Jesus H. Christ, sometimes I just CAN’T.

This, however, I CAN.

See, I woke up this morning to start my day, as a person usually does. I logged onto Facebook because hello, I want to hear passive aggressive rants about people’s experiences on airlines (Dear United, you suck!). And I saw that People magazine posted an article on why hot new couple Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence (aka “Martin Lawrence”) prefer “date nights at home.”

Two blonde people

Now, as a disclaimer, I do not actually know Jennifer or Chris. Sure, I own a Coldplay album or two. I’m not ashamed to admit that. Sure, I have seen Jennifer Lawrence be adorable on the red carpet. But it’s not like we’re actually friends. She doesn’t call me after her dates with Chris to give me the rundown.

BUT, having been an adult women for quite a few years, I kind of have an idea why two grown ups like date nights at home. Usually it involves date mornings at home, if you catch my drift. Usually it involves beds, if you catch my drift. Usually it involves sex, if you don’t catch my drift.

That looks like fun!

People Mag does not explain it that way. They make no mention of Martin Lawrence (I’m sorry) knowing each other in the biblical sense. Instead, they blame Martin’s soon to be ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow:

More than a head in a box.

“Jen has made a few visits to his Malibu house,” says a source. “Chris seems very respectful of Gwyneth and feels more comfortable spending time with Jen away from his family.”

Okay then!

Hey, who knows what Chris and Jen actually do. Maybe they act out the Hunger Games. Maybe her serenades her with “Clocks.” Maybe they play Connect Four. There are lots of options for date nights at home!

I’m still going with sex.