Life is really hard right now. I gave up Candy Crush for Lent and all I can think about is candy!

Thank F—ing God I don’t live in Candy Land.

Granted, I can still eat it, but it’s not the same! My sister’s getting married this summer. I am the maid of honor, and everyone knows that I need to look better than anyone because it’s all about me, the middle child who is single. So it’s a lot of going to the gym, eating well, blah blah blah.

So you can imagine my absolute horror/excitement/shame/fear when I walked into my corner bodega and saw THESE on the candy shelf.

Oh sweet Jesus what have you done!

Yes, you read that right. Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups. Oh f—ing God. This is not good.

It’s such a brilliant invention but so terrible at the same time. In my mind it’s like a Nestle Butterfinger was dating a Hershey Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but then Papa Hershey Bar got really pissed at this inter-brand dating of his daughter Reese and that slick-talking Butterfinger, so he broke them up. Mama Nestle Crunch got all defensive, and she decided, F— that! And then gave birth to a Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cup to prove that Hershey did not have the exclusive on the miniature chocolate/peanut butter combo.

F— Candy Crush! I should have just have given up candy instead!

Thanks God for Weight Watcher meetings.