The DVR Files

I mean, not because I want to WATCH it, but because they won’t even have to rename it. Ah, the economy of words!

Such a natural beauty.

Of course I am talking about the upcoming television event of the year which will mark Lindsay Lohan’s return to brilliance, Liz & Dick, premiering in November on the high end network Lifetime. You can watch the trailer here.

It’s so funny because just the other day I was thinking to myself, we really haven’t seen Lindsay Lohan ANYWHERE is a while–except in mug shots, surveillance videos, and on TMZ–so this will be a welcome change.

Wow, guess who is a real life “Criminal?”

It is just NOT a good week for celebrities! Lindsay Lohan hits someone, Blair Warner gets divorced, and now Fiona Apple has been arrested for possession of hash! What, is this 1972?

NOT entering the mug shot hall of fame.

I mean really! Were they out of crank? Helen Hunt would like to know!

I totally don’t like to brag about my life outside of this groundbreaking blog. I am a really modest person, after all. Modest AND beautiful AND talented, but I usually keep those last two to myself because they are so obvious to everyone who meets me.

Another talented person that I adore is Louis C.K., who stars on what I consider the best show currently on television, Louie.

Who doesn’t want to sleep with a ginger?

And um . . . Louie and I have performed on the same stage at different times. Sort of.

For anyone who’s been following this season of Louie, the last few episodes have dealt with the character Louie C.K. being chosen to replace David Letterman as host of the Late Show upon his retirement. Don’t worry–I won’t give you any spoilers from last night’s ep because I haven’t watched it yet! But I DID watch last week’s, and besides costarring frigging David Lynch, it was amazing for another reason. See, Louie is kind of a schlub, albeit a LOVABLE one, and he needs to get in shape. So the David Lynch character, who is supposed to be some super higher up executive, sends him to Gleason’s Gym!

Why this is so super cool is that I have produced and performed in two comedy shows at Gleason’s, which is an old school boxing gym in Brooklyn. Almost exactly a year ago my two comedian buds Selena Coppock and Sue Funke (both VERY funny ladies) and I produced a show called “Brooklyn vs Queens: A Comedy Throwdown” where we pitted comics from the two outer boroughs against each other. We did the gays vs the gays, the blondes vs the blondes, the Massholes vs the Massholes, and more! Everyone was a winner!

Looking very glamorous, as usual.

So when I watched last week’s episode of Louie, I was all, oh Louie, we’re like two peas in a pod. Sort of!

I can’t wait to see which other famous star will be copying me soon. Hehe.

Last night every fan of the 1980s was sitting in front of their tv eagerly awaiting the return of legendary rich bitch Blair Warner. It had been almost 25 years since we saw last saw Blair purchase Eastland Academy and turn it into a co-ed school. I’ve been DYING to know what happened to her ever since!

Emulating Donald Trump. Blair really WAS ahead of her time!

Blair, or really we should say Lisa Whelchel, as she is the actress who played her, is back and better than ever. Last night she debuted on Survivor: Philippines! And don’t worry, I won’t give you any spoiler alerts because, uh, I haven’t watched it yet! Remember, I’m The DVR Files! Gotta watch everything on a delay anyway!

Let’s be honest though . . . we all thought it would be Jo that would be a better candidate for the show . . . .

So sporty!

And men who love feathered hair . . . good news! Lisa Whelchel is back on the market!

It takes one to know one, as they say.

Paris Hilton has continued her assault on the American public by supplying us with her opinion on gay dudes and AIDs.

That’s right, keep that mouth open.

She opines:

Ewww! Eww. To get f—–? Gay guys are the horniest people in the world…. I would be so scared if I were a gay guy. You’ll like, die of AIDS

Granted, this conversation was taped by a cab driver while she was talking to her friend in the back seat, so it may have been attained in a slightly sneaky manner. But we really can’t discount it because Paris KNOWS slutty behavior. After all, home girl starred in the Academy-Award-winning 1 Night in Paris, costarring Shannon Doherty’s ex-husband Rick Salomon PLUS she keeps a stock of Valtrex with her at all times.

Paris Hilton, always keeping it classy!

Don’t you just love stars? When they get tired of life, they check into rehab for exhaustion and coping mechanisms. When they get bored with sleeping with Jennifer Aniston, they jump ship to Angelina Jolie. And when they have a baby and need to lose the weight, they become a Weight Watcher spokesperson!  Stars, they’re just like us!

These must be the famous Double Ds that Joe Simpson loves so much–except now they’re like Triple Fs–and NO you can’t cover those suckers up!

I of course I’m referring to one-time virgin/sexual napalm Jessica Simpson, who recently gave birth to a cute baby girl Maxwell Drew with fiance Eric Johnson. Mazel tov! And now, four months later, it’s time to focus and GET SKINNY, STAT! And look, Jessica Simpson is doing JUST THAT, just like a normal person. Stars, they’re just like us!

EXCEPT that they’re not. On people.com today, Jessica’s trainer tells us how she’s getting in shape. Um . . . she hired a trainer, that’s how she did it. She has a multi-million dollar endorsement hanging over her head, that’s how she did it. Sheesh, that wasn’t hard to figure out was it.

I’ve never been pregnant though I HAVE been a Weight Watcher for the past eleven years. I can only imagine the pressure and difficulty it can be in losing the weight. At the same time, who the hell cares? You got a beautiful baby! Be happy and love your baby-making body! Okay/end feminist rant.

Wow, just wow. I am speechless for the first time ever in my life. I hope you are sitting down as I deliver this news. LINDSAY LOHAN WAS ARRESTED.

Do you need me to get you smelling salts?

Can she top this mugshot? This is my favorite of hers, and trust me there are MANY to choose from!

Basically, Lindsay was arrested for hitting a guy with her Porshe in the “early morning” today. What is she, a farmer? I love how they say early morning like she was up doing something productive. Nope, home girl was going TO the Dream Downtown in New York City, which is a hotel with a popular nightclub.

Between her and Shaun White, this is NOT a good week for gingers!

Cannot WAIT for her next tweet: “Disney doesn’t have my back. I hate u Amanda Bynes.” Wouldn’t that be rich. A girl can dream!

Oh Sweet Jesus. I. Cannot. Breathe.

Why, you ask. Did Kids Incorporated announce a reunion show? Did LeAnn Rimes abandon Twitter and join a convent for reformed fame whores? Did Ryan Reynolds divorce Blake Lively and marry a woman over age 35? Nope! Even better!

Jon Hamm and Larry David are filming a movie in North Andover, my hometown!

Did you hear a thud, because I just fainted!

Looks like Jon Hamm is wearing underpants this time. Bummer!

Yes, it’s true! They’re filming an HBO movie called Clear History which also features Michael Keaton, Eva Mendes, and Kate Hudson. My brave intrepid mother even visited the set the other day after stopping by a friend’s house who lives across the street from the mansion where they are filming. She met Larry and said he was very nice! Not a bald asshole at ALL.

This is the most exciting thing to happen to North Andover since they announced there would be a Restaurant Week at such esteemed locations like Captain Pizza, Fuddruckers, and Boston Chowda!

Well, man, they’ve done it again! Who, you ask? Britney Spears? Well, YES she is continuing to ask like a hot medicated mess on The X Factor, but this time I’m talking about my best buds Paul W. Downs and and Lucia Aniello, also know as Paulilu!

Not to name drop, but I am actual FRIENDS with these people. Did you hear me? Paul and Lucia are my FRIENDS!!!

Last month, Paulilu explored the mystery of Olivia Munn’s vanishing boobs in their video Ghosts Tits, and this week they’ve followed up with another BRILLIANT video starring none other than “Queen of the Indies” Parker Posey. In this sketch, Parker, who recently played a crazy bitch on Louie, portrays Ja’n, who teaches a master class on Emmy acceptance speeches with the method “Just Act, Naturally” to many relevant and likely Emmy winners including waiters, busboys, and poor students.

I hope Max Greenfield took this class, as I predicted him to win the Emmy for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series!

I’m so happy for Paul and Lucia. This video has deservedly gotten a ton of attention including on people.com and now the very influential blog The DVR Files! I can’t wait to see what they come up with next!

Everyone is always all, Live without regrets! But to be honest there are a few things in my life that I wish I never did:

1. See the movie Blame it on the Bellboy.
2. Attend a ZZ Top concert with my dad where there were sexy dancers onstage.
3. Eat 18 of my Nana’s little tuna appetizers at Easter the year I was 8, because I threw them up. What a waste!

Even Balki Bartokomous couldn’t save this movie! Where’s Counsin Larry???

At any rate, pretty much my only other regret is so embarrassing to admit that I am going into hiding so you don’t burn me at the stake. See, back in 1986 I saw this awesome commercial starring some really adorable snack foods–California raisins if you can believe it–and they sang this SUPER fantastic song called, get this, “I Heard it From the Grapevine.” Because they were raisins who were once grapes! Hahahahahaha!

It was just a couple years later when I was listening to Oldies 103.3 FM in my dad’s car when the very same song came on the radio! “Dad!” I cried. “I can’t believe the California Raisins got a record contract. How cool, since they’re just snacks and not people!” Dad was all, “Uh, no, Liz. This is Marvin Gaye. The California Raisins just covered it.” Then he told me there was no Santa Claus.

Wow, I can’t believe I just told you my deepest darkest secret. I guess I was afraid you’d hear it through the grapevine and I wanted to tell you first. Zing!