Today’s the first day of school for many people and you know what that means.
HAZING!
Watch out, frosh!
I wonder if it is worse to be paddled by Ben Affleck . . .
Not a brotherly hug.
Or to pretend to fry like bacon?
You decide!
Dazed and Confused truly IS a cautionary tale. So glad I’m not in high school anymore!
Every once in a while you get a gift from God that is SO GREAT that you swear you’ll go to church every Sunday and start donating money to the blind and volunteering at a soup kitchen because you are SO GRATEFUL to be alive!
Preach!
Today is one of those days.
You see, the whiniest crooner in the history of the world–John Mayer–announced that he won’t be singing his old hits during his latest tour because he’s still recovering from two vocal surgeries. What a bummer–not!
Listening to your music makes me want to take a dump too!
John (and his David Duke dick) will not be proclaiming that “Your Body is a Wonderland.” He won’t be using any sexual napalm on “Daughters.” I can assure you I won’t be “Waiting on the World to Change” because this is fabulous news.
Now if he can go off on an island somewhere with Kanye I will become a nun. Got that God?
Your favorite soothsayer is back! Today I will predict who will win the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series.
Do we need to bother? Quick, knock on wood.
I’ve obviously shown my bias. Oops!
At any rate, here are the nominees:
All of these actors are strong, no doubt, though I only watch two of the shows regularly (Breaking Bad and Downton Abbey). I dig Hugh Bonneville as an early 20th century British aristocrat with a heart of gold and, well, you know I feel about Bryan Cranston.
Damian Lewis won the Emmy last year and as my friend and fellow comic J-L Cauvin remarked on his podcast Righteous P***k (listen to the link, I was a guest!):
When Walter White wins this year for best actor at the Emmys which he damn well better-I call him Walter White-when Bryan Cranston wins I want him to get up there and say it’s back where it belongs Damian Lewis.
(Bryan Cranston won three times consecutively, from 2008 to 2010, losing it to Kyle Chandler for sentimental reasons in 2011 and Lewis for piss poor reasons in 2012.)
Awwww, are someone’s feelings hurt?
As for the other nominees, not enough people watched NetFlix’s House of Cards but I imagine Spacey’s performance is off the charts. After all, home boy has won two well-deserved Oscars for his performances in The Usual Suspects and American Beauty. Plus he put Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box.
Still gives me chills!
Jon Hamm’s been nominated a billion times but won’t win till Mad Men is over. And while I liked Jeff Daniels’ performance as Will McAvoy the few times I caught The Newsroom, the show is so unbelievably smug that I just can’t.
Verdict time:
Who I Want to Win: Bryan Cranston
Who Will Win: Bryan Cranston
Disclaimer: I am NOT one of those New York City people to be all anti-Jersey. Please. I live in Queens. Who am I to talk?
Me and this guy.
My sister lived there for five years so I spent a lot of time in the Boken. When someone bitches and moans that a guy they just met lives in, say, Hoboken, or worse yet HARRISON, I am the Garden State’s chief defender. “The PATH is clean,” I declare, “And there are lots of bars in Hoboken. Plus in NJ you don’t have to pay a city tax so that means your man can buy more stuff for you!”
I mean, really, what is the problem?
That said, many New Yorkers have an extreme bias to crossing the great Hudson. I yawn at these elitist snobs. “The only people who go to Hoboken are bros and tourists who want to go to see the Cake Boss,” they whine.
Behind every stereotype there is some truth . . . .
Last night, however, another group of people infiltrated the one square mile city that is the birthplace of Frank Sinatra and Sopranos alum Joe Pantoliano. TEENY BOPPERS.
Sounds about right.
You see, yesterday at 7:32pm Justin Timberlake tweeted, “Join me & @Target tonight for just one song. Let’s ‘Take Back the Night.’ First 150 get in. See you there!”
The former king of ‘N Sync was filming a commercial for Target at the recently shuttered rock club Maxwell’s. Well, what do you know, within MINUTES thousands of people flocked to the site. I just hope this flood of people was more respectful to the home of Albie and Chris Manzo than the revelers on St. Patrick’s Day.
My Irish brethren always keep it classy.
And if they weren’t, well, just cry me a river.
Damn you Orange is the New Black! You introduced yet another sexual fantasy to my repertoire that I will probably never fulfill.
Prison guard/prisoner.
Behave or else I will handcuff you.
I’m only five episodes into the hit Netflix series Orange is the New Black, but the sexual tension building up between Officer John Bennett and inmate Daya Diaz recalls a certain hit by rapper Nelly. Yes, it IS getting hot in herre! While so far I’ve only seen them swap notes and tobacco juice, the foreshadowing leads me to believe that the above gif is indeed fact not fiction. I have eight more episodes to figure out if my prediction is correct!
I’m really jealous of Daya, portrayed by actress Dascha Polanco. Officer Bennett (played by actor Matt McGorry) is super hot but also nice, shy, and patriotic (he references having served in the armed forces). Swoon!
He looks like he goes to church on Sundays.
In real life, pre-Orange Matt had the male equivalent of being too pretty for roles–he was deemed too muscular and was only getting cast as hunky frat boys (another one of my fantasies).
Arrest me anytime.
So he dropped the weight and voila! He’s a big star!
I’m totally going to tweet this to him because with a last name like McGorry, he’s at least half Irish (the other half looks Italian. Bellissimo!) just like I am and he was probably raised Catholic and that would make my mom really happy. Plus I do CrossFit and we can lift weights together. PERFECT.
Everyone’s all up in arms about that twerk Miley Cyrus, STILL. They’re all, she was Hannah Montana! My kids loved her! What a bad example she’s setting!
The golden years, when a teen Miley looked about 45.
You know what I have to say to that?
Boo f—ing hoo. Miley’s grown up. Now YOU grow up, fool!
But since so many people have a hard time saying goodbye to the past, I am going to do something nice for you.
Here are a bunch of super cute child actors who remained super cute adults!
Frederick Koehler, aka Chip from Kate & Allie
Ahhhhh!
Fred starred as Jane Curtain’s adorable son Chip on the beloved CBS sitcom Kate & Allie, which aired from 1984-1989. After the show wrapped, he dabbled in TV and film roles and even took time to attend Carnegie Mellon University. Smart boy! Now 38, Fred retains his baby face despite playing evil Andrew Schillinger in HBO’s prison drama Oz (he lynched a black man and became addicted to heroin and eventually died of an overdose. Sounds pretty evil to me!) as well as ANOTHER prisoner, though not quite as morally corrupt, in the 2008 Jason Statham vehicle Death Race. To me, the only thing Fred is guilty of is being adorable!
I still want to pinch those cheeks!
Valerie Bertinelli
Smile!
Even if you live your life one day at a time, you can’t help but love Val. She’s been a big star since 1975, when she first became Barbara Cooper Royer on, ahem, One Day at a Time. She tried to shed her innocent image by marrying Eddie Van Halen (they divorced in 2007) and starring in a string of TV movies such as I Was a Mail Order Bride, The Seduction of Gina, and Two Mothers for Zachary.
HOW have I not seen this movie???
The world was truly touched by an angel when Valerie returned to her good girl routes in 1997, when she took the role of Gloria on, ahem, Touched by an Angel. Currently she’s “hot in Cleveland” but still cute!
Love those luscious locks!
John Gilchrist, Little Mikey from the Life cereal commercials
I can’t take the cuteness!
Little Mikey usually hates EVERYTHING, but he likes Life cereal! Wow! These iconic commercials first aired in 1972 and remained in rotation for more than twelve years. Get ready to ditch your birth control, because you will want your own Little Mikey!
Now in his 40s, John Gilchrist works in ad sales. But apparently he still approves of Life!
Yum!
Robbie Rist, Cousin Oliver from The Brady Bunch
Swoon!
Cousin Oliver moved in with the Brady clan in the fifth and final season of the iconic sitcom. And I’m sorry, I know a lot of chicks dug Greg, but Oliver was MY man, despite being 9 years old. Now 49, Rist is a working musician in Los Angeles, and still adorable!
I bet he likes sci-fi and fantasy books. Just a guess!
So, are you happy now? Miley may have grown up too fast but at least these stars didn’t!
And by the way, how come none of you complained about hot Neville Longbottom has become? Weird . . . .
I’ll take two!
Everyone is all Miley, Miley, Miley!
That’s a big hand.
But look what home girl came from. Can you blame her for shaving off her hair? She was probably afraid it would grow into a mullet.
Oh yes.
People seem to forget that you spawned from Billy Ray Cyrus. It’s not the goddamn Disney image she’s trying to shed. It’s this!
Hey-o. The Emmys are less than a month away–September 22. The nominations were announced a few weeks ago, I made a couple of predictions, then I got LAZY. Oops!
Sh– happens.
But fear not, my loyal army of DVR Files devotees. Nothing is confidential here, and I am back on track.
Let’s address the category “Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series.”
The nominees are:
To be honest, I watch exactly ONE of these shows on a regular basis, Downton Abbey. I did catch the first season of Mad Men back in the day (snooze) and I watched the pilot of Homeland when I borrowed a friend’s Showtime Anytime password as well as the first couple episodes of Nashville.
Connie’s HAIR should win its own Emmy.
So take my pick with a grain of sea salt (bigger than regular salt) because I might be just a LITTLE biased.
Claire Danes won last year for Homeland, but recently there has been a backlash to the show. As I said, I only watched the pilot, but Claire/Carrie took herself so goddamn seriously (hello, paging Angela Chase) and the episode I watched was utterly humorless (maybe that changed) so even though this IS the drama category, not comedy, I vote her off the island.
Stop MOPING already.
On to the next . . .
I like Vera Farmiga, but I haven’t caught Bates Motel, but perhaps I should because the creator says he was inspired by Twin Peaks, my favorite show in sixth grade. So she’s out of consideration. Sorry. I’m fickle like that.
Though I’ve loved Robin Wright since Princess Bride (and more so since she divorced that prick Sean Penn), no one watched House of Cards, NetFlix’s first original series to get major attention. With the success of NetFlix’s recent releases of the latest season of Arrested Development and new show Orange is the New Black, however, I think many more people will start watching Cards so hopefully we can revisit this category with a better view next year. Sorry Robin.
Just ask Westley to build you up, Buttercup.
Mad Men puts me to sleep, though I LOVED Elisabeth Moss in Top of the Lake (the miniseries set in New Zealand which aired on the Sundance Channel for which she was also nominated for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Movie or Miniseries (spoiler alert), a category which I hope she wins). And I already mentioned that Connie Britton’s hair should take home the award, but unfortunately luscious locks are not eligible.
So then there were two. Kerry Washington for Scandal and Michelle Dockery for Downton Abbey. I’ve never watched Scandal, but people rave about it as one of the few shows on broadcast TV worth your time. I admit I almost have a bias against shows not on cable or PBS so perhaps I should shed my snobbery and give it a chance.
Her beauty is scandalous.
So although I’d want Michelle Dockery to win because, hello, she had a rough year (dead sister, dead husband, new baby, etc), I’m thinking Kerry will take the Emmy home.
Don’t give me the side eye Mary. I don’t actually vote.
Verdict time:
Who I Want to Win: Michelle Dockery
Who Will Win: Kerry Washington
Today is August 27, 2013 and you know what that means!
Jesse Pinkman Aaron Paul turns 34!
I’m pissed that Breaking Bad is almost over too, man.
As we Breaking Bad fans know, Jesse has had a tough couple of years. His drug-addicted girlfriend died, her father caused a major plane crash, Jesse’s family abandoned him, and he has a lucrative but very dangerous job where I doubt he even gets health insurance! He’s lucky he made it to 34!
The least you can do is get him a bag of Funyuns, bitch, because they are AWESOME.
The Disney Channel must be like a strict all-girls Catholic high school, because all of their alumni cannot wait to slut it up once they leave!
The latest graduate to reveal her sexy side is, you guessed it, Miley Cyrus. The former Hannah Montana was more Times Square peep show than Brooklyn hipster when she performed a medley of hits with Robin Thicke at last night’s VMAs (which occurred in the aforementioned borough of Brooklyn).
I wonder what he has in there. Maybe a special edition set of Growing Pains DVDs?
Home girl looked ridiculous. I doubt she’s breaking anyone’s achy breaky hearts while wearing that get up. It was completely unsexy. Heck, I’d rather watch Bea Arthur twerk than the one-time ingenue born Destiny Hope.
But as I mentioned, Miley is not the first former Disney star to shed her clothes. She joins the club populated by such distinguished alumni as . . .
Britney Spears
Look at that doll collection!
Christina Aguilera
Assless chaps are so dirrty.
And Ryan Gosling
Yes, he was on The Mickey Mouse Club.
Nickelodeon, on the other hand, is like a really good prep school where sure, you probably do drugs, but your parents have the right connections to get you that Goldman Sachs internship which will set you up for life. Or its more like a Jewish summer camp. All my friends who went those ended up with great jobs. Or a husband!
The DVR Files 