J. Lo is So Pedestrian

Posted on September 20, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Jennifer Lopez really IS from the block. Heck, she might as well be from the suburbs. How else can you explain the beautiful big golden hoops dangling from her ears that you could fit a fist through? TOTALLY looks like she got them from Claire’s Boutique at the Rockingham Mall.

I bet they were buy two get one free.

Or maybe the North Shore Mall.

J. Lo wore these earrings EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK. Except these weren’t any buy two get one free that I loved so much. Nope, these hoops cost $1,185. Stars, they’re NOTHING like us!

Luckily, La Lopez has dainty, delicate wrists so maybe these earrings can double as bracelets. Always thinking, that J. Lo.

Now let’s watch the video for “Jenny From the Block” because it NEVER GETS OLD.

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Emmy Predictions: Outstanding Directing For a Drama Series

Posted on September 20, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Hot damn. The Emmys are in just two days and I have a LOT of predicting to do. Quick, give me a crystal ball!

yup

I don’t have time to go to Kansas.

Ugh, how TYPICAL of me. I’ve procrastinated yet AGAIN. Well, here we go anyway. Put on your seat belt because we are going for a fast ride. Cliches, how I love you!

This afternoon’s category is Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series.

The nominees:

  • “Margate Sands,” Boardwalk Empire, directed by Tim Van Patten
  • “Gliding Over All,” Breaking Bad, directed by Michelle MacLaren
  • “Episode 4,” Downton Abbey, directed by Jeremy Webb
  • “Q&A,” Homeland, directed by Lesli Linka Glatter
  • “Chapter 1,” House of Cards, directed by David Fincher

“Margate Sands” is the finale episode of Season 3 of Boardwalk. I stopped watching midway through the season, so I never got around to it. But my friend and fellow comic J-L Cauvin said this season was off the hook, so I need to go back and watch it. If nothing else, I owe it to Bobby Cannavale since chances are his character got whacked.

Look how hot he was in The Station Agent with Peter Dinklage!

Look how hot he was in The Station Agent with Peter Dinklage!

“Gliding Over All” needs no words. This picture will do it more than enough justice.

I miss him.

I love Hank forever and ever and ever and ever.

(Side note-as a super clever college radio DJ, I used to call my show “Song of Myself” because I was an English major, I was vain, I liked Walt Whitman, you do the math. That was my trademark phrase that was never actually trademarked nor probably even heard. Who listens to college radio anyway?)

“Episode 4” of Downton Abbey, which was also nominated for a Outstanding Writing, looked very beautiful and authentic, I’m sure, because it had a big budget. I did enjoy it, but the title renders it inconsequential. They should have called it, I don’t know, “The Evil Irishman” since Tom might have done something bad.

I’d pick “Q&A,” if Jordan Catalano costarred with Claire Danes.

"You're so beautiful it hurts to look at you."

You’re so beautiful it hurts to look at you.

But that didn’t happen. Onward!

The final nomination is “Chapter 1,” the pilot from House of Cards. Now that I have someone’s Netflix password, I may finally watch it. Yahoo! And oh snap. This episode is directed by David Fincher, the man who brought us Gwyneth’s head in a box.

In conclusion:

Who I Want to Win: “Gliding Over All,” Breaking Bad

Who Will Win: “Gliding Over All,” Breaking Bad

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This Will Boost Your Self Esteem!

Posted on September 20, 2013 by thedvrfiles

One of my favorite things in the world is bring single and broke. It is SO MUCH fun comparison shopping for the cheapest watermelon in my neighborhood. It is A BLAST stealing sugar packets from Starbucks (which I only visit when my mom gives me the extra Starbucks gift cards that she doesn’t want). I ADORE staying home alone on Friday nights watching Dateline.

A man among men,

Keith Morrison makes excellent company.

So when Forbes released its list of the highest-paid celeb couples, I was all, pshaw. I have myself and my health!

I mean, who would WANT to make the $95 million that Beyonce and Jay-Z earned this year? I can ride my bike (which I need to buy) over the Brooklyn Bridge-JUST LIKE QUEEN BE-for much less. And when she cut her hair, or more likely paid someone else a ton of dough to cut her hair? Well, I cut my own bangs once after a night of drinking for FREE. Take that Beyonce!

I can die now.

Been there, done that.

Tom Brady and Gisele followed behind in second place, with a combined paycheck of $80 million. They live in Boston for much of the year, where I once lived. I hope they don’t spend a lot of money on books, as they can get them for free at the Boston Public Library, like I did. Who needs millions of dollars and amazing good looks?? BOR-ing!

I bet Tony Easy scored equally hot babes.

I bet Tony Eason scored equally hot babes.

Everyone’s favorite saints Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made a cool $50 million. So why haven’t they adopted ten more children, or at least me? Though as I’ve always said, Brad’s best years were with Aniston when he looked like this.

Doesn't look like a pothead to me.

I will join a fight club if it means spending an evening with this.

Rich and in love. SO overrated.

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Emmy Predictions: Outstanding Writing For a Drama Series

Posted on September 19, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Hey kidz-SO sorry it’s been two whole days since I’ve written. I have been UNBELIEVABLY broken up since Miley and Liam broke up.

If these two can't make it, is there any hope for the rest of us? Well, yes.

If these two can’t make it, is there any hope for the rest of us?

Ugh, who ever thought that young love between two rich kids who could bang anyone in the world wouldn’t last? Liam is clearly devastated, as he is quickly seeking solace in the arms and lips of a beautiful Mexican actress named Eiza Gonzalez.

Caliente!

Caliente!

I CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH! So let’s predict the Emmys instead, shall we?

Today’s category is Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series.

The nominees:

  • “Dead Freight,” Breaking Bad, written by George Mastras
  • “Say My Name,” Breaking Bad, written by Thomas Schnauz
  • “Episode 4,” Downton Abbey, written by Julian Fellowes
  • “The Rains of Castamere,” Game of Thrones, written by David Benioff and D.B. Weiss
  • “Q&A,” Homeland, written by Henry Bromell

This category, of course, is interesting because it examines specific episodes. And lucky for you, I’ve seen four of the five! Sorry Homeland! Maybe I’ll start watching you if someone pays for Showtime for me!

Obviously, both eps of Breaking Bad rock. I’ll try to be somewhat vague but be aware there may be spoilers. So anyway, on “Dead Freight,” Walt and company decide to perform a major heist in order to rob a train of serious amounts of methylamine. Someone gets murdered. It is pretty terrible. “Say My Name” is a bit depressing too, though maybe a little more convoluted. It involves potential new partners, buy-outs, and someone else getting murdered. UGH.

Destiny's Child do NOT make an appearance. Bummer!

Destiny’s Child do NOT make an appearance. Bummer!

After the intensity of Breaking Bad, it’s hard to judge a program called “Episode 4.” This particular hour of Downton Abbey was still good. Branson was at the scene of a fire in Ireland, Ethel gives up her baby, and Bates and Anna stop communicating for a bit. Seems so quaint now!

Talk to me.

Carson is even over it.

“The Rains of Castamere” was off the hook. All I can say is thank GOD it is not competing against last week’s episode of Breaking Bad, “Ozymandias,” because each feature scenes that ripped the hearts out of viewers (and the actors, in a manner of speaking). “Rains,” of course, is the Game of Thrones episode with the Red Wedding. I shudder just thinking about it.

Too soon?

Too soon?

The final nomination is for Homeland. Eh, don’t care.

Conclusion:

Who I Want to Win: Ugh, this is tough. Both Breaking Bads can’t win, so I’m going with “Dead Freight.”

Who Will Win: Another tough one. The Academy COULD be smart and choose either BB, but I could also see them going with “The Rains of Castamere.”

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Emmy Predictions: Outstanding Guest Actor in a Drama Series

Posted on September 17, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Just like yesterday, the winner of this category has already been announced. However, lucky for you, I was voted “Most Talkative” in middle AND high school which means that I never shut up, even when there is nothing to say.

My high school yearbook photo. Face of an angel, mouth of a very annoying person.

My high school yearbook photo. Face of an angel, mouth of a very annoying person. And why the f— was I wearing a turtleneck? Ughhhh.

So, here are the nominees:

  • Rupert Friend as Peter Quinn, Homeland
  • Robert Morse as Bertram Cooper, Mad Men
  • Michael J. Fox as Louis Canning, The Good Wife
  • Harry Hamlin as Jim Cutler, Mad Men
  • Dan Bucatinsky as James Novack, Scandal
  • Nathan Lane as Clarke Hayden, The Good Wife

I watch none of these shows but I like some of these actors, so clearly I have a very informed opinion and you should listen to it.

For example, Rupert is a British actor who dated actress Keira Knightley for five years. That must have been fun!

Looks like a bobblehead, but I shouldn't body snark.

Looks like a bobblehead, but I shouldn’t body snark.

However, he has terrible taste in shirts, as evidenced above. He can’t win.

Robert Morse is 82 and from Massachusetts, just like I am! (I mean, from MA, I’m not 82. DUH.) Normally I’d advocate for him getting the senior vote, but Mad Men is so blah. I am totally correct even if I have not watched the show since the first season.

I’m a HUGE fan of Michael J. Fox ever since I bought this poster of him in second grade.

I seriously stared at this poster every night with intense longing.

I seriously stared at this poster every night with intense longing.

But Fox was nominated for this same role last year. Doesn’t that make him more than a guest?

Harry Hamlin will always be “Lisa Rinna’s husband” to me, so I’m afraid he’s been typecast. No Emmy!

I had never heard of Mr. Bucatinsky before, but upon googling him I saw that he’s married to Don Roos, who wrote and directed one of my favorite movies of the 1990s, The Opposite of Sex.

What HAPPENED to Ivan Sergei? He was so hot!

What HAPPENED to Ivan Sergei? He was so hot!

And then there’s Nathan Lane, who will be amazing in absolutely any role ever.

But the Birdcage will always be my favorite!

But The Birdcage will always be my favorite!

Verdict time:

Who I Want to Win: Nathan Lane

Who Will Win: This guy (he already won)

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Emmy Predictions: Outstanding Guest Actress in a Drama Series

Posted on September 16, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Well this is anticlimactic.

I wanted to predict the Emmy for Awesome Guest Actress in a Drama, and turns out the winner has already been announced even though the actual televised ceremony airs this coming Sunday!

I'm pissed off too, angry baby.

I’m pissed off too, angry baby.

Well, we’re just going to ignore that sh– for now and allow me to dazzle you with my supreme intuition, or at least pretend to since I already know who won!

At any rate, here are the nominees:

  • Diana Rigg as Olenna Tyrell, Game of Thrones
  • Joan Cusack as Sheila Jackson, Shameless
  • Carrie Preston as Elsbeth Tascioni, The Good Wife
  • Linda Cardellini as Sylvia Rosen, Mad Men
  • Margo Martindale as Claudia, The Americans
  • Jane Fonda as Leona Lansing, The Newsroom

Of these shows, I watch one: Game of Thrones. And Diana Rigg was simply DIVINE as the aristocratic Olenna.

Yup!

Way nicer than most royalty!

I’m sure Joan Cusack was bitchin’ in Shameless because, hello, she rocked as Geek Girl in Sixteen Candles.

Does headgear even EXIST anymore???

Carrie Preston is awesome in True Blood! She should totes win!

I'm not even jealous that she's married to Terry Bellefleur, who I think is SO hot!

I’m not even jealous that she’s married to Terry Bellefleur, who I think is SO hot!

Oh wait, wrong show. She’s nominated for The Good Wife. Never mind!

I’m sure Linda Cardellini is great in the most boring, overrated show of all time (Mad Men), but she’ll always be Lindsay Weir to me, bridging the gap between the Freaks and Geeks.

Nice jacket. Do you ever take it off? (Inside joke for all Freaks and Geeks fans)

Nice jacket. Do you ever take it off? (Inside joke for all Freaks and Geeks fans)

Margo Martindale is up for her role in The Americans, a show about Commie spies in the early ’80s. I watched a couple of episodes and then got bored, but everyone else seems to love the show, so she’s got a shot.

Finally, we have Jane Fonda as Leona Helmsley (I wish!), I mean Leona Lansing in The Newsroom. Another show I started but could not get into because it was so goddamn smug.

Jazz hands!

If you had worn this outfit on the show, MAYBE you’d have a shot.

Verdict time:

Who I Want to Win: Diana Rigg

Who Will Win: Click here. Surprise!

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Are We Ready For Tonight?

Posted on September 15, 2013 by thedvrfiles

WARNING:

Do NOT read below if you are not caught up on Breaking Bad. I don’t want to hear, Liz, you ruined it for me! Because I am super respectful I am giving you ample spoiler alerts. DON’T READ BELOW unless you are okay with hearing what happened on Breaking Bad last week. GOT IT?

Good!

Good!

I don’t trust you yet.

Here’s a random aside that tangentially involves Breaking Bad. I DVR’ed Scarface a few weeks ago when it aired on AMC. I’ve been lazy about actually watching it because it’s four hours long with commercials, which yes, I know I can fast forward through.

Tony thinks that's cheating.

Tony thinks that’s cheating.

So last night I finally decided to watch it. Every swear was bleeped out so it was kind of like watching Deep Throat without the fellatio, so really, what was the point? I decided to call it quits and just request a copy from the library.

But before I deleted it from my DVR, I noticed this hottie.

Yes please!

Yes please!

Manny Ribera, Tony Montana’s cohort. Wow! Now, Scarface came out in 1983, so I know Steven Bauer-the actor who played this criminally sexy criminal-probably looks quite a bit older than he did thirty years ago. So I googled him just in case.

AND GUESS WHAT?

He played Don Eladio on Breaking Bad!

Watch out for Gus!

Watch out for Gus!

Okay, back to last week’s episode of Breaking Bad.

As we know, the episode ended on a cliffhanger, where Hank and Gomey are engaged in a gun fight with Uncle Nazi and his cronies. It is NOT looking good for Hank. I mean, these guys took out Declan’s crew in a matter of seconds . . . do we really think that Hank is going to survive this? And what the f— is going to happen to Jesse? Will he get away? Based on the first episode of the first half of season five, looks like Walt will survive. I hope Marie kills the bastard.

I’ve never been so upset about a character getting murdered in my life, not even Adriana on The Sopranos, not even Ned Stark getting beheaded, or that unfortunate Red Wedding. I am sick to my stomach thinking about tonight’s episode.

What do you think will happen? Will there be any survivors besides Walt?

Be strong my friends.

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The Golden Girls Turn 28 today!

Posted on September 14, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Today is a very important milestone. My favorite bitches from Miami turn 28!

My favorite gals!

Still look younger than Lindsay Lohan.

Happy birthday girls! You should celebrate by going to the Rusty Anchor. Just don’t let Blanche sing!

And maybe your gay cook Coco can make you a FABULOUS meal.

In better days

Yum!

Oh wait, he disappeared after the pilot. Oh well! Good thing Shady Pines burned down . . . Sophia makes a mean spaghetti and meatballs!

 

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This Is Too Easy

Posted on September 13, 2013 by thedvrfiles

No, the headline does not refer to a Kardashian on prom night.

Nope, still gone.

Though I can understand your confusion.

Nope, though that is easy too. Instead, Mom of the Century–Dina Lohan–has joined her daughter Lindsay and gotten herself arrested!

The charges? Drunk driving. Seems like Ma Lohan was driving 75 miles per hour in a 55 zone in Long Island. When state troopers pulled her over, she was discovered to have a .2 percent blood alcohol level, more than twice the legal limit of .08 percent.

Please note  . . . drunk driving is no laughing matter. Thank God she was pulled over before she hurt anyone.

However, this also means Dina has a mug shot that rivals one of her daughter’s many beauty pics. Hey, maybe they can’t afford head shots anymore? These will certainly do the trick.

I may be going to Hell, but if you want to join me please vote on which of the many Lohan mug shots is your favorite. I’ve included dad Michael too, as I am not sexist.

A)

Dina

The latest and greatest to join the Lohan Family Hall of Shame.

The latest and greatest to join the Lohan Family Hall of Shame.

B)

Michael

Still had time to put gel in his hair. That's commitment.

Still had time to put gel in his hair. That’s commitment.

And in no chronological order (who the hell can keep track anyway?) . . .

C)

Lindsay

Gorge!

Little girl lost

D)

Lindsay

I wish I could get my hair that straight!

I wish I could get my hair that straight!

E)

Lindsay

She's SO over it.

She’s SO over it.

F)

Lindsay

Strike a pose!

Strike a pose!

G)

Lindsay

Blonde again!

Blonde again!

H)

Lindsay

So natural

On the bright side her eyebrows look fierce.

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Camden is the Madison of Whatever We Are Calling This Decade We Live In

Posted on September 12, 2013 by thedvrfiles

Celebrities can all be a little WEIRD with what they name their kids. Among the crop that were born in recent years, we have a Moxie Crimefighter, a Pilot Inspektor, an Apple, and Honor. Okay, sure.

They can't all be Violet F'ing Affleck!

They can’t all be Violet F’ing Affleck!

The latest celebrity trend, however, is just, well, dangerous. As in, named after one of the most dangerous cities in the US dangerous. Yup, I’m talking about Camden, NJ.

Why? Who the hell knows. I love New Jersey too, but I would name my baby, say, Cherry Hill, or Hoboken, or heck even Wayne, if I was going to pay homage to the Garden State.

But for the babies of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo and Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler (and the future baby of Johnathon Schaech and his regular wife), Camden is IT.

I wonder when all the celebs will jump on the Trenton bandwagon. I called it!

 

 

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