If there is ONE reason I want a time machine, it would be to go back to 1991 and invent Internet pornography.
It’s not what you think.
See, I’m a true humanitarian. I could do without Internet pornography myself because I am a very pristine Catholic human being who enjoys looking at rainbows, unicorns, and cute puppies online.
But if Internet pornography has been invented in 1991, then we could still be watching this bitch on our TV screens right now on this beautiful Saturday morning.
Yup, that’s Penny from the amazing and weird children’s show Pee-wee’s Playhouse, which ran on CBS from 1986 to 1990. And yes, I would still be watching it as a 30-something (gorgeous and sexy and single and available) woman if it were on today.
But in July of 1991, Pee-Wee, aka Paul Reubens, got caught jerking off in a adult movie theater in Sarasota, Florida. He was subsequently arrested.
The sh– hit the fan, along with other bodily substances. While production of Pee-Wee’s Playhouse had already concluded the previous year, CBS was still airing reruns at the time of Reubens’ arrest, which they immediately pulled from the schedule. Pee-wee became a pariah and a joke. His career was effectively ruined.
To put this in perspective, Jeffrey Dahmer had been caught with a bunch of body parts in his apartment days earlier. But this was way more pearl-clutching.
So if there had been Internet porn back in 1991, Paul Reubens could have looked at naked people doing sexual things in the privacy of his own home. What a missed opportunity for time-traveler enthusiasts and inventors. They could have saved Pee-wee’s career!
Even Jambi couldn’t fix the problem!
Granted, Reubens was arrested again in 2002 for his extensive collection of erotica but charges were later dropped, so who knows, Internet pornography may have simply enabled him.
Let’s just watch Penny make toast instead.