This Will Boost Your Self Esteem!

One of my favorite things in the world is bring single and broke. It is SO MUCH fun comparison shopping for the cheapest watermelon in my neighborhood. It is A BLAST stealing sugar packets from Starbucks (which I only visit when my mom gives me the extra Starbucks gift cards that she doesn’t want). I ADORE staying home alone on Friday nights watching Dateline.

A man among men,

Keith Morrison makes excellent company.

So when Forbes released its list of the highest-paid celeb couples, I was all, pshaw. I have myself and my health!

I mean, who would WANT to make the $95 million that Beyonce and Jay-Z earned this year? I can ride my bike (which I need to buy) over the Brooklyn Bridge-JUST LIKE QUEEN BE-for much less. And when she cut her hair, or more likely paid someone else a ton of dough to cut her hair? Well, I cut my own bangs once after a night of drinking for FREE. Take that Beyonce!

I can die now.

Been there, done that.

Tom Brady and Gisele followed behind in second place, with a combined paycheck of $80 million. They live in Boston for much of the year, where I once lived. I hope they don’t spend a lot of money on books, as they can get them for free at the Boston Public Library, like I did. Who needs millions of dollars and amazing good looks?? BOR-ing!

I bet Tony Easy scored equally hot babes.

I bet Tony Eason scored equally hot babes.

Everyone’s favorite saints Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made a cool $50 million. So why haven’t they adopted ten more children, or at least me? Though as I’ve always said, Brad’s best years were with Aniston when he looked like this.

Doesn't look like a pothead to me.

I will join a fight club if it means spending an evening with this.

Rich and in love. SO overrated.

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