The DVR Files

All right the Emmys have begun and I’m live tweeting them to my one billion twitter followers so I need to stop writing. I know, sad face.

If Rue was still with is, she’d win every Emmy in every category.

So let’s wrap this up and we can talk later, okay?

And don’t lose sleep, but I don’t have time to write out all the nominees. You can find them here.

Miniseries/Movie

• Who I Want Win: American Horror Story
• Who Will Win: Hatfields & McCoys

Lead Actress in a Miniseries/Movie

• Who I Want to Win: Connie Britton in American Horror Story even though she annoyed me a lot
• Who Will Win: Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin in Game Change which I didn’t see but read the book because I’m smart.

Lead Actor in a Miniseries/Movie

• Who I Want to Win: Clive Owen in Hemingway & Gellhorn because why not, he’s a fox!
• Who Will Win: Kevin Costner in Hatfields & McCoys. So strange when he is not a baseball player.

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries/Movie

• Who I Want to Win: Jessica Lange in American Horror Story
• Who Will Win: Jessica Lange in American Horror Story What can I say she’s awesome and campy and a blast!

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries/Movie

• Who I Want to Win: David Strathairn in Hemingway & Gelhorn because he should have won an Oscar for The River Wild
• Who Will Win: Ed Harris as John McCain in Game Change because they looked like twins.

Variety Series

• Who I Want to Win: The Colbert Report
• Who Will Win: The Daily Show with Craig Kilborn Jon Stewart

Host for a Reality Show

• Who I Want to Win: Phil Keoghan on The Amazing Race
• Who Will Win: Betty White on Betty White’s Off Their Rockers because she’s the only Golden Girl left

All right peace out!

No time to dilly dally, Emmys are about to begin!

The noms are . . .

• Mark Margolis as Tio Salamanca in Breaking Bad
• Dylan Baker as Colin Sweeney in The Good Wife
• Michael J. Fox as Louis Canning in The Good Wife
• Jeremy Davies as Dickie Bennett in Justified
• Ben Feldman as Michael Ginsberg in Mad Men
• Jason Ritter as Mark Cyr in Parenthood

Running out of time but let’s put it this way. Jeremy Davies will always be the guy who slept with his mom in Spanking the Monkey. So he can’t win the Emmy.

You’re allowed to go ewwwwww.

So . . .

Who I Want to Win: Jason Ritter-I still miss his dad.

Who Will Win: Michael J. Fox

Uh oh! I better hurry up! Only 45 minutes till the Emmys and I have 10 more posts to go! Eek!

Since I don’t have speed I’ll just have to concentrate on my own. I don’t even have time to make coffee. LAME.

Here are the nominees for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series:

• Martha Plimpton as Patti Nyholm in The Good Wife
• Loretta Devine as Adele Webber in Grey’s Anatomy
• Jean Smart as D.A. Roseanna Remmick in Harry’s Law
• Julia Ormond as Marie Calvet in Mad Men
• Joan Cusack as Sheila Jackson in Shameless
• Uma Thurman as Rebecca Duvall in Smash

Well I’ll be damned. This might be the most amazing array of nominees in the history of the world. I mean, you have a designing woman, you have a tomboy who helped find One-Eye Willie’s fortune, you have a chick with elaborate head gear.

Who the hell knew that Martha Plimpton would be the most likely to succeed of the Goonies cast???

I honestly don’t know what to do, so I’ll just pick a name out of a hat.

Who I Want to Win: Martha Plimpton

Who Will Win: Jean Smart (which would be fine by me!)

Woo! I wonder if this is how people on cocaine feel? I am on a fast train to the Emmys. Choo choo!

Here are your choices for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

• Aaron Paul as Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad
• Giancarlo Esposito as Gustavo ‘Gus’ Fring in Breaking Bad
• Brendan Coyle as John Bates in Downtown Abbey
• Jim Carter as Mr. Carson in Downtown Abbey
• Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones
• Jared Harris as Lane Pryce in Mad Men

Honestly, this isn’t even a competition. I don’t normally like to pick back to back winners, but this time it would be SUPER sweet to repeat, Duke basketball 1991/1992 style, .

Yup, I’m talking about everyone’s favorite little man, Peter Dinklage!

He’s the brother NOT banging his sister, in case you need a refresh.

Who I Want to Win: Peter Dinklage

Who Will Win: Peter Dinklage

The noms are:

• Anna Gunn as Skyler White in Breaking Bad
• Maggie Smith as Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham in Downton Abbey
• Joanne Froggatt as Anna in Downton Abbey
• Archie Panjabi as Kalinda Sharma in The Good Wife
• Christine Baranski as Diane Lockhart in The Good Wife
• Christina Hendricks as Joan Holloway Harris in Mad Men

Let me just tell you who all the men want to win . . . Christina Hendricks’ boobs!

Hey, I gave the girls and gay guys Jon Hamm’s pants. This is the least I could for my male and lesbian readers.

Now down to business, pervs.

I don’t watch any of these shows so my expert opinion might be a little off. But I will tell you that even as an Anglophile I don’t really like that half of the actresses nominated are British. So I’m picking an American. Just saying. And I’ve been a fan of Archie since she starred in East is East back in 1999 and Maggie Smith since she played the Reverend Mother in the best movie of all time Sister Act.

So . . .

Who I Want to Win: Christina Hendricks

Who Will Win: Who the F— knows. Let’s say Maggie Smith

Let’s keep this truck rolling!

Nominees for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series are:

• Steve Buscemi as Nucky Thompson in Boardwalk Empire
• Bryan Cranston as Walter White in Breaking Bad
• Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan in Dexter
• Hugh Bonneville as Robert, Earl of Grantham in Downton Abbey
• Damian Lewis as Nicholas Brody in Homeland
• Jon Hamm as Don Draper in Mad Men

Honestly, I’d give Jon Hamm an Emmy if he wore those pants, but I doubt he will. Sigh. He’s quick becoming the Susan Lucci of the primetime Emmys. Been nominated four times without a win and but I do think this is his year. Bryan Cranston will get it NEXT year after the final season of Breaking Bad, Kyle Chandler in Friday Night Lights-style, as his swan song. The other shows have a few more seasons (I hope) so I think Jon is due his Emmy. But only if he wears his pants.

Who I Want to Win: Jon Hamm’s Pants

Who Will Win: Jon Hamm the Person

One Emmy prediction down, 14 to go!

Next up: Lead Actress in a Drama Series.

The talented bitches nominated are:

• Glenn Close as Patty Hewes in Damages
• Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary Crawley in Downton Abbey
• Julianna Margulies as Alicia Florrick in The Good Wife
• Kathy Bates as Harriet Korn in Harry’s Law
• Claire Danes as Carrie Mathison in Homeland
• Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson in Mad Men

I was going to default to Glenn Close because I don’t want her to boil the bunny that I don’t own.

She really just wanted to use the knife to cut off her perm.

But then I’m all, why let a crazy ho win?

And I already predicted that another jealous wacko–Kathy Bates–will win the Emmy for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series and we all learned in kindergarten that we should share.

Would you like me to seduce you? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?

So now I’m left with four ladies whose shows I don’t watch. Based on the buzz, I’m thinking it’s all about Homeland. Damn I need a Showtime subscription, or at least a Showtime Anytime password!

Who I Want to Win: Claire Danes

Who Will Win: Claire Danes

Oh sh–. Two  months ago I pledge to you that I would make my Emmy predictions every day for the 18 major categories.

I did 5.

Oh sh–.

This baby is PISSED at me.

So . . . the Emmys begin in two hours and I am going to fulfill my promise but make it super quick and only slightly brilliant unlike my other posts which were completely brilliant. Sorry folks.

Let’s go, shall we?

First up: Outstanding Drama Series.

Nominees:

• Boardwalk Empire
• Breaking Bad
• Downton Abbey
• Mad Men
• Homeland
• Game of Thrones

Jesus F—ing Christ. This might be the toughest category EVER, because all these shows are great. And I only watch TWO of them–Boardwalk and Game. See, I started watching Breaking when it first premiered in 2008 but then I moved in with my aunt and uncle (temporarily, of course, because I AM AN ADULT) and wasn’t in charge of the DVR so I fell behind and then never jumped back on. I watched the first season of Mad Men before it was trendy but I confess I feel the same way about Mad as I do about Ian McEwan novels–I respect them and I get that they’re good but they’re way too f—ing boring for me. Downton I skipped but according to all my Anglophile Facebook friends it’s rad, and then I don’t get Showtime so I’ve missed Homeland but everyone who watches it says it’s the best show ever.

Angela Chase has come SO far!

Boardwalk is good but not great. Nucky, please don’t send any bad guys after me for saying that. And Game is so intriguing and creepy deepy and sexy and funny but I think it might be a little too out there for the Emmys.

So . . .

Who I Want to Win: Game of Thrones

Who Will Win: Homeland

Not to brag, but I am running two marathons this fall. First I’m running Chicago in two weeks, then New York a month after. Not to brag.

I wondered why people were calling me Jay-Z . . . .

Because I’m not Kenyan, I probably won’t win. Because I want to come in second place AFTER the Kenyans, I went on a long training run today. And I couldn’t help but think what inspired me to start running ten years ago in the first place. The Freshmen 50 that I gained in college? The cute boys that ran around the Esplanade in Boston? My own dad who had run a bunch of marathons?

Um, triple no.

Grover f—ing inspired me! Duh!