My Childhood Is Over: The Teddy Ruxpin Edition

Growing up, my mother loved me in many ways.

She bought me this:

Best game ever and yes, we still have it.

Best game ever and yes, I still have all the pieces.

And this:

Besides My Little Pony, this was my only pet growing up.

Besides My Little Pony, this was my only pet growing up.

And even this:

The only time I was cool with rodents.

Like I ever actually played it. Pshaw. Took 14 hours just to set up and I hate mice anyway.

But you know what she didn’t buy me? My Buddy. Kid Sister. Alfie the Robot.

And, of course, my mother never bought me the greatest toy in the world, Teddy F—ing Ruxpin.

What, me worry?

That’s right Teddy, I ask why too!

“Liz,” she explained. “You don’t need a talking teddy bear. You have a real live sister and brother!”

Sure Mom. But they don’t have any stop button. Ugh. Moms are mean!

And now I am so distraught because I will NEVER get a Teddy Ruxpin doll! Because, you see, Teddy Ruxpin creator Ken Forsse died last week at the age of 77. My childhood is officially over! Granted, it should have been over about 25 years ago, but that’s neither here nor there.

Luckily, Teddy Ruxpin will live on forever because he stars in one of my most favorite movies of all time, The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin, which, to be fair, my mother DID rent for us a million times from the greatest video store ever, Video Paradise. You can watch the whole 42:30 during your lunch break, posted below. You are welcome.

RIP Teddy and Ken!

 

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I Always Know What I Want at a Bar! Duh! I’m Irish and German!

We live in such a great world where there is such a vast freedom of choice. You can get your fries at McDonald’s or Burger King. You can chew Hubba Bubba or Bubbilicious. You can read US Weekly or In Touch. Life is so cool!

But let's be honest. All the cool kids were chewing Chiclets.

But let’s be honest. All the cool kids were chewing Chiclets.

And perhaps the greatest example is cable television. There are about a billion channels to watch! You want sports? Flip on ESPN. You want ’90s washed up stars? VH1 is your guy. You want crazy ass conspiracy theories? I present to you History Channel. Wow. Something for everyone.

There is one newish network called the Cooking Channel and apparently they have this show called Tripping Out with Alie & Georgia. I have no idea if it is a good show because what do you think I am, a journalist? PLEASE. Like I do research. You’re lucky if I go to wikipedia.

I DID do a google image search. You're welcome.

I DID do a google image search. You’re welcome.

But that’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I DO go to people.com, and this morning when I visited the site Alie & Georgia offered some suggestions on “what to drink when you’re feeling clueless at a bar.” To be honest with you I didn’t quite understand the conundrum. To me being clueless at a bar is like asking should you drink water if you’re dying of thirst. Uh, yes.

Their expertise ranged from sports bars, dive bars, and fancy cocktail bars. They spent way too many sentences explaining what to drink at each place. I’ll save you time.

Sports bar: Bud Light if you’re cheap, a local micro-brew if you’re my dad.

Dive bar: See above.

Fancy cocktail bar: Who cares? Have someone else order you something and sneak out when it’s your time to buy a round because those drinks are upwards of $15 each! Who can afford that?

Now, where’s my show?

 

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Happy Birthday to The DVR Files! Now, Give Me a Lights Alive!

Today The DVR Files turns 2 years old. Wow, to think my brilliant wit and insightful gaze have been in print form for two whole years. All I can say is you, my faithful readers, are SO LUCKY.

But still you did not get as lucky as Pharrell's Smokey Bear hat.

But still you did not get as lucky as Pharrell’s Smokey Bear hat.

Since I have no wedding on the horizon and can’t throw myself a bridal shower (Booooo! I want presents!) I think you should buy me a birthday gift. And I don’t need to bother with a registry. Just get me a Playskool Lights Alive.

So bright!

So bright!

Lights Alive was one of my absolute favorite toys in the 1980s. It was like a Lite-Brite for kids who couldn’t make the commitment to their illuminated, colorful art. If you didn’t like the heart or game of tic tac toe you were losing, you wiped that bitch clean!

If you are a cheap friend who doesn’t feel like going on Ebay to buy me the out of print Lights Alive, I’ll settle for a Magna Doodle. Okay thanks.

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Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups Are a THING!

Life is really hard right now. I gave up Candy Crush for Lent and all I can think about is candy!

Thank F---ing God I don't live in Candy Land.

Thank F—ing God I don’t live in Candy Land.

Granted, I can still eat it, but it’s not the same! My sister’s getting married this summer. I am the maid of honor, and everyone knows that I need to look better than anyone because it’s all about me, the middle child who is single. So it’s a lot of going to the gym, eating well, blah blah blah.

So you can imagine my absolute horror/excitement/shame/fear when I walked into my corner bodega and saw THESE on the candy shelf.

Oh sweet Jesus what have you done!

Oh sweet Jesus what have you done!

Yes, you read that right. Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups. Oh f—ing God. This is not good.

It’s such a brilliant invention but so terrible at the same time. In my mind it’s like a Nestle Butterfinger was dating a Hershey Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but then Papa Hershey Bar got really pissed at this inter-brand dating of his daughter Reese and that slick-talking Butterfinger, so he broke them up. Mama Nestle Crunch got all defensive, and she decided, F— that! And then gave birth to a Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cup to prove that Hershey did not have the exclusive on the miniature chocolate/peanut butter combo.

F— Candy Crush! I should have just have given up candy instead!

Thanks God for Weight Watcher meetings.

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Khal Drogo Stays Fit By Having Lots of Sex! Of Course He Does.

Hell is reserved for many people. Murderers, people who have never heard of The Princess Bride, the inventor of SnackWell’s Devil Food’s Cookie Cakes . . . you know, the usual suspects.

Cardboard masquerading as a healthy treat is unconsciousable.

Cardboard masquerading as a healthy treat  which doesn’t even taste good is unconscionable.

And then there are those people who live at the lowest level of Dante’s Inferno (or it circle? No one actual reads Inferno.). You know who I’m talking about. They are usually famous, rich, and beautiful. When asked how they stay in shape, they reply:

“I chase my kids around all day!”

I'm talking to you, Heidi Klum!

Riiiiiiight, Heidi Klum.

And possible the worst ever, usually men:

“I have lots of sex!”

Groan. I just can’t. And it’s heart-breaking when someone I otherwise adore utters this statement. In this case I am talking about the man formerly known as Khal Drogo, Jason Momoa.

Let's be honest, I kind of believe it.

Let’s be honest, I kind of believe it.

In a recent interview with People Magazine while promoting his new TV show The Red Road which I DVR but have yet to watch, Momoa was asked said question, and replied, ahem, “The way I stay in shape is by having lots of sex.”

Ugh, Jason! I like you in so many ways. You’re a super hot 34-year-old married to 46-year-old Lisa Bonet, the cool Cosby kid. You look like a hot, slightly cleaned up version of writer David Foster Wallace (casting agents for any future DFW biopics: you’re welcome).

Denise is looking good!

Denise is looking good!

Saying you stay fit by banging is the ultimate most awful humble brag because it doubles as a conceited brag. First of all you are bragging that you are banging all the time. “Guess what!” you say. “Not only am I hot and rich, I also have lots of sex! What do you do all day, Liz?” Second of all it’s a LIE. I can understand your abs looking fab because of the plank like positions you might pull in bed, but I highly doubt Jason doesn’t lift weights to get his arms looking like that.

All that said, I still love him. Mostly because of the Lisa Bonet thing and his hot version of David Foster Wallace. Plus he was awesome and wore glasses on Conan so we’ve got that in common.

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I Can’t Live In a World Without Violet!

Confesh: I have a soft spot for cute kids.

Not this one.

Not this one, though. (That’s me, 20+ 20 years ago. I’m not hating, just being humble.)

Some of my all time faves include Hipster Icons Kingston and Zuma Rossdale.

Under 10, and already rocking way more swag than everyone else in the world for all eternity combined.

Under 10, and already rocking way more swag than everyone else in the world for all eternity combined.

And Maddox Jolie-Pitt . . .

Sorry Zahara and Pax, everyone knows the only one that counts is Maddox.

Sorry Zahara and Pax, everyone knows the only one that counts is Maddox.

Let’s not forget the Queen of all Fashion, Miss Suri Cruise!

Yes I dress better than you. Gotta problem with that, bitches?

Style is elementary to her.

And of course my very beloved bespectacled Violet Affleck!

Such joy!

Rock it Vi!

Yes, I love celeb kids. Most of them anyway. For example, I am fine if you pack Jaden and Willow Smith in a crate and send them on a Scientology boat far, far away. But the rest of them I look forward to seeing in my People.com Star Tracks every day.

Welllll . . . it looks like I may not get my wish any longer. After years of parading photos of celeb kids all over their website and in the pages of their magazine, People Magazine has gotten all smug: yesterday they announced they would no longer “publish photos of celebs’ kids taken against their parents’ wishes, in print or online.”

Yes, I get it. I’m not a cold heartless person (Well, that’s debatable). I understand that the paparazzi are aggressive and that children are targeted unfairly and it can be dramatic and scary for the kids. Yes, that’s terrible.

But COME ON. You know people like Tori Spelling are TERRIFIED of this decision. This means when she parades her kids around town, soliciting sympathy in her campaign against her philandering husband Dean McDermott–and I don’t say “alleged philanderer” because homeboy DID leave his first wife Mary Jo Eustace after meeting Tori on the set of the Lifetime movie Mind Over Murder in 2005–everyone will know that she contacted the paps herself to snap photos of her humongous brood.

You know she has the paps on speed dial.

You know she has the paps on speed dial.

So in a way this decision is great–the real fame whores will stand out, and we can avoid and shun them. Woohoo!

But damn, I will miss Violet!

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Kabletown is now KableUniverse!

Oh my God people! Where is Liz Lemon when you really need her???

Probably eating cake or something!

Probably eating cake or something!

This morning it was officially announced that Comcast aka Kabletown was set to acquire Time Warner Cable for a cool $45 billion dollars. Heck, that’s nothing. Bill Gates could buy TWO of them!

Party time!

Party time!

Truth be told, I’m WICKED jealous for all of my friends in the New York area who work for Comcast. Since Time Warner is the principal cable provider in the city, this means they’ll get free cable! Lucky bitches!

Poor little RCN! It’s like the red-headed middle child that no one cares about! I can RELATE, being a red-headed middle child that no one cares about myself. Let’s just get married RCN!

 

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The Olympics Begin Tonight!

The 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics begin tonight, or maybe they began last night? At any rate, this (former) upper middle class white person does not care all that much about the sporting competition designed for her fellow upper middle class white persons.

There is an exception to every rule.

There is an exception to every rule.

That said, I will be watching the Opening Ceremony tonight, because I am REALLY hoping to see a shirtless Putin. He’s such a kind, considerate humanitarian, the way he shows such concern for his fellow man. He knows we want to see his hot body, and he shows us his hot body! That Putin, he will go down as one of the greatest leaders in the history of life!

So many guns in this picture. Oh yes I said it.

So many guns in this picture. Oh yes I said it.

And of course, figure skating. I will be watching figure skating. What red-blooded American would miss that???

 

 

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These Are the Best Commercials in the WORLD

So the Super Bowl was this weekend! It was in New JERSEY and was actually super BORING! I mean, not only did Peyton and his non-bucking Broncos get beat by BIRDS 43-8, the commercials were BLAH! I was all, I gave up watching Downton Abbey for this? Whaaaa?

Tom Brady is hotter. Just saying.

Tom Brady is hotter. Just saying.

Because I am committed to serving the people, I am going to show some commercials that are actually GREAT. I’m a real humanitarian, I am.

So without further ado, I present to you Liz Simons’ favorite commercials in the world, which also mean they are the best in the world because I have the most exquisite taste in the world.

So . . . can someone please tell me where I can get a pizza with nothing? Oh yes, this commercial for Polly-O Sting Cheese can!

 

After such a magnifique dinner, I need some dessert. How about a nice piece of Storck Chocolate Riesen?

 

If fruit is more of your thing, how about a Bonkers?

 

Or perhaps a breath mint?

 

But WHATEVER you do, stay away from drugs!

Never gets old!

So what are your favorite commercials???

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Where the F— are My Girl Scout Cookies?

Okay, I know it’s not really TV-related PER SE, but I am about to announce a state of emergency so I figured it was worthy of a blog spot.

Where the F— are my Girl Scout Cookies?

Give me 18 boxes of Tagalongs, 14 of Samoas, and 92 of Do-Si-Dos. Heck, throw in 38 boxes of Trefoils too.

Give me 18 boxes of Tagalongs, 14 of Samoas, and 92 of Do-Si-Dos. Heck, throw in 38 boxes of Trefoils too.

One of the problems about living in a big city is that Girl Scouts don’t go door to door selling those boxes of edible gold. Nope, YOU have to find them. And honestly, when you’re busy eating, sleeping, watching TV, Internet dating, and WORKING (BOO!) like I am, who the F— has TIME to hunt down Girl Scout cookies!

I remember growing up in the suburban mecca called North Andover, Massachusetts where they day our Brownie leaders handed out those Girl Scout Cookie order sheets it was a free for all worthy of Lord of the Flies where little girls dressed up in brown uniforms hunted the streets and pounded the pavement hoping to manipulate the little grandmothers and lonely widowers into buying 10 boxes each of Thin Mints or Samoas. And then you had those kids whose moms actually worked and brought their order form into their office and they won all the prizes because they sold 800 boxes (You know who you are.). Man, I HATED those kids back in the day because they would win a fancy stop watch as a prize while I received a lame patch.

Now, I want one of those mothers around me. I NEED COOKIES!

Girl Scout Cookies have evolved with the times. Now they even make a gluten-free cookie. Chocolate Chip Shortbread. Yup, that’s its lame name. But it looks DELISH.

Nom nom nom.

Nom nom nom.

Someone, please, give me some cookies STAT!

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