The Only Ocean that Matters is Billy

Posted on February 21, 2017 by thedvrfiles

I’m a fan of geography. I can name the seven continents, I can point to Brazil on a map, and I can tell you the six oceans on planet Earth:

The Pacific, the Atlantic, the Indian, the Arctic, the Southern, and Billy.

billy-ocean

Smallest Ocean in size, biggest in influence.

For you young people reading, you might be scratching your head and saying to yourself, where’s Frank? Well, besides not being at the Grammys last week, Frank barely qualifies as a puddle next to the genius that is Billy Ocean, even though we know Frank can be quite salty.

Billy was a huge star in the 1980s and sang one of my favorite songs ever, “Caribbean Queen (No More Love on the Run)” which was released in 1984. These were the days before everyone had cable, so I had to wait for my bimonthly visits to my grandparents’ house in Cranston, Rhode Island where I’d go down to the basement and shout, “I’m watching The Electric Company!” and then turn on MTV and cross my fingers and pray that the greatest video of all time would come on. I was about 1 for 3. You win some, you lose some.

Billy Ocean, now 67, continues to make music and perform around the world. He’s launching a UK tour this spring and of course I’m jealous because I’d have to cross the ocean to see THE Ocean and that might not be too practical. But hey, if there are any rich people out there who want to buy me a ticket I would be willing to getta out my dreams and get into a plane.

billy-ocean-today

Still cooler than I will ever be.

And because I know you want it, here’s the video that made me want to be royalty on the Caribbean.

 

 

 

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Wait??? Now we have to look HOT at 63?

Posted on February 20, 2017 by thedvrfiles

Oh, what a victory for feminism! Christie Brinkley, 63, posed in the 2017 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, alongside her daughters Alexa Ray, 31, and Sailor, 18, proving a woman is still valuable in her AARP years as long as she looks hot in a bikini.

christie-and-daughters

Christie explained on why she chose to pose:

“In a country that’s very ageist, people love to put you in little boxes,” she says. “Women feel very limited by their numbers. On a personal level, I thought, if I can pull this off, I think it will help redefine those numbers and remove some of the fear of aging.”

Jesus F—ing Christ, Christie. You think a picture of you looking like this at age 63 is going to make my 30-something ass look forward to collecting Social Security?

christie-alone

The answer is, Hell no!

Look, I’m confident in my body. I work out, I eat well(ish), I cut down on my booze drinking, I’m a Lifetime member at Weight Watchers. I do okay even though I barely fill out a 34A bra and the jeans I bought three years ago are tight.

And then I see these pics of Christie and all I can think is, now I have to look like a 25-year-old when I’m 63? I didn’t even come close to looking like this when I was 25! Aren’t our 60s the years where we can relax a little and not care so much about what we look like?

I’m jealous of men. They get to look their age and STILL be sex symbols!

patrick-stewart

I’m talking to you, Patrick Stewart, age 76. You’re a fox at 76 and you get to look 76! What a concept!

That’s why I love women like Meryl Steep (67), Helen Mirren (71), and Judi Dench (82). They are beautiful AND they look their age. I imagine they’ve gotten a few minor nip and tucks and injections along the way (don’t sue me for libel anyone, I’m just IMAGINING it!) but they still aren’t trying to be the women they were 40+ years ago. And that’s because the women they are NOW are awesome!

The 79th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

What a Dame!

Look, good on Christie Brinkley for having great genes, great surgeons, and a great body. But don’t for the love of God tell me you posed in Sports Illustrated because you want to combat ageism. You are actually contributing to ageism! Tell the truth and announce it from the mountains, I look hot as hell and I want everyone to know!

 

 

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It’s Snowing. Don’t Do This Today.

Posted on February 9, 2017 by thedvrfiles

Snow as a kid was fun. You could have snow ball fights! You could go sledding! If eating snow was your thing, the whole outside world became your very own personal Snoopy Sno-cone Machine, minus the red shit flavoring. Snow was the greatest!

snoopy

Oh hell yeah.

As an adult this is how I feel about snow: meh. If it happens on the weekend it’s actually nice because it gives my lazy ass an excuse to lie on the couch and catch up on my DVR which is currently 95% full. But if it happens during the week, I gotta drag that same lazy ass to work. When you average the two of those feelings, you get meh.

I know some of you adults still like the snow because you do things like ski or maybe you’re teachers and you get snow days. I’d like it then too! Well, not the skiing part because I hate being cold but I’d hang out in the lodge and drink spiked hot cocoa. But let me warn you, while snow is good for MANY things, it’s NOT a good time to stick your tongue to a frozen pole. Even if someone triple dog dares you. You need evidence? Watch the clip from the classic A Christmas Story below.

Oh poor Flick! His tongue got stuck to the pole! It’s actually quite fitting in hindsight because the actor who played Flick, Scott Schwartz, worked with poles many times as he went onto star in several adult movies. And by adult movies I don’t mean the kind where they talk about taxes and buying houses and taking out second mortgages. I mean dirty sex movies like The Wrong Snatch, Cafe Flesh 2, and Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure.

scottporn

What a hunk!

So have fun today, but don’t stick your tongue on a pole!

 

 

 

 

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Pure Luxury in a Mint: The After Eight Story

Posted on February 1, 2017 by thedvrfiles

The great songwriter Countess Luann de Lesseps once proclaimed “Money can’t buy you class.” But what she failed to mention is that money CAN you buy you After Eight Mint Chocolate Thins which is practically the same thing because they are the classiest mint of all.

aftereight

Pure sophistication in a paper wrapper.

All you need is like $4.29 and two feet that can take you to the supermarket and then you will be the most glamorous person who has ever walked the face of planet Earth. Need evidence?

What a lady! I bet Luann would want to be friends with her!

And because I know you want it, here’s the video for the not at all Auto-Tuned hit song “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” Go get yourself an After Eight Luann!

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Sarah Jessica Parker’s Best Role is NOT on HBO

Posted on January 31, 2017 by thedvrfiles

Some things are obvious: Cats are sneaky, Marshmallow Peeps are proof that God exists, and Jordan Knight was the hottest New Kid on the Block.

jordanknight

Duh.

Sometimes, things are so obvious that people deny they are true. You know what I’m talking about. The contrarians who insist that Brad Pitt is not hot, that they can’t name every single Kardashian/Jenner by birth order, that they’ve never heard of the movie The Princess Bride.

inconceivable

Inconceivable!

And then there are far worse situations when people talk about Sarah Jessica Parker.

Person A: “OMG I know it’s been over ten years since Sex and the City ended but I am SUCH a Carrie!!!”

Person B: “Is that something to brag about? I’d rather be Charlotte. She’s rich!”

Person A: “Yeah well Sarah Jessica Parker played shallow really well. I’m shallow, I guess. I love expensive shoes I can’t afford, what can I say.”

Person B: “Have you seen her in Divorce? She cheated on Thomas Haden Church, the guy from Wings, just like she cheated on Aidan. What a jerk!”

Person A: “Total jerk! But I saw her once on the subway and she was really nice and normal. So she’s just a really great actress.”

I agree with ALL of this. Sarah Jessica was dumb for cheating on Aidan. The verdict’s still out on Thomas Haden Church as I’m only half way through Divorce and he’s kind of an asshole. I can even vouch that SJP is a nice person because I once saw her in a bathroom at a charity function (no, I wasn’t the help. My friend invited me!).

But what really upsets me about this conversation is that no one mentions Sarah Jessica Parker’s greatest role . . . NASA intern Carolyn McAdams in the 1986 masterpiece Flight of the Navigator!

carolynmcadams

True ’80s beauty. Who says scientists can’t have purple hair!

I saw this gem in the theater back in the day and loved it. It involved time travel and aliens and a cute boy named David. Do I remember much about this movie? Nope! But what I do remember is that Carolyn McAdams went to a Twisted Sister concert.

 

Flight of the Navigator is due for a rewatch. Fortunately I taped it with my parents’ VCR in 1989 so next time I’m home I’ll whip out ye olde VHS! Good times!

The actor who played David, Joey Cramer, unfortunately did not fare as well as Sarah Jessica Parker. I conducted some heavy research (ie, went to his wikipedia page) and discovered that Cramer has been fighting the Canadian law for the last decade or so. Guns, drugs, public boozing, and bank robbery. Eek! Hopefully he’ll turn out okay because I had such a crush on him in 1986.

david-freeman

So cute!

Let’s hope that Sarah Jessica Parker and Joey Cramer can reunite some day and create even more movie magic!

 

 

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I Love Katie Couric!

Posted on January 30, 2017 by thedvrfiles

Today I learned that Katie Couric is my cheap ass spirit animal. Home girl loves dollar pizza too!

katie-couric

New York City, where Katie and I both live, is known to be super duper expensive. Katie, owns a condo in Manhattan worth over $12 million. My apartment in Queens costs considerably less, but I do have to pay $11.99 a lb for regular old oven roasted turkey from the deli! And this is at the cheap neighborhood grocery store, not Whole Foods! Paying this much for turkey is almost the exact same thing as owning a really pricey home!

The one cheap thing you can get in NYC, however, is a slice at the dollar pizza place. $1 for a slice of cheese or $2.50 for two slices and a soda. Toppings cost $.50 extra. Soda is $1 a la carte. I love that Katie is so cheap that she only bought one plain slice and she didn’t even get a soda! In fact, I think she is even cheaper than I thought! See how there is an extra slice at the table? I think that slice belongs to the photographer taking Katie’s pic. And I bet he’s holding a soda! So those two tag-teamed and bought the two slices and a soda special to save an extra $.50! I love Katie Couric!

Now I want cheap pizza!

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Larry David Leggings, and Other Things You Can Buy Me

Posted on January 30, 2017 by thedvrfiles

I get good cable, I own five of the seven Harry Potter books (Sorcerer’s Stone and Order of the Phoenix are at my parents’ house in Massachusetts), and I finally learned how to use the automatic timer thingy on my Mr. Coffee coffee maker. In other words, I’m a catch! Yet I’m single. Whatever!

Kelly-Osbourne.jpg

Some thing just don’t make sense, like me being single and Kelly Osbourne’s career.

One of the great things about remaining single is I’ve really had the opportunity to fine-tune my wedding registry. And forget Williams Sonoma or Crate & Barrel, I’m registering right here on the DVR Files! Please note-if I’m not married by the time I’m 40, you are welcome to give these to me as birthday gifts. I’m thoughtful like that!

  1. Larry David Leggingslarry_leggz_1024x1024

I think these are more than pretty, pretty, pretty good. I’d say they are awesome. Who doesn’t want to wear gray leggings with a bald asshole on them? Please don’t get me any bagels though. I’m limiting my carbs since I want to fit in a size medium pair.

2) Twin Peaks Collectible Cards

twinpeaks

I watched Twin Peaks way back in the day when it actually aired. I was a hip sixth grader, what can I say. I’d watch it while I was babysitting (okay, maybe not so hip) from 10-11p on Saturday nights and I’d be so freaked out that I’d turn on the 11p news where updates on the original Gulf War would calm me down. Yup, war scared me less than Twin Peaks. After the show ended in 1991, I purchased a copy of the Special Agent Dale Cooper bio and in the back they advertised the Twin Peaks trading cards and I wanted to get them SO bad but I didn’t know how to get a money order to buy them. Bummer! But now you can find them on Ebay so please buy them for me. Thanks.

3) Golden Girls Warhol poster

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Duh.

4) Stay Golden Girls Granny Panties

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Double duh.

5) A trip to the World of Make-Believe

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I just finished watching Westworld so I know visiting virtual lands is totally possible if you’ve got the cash. Thus, you might want to pool up your money with my other friends to purchase a trip to the World of Make-Believe for me. It’s not going to be cheap to get me a seat on Mister Rogers’ trolley! Just keep me away from Lady Elaine Fairchilde. That wench always scared me!

Hopefully this has given you enough ideas for presents for me when I get married or turn 40. Feel free to reach out for more suggestions! I’ll happy to tell you things I want you to buy for me!

What are some things YOU want? Answer in the comments below!

 

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Old Dads are the New Black!

Posted on January 24, 2017 by thedvrfiles

OMG I have SUCH good news to share! Mel Gibson, 61, recently became a father for the ninth time when his girlfriend, Rosalind Ross, 26, gave birth to their son Lars Gerard on Friday, January 20. I would say Mazel tov but we know how Mel feels about the Jews.

74th Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Mel is probably jealous that only Lars will get to enjoy those sugar tits.

 

It’s truly so inspiring when men in their 50s, 60s, 70s and beyond get to become dads! Men can do anything! While single, sad, desperate women in their 30s and 40s watch romantic comedies, eat Haagen-Dazs, pet their cats, visit sperm banks, and consider freezing their eggs for $10,000 and up, men can purchase a Cialis pill for $41.12 a pop – and soon it will be even cheaper when the generic version comes out later this year! Yahoo for men!

I cried tears of joy just over a month ago when our good friend Mick Jagger, 73 had kid # 8 with his 29-year-old ballerina piece, Melanie Hamrick.

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I bet Melanie got satisfaction (once Mick popped a Viagra).

 

And then last week Dr. Ian Malcolm  Jeff Goldblum, 64, announced that he was expecting a second child with his wife Emilie Livingston, 33.

Meanwhile in New York City a 38-year-old man swiped left on a gorgeous 35-year-old woman. “She probably wants kids like, tomorrow, before her eggs rot. Yuck!”

jeff-goldblum

Contrary to what it looks like, this is not a proud father at his daughter’s grad school graduation. It’s Jeff and his wife!

 

Other recent additions in the “Ye Olde Dad” club include:

  • Kelsey Grammer, 61 when his son Auden James Ellis was born in November 2016. This was his third child with wife Kayte, 36, and seventh child overall.
  • Alec Baldwin, 58 when his son Leonardo Angel Charles was born in September 2016. This was his third child with wife Hilaria, then 32, and fourth child overall.
  • Billy Joel, 66 when his daughter Della Rose was born in August 2015. This was his first child with wife Alexis, then 33, and second child overall.
della-reese

I honestly don’t understand why he didn’t name his daughter Della Reese. She would have been touched by an angel!

It’s so wonderful we’ve overcome so much ageism! Men old enough to be grandfathers and in some cases great-grandfathers (I’m talking to you, Anthony Quinn!) deserve to be fathers just like anyone else!

Oh, and did you hear about Janet Jackson? She just had her first kid at age 50. Ewww!

 

 

 

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Never Forget: Tom Brady and Tara Reid Were Once a Couple

Posted on January 23, 2017 by thedvrfiles

I’ve talked about this before but as the New England Patriots head to a record seventh Super Bowl under coach Bill Belichick, it is VERY important that we remember the most monumental thing about quarterback Tom Brady.

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That he’s good at sports? That he may beat his tied record with Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw as having the most Super Bowl rings? That he’s never eaten a strawberry?

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Who wore it better, Tom or Ben Affleck’s nanny?

Hell no! None of those things matter. None of them! Because the best thing Tommy boy has ever done is so mythological that I can’t even find it in the Boston Herald archives where I first read about back in 2002. Google is no use here – you instead are going to have to rely on Encyclopedia Liz (ie my brain that remembers every pop culture moment from 1983-2002).

TOM BRADY ONCE DATED TARA REID!

It’s so forgotten that you can’t even find any images of them together and I searched three whole pages in google image search! And people say journalism is dying? Pshaw. I dig deep!

I did, however, find this pic of Tara Reid and Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst which seems to make more sense.

tarareidfreddurst

I bet he worked hard for that nookie.

Tara at least acknowledged the greatest relationship of all time during an interview in 2014.

Fifteen years later and I’m STILL upset Tara and Tom broke up. He would have been great in Sharknado!

 

 

 

 

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The Golden Girls Trump Trump

Posted on January 20, 2017 by thedvrfiles

So today is sort of an annoying day in history. We have a new President who gets in more Twitter fights than LeAnn Rimes. Who allegedly appointed a noted anti-vaxxer to head up a “vaccine safety” commission. (I have an idea! Let’s make smallpox great again!)  I usually stay away from politics in the esteemed blog The DVR Files, but how can I stay silent when we are about to inaugurate a man who hired Bill over Kwame in the first season of The Apprentice? Too soon?

kwame-fired

Thirteen years later and it still hurts.

So in lieu of dwelling in the negative swamp of emotions, let’s celebrate the greatest thing in the world. No, not that Brad Pitt is single again (though that is pretty great too, look how much he has cleaned up since he broke up with Angelina!).

Stars attend the 74th Annual Golden Globe Awards in Beverly Hills

Would.

No, the real greatest thing in the world is that there is a Golden Girls themed cafe opening up in New York City called, wait for it, Rue La Rue Cafe!

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My favorite gals!

While there is no opening day set yet, you can follow their Facebook page for updates. It looks like it will be opening up soon and you bet this girl will be there on opening day wearing my best shoulder pads. (The restaurant is located in the Washington Heights section of Manhattan, at 4394 Broadway between 187 and 189th Streets, accessible by the A and 1 trains.)

Since I know many of you are whimpering at your desks, let’s forget all of that for a minute and I’ll showcase some of my favorite Golden Girls clips. We can make America great again by laughing . . . and soon by eating cheesecake at Rue La Rue Cafe!

1)

One of my all time favorite episodes is when the girls were contestants on the fictional game show Grab That Dough. The host asked the ladies to complete the phrase “Better late than—” and Blanche quickly buzzed in. “Pregnant!” The audience howled. My eight year old ass laughed too but I didn’t get it. Years later I watched a rerun and all of a sudden I understood! SO TRUE Blanche! I can’t believe you didn’t get credit for that answer!

2)

The Golden Girls is responsible for my pre-adolescent sexual education. In this classic episode, the ladies took ownership of their sexual health and bought condoms as they headed out on a romantic cruise. But first the cashier had to do a price check! Uh oh!

3)

Even no nonsense Dorothy could be impressed by those with lofty credentials, and novelist Barbara Thorndyke played right into Dorothy’s insecurities. But one thing Dorothy could not accept was prejudice!

4)

And of course, the girls were all about marriage equality before it was a trending topic on Twitter! Sure, Blanche had a tough time at first accepting that her brother Clayton was going to marry his partner Doug. But she came around!

So there we have it! Smile, because we have The Golden Girls and soon Rue La Rue Cafe!

Thank you for being a friend and reading!

 

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