eating at great restaurants.

Then there are less cool things like your mom tweeting a picture of her ass to the world.

Ass or boobs? You decide!

Oh well, I bet she pays his tuition so it can’t be ALL bad.

As many of you know, I am a HUGE fan of PSAs from the 1980s. They were so dire and scary and serious that we would run to the woods and eat hallucinogenic  tree bark before we’d EVER try any illegal drugs.

So I was thinking just last night as I made eggs and bacon for dinner (not because it is fun to have breakfast at night but rather because it’s cheap and I had nothing else to eat. Less glamorous isn’t it.), my omelets look like sh–. I try to flip them over and they are burned on one side and they fall apart and then I’m all, f— it, I’ll just scramble them. And I was reminded of a glorious PSA from the golden age.

Honestly–if my brain look like a really perfectly formed sunny side up egg while on drugs, then I’m doing okay.

All right my Jewish friends, I know it starts tonight but Happy Yom Kippur! Do you even say that? I mean, you have to atone and fast and repent. No marital relations even! How much fun can THAT be? Do you even get any presents???

Before I show any more cultural insensitivity (too late) let’s talk about just a little bit MORE about the Emmys and one of my favorite Hebrews, Mandy Patinkin.

I STILL can’t believe he’s not a medieval Spanish guy in real life. My name is Liz Simons. You killed my dreams. Prepare to die.

Nope, Mandy wasn’t at the ceremonies, but our girl Claire Danes wished him the best after accepting her award for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series for her roll in Homeland.

I was all, did she just suggest he go out and get some CHALLAH bread? Is she being kind, or an Anti-Semite? Before I get arrested for slander because I should not be spreading gossip in my highly regarded blog The DVR Files, let’s assume that was just Danes’ attempt at being funny. But yes, challah bread DOES sound awesome right now!

Do you ever imagine a world where being fierce means you’re a mean warrior and if you say smize your teachers send you to speech therapy class for not knowing how to pronounce a goddamn word? No? Well that just means you’ve been brainwashed by Tyra Banks.

To be fair I did love her in Higher Learning.

For all of us born before 1991, there was a world where Tyra Banks didn’t exist. It was a really nice time. We watched reality tv shows like America’s Funniest Home Videos and thought that George Michael was straight. “I want your sex before you go go,” I dreamed that he carelessly whispered in my ear. “I will SO not be your father figure.”

He was SO hetero that he even made videos with really beautiful women that he totally wanted to sleep with, like “Freedom! ’90.”

And then 1992 came and he made perhaps his biggest pop culture contribution: the video for “Too Funky.”

It kills me to admit that when I watched The Graduate I was all, why is Mrs. Robinson copying George Michael?

Notice that I say biggest and not greatest contribution. Because before this video, NO ONE had every heard of “Tyra.” And then afterwards we all looked her up in magazines because we didn’t have any Internet then.

And now, 20 years later, Tyra is frigging EVERYWHERE! Thanks a lot George!

BUT–if you do a reunion Wham! tour with Andrew Ridgeley all will be forgiven . . . .

Babysitting in the early 1990s was AWESOME. Sure, I was a HUGE fan of The Baby-sitters Club and pretended to care all about the kids while I was at their house. But let’s be honest: it was all about the food  . . . and the cable!

My favorite family was the Shays. Sorry for any other kid that I babysat for that is reading this, which is pretty much half the population of North Andover. The Shays’ food selection was decent, but they had HBO AND Cinemax so I had my choice of R-Rated movies to watch on a Saturday night. Check please!

The first movie I watched at their house was New Jack City. Immediately after seeing it I told all my seventh grade classmates that it was my favorite movie ever because there was violence, nudity, and Flavor Flav.

Maybe Wesley Snipes can use some of his money from drug dealing to pay off his taxes?

Kids today don’t know of the struggle we had to go through to watch R-Rated movies. They can download stuff from the Internet. We had to pretend to like kids and babysit in hopes that their parents subscribed to HBO. And this was BEFORE HBO had series like The Sopranos and Sex and the City so it was a rare gem to find such a family, and then you’d never let them go! Otherwise you’d be stuck watching Studs or Empty Nest.

Hey kidz-

Wow, the Emmys are over. Don’t know if you heard but I made like a million predictions last night and about half of them were right. But I don’t have time to review them at the moment because I have to eat before I go to work, and I want bacon and eggs which means I have to cook it. We’ll do the postmortem later.

But quick let’s talk about all the sh–I learned last night.

1) Aaron Paul loves his fiancee.

You couldn’t even shave for the Emmys?

Aaron Paul, 33, is going the Ryan Reynolds route by marrying a woman nearly a decade younger than him. And he LOVES HER! She’s the best woman in the world! She founded an anti-bullying group! Gag me with a spoon! Can’t it be enough, Aaron, that you won an Emmy for your “craft” in Breaking Bad? I was watching the Emmys alone, live tweeting, and eating frozen Brussel sprouts from Trader Joe’s. That might be sadder than being a meth dealer.

2) It was hot.

Those red carpet interviewers know how to address the real problems in the world. It was hot in California in September! Boo f—ing hoo. As my good friend Selena Coppock tweeted, “I wonder who’s suffering through worse heat: the celebs on the#Emmys red carpet or our servicemen & women in Afghanistan?”

3) I need to watch Homeland, Breaking Bad, and Downtown Abbey. 

Plus Sons of Anarchy, but that wasn’t nominated for an Emmy. When the f— will I have time? Plus there’s like a 2 year waiting list for the DVDs at the library! Wah wah wah!

That’s all for now. Talk soon!