The DVR Files

There was a Presidential Debate last night?

Oops, I missed it. I was too busy looking at looking at the sneak attack of the snake in Jon Hamm’s pants.

Ahhhh! Hide in the basement because it’s BACK!

Jon and his friend from the land down under are currently filming the HBO movie Clear History in Boston, and nothing could be clearer than the fact that Jon comes to the set extra loaded with a heavy duty pistol ready to shoot bullets or blanks at a moment’s notice.

Also, that my mom is very disappointed that I’m a grown woman who makes way too many penis jokes. Oh well!

It’s not often that I feel sorry for a Dawson’s Creek alum who is not Michelle Williams.

Look at the light in her eyes before she became a zombie/wife.

But Jesus F—ing Christ. Home girl is just trying to live her life in New York City, and all the world does not give a giant f—. Sorry for the f bombs, my mom would be disappointed. But I mean REALLY.

The latest news on Katie is that she ordered a coffee, and looked “very relaxed” while doing so.

Well, thank God we know! I bet she is a giant wreck while drinking tea. Guess we’ll just have to wait and find out.

I’m talking about her ring, pervs!

Thank God she has her huge ring to anchor her to the ground!

See, Sofia Vergara continues her mission to alienate her female fans everywhere. In the upcoming issue of Lucky Magazine, explained to us via People.com, she explains to us where to shop for oh so beautiful dresses that will rip in inopportune times so you can tweet them out and thus gain legions of followers. Kidding! Nope, home girl finally confirms that she is in fact engaged to the luckiest bastard on Earth, aspiring Florida politician (he’s a keeper!) Nick Loeb. And that her ring is HUGE, but not so huge that she can’t actually wear it. Just how I like my [fill in the blank again].*

He must have a great personality. Or a big f—ing wallet.

I haven’t given up on Sofia yet. English is her second language after all. Let’s just hope she doesn’t next talk about how HARD it is being the most beautiful women ever with a fabulous rack!

Oh sh–. Too late.

*Porridge, pervs! You always disappoint me, while simultaneously making me giggle.

Hey kidz–

I know it’s been a while since I’ve talked about bikini babe LeAnn Rimes, but that’s because I wanted to give her the tranquility she so deserves after a long day frolicking on the beach. It is so stressful, in fact, that it sent her to rehab.

Life is so hard!

Now LeAnn is back and better than ever. She tells my hometown paper The Boston Herald-or as I like to call it, the Post of Massachusetts–that “I think it’s really hard to deal with Twitter and Facebook and all these social media outlets.” Oh that’s just rich. She goes on, “I have felt like I’ve had a piece of tape over my mouth the last four years.” Well, no tape over her typing fingers, as she has sent out 51,965 tweets (and counting!) in her Twitter lifetime. That means that even if she started using Twitter right when it was launched in March 2006, she has sent out an average of 21.65 tweets a DAY since then. That’s more women than Wilt Chamberlain has even slept with!

LeAnn–my advice to you? Stay away from Twitter and Facebook. Problem solved.

I try not to get ever get jealous of people, because we all know the grass is always greener but that could just because they spray painted it.

But then I see the stills of Ben Affleck in his latest movie Argo and I’m all, I hate that bitch Jennifer Garner.*

Swarthiness works for him.

Now, of course Ben is a big movie star now (hello, Boiler Room, anyone?) but he got his start in television, which I am sure I would have DVR’ed if such a device existed back then. Let’s look at his evolution on the little and big screen, and question how the f— did he get so hot? Because truth be told, it wasn’t always obvious in the 1980s and early ’90s. Let’s explore.

“Holy chickens is that all peanut butter?”

1) Ben first starred as C.T. Granville in 1984 in the PBS educational series The Voyage of the Mimi, which every middle schooler in Massachusetts watched in 7th grade science class through at least the mid ’90s. It was about life on a boat and it was SPECTACULAR. Ben uttered his famous line upon seeing a big old vat of peanut butter: “Holy chickens is that all peanut butter?” Is that great writing or what?

Matt and Ben, where it all began!

2) Ben played pasty prep school student Chesty Smith in the 1992 dramz School Ties which starred Brendan Fraser as a Jew in the 1950s. To be honest, I don’t even REMEMBER Ben in this movie, but I do remember Matt Damon playing an anti-Semitic prick. We all thought this was going to be the Dead Poets Society of the ’90s, but it was kind of lame and there were no “Oh Captain my Captain” moments.

Look at that hair!

3) This is the movie where I fell in love with Ben Affleck even though I only knew at this point as the guy who played C.T. in Mimi. Anyway, we’re talking about Dazed and Confused, released in 1993, where he played asshole O’Bannion who enjoyed beating up freshmen. He wasn’t hot yet, but he was funny.

There were a bunch of other movies where he started to transition from eh, some cute guy you’d see at a football game, to someone completely bangworthy. For the sake of time (I have to shower before work!) I’ll cut that part short and just show a few jpegs:

Ben in Mall Rats, 1995: He has no respect for men with no shopping agendas.

Ben in Pearl Harbor, 2001: You’re too hot to get kamikazed!

Ben in The Town, 2010: Even as a bank robber, I’d let him violate me!

So there we have it! The Evolution of Ben Affleck, from nerdy kid to sexy babe!

*I don’t REALLY hate Jennifer Garner. She and Ben are actually one of my fave couples of all time and I’d chop off his nuts if he ever cheated on her, even if it was with me!

Oh. My. God. What are we going to DO about Sunday nights? I have a billion shows to watch and only about 3 hours to actually spend time watching them this entire week!

And I’m talking about just one night! Here’s what we have on the horizon.

Who needs a fancy address anyway? Just move to Queens already, and you’ll never be exposed to the devil but instead lots of crazy Greeks!

• Football
• 666 Park Avenue
• The Amazing Race
• Boardwalk Empire
• Real Housewives of New Jersey

I want to get into Homeland and Revenge and Dexter, but I need to breathe and sleep! Eek!

So what will you be making priority viewing this week?

Oh my God! Have you heard of this really awesome up and coming actress Lindsay Lohan? She starred in ONE movie eight years ago called Mean Girls and she is SO fetch and pretty and I just want to get “Fully Loaded” with her, maybe with herbs, maybe with Herbie. Who knows? We’ll have fun either way!

I feel REALLY bad though because Lindsay is ALWAYS getting into trouble! But it’s NEVER her fault. So last night she had yet another adventure with the law. She met some guy named Christian LaBella at a club and invited him back to her hotel room, but he started taking stealth pictures of her with her phone, so she took the phone from him and ran away, but they she returned and they got in a scuffle. She called the police and accused the guy of choking her and then he was cuffed but later all charges were dropped. Sheesh. How’s THAT for a Sunday morning!

Granted, this guy sounds like a douche–he apparently chills with those klassy Kardashians–but Lindsay needs to get her sh– together STAT otherwise she will be starring in Meaner Girls: Lucked Up Raw in Prison and that will NOT have a happy ending I tell you!

Remember back in the day when you were young and you were all, I will NEVER like beer or coffee or girls or boys or jazz music because I am a KID and I only like playing with My Little Ponies and LEGOs and listening to Cyndi Lauper and Lionel Richie’s Dancing on the Ceiling?

Oh what a feeling.

However, you f—ing LIKED donuts, especially the chocolate glazed kind either in the regular or kruller shape (you were open-minded like that). So you were familiar with Dunkin’ Donuts as every good child from Massachusetts was.

Give me a wicked tasty donut NOW!

So I say with great honor Happy National Coffee Day! Let’s celebrate by watching a few of our favorite coffee commercials.

Instant coffee is the equivalent of Lunchables. No one loves you enough to make you a real cup of coffee or lunch.

Decaffeinated coffee is for dweebs.

SERIOUSLY, Sofia. I like you.  But you’re making it hard.

See, the other night you went to the Emmys where the show you star in, Modern Family, which I happen to ADORE, won a bunch of rewards. And right before it captured Outstanding Comedy Series, you suffered a major tragedy. Your dress ripped. Que lastima!

Women get Jon Hamm’s ding dong, men get this!

People may be starving in Africa, troops may be fighting in Iraq, but let’s put this all in perspective. Your dress ripped in fronts of millions of viewers. WAY worse.

You explained to People.com that she “almost had a heart attack.” Well, then! Thank God you tweeted the photo that nearly caused you such an ailment to your 3 million followers on Twitter.

You might have died, but men around the world thanked you. So let’s look at the positive in this travesty.

I don’t know about you, but I like my cookies to not be racist. So that’s why I was a HUGE fan of Giggles back in the ’80s.

“Two kinds of creme in each funny face!”

Giggles were so innovative for their time. You want a chocolate cookie? Or maybe a white one? No problem. But we’re going to put vanilla AND fudge creme in the middle of BOTH of them. And we’re going to LAUGH and LAUGH and LAUGH about it.

Who f—ing knew that a delicious sandwich cookie could be such a symbol of racial harmony? Even E.L. Fudges were kind of all, we’ll give you a vanilla or a chocolate cookie, but only one kind of creme inside! Boooooo.

So thank you, Giggles, for teaching us that cookies indeed shall overcome.