One of my favorite things in the world is bring single and broke. It is SO MUCH fun comparison shopping for the cheapest watermelon in my neighborhood. It is A BLAST stealing sugar packets from Starbucks (which I only visit when my mom gives me the extra Starbucks gift cards that she doesn’t want). I ADORE staying home alone on Friday nights watching Dateline.

Keith Morrison makes excellent company.

So when Forbes released its list of the highest-paid celeb couples, I was all, pshaw. I have myself and my health!

I mean, who would WANT to make the $95 million that Beyonce and Jay-Z earned this year? I can ride my bike (which I need to buy) over the Brooklyn Bridge-JUST LIKE QUEEN BE-for much less. And when she cut her hair, or more likely paid someone else a ton of dough to cut her hair? Well, I cut my own bangs once after a night of drinking for FREE. Take that Beyonce!

Been there, done that.

Tom Brady and Gisele followed behind in second place, with a combined paycheck of $80 million. They live in Boston for much of the year, where I once lived. I hope they don’t spend a lot of money on books, as they can get them for free at the Boston Public Library, like I did. Who needs millions of dollars and amazing good looks?? BOR-ing!

I bet Tony Eason scored equally hot babes.

Everyone’s favorite saints Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made a cool $50 million. So why haven’t they adopted ten more children, or at least me? Though as I’ve always said, Brad’s best years were with Aniston when he looked like this.

I will join a fight club if it means spending an evening with this.

Rich and in love. SO overrated.