Okay, the Pats are playing the Jets AS WE SPEAK. And by we I mean I, but whatevs.

Earlier today I compared the coaches of the two teams, Bill Belichick and Rex Ryan. Now I am going to analyze the quarterbacks. Let’s go!

Quarterbacks

Tom Brady versus Mark Sanchez/Tim Tebow

Gisele finally let him cut his hair.

Deep thoughts.

Looking very grizzly for a virgin.

As you have come to expect from me, we are NOT going to talk about their performance on the playing field, but rather their performance on the dating field!

Tom first entered out consciousness in 2002 when he led the Pats to capture their first Super Bowl victory ever. And as a handsome young man, he decided to date a really low budget Hollywood star. Tara Reid.

The Lindsay Lohan of her time

Tom and Tara broke up, and then he dated Bridget Moynahan  from 2004-2006, famously breaking up with her right around the time she announced she was preggers. My grandmother was super upset about this- “I thought he was supposed to be a nice Catholic boy.” So was JFK, Nana. So was JFK. Tom then went on to marry supermodel Gisele Bundchen, she bore him a son and she is currently pregnant with their second kid. Dad of the year!

Well, the Jets don’t have to worry about Tim Tebow knocking any girl up out of wedlock because he is a VIRGIN. God, what a waste. He’s been rumored to have dated professional bore Taylor Swift who probably now gets more action from her high school boyfriend Conor Kennedy. And other famous purist Lolo Jones say she’d take Tebow to church. So much fun!

Luckily, Mark Sanchez is picking up the slack for Tebow. Since 2009 he has been linked to model Hilary Rhoda, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue cover girl Kate Upton, and his current girlfriend Eva Longoria.

I’m sure she has a BIG personality!

I have to give Sanchez extra points for dating an older woman. Granted, Moynahan was older than Tom but he kind of was a dog to her. It breaks my heart to admit that.

So–I gotta go with Mark Sanchez as the ultimate quarterback at the moment. As much as I love Tom, he uses way too much hair product for me!