Once upon a time I liked Gwyneth Paltrow. The year was 1995 and she was dating Brad Pitt and had short blonde hair which she OWNED and she smoked cigarettes and she seemed kind of normal, except for that whole dating Brad Pitt part.

They kind of looked like the cover of an incestuous V.C. Andrews novel, but whatevs.

At any rate, you couldn’t get really jealous of Gwyneth because in the movie Seven Kevin Spacey put her head in a box which was so sad.

But then nearly 20 years went by and Gwyneth became, how do we say it, insufferable. Now, I don’t begrudge anyone wealth or success. That’s their business. I’ll just envy them from afar (but I WON’T cut off their head, I promise). No, what drives me cray cray about Ms. Paltrow is, as I read in a comments field of a Gawker post once, she was born on third base and acts like she hit a triple. Bish, please.

Let’s talk Goop, the lifestyle website she owns and operates where she plugs, in her words (or the copywriter’s–tomayto, tomahto), an “elegant set of white pajamas and a robe to wear on top for lazy days spent at home.”

Wow, Gwyneth, sounds good! How much does it cost?

$295 for the pajama set and $298 for the robe!

Okay then, sticking to my yoga pants (which I have never actually used for yoga) and tank top ensemble.

If this was all, I’d move on. But it’s everything . . . her cookbooks, her stupid diet, her fake complaints that she hates working out and that she likes Oreo cookies. Ugh, stop trying to be a plebe. We do not accept you!

And to top it off–she was recently crowned People Mag’s Most Beautiful Woman and they decided to give us five reasons to “secretly love” her. Heh. Even People knows no one will admit they like her out loud. But the list itself is, er, quite desperate. To wit–here is reason # 4:

4. She has the funds to be fashionable.
You couldn’t believe she recommended $150 sweatpants, but you’d totally buy them if you had her bank account.

Wait a minute–are you serious? I’m supposed to “secretly love” her because she is rich. Interesting. Here is how we could modify that sentence so that I openly love her. “She has the funds to be fashionable so she buys clothes for her broke ass friends.” There. Fixed it for you.

Now–I am sure Gwyneth is a lovely person up close and personal. But her continual attempt to act like a character from an Edith Wharton novel is just a BIT dated.