Everyone from Laguna Beach is Married

Posted on October 13, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Sad news for people who really married wanted to marry someone from the MTV reality show Laguna Beach.

That's no Lake Cochickewick

That’s no Lake Cochichewick.

They’re all off the market!

First Kristen Cavallari married quarterback Jay Cutler earlier this year after popping out son Camden.

He looks more like a fantasy football player than a Chicago Bear.

He looks more like a fantasy football player than a Chicago Bear.

Then yesterday Jason Wahler married some model named Ashlee Slack.

Only 26, but he already aspires to be George Hamilton.

Only 26, but he already aspires to be George Hamilton.

Lauren “LC” Conrad, clearly jealous that her former fling Wahler beat her to the alter, decided to get engaged! Today she announced on her blog that her boyfriend, law student William Tell (yup), popped the question. She said yes. Phew!

I wonder if they will play the William Tell Overture at their wedding.

I wonder if they will play the William Tell Overture at their wedding.

Talan already got engaged over the summer.

Ugh, what does an aspiring Southern California socialite have to DO to find a former reality star to marry? Do I need to take a trip to Orange County to see if the Real Housewives have any available sons? Hope not!

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I Miss Pee-wee Herman

Posted on October 12, 2013 by thedvrfiles

If there is ONE reason I want a time machine, it would be to go back to 1991 and invent Internet pornography.

Too bad the Flux Capacitpr wasn't a REAL thing.

Too bad the Flux Capacitor wasn’t a REAL thing. You’ll never work in this town again Doc Brown!

It’s not what you think.

See, I’m a true humanitarian. I could do without Internet pornography myself because I am a very pristine Catholic human being who enjoys looking at rainbows, unicorns, and cute puppies online.

Did you pervs really think I was going to post a picture of a naked woman?

Ahhhhhh!

But if Internet pornography has been invented in 1991, then we could still be watching this bitch on our TV screens right now on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Ta da!

Ta da!

Yup, that’s Penny from the amazing and weird children’s show Pee-wee’s Playhouse, which ran on CBS from 1986 to 1990. And yes, I would still be watching it as a 30-something (gorgeous and sexy and single and available) woman if it were on today.

But in July of 1991, Pee-Wee, aka Paul Reubens, got caught jerking off in a adult movie theater in Sarasota, Florida. He was subsequently arrested.

I know.

I know.

The sh– hit the fan, along with other bodily substances. While production of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse had already concluded the previous year, CBS was still airing reruns at the time of Reubens’ arrest, which they immediately pulled from the schedule. Pee-wee became a pariah and a joke. His career was effectively ruined.

To put this in perspective, Jeffrey Dahmer had been caught with a bunch of body parts in his apartment days earlier. But this was way more pearl-clutching.

So if there had been Internet porn back in 1991, Paul Reubens could have looked at naked people doing sexual things in the privacy of his own home. What a missed opportunity for time-traveler enthusiasts and inventors. They could have saved Pee-wee’s career!

Even Jambi couldn’t fix the problem!

Wish? Did someone say wish? Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho!

Wish? Did someone say wish? Mecca lecca hi, mecca hiney ho!

Granted, Reubens was arrested again in 2002 for his extensive collection of erotica but charges were later dropped, so who knows, Internet pornography may have simply enabled him.

Let’s just watch Penny make toast instead.

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

The Overcrowded Jenner House

Posted on October 11, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Bruce, I’m on your side. I really am. But Jesus F—ing Christ. STOP.

Eek!

Eek!

And believe it or not, I’m not even talking about the plastic surgery!

Nope, I’m talking about what my Bible-aka People Mag-claims was the decathlete’s “breaking point” in his marriage to soul sucking Kris.

I bet she has fangs.

I bet she has fangs.

The issue? Their house was too f—ing small.

I get it.

Hmmmmmm . . . . 

While the estate could certainly fit the population of Rhode Island, it apparently was not big enough for Kim and Kanye’s egos when they moved in with their baby and nannies (yes, as in plural of “nanny”), joining a household that already included Kris, Bruce, Kylie, Kendall, and frequent visitors Khloe and Kourtney.

No room left over for poor Rob!

Poor Rob kouldn’t fit.

The source explains that “This was Bruce’s house, too.”

Okay. Fair enough. Go on.

“And he had no room. He felt like he was being shoved into a corner.”

Uh, source. Do you need me to show you the picture of their house again?

I get it.

Happy to oblige.

Uh, there are multiple corners in this house. Probably really spacious corners. Heck, you could probably fit the populations of Connecticut in ADDITION to the people of Rhode Island in the corners!

Don’t blame the house, Bruce. Blame the crazy b—-es who live between the walls! There, fixed it for you.

Lucky bastard even had an escape route: a house in Malibu. I don’t feel bad for him, though I imagine the scars on his soul are deeper than the ones on his face inflicted by all that plastic surgery.

 

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Happy 47th (or 48th) Birthday Luke Perry!

Posted on October 11, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Hold on to your panties because I have some shocking news. The man formerly known as Dylan McKay turns 47 (or 48!) today. FYI-this uncertainty is not for lack of research. Wikipedia says Perry was born in 1966 but IMDB says 1965! What a mystery!

What is not a mystery, however, is that Luke is still a total fox. Sure, he looks like he’s had a few too many cigs and bottles of whiskey, but home boy has character. I’d hit it.

Channeling a little Bryan Cranston there.
Channeling a little Bryan Cranston here.

Perry most recently has appeared on the TV shows Community and the cancelled Body of Proof, but of course he will always be remembered as rich rebel Dylan McKay on Beverly Hills, 90210. I also loved him as Rev. Jeremiah Cloutier in the terrifying HBO prison drama Oz, where every week someone got shanked and/or raped. Good times!

We also got to see his peen on Oz, but please, this is a family friendly blog.
We also got to see his peen on Oz, but please, this is a family friendly blog. 

It looks like wine and Luke Perry have something in common besides both making me drunk with happiness.

They also get better with age. Zing! Bet you didn’t see that punchline coming.

This is what comes up when you google image search "Luke Perry wine."

This is what comes up when you google image search “Luke Perry wine.” DAMN.

So happy birthday Mr. Perry and yes, I am single and willing, if you want to celebrate with me.

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Is Matt Durning, Attorney At Law, Still Practicing?

Posted on October 10, 2013 by thedvrfiles

It’s Throwback Thursday or #TBT for all of us savvy social media movers and shakers. Yahoooo!

Let’s be honest-EVERY day is #TBT in The DVR Files world. We enjoy talking about Caboodles, ring around the collar, Grey Poupon commercials, and Kelly LeBrock ANY day of the week.

Weird science indeed!

Weird science indeed!

But earlier today we got the news that Donna Martin and Kelly Taylor are starring in a new show together, and it got me thinking about one of Kelly’s exes.

Ray Pruit?

Dylan sideburn wannabe.

Please. Your sideburns will never be as good as Dylan’s.

Uh, no dum dum. Ray was Donna’s abusive beau who pushed her down the stairs. Which, I’m sorry to say, will NEVER get old.

How do you talk to a devil?

No, the boyfriend I REALLY want to discuss is Kelly’s piece in the final two seasons, Matt Durning, Attorney at Law.

He looks so Connecticut.

He looks so Connecticut. Which makes sense since the actor who played him, Daniel Cosgrove, WAS.

Matt had a busy two seasons in the posh zip code. According to wikipedia, he helped out many key characters: “Valerie’s self-defense murder of her molesting father, Noah’s drunken driving, and David’s bogus statuatory rape charge.” Yikes!

Despite being a superstar lawyer, Matt had a complicated past when he started dating Kelly. He was actually married to a woman who was institutionalized in New York City due to mental illness. What a husband! Kelly and Matt stuck through it, but then he let her go so she could be with Dylan. What a romantic!

Matt ended up moving back to New York, and God knows there are a TON of lawyers here, so who knows, he could work at a firm somewhere. Just don’t date him–I’m not sure if he ever divorced his crazy wife.

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True sTORI: Spelling and Garth Unite

Posted on October 10, 2013 by thedvrfiles

It’s been 13 years since Beverly Hills, 90210 ended and let’s be honest, my life hasn’t been the same since. Sure, the CW tried to resurrect it in 2008 under the banner 90210 but, ugh, I watched maybe three episodes before I gagged on a peach pit.

Nat would agree.

Nat would agree.

So you can imagine my utter when joy when it was announced that the artists formerly known as Donna Martin and Kelly Taylor were going to reunite on an upcoming TV show. Yes, you heard me correctly. Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth are together again!

They're excited too!

They’re excited too!

The two 1990s icons will appear in the ABC Family pilot Mystery Girls, which centers around two former actresses who once starred on a crime series and now will play detectives in real life. Sounds realistic!

I just hope this man makes a cameo!

I want to run my fingers through that mane.

What a hunk!

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Tom Hanks Can’t Get Fat Anymore.

Posted on October 10, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Tom Hanks announced earlier this week that he suffered from Type 2 diabetes. Bummer!

Where's Wilson when you really need him?

Where’s Wilson when you really need him?

He then made a declaration that will fast track one’s nomination into the “And Not a Single F— was Given” Hall of Fame.

He said that he can’t gain weight for roles anymore.

I’m going to give Tom a pass because we have a great history together. He inspired me to learn how to play “Chopsticks” on the piano. He reminded me that life is like a box of chocolates. He dressed up in women’s clothes before RuPaul’s Drag Race was even a thing.

Fierce!

Fierce!

But Jesus F—ing Christ. Actors gaining weight to look like the rest of us plebes makes me gag. Why don’t they just hire a regular fat person?

To wit . . . everyone was all, Charlize Theron was so BRAVE when she shaved her eyebrows and put on a prosthetic face or whatever the hell she did to look like this in her Oscar-winning performance in Monster.

Looks like I do right before I hop in the shower, except with a gun.

Looks like I do right before I hop in the shower, except with a gun.

But at the end of the day, Charlize goes home and looks like this.

bitch

Bitch.

It’s so obnoxious. Ugh.

I’d still have a drink with both of them, though. As long as it was diabetic friendly for Tom!

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A Jonas Brother Scandal? Delish!

Posted on October 9, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Hanson would never do this.

Two days before their tour was set to begin, the Jonas Brothers have called it off due to a “deep rift” within the band.

Only blind people and assholes wear sunglasses indoors.

Only blind people and assholes wear sunglasses indoors. Gee, I wonder what they are.

Despite never having a heard a Jonas Brother song in my life (for realz and thank God) this feud excites me to NO END.

WHO IS responsible??? Granted, all of them look like big giant douches. Except for Kevin. He looks like a typical Irish American living in Southie who brags that he once ran inadvertently ran drugs for Whitey Bulger because he was good to the neighborhood!

Yup!

Or Dorchesta!

My money is on Nick, who has recently taken to Instagram to post ridiculous selfies like this.

Looks so real.

Looks so real.

What do you think???

 

 

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Two’s Company in Suzanne Somers’ Bed!

Posted on October 9, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Suzanne Somers has clearly been using her Thighmaster.

Yup!

Beautiful!

On yesterday’s episode of The Talk, the woman formerly known as Chrissy Snow claimed that she and her husband Alan Hamel bone twice a day.

You go girl!

Somers, 66, was responding to Miley Cyrus’ appearance on Monday’s The Today Show, where the pop starlet and wannabe be harlot stated that people stopped being sexual at age 40.

What a twerk!

Suzanne put Miley in her place. Home girl has been married to Hamel, 77, for 36 years so that means they’ve done it 19,710 since Somers turned 40 on October 16, 1986 (I calculated for Leap Years).

Take that, Miley!

And side note. What the hell is up with Miley sounding like Ivanka Trump? You’re from Nashville not the Upper East Side! Show me that twang!

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Bruce Jenner is Free At Last, Free At Last!

Posted on October 9, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Bruce Jenner is the latest man to escape from the klutches of the Kardashian Klan.

Following in the footsteps of the great men before him, including the late attorney to the infamous Robert Kardashian, Kim’s first husband Damon Thomas, Nick Lachey (yup, he dated Kim briefly in 2006), Ray J, Reggie Bush (who has mysteriously been scrubbed from Kim’s wikipedia page. You can’t erase history!), Kris Humphries, and Lamar Odom, Bruce Jenner has decided to split from the Kardashian women.

Can't believe these two didn't make it! They seemed so loving in their international sex tape!

Can’t believe these two didn’t make it! They seemed so loving in their international sex tape!

Yesterday he and his wife of 22 years, Kris Jenner, jointly announced their separation. Via E! News, of course:

We are living separately and we are much happier this way. But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.

I wonder who will get the plastic surgeon in their divorce?

I wonder who will get the plastic surgeon in the divorce?

Good thing Bruce is such an accomplished athlete. Those running skills he displayed in his gold medal decathlon performance in the 1976 Olympics will come in handy as he flees from the Kardashians.

May he find inspiration from A Flock of Seagulls.

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