I get good cable, I own five of the seven Harry Potter books (Sorcerer’s Stone and Order of the Phoenix are at my parents’ house in Massachusetts), and I finally learned how to use the automatic timer thingy on my Mr. Coffee coffee maker. In other words, I’m a catch! Yet I’m single. Whatever!

Some thing just don’t make sense, like me being single and Kelly Osbourne’s career.

One of the great things about remaining single is I’ve really had the opportunity to fine-tune my wedding registry. And forget Williams Sonoma or Crate & Barrel, I’m registering right here on the DVR Files! Please note-if I’m not married by the time I’m 40, you are welcome to give these to me as birthday gifts. I’m thoughtful like that!

1. Larry David Leggings

I think these are more than pretty, pretty, pretty good. I’d say they are awesome. Who doesn’t want to wear gray leggings with a bald asshole on them? Please don’t get me any bagels though. I’m limiting my carbs since I want to fit in a size medium pair.

2) Twin Peaks Collectible Cards

I watched Twin Peaks way back in the day when it actually aired. I was a hip sixth grader, what can I say. I’d watch it while I was babysitting (okay, maybe not so hip) from 10-11p on Saturday nights and I’d be so freaked out that I’d turn on the 11p news where updates on the original Gulf War would calm me down. Yup, war scared me less than Twin Peaks. After the show ended in 1991, I purchased a copy of the Special Agent Dale Cooper bio and in the back they advertised the Twin Peaks trading cards and I wanted to get them SO bad but I didn’t know how to get a money order to buy them. Bummer! But now you can find them on Ebay so please buy them for me. Thanks.

3) Golden Girls Warhol poster

Duh.

4) Stay Golden Girls Granny Panties

Double duh.

5) A trip to the World of Make-Believe

I just finished watching Westworld so I know visiting virtual lands is totally possible if you’ve got the cash. Thus, you might want to pool up your money with my other friends to purchase a trip to the World of Make-Believe for me. It’s not going to be cheap to get me a seat on Mister Rogers’ trolley! Just keep me away from Lady Elaine Fairchilde. That wench always scared me!

Hopefully this has given you enough ideas for presents for me when I get married or turn 40. Feel free to reach out for more suggestions! I’ll happy to tell you things I want you to buy for me!

What are some things YOU want? Answer in the comments below!