The 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics begin tonight, or maybe they began last night? At any rate, this (former) upper middle class white person does not care all that much about the sporting competition designed for her fellow upper middle class white persons.

There is an exception to every rule.

That said, I will be watching the Opening Ceremony tonight, because I am REALLY hoping to see a shirtless Putin. He’s such a kind, considerate humanitarian, the way he shows such concern for his fellow man. He knows we want to see his hot body, and he shows us his hot body! That Putin, he will go down as one of the greatest leaders in the history of life!

So many guns in this picture. Oh yes I said it.

And of course, figure skating. I will be watching figure skating. What red-blooded American would miss that???