If you are one of the chosen few to be my Facebook friend, you know that I’m SUPER into free speech these days.
“What do you want for breakfast?” you might ask me.
“Bananas and cement,” I might reply.
“Uh, you can’t eat that for breakfast,” you might reply back. “Why would you say that?”
“I can say whatever I want because FREE SPEECH.”
A real freedom fighter, I am!
In fact, I’m so into free speech that I’m denouncing my Catholic faith and shouting from the rooftops, GOD IS MEAN!
This God looks more sexy than mean, but you catch my drift.
How did I become such an apostate? EASY. God made me forget that the two greatest bands in the history of the world were playing at the Boulton Center in Long Island last week.
No, I’m not talking about the Jets.
I am talking about, you guessed it, Rockapella. Duh.
Where the hell is Carmen Sandiego???
It gets worse.
I’m also talking about NELSON.
I want to stuff my pillows with their hair.
Yes, I missed seeing these two seminal bands perform on Long Island last week. My favorite radio station, WFUV, even announced them over the airwaves. I wrote down in my notebook that they were going to be playing at the Boulton Center in Bay Shore, Nelson on Thursday and Rockapella following two days later on Saturday.
But did I get to scream “Do It Rockapella!” over the weekend? Nope. Because I forgot about the concerts. And that is God’s fault. Hence, God is mean.
To be fair, I doubt Rockapella were going to delve deep into their Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego catalog. Actually, I don’t even think there IS a Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego catalog. And twin bros/studs Matthew and Gunnar Nelson probably didn’t even play “After the Rain” as they were focusing on their late father Ricky’s music instead. But STILL. God is mean. Yeah, I said it. Freedom of speech, y’all!
I’ll leave you with Nelson’s number 1 hit “Love and Affection” because God may be mean mean but I’m wicked nice.
Today I want to show my solidarity and support for the heroes of Charlie Hebdo, a satirical magazine published in France, where twelve people were murdered yesterday, including staff and two French National police officers.
At a rally in Union Square in New York City, courtesy of @NishaChattal via twitter
Why were the twelve people executed in cold blood? Because they printed cartoons like this.
And this.
They’ve also published cartoons like this.
And this.
As you can see, they are equal opportunity offenders of all religions. And while as a Catholic, I role my eyes at yet ANOTHER pedophile priest joke, I would much rather live in a society that mocks Catholicism every day in every newspaper than live in a society that condemns and kills those same people for exercising their freedom of speech.
I get to write a silly and fun blog because of people like Stephane Charbonnier, the editor-in-chief of Charlie Hebdo who was one of the twelve killed yesterday. And sure, I may piss off some people (check out the comments of those who do NOT believe Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini should have a baby together), but that is a (very small) price which I am willing to pay. After all, freedom of speech does not mean freedom from consequences.
But one consequence should NOT be death. This massacre of Charlie Hebdo is an egregious assault on freedom. As former Onion editor Joe Randazzo explains:
Satire must always accompany any free society. It is an absolute necessity . . . It is, in many ways, the most powerful form of free speech because it is aimed at those in power, or those whose ideas would spread hate. It is the canary in the coalmine, a cultural thermometer, and it always has to push, push, push the boundaries of society to see how much it’s grown.
What happened yesterday in France cannot be overstated. Freedom was attacked. Everyone should be angry. But we cannot be afraid.
So to the twelve heroes of Charlie Hebdo, I salute you. I will not forget Merabet Ahmed, Frédéric Boisseau, Franck Brinsolaro, Cabu, Elsa Cayat, Charb, Philippe Honoré, Bernard Maris, Moustapha Ourad, Michel Renaud, Tignous, and Georges Wolinski.
France-I stand with you. Je Suis Charlie. Nous Sommes Charlie.
Hey kidz. I made a pledge to write every day. But I’m kind of tired. You can see how I am conflicted.
So I thought of the most brilliant solution ever. I am going to highlight my very first crushes from the early years of my life. Just pictures and a sentence or two. As my 18-month-old niece Charlotte would say, oh wow!
Here we go!
Bo Brady
Year of Crush: 1983-1984
Look at that chest hair.
Bo Brady has the designation of being my first ever crush. And he’s not even a real person! He’s a character on Days of Our Lives, which has the distinction of being the only soap opera I have ever watched in my entire life. And yes, I watched it as a four-year-old alongside my mom when my brother Andrew was first born. That Bo, what a hunk.
Ricky Schroder
Year of Crush: 1986-1987
There is no Rick Schroder in my life. He’ll always be Ricky to me
We tend to remember Ricky as cherubic and blonde, but by the time Silver Spoons ended its run in 1987, he was devilishly handsome and blonde.
Kirk Cameron
Year of Crush: 1987-88
These were the pre-wacko Christian days.
Many of us had growing pains in the land down under when it came to Mikey Seaver.
Blake Lively is in the news today because she just announced the birth of her baby with her husband, Canadian actor and all around snoozefest Ryan Reynolds.
Most boring couple alive.
Oh wow, I am so excited. What the world needs now is another rich beautiful baby. I can’t wait for the bebe’s guest post on Mama’s lifestyle website Preserve about what great artisanal recipe she made from her breast milk. GAG me.
Here’s the thing. I’m not jealous of Blake. I don’t hate her. But what I DO despise is the fact that whenever the world talks about Blake, the world neglects to mention the most important thing about her.
You heard/read me right. Blake’s older half brother is Jason Lively, the biggest star of the world’s greatest movie ever, European Vacation. Who’s Chevy Chase?
Rusty is important in so many ways.
He taught me new vocabulary, like that “pork” can also be used as a verb.
He taught me that Italy is the capital of high fashion.
And finally, Rusty taught me that you CAN wear white after Labor Day . . . if you’re as hot as HE is, that is.
I still cannot believe Jason Lively did not win a special Academy Award for Best Actor EVER for his role as Rusty in European Vacation.
And now he’s a forgotten footnote in cinematic history. Might as well be named Jason Deadly the way Hollywood ignores him.
And I’m supposed to care about Blake and her baby. Sorry. Cannot do.
Jason/Rusty–come back. I’ll show you boobs.
Not mine, but a nice German girl’s, perhaps . . . .
Us kids of the 1980s really dreamed out going to space.
We girls dreamed about going to Space Camp with dreamy Tate Donovan. The boys dreamed about going to Space Camp with dreamy and glittery Kelly Preston.
That’s Joaquin Phoenix in the middle. I thought you would need to know.
Because we recognized that Space Camp was probably wicked expensive, we dreamed about winning a trip to Space Camp on Double Dare. After all, my parents didn’t even have a pool. They made is run through a sprinkler. I highly doubted they’d send me to Space Camp what with it’s trillion dollar tuition.
Just don’t make me climb up the f—ing slide. I’d stink at that.
But my parents did not love me enough to even let me go to Florida to be on Double Dare, so instead they took me to the Boston Museum of Science.
It’s fun to find out what it’s REALLY like in space.
Years later I DID get to see Gravity in 3D and IMAX, so I guess I got to go to space, kind of sort of.
So way back in 2002 there was this movie that some people saw called Blue Crush. There was a blonde chick in it who had two different color eyes which was supposed to impress me or something. Her name was Kate Bosworth. She went to high school in Massachusetts. Woohoo.
She’s all right I guess.
But I too went to high in high school in Massachusetts and I knew a kid with a blue and a brown eye so Kate was totally no big deal to me. So I skipped the movie Blue Crush. My life went on.
And so did Kate’s. She dated Orlando Bloom. She banged Eric Northman. She married some director.
Yes please.
In between all of those men she made a few more movies I didn’t see, like Win a Date with Tad Hamilton! and Beyond the Sea.
And somehow we got to today, January 2, 2015, which also happens to be Kate’s 32nd birthday. And how does People magazine commemorate this important occasion?
By highlighting her best f—ing shoe moments. Yes, you read it right. They showed pictures of her f—ing shoes.
Look, it’s a pair of boots and a pair of clogs. How daring!
Someone’s publicist has been working hard for her money!
Ah, Life. It passes. Years go by. You get a job. You have pink daughters and blue sons which you insert in a teeny tiny plastic car.
Beep beep! Get out of my way!
Oh wait, I meant to talk about “life” not the GAME of Life! Silly me!
ANYWAY.
Life, like the Game of Life, also passes. Years go by. You get a job. You might have flesh-colored children who you might put in a car that will probably NOT be plastic. Or maybe you don’t have a car because you live in a big city and you go on the subway instead. Or maybe you don’t have kids. So many choices!
Years have gone by in life and today it is January 1, 2015. Still surprised I don’t live in a mansion in the air with a flying car. Oh well, I’ll survive. But it got me thinking of the past. Remember in the 1980s when Prince’s song “1999” came out and we were all SUPER excited for when it would be 1999? And then 1999 actually happened and we got scared all out computers would crash and that we’d all die? I remember standing in my backyard sneaking a cigarette on December 31, 1999 and staring at the sky and thinking, this could be it. Goodbye, life! You’ve been good.
And then, of course, the clock ticked 12:00 AM, January 1, 2000 and NOTHING HAPPENED except that we all danced to “1999.” Life, again!
Yes, even though 1999 has come and gone we still listen to that song on New Year’s Eve and all I could think of is, what WOULD we be doing if it were 1999? And since this is a blog about TV, let’s talk about what we’d be watching.
The Sopranos
How YOU doin’?
The Sopranos wrapped up it’s iconic first season on April 4, 1999. I didn’t watch it back then because my college roommate that year watched The X-Files which was on at the same time and these were the horrible dark days before the DVR. However, because I hated missing out on a pop culture moment I was super psyched for Season 2, which was premiering on January 16, 2000. So on 12/31/1999, I’d have been SO EXCITED to finally get a chance to watch the show in just two weeks and change.
Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Clarissa is all grown up!
Sabrina the Teenage Witch was one of those shows that was on foreveeeeeer even though no one you knew actually watched it. Except for me and my friends in the fall of 1999 when we did a semester abroad in Galway, Ireland. We’d park our hungover asses on our couch and watch a marathon of American TV on Sunday afternoons which also included 7th Heaven (don’t judge) and The Dukes of Hazzard. So Sabrina would be a SUPER appropriate choice for partying/watching TV like it’s 1999 because we’d be so hungover the next day and it would be just like old times.
And then I’d dream about Luke and Bo.
Freaks and Geeks
Yes that is Seth Rogen.
One of my biggest sources of shame is that I did not watch cult hit Freaks and Geeks when it originally aired in the 1999-2000 season. See, I was studying abroad (see above) and Ireland was 6 months behind on everything and this was the day before you could watch shows on line so I was beep-out-of-luck. Years later I caught all of the episodes on IFC. An absolutely amazing show created by Judd Apatow and Paul Feig which launched the careers of Seth Rogen, Jason Segel, James Franco, and more. Every single actor in the picture above has gone on to have a successful career in front or behind the camera. That Judd Apatow, he can really spot talent.
So Prince, I WILL party like it’s 1999 and see if any of these shows are On Demand. Yahoo!
Probably. But taste has never been my strong point, nor has been using the proper tense of the word, apparently. (Should probably be de la Muertos. Ugh. I’m the WORST.)
Anyway, legendary fashion designer Oscar de la Renta died yesterday at the age of 82. He’s legendary because if I’ve heard of him, then everyone has heard of him (in addition to taste and matching tenses, fashion is not my strong point). We can thank Sex and the City for that!
My google image search isn’t working, so here’s an old pic from the vault of a young Carrie Bradshaw!
I was going to highlight a bunch of gowns I liked by Mr. de la Renta, but unfortch my computer won’t let me download anything–one of the trials and tribulations of being a powerful blogger! So you’re going to have to settle for outfits that he most definitely did not design. I’m a profesh, after all, and that just means I’ll have to improvise!
My pirate costume from 6th grade
Oscar was more into dresses than pants.
My senior year high school yearbook photo
Oscar would probably be cool with the pearls but the turtleneck covers up my beautiful neck. He would have wanted to showcase that!
Peaches ‘n Cream Barbie
Let’s be honest–Mattel was channeling Oscar when they designed the most beautiful Barbie doll of all time.
So there you have it. Fashions iconic fashion designer Oscar de la Renta did not actually design. If that’s not journalism, then, well, we’re all very very lucky.
Yo kidz. I’m back! It’s been a busy two weeks. I was on a very secret mission to stop the marriage between George Clooney and the Voldemort of aspiring gold-diggers everywhere, She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (but I’ll do it anyway because I’m a responsible journalist, duh), Amal Alamuddin.
For the record, I f—ing failed.
It got me thinking. George is a rich guy. Most of his friends are probably rich. But he’s from Kentucky! He must have some normal friends from his past. What would they get as a wedding gift for the man who has everything?
Since I don’t know any of his regular friends from Kentucky, I am going to pretend that George Clooney invited all of the regular people he played on TV to his wedding. Let’s discuss what they bought for the Mr. and Mrs.
Character: George Burnett on The Facts of Life
Gift: Sexy lingerie
Liz, I’ll go fix the lightbulb that is over your head!
In one of his first major roles, George Clooney played George Burnett, handyman. He helped out the girls, recent graduates of Eastland Academy, as they ran the pop culture store Over Our Heads after Edna’s Edibles burned down.
George and Jo have matching mullets. SO cute!
Now, George wasn’t a pervert, at least not that can I remember. So he didn’t buy the sexy lingerie for Amal because he wanted to embarrass the barrister (British for lawyer). Nope, it’s a bit of an inside joke between the two Georges. See, in the episode “Doo-Wah” which aired on November 2, 1985, young Andy (some pre-teen that lived in the house for reasons I can’t remember. I was six for Christ’s sake.) entered the girls in a contest to be backup singers to El Debarge. Yup, you can’t make this sh– up. Anyway, Andy called their group Sexy Lingerie because he was a young pervert. So George B. thinks it would be hilar to get George C. a lace negligee as a throwback to a different time.
George and Andy. The handyman and the pervert.
Character: Detective Bobby Hopkins on The Golden Girls
Gift: Diamond Necklace
You can arrest me anytime!
Sophia is excited because she just got news that Detective Bobby Hopkins (Clooney) is going to hang out on the lanai so he can observe the ladies’ neighbors who just HAPPEN to be jewel thieves. I’d be willing to live in danger if it meant a hot cop would stay at my place. But I digress! While Clooney’s stint on The Golden Girls only lasted one episode, it was a memorable one. I bet he even kept some of the loot he rescued that went unclaimed. A leftover diamond necklace would make the perfect gift for Amal!
Character: Booker Brooks on Roseanne
Gift: A set of plastic bowls
I bet he won best smile in his high school yearbook.
As the foreman at Wellman Plastics, Booker Brooks got to boss around Roseanne, Jackie, and Crystal, which we all know is NO easy feat. He was professional (I think. I wasn’t allowed to watch Roseanne when George was on it so I’m guessing based on the picture above) so he probably climbed the ladder to middle management but decided to give George and Amal a set of plastic bowls as a reminder of how far they’ve come and also because maybe Amal likes to cook. Or maybe George is the one who cooks. I’m no sexist!
Character: Detective James Falconer on Sisters
Gift: Nothing
He looks hot, she looks like a corpse. Score!
Sisters was my FAVORITE show to watch in the early 1990s while I was babysitting on a Saturday night. It was a show about sisters! George played Detective Falconer who was investigating Teddy’s daughter Cat’s rape. He then fell in love with Teddy and they got married. So you’d think he’d appreciate a nice wedding gift! So why do I say he gave nothing to Amal and George? Well, because he’s dead! His murder was ordered by a criminal who he was about to testify against in court. What a bummer! One less present for George and Amal!
Character: Dr. Doug Ross on ER
Gift: A massage chair/Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask DVD
All hail Clooney!
Since he’s a doctor, Doug does have SOME money so he can pick one of the more high end items off the registry. I bet he’ll choose a nice massage chair because he values health! And then as a joke he’ll throw in a DVD of the Woody Allen movie Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex* But Were Afraid to Ask because Gene Wilder plays a sheep-f—ing doctor named Doug Ross and he has a great sense of humor. Watch the clip below. It’s funny and doesn’t actually show bestiality in case you were worried.
So there you have it! If George invited any one of the people he played on TV, I bet that’s what they give him and Amal as a wedding gift.
The DVR Files 