All right, the world is filled with a lot of contradictions. The Happy Ending Sundae at Friendly’s is never happy because that means I have to leave Friendly’s. The Happy Meal at McDonald’s is not happy because I am too old to order it without getting a dirty look for being a weirdo old person. The song Happy Birthday is far from happy for me because it reminds me that I’m another year closer to getting a cat. You get the picture.

This delicious ice cream treat, on the other hand, still brings a smile to my face even though it is a creepy clown.

But perhaps the greatest contradiction in life is the television show Dancing With the Stars. Sure, I see dancing, but where the hell are the stars???

Let’s be honest. I am one of the biggest consumers of pop culture crap in the WORLD. I knew who Jenna Dewan was before she married Channing Tatum-she dated Justin Timberlake in 2002 and Howard Stern even had an eponymous game named for her where the contestants had to guess who someone is who they had no business knowing (I killed it every time), But even I’M at a loss when looking at this season of Dancing, and it’s the ALL STARS.

To wit, we have

• Sabrina Bryan
• Gilles Marini
• Kelly Monaco
• Bristol Palin
• Melissa Rycroft

Yup, real stars.

Granted, we also have Joey Fatone, Apolo Ohno, and Kirstie Alley. But we live in a world where Bristol F—ing Palin beat out Baywatch babe and inspiration for masturbaters everywhere (oh those were the days) Pamela Anderson! Too bad MY mom didn’t run for VP while I got knocked up by a douchebag tool!

I wish Pam and Tommy Lee would get back together and show how a REAL sex tape is made.

I’ll admit I don’t even watch Dancing With the Stars but I just have to start hate watching it because X Factor is making me snooze. And who knows. I might qualify for the cast next year!