The Emmys are the Sophie’s Choice of Television

Posted on July 26, 2013 by thedvrfiles

As many of you know, I love TV. Hence why I write a blog called The DVR Files. Crazy, isn’t it???

Mike Teavee was always my idol.

Mike Teavee was always my idol.

So naturally my favorite awards show is the Emmys. Nominations were announced last week, and I will be making periodic predictions till the actual presentation on September 22. Today it’s going to be “Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or a Movie.”

Ahem, the nominees:

  • Michael Douglas as Liberace, Behind the Candelabra
  • Matt Damon as Scott Thorson, Behind the Candelabra
  • Benedict Cumberbatch as Christopher Tietjens, Parade’s End
  • Al Pacino as Phil Spector, Phil Spector
  • Toby Jones as Alfred Hitchcock, The Girl

Let’s be f—ing honest. There is no way that either of the Brits nominated–Benedict Cumberbatch or Toby Jones–is going to win this award because, I mean, really. Despite the Anglophile nature of the Emmys (and me)–hello Downton Abbey–we’re not going to vote an Englishman the winner when we have three AMAZING American actors nominated who usually do film.

So now we have Douglas, Damon, and Pacino. Sounds like a law firm! If ONLY it were that simple.

But no, it is SO not simple. See, I bet Al Pacino was great because look at him. That HAIR!

That HAIR!

Sexy!

But I never saw Phil Spector so it’s a no go.

So now it’s between Douglas and Damon, both stars of my favorite TV movie of 2013 which I watched alone, which is unfortunate because there were SO MANY drinking games to be played during it!

Too much sexy!

Take a shot when they touch each other!

How can you choose a winner? Both men were amazing. Douglas sounded exactly like Lib and 42-year-old Damon pretended to be 17! (Thorson was a teen when he first met Liberace.)

But really, I’m fooling myself. There’s no competition. It’s all Liberace/Douglas, all the way.

What do you think???

 

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Don’t Blame it on the Rain, Blame it on the Tequila.

Posted on July 26, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Nearly one week ago Geraldo Rivera decided to make the world a better a place to he tweeted this gorgeous picture to the universe.

F--- yeah!

Sorry!

“70 is the new 50,” he proclaimed.

And “drunk is still drunk,” we soon learned, when Rivera admitted that he MIGHT have drank a little too much tequila the night of what I like to call “Nipplegate.”

His explanation is quite awesome:

“I did a great show on black-on-black crime and race relations and the Trayvon Martin fallout and federal charges … and I get home and there’s no one to talk to, everyone’s asleep,” Rivera explained on 95.5 FM’s Scott & Todd morning show about his “Geraldo at Large” TV show, which he films Saturday nights. Still “wired” from work, Rivera admitted to having “a couple of drinks.” “This weekend, it was tequila. I never do tequila when I’m alone, but I had this new bottle that someone had given me for my birthday,” the 70-year-old star admitted. “By the second one, my fate was sealed.”

Ha! I love the whole “I never do tequila alone” defense. That’s why I say too. It’s usually beer, wine, or whiskey alone for me!

Whatever, I still love Geraldo. And because I may have horrified you by posting the picture above for the second time in one week, enjoy this jpeg to cleanse the palate.

Did you pervs really think I was going to post a picture of a naked woman?

Did you pervs really think I was going to post a picture of Jon Hamm again? Well, you were almost correct. Almost.

 

 

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You Can’t Erase History, Wikipedia!

Posted on July 26, 2013 by thedvrfiles

The other day I wanted a snack which was sweet and awesome. “Oh yeah!” I said to myself. “I’ll have a Twix!”

Don't expect me to share. What do you think, I have a Hundred Grand to spend on candy?

Don’t expect me to share. What, do you think I have a 100 Grand to spend on candy?

And then I remembered days past, and how great Twix commercials were in the 1980s because they showed young people having fun while listening to cool electronic Swiss music by the band Yello. Oh yeah, again!

 

This, of course, sent me in a spiral to find all of the things that featured cool electronic Swiss music by the band Yello. So I wikipedia’ed their song “Oh Yeah” and found this entry. I’ll summarize it for you, because I’m nice like that.

Basically, “Oh Yeah” has been a staple of pop culture since it was released in 1985. We all remember it from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but do you know it was also featured in the 1987 Michael J. Fox vehicle The Secret of My Success or a 2006 episode of South Park or even in that annoying musical theater show that the kids like called Glee? (Is it too soon to mock Glee? Am I going to hell? Eh, probably.)

But HERE’S THE THING. NOWHERE in the article does wikipedia mention that is in any Twix commercials. NOWHERE. How can you deny this? It’s like saying “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life” is just a Top 40 song sung by one of the guys that did “Unchained Melody” or that you got your dog spayed (or neutered!) because you care about the animal population when we all know it’s because BOB BARKER TOLD YOU TO DO IT.

I still have dreams about spinning that wheel.

I still have dreams about spinning that wheel.

So wikipedia, I’m on to you. Heck, I’m on to the Internet in general. After all–I also cannot find ANY mention of the 1980s Chunky commercial which featured a spoof of the song “My Boyfriend’s Back.” WTF, Internet. WTF.

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Who Wants To Marry a Cartoon Villain?

Posted on July 24, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Hey all! I’m casting a new TV special called Who Wants to Marry A Cartoon Villain? It’s going to be awesome and evil, so if you’re interested in appearing please reach out to me ASAP. We’ve got a ton of devious men ready for you!

Unfortunately, no guarantee that they will be multi-millionaires.

Unfortunately, no guarantee that they will be multi-millionaires.

I know you’re probably all, WHO will they be? As you can imagine–most villains are off planning sinister schemes and pernicious plots, so it was TOUGH to find single savages. But I think you’ll be quite impressed with our selections, if contemptible cads are your thing.

Gargamel

Good with animals

At least he’s good with animals.

At first glance he appears moody, spiteful, and stooped  . . . but as you get to know “Gargy” you’ll see that he has a soft spot for mangy cats named after archangels of death. He doesn’t like the color blue or lil critters who live together in hippie communes, so if you like to look at a beautiful sky or examine creatures who live in mushrooms, I’d advise you to check elsewhere for a mate.

Skeletor

Someone's been lifting weights at the gym.

Someone’s been lifting weights at the gym.

The dude is HOT from the neck down, I’ll say that much. He can also teleport, cast spells, and grow plants, which is great if you have a green thumb. However, he totally wants to conquer Eternia, so if you are averse to imperialism I’d stay away.

Mr. Spacely

boss from hell

Nice stache!

He owns his own business (Spacely Space Sprockets), so if you want to venture around the galaxy you will probably get a family discount. He has a short temper and can be tough on his employees–especially this really nice guy George Jetson–but the plus side is you will be rich.

Dr. Claw

Cartoon villains apparently really dig cats, Who knew?

Cartoon villains apparently really dig cats, Who knew?

If you like your men out of sight, out of mind, then Dr. Claw is the right evildoer for you. He hides away in his castle fooling around on his computer planning nefarious plots to foil Inspector Gadget. Another plus is that your Jewish mother will be happy you found a doctor!

Mr. Burns

Excellent.

Excellent . . . .

Wealthy and old, he is also a pioneer in bringing nuclear energy to Springfield. Who knows when the hell he’ll die, you just need to be wary of his devoted minion Waylon Smithers, because I totally think he has a crush on old “Monty,” and things could get weird.

Scar

king of the jungle

He looks sexy when he’s mad.

I never said he had to be a human being! ANY kind of male parts are sufficient. At any rate, this guy is king of the jungle, but he’s also a bit power hungry–he killed his own brother! Talk about mean! He does have a sexy British accent which is a bit odd considering he lives in Africa, but who am I to judge. Just “be prepared” for anything.

 

So there are all your base bachelors. Shoot me an email if you’re interested in competing for one of their hands or claws in marriage.

Sorry–we’re just taking women for now but if this goes well (fingers crossed!) we will certainly be casting men for Who Wants To Marry a Cartoon Villainess?

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Un-break Her Heart

Posted on July 24, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Bad new folks. Toni Braxton will be singing “Another Sad Love Song” because her “Love Affair” with Keri Lewis, her husband of 12 years, has officially ended in divorce today.

Hopefully one day she can breathe again.

Hopefully one day she can breathe again.

Don’t fret–Braxton still believes in “family values.” She and her ex will co-parent their two children, wait for it, Denim and Diezel.

Let’s be honest . . . whiles this is certainly SAD, it is STILL preferable to Tyson Beckford getting killed in a tragic car accident and dying in Toni’s arms. Let’s put things in perspective people.

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The Muppet Babies Are Way Cuter Than the Royal Baby, and Probably Richer Too

Posted on July 23, 2013 by thedvrfiles

I am SO excited that the Royal Baby is a boy, because he can marry my niece Charlotte, who is 5 weeks old today. Who doesn’t like an older woman?

This guy? Oh wait.

This guy sure does! Oh wait . . . .

And while the RB is super cute, I know quite a few babies that exceed him in the adorbs department. And I’m not just talking my niece.

Nope, I’m talking about the f—ing Muppet Babies!

Uh oh!

If interspecies is your thing . . . .

The Muppet Babies are related to the late great Jim Henson, so you know they have some money in the bank. Unlike RB, who has a title and everything, but I’ve seen Downton Abbey, these old aristocratic families are ALWAYS having to downsize.

And if they don’t work out, you could always try the Flintstone Kids. They probably invented the wheel so there is probably a trust fund somewhere.

Posted in People Who Should Have A Baby Together, Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged , | Leave a comment

I Can’t Believe I Don’t Live in a Crystal Castle

Posted on July 22, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Do you ever take deep breaths and reflect on your life and think, gee, it wasn’t supposed to turn out like this. I am not supposed to live in a tiny apartment with mismatched tiles and thin walls and dust bunnies under my bed where I am too lazy to clean.

Nope, at the very least I should be living HERE.

Blue and yello are the best combo.

Blue and yellow are the best combo.

And operating this business which I won with my husband Tom.

Everything you need!

Service station AND car wash–we don’t mess around.

Once we got rich, we’d move here.

Not as many bedrooms as we'd like--we'd add a guest house.

Not as many bedrooms as we’d like–we’d add a guest house.

Of course, none of this has happened. I wish I could just drive my car off into the sunset . . .

Nice wheels!

Nice wheels!

But I only have a subway pass.

Boo f—ing hoo. Thanks for nothing She-Ra, Barbie, Hot Wheels, and Fisher-Price!

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Dennis Farina, An Awesome Dude, Has Died

Posted on July 22, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Man, this is a huge disappointment. The actor Dennis Farina died today. He was 69.

Better stache than Selleck.

Better stache than Selleck.

I loved Dennis not only because he was a phenomenal actor, he was also an inspiration to latebloomers everywhere. A Chicago native, her served on their police force from 1967-1985. While serving as a police consultant for director Michael Mann, he was cast in a small role in the 1981 film Thief when he was 37.

Over the past few years I’ve enjoyed his work on the doomed HBO vehicle Luck and his guest turn as Nick’s dad on New Girl.

RIP Dennis Farina. You will be missed!

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Tina Turner is Not Your Private Dancer

Posted on July 22, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Bummerz men, Tina Turner will be dancing for someone that is not you. That’s right, home girl just married a Swiss gentlemen named Erwin Bach. Oh, and she’s 73 and he’s 57. Oh, and they’ve been together for 27 years. Clearly, love has something to do with it.

They would both get voted best hair.

They would both get voted best hair.

I’m so happy for Tina. My confirmation name is Mary so you could even call me Proud Mary. She still looks great and she still rocks it and there is nothing more inspirational to me than a strong, kick ass woman, which Tina obviously is.

And because IT NEVER GETS OLD, here is the video for “Private Dancer.” You’re welcome.

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Geraldo Rivera: The Jon Hamm of Chests?

Posted on July 21, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Once upon a time, Geraldo Rivera looked like a disco version of Inigo Montoya.

Go ahead, try to kill my father. I'll just seek revenge via my feathered hair.

“Go ahead, try to kill my father. I’ll just seek revenge via my feathered hair.”

Now, he looks like a giant hot stud at your neighborhood retirement community.

Anthony Weiner in 20 years.

Anthony Weiner in 20 years.

Rivera CLEARLY does not need to look for treasures in Al Capone’s vault, because he has his own family jewels. Zing!

His lucky, lucky wife. Narcissism knows no age.

 

Posted in Sexy Always | Tagged | 1 Comment