Shaun, in addition to being a gold medalist snowboarder, has now entered the gold medal hall of assholery when he got arrested for vandalism and public intoxication in Nashville this past weekend after pulling a fire alarm, breaking a phone, and attacking a guest at the Loews Vanderbilt Hotel. Stars, they’re just like us!
Another bummer for him: his mugshot will NOT be entered in the Arresting Photo Hall of Fame alongside Paris Hilton and my beloved Lindsay Lohan.
Okay, one thing that is absolutely shocking in life, besides Khloe Kardashian’s career, is that I have NEVER written about Lindsay Lohan and her island of misfit family in The DVR Files. I hold true to the theory that you shouldn’t kick a dog that’s already down–unless their name is LeAnn Rimes–but the Lohan clan is just too rich to ignore.
How the mighty have fallen . . . .
There is honestly SO much to say, but Mama has to get to work so let’s just touch base on Lindsay’s latest escapade, which came to us in the form of a tweet. How 21st century.
So as we all know, Lindsay once showed a ton of promise, was in a bunch of movies, dated Aaron Carter, got in a feud with Hilary Duff over Aaron Carter, starred in Mean Girls, and then became a public nuisance with her movies (Just My Luck, anyone?) AND her driving while impaired, stealing, etc. In the olden days, these stars would be banished to Branson, Missouri where maybe they would do a play and eat bon bons, what do I know. But our girl Lindsay will NOT go away!
Jesus F—ing Chris Lindsay. It’s not a competition. You BOTH broke the law. It’s not like the LAPD have a quota on former washed up child stars that they need to arrest every week. “That’s why we acquitted Robert Blake of murdering his wife in 2001,” said no police captain ever. “I really liked him in The Little Rascals in the 1940s. And now Lindsay has to serve as my sacrificial lamb!”
I am not defending Amanda Bynes at all-she should be punished!–but her case hasn’t even gone to court yet, Sherlock Lohan. Sheesh.
Someone please take away Lindsay’s Iphone–you know she can’t afford the bill anyway. The next time I want to see her is in Liz & Dick on Lifetime!
One of the things I love most about you, my loyal readers, is that y’all are pop culture whores, just like me! It is SUCH a relief that there are other people in the world who care about Ryan Reynolds’ cradle robbing, who rules as the reigning Queen of Famewhoredom, and of course, Jon Hamm’s peen.
If I show you puppies, will you get your mind out of the gutter, pervs?
You also REALLY want to know whatever became of cute actress Gennie James, who was THE kid back in the day. But who was her “My Buddy” to her “Kid Sister”?
Well . . . the answer is obvious. Barret Oliver.
Such sensitive eyes, no wonder I had a crush on him when I was 5!
Barret was the man-child actor of the mid-1980s. He had minor parts in a variety of tv shows including Knight Rider before striking it big as Bastian in everyone’s favorite movie with furry magical animals The NeverEnding Story.
Let’s be f—ing honest though, it’s Atreyu we were prepubescently lusting after.
Our childhood crush on Barret lasted through D.A.R.Y.L, Cocoon (I am crying as I think of the old man trying to revive his wife!!!), and of course The Secret Garden with his female counterpart Gennie James.
Then . . . nothing.
According to his wikipedia page, Barret gave up acting in 1989 and now is a Scientologist who works as a photographer. Half of that is cool! He even published a book in 2007 called “A History of the Woodburytype.” Sounds interesting, eh? In the about the author section, it says:
BARRET OLIVER lives in Los Angeles where he works as a photographer and printer and is known for his use of nineteenth century processes. His print work has been featured in gallery and museum exhibitions, publications and motion pictures.
Why is there no mention of being a life-changing acting icon??? You can’t erase history!
Damn, if only The NeverEnding Story was really never ending!!! Then we could watch a young Barret Oliver forever and ever and ever.
A.C. Slater is getting married, and it’s NOT to Jessie Spano.
I bet they share Aqua Net products.
Nope, Mario Lopez is marrying longtime girlfriend Courtney Mazza, the mother of his super cute two-year-old daughter Gia. It’s not TOTALLY new news–they’ve been engaged since January–but I’ve been in such denial because I really thought it was going to be me.
And then my beloved people.com reminded me that the day was MUCH closer than I thought by posting a picture from Mario’s bachelor party in Vegas this past weekend, which really looks like a picture of the Jersey Shore cast in twenty years.
If there is ever a shortage of hair gel in the world, go to their houses!
Courtney surprised Mario and pals at Tao when she performed in a slutty outfit with the Pussycat Dolls. Considering Slater famously cheated on first wife Ali Landy who annulled their marriage after just two weeks of wedded bliss, Courtney is WAY smart to keep him on a leash.
Maybe I’m not so sorry he’s getting married after all! I’ll just be jealous if Zack Morris shows up at the wedding! He’s hot!
As a Patriots fan who doesn’t really understand football-hey, at least I can admit it!–I was just a BIT disappointed in today’s loss to the Arizona Cardinals, which I had to watch stop-motion style on my computer since New York is too selfish to play it on TV. They instead had to play the GIANTS because they are a NEW YORK team. Boo f—ing hoo.
The Giants end up beating the Tamba Bay Buccaneers by seven points in what I will (begrudgingly) admit was a great 4th quarter, 41-34. Still not a fan though!
Which leaves me SUPER conflicted because my father John Simons looks EXACTLY like Giants coach Tom Coughlin, exactly way more handsome.
Separated at birth?
You decide!
My father also bears a striking resemblance to Waldo and Steve Forbes’ baby, if they could ever mate.
Oates is my brother’s idol is more ways than one. Style icon? Duh. But my brother also dreams about writing a catchy tune such as “Kiss on My List.”
Andrew can only try and emulate the stache that has launched a thousand ships.
I am SO proud of my brother. His abilities are not “Out of Touch” with what is hot these days! I hope that soon we will be able to see him on MTV, or VH1, or heck event BET because my family is a very liberal, open-minded family.
Andrew will be performing at coffeehouses and cafes up and down the East Coast October 5-16, so check out his gigs here.
Can’t wait till then? Like him on Facebook or check out one of his soon to be hit songs below!
Sooooo . . . it’s Friday which means it’s the WEEKEND which means that you should drink a lot and if you’re lucky knock boots with someone cute. But please, always be prepared, just like my bitches Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose!
The other day I was leaving my apartment to go to work and I thought to myself, you know what would be really fun? Wearing my cardigan backwards! Sure, it would be hard to button up, but it would look so COOL!
Even the models are doing it!
And then I started thinking, where did I EVER get the idea to wear my clothes backwards? Were there two adolescent boys in the early 1990s that used to rap and wear their baseball jerseys backwards whose image burned into my retinas so deeply that twenty years later I want to make such a bold fashion choice? I Kriss Krossed my memory for five minutes and then I’m all, BINGO!
This makes me want to jump, jump!
What the hell ever happened to Chris “Mac Daddy” Kelly and Chris “Daddy Mac” Smith anyway? Are they hanging out at the mall advising shoppers to make innovative sartorial decisions?
Well, shockingly, the boyz are still in music, according to Kyle Donley. Kelly runs his own label and Smith is still making music. Woohoo!
But ley’s be honest, will they ever be able to warm it up like they used to???
Which child of the 1980s did not dream about their mom ordering them Sweet Pickles because she loved them enough to be smart? I was so jealous because the only Sweet Pickles book I got was a copy of Goose Goofs Off from Annie’s Book Stop in North Andover!
Hits close to home!
My mom did order me the Fraggle Rock book series with a special tote, so I guess I shouldn’t be TOO bitter 25 years later. But at the same time, can you blame me for coveting a ride on the Sweet Pickles bus?
S
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