Everyone knows the New York City dating scene is really and truly designed for single women in their 30s. It is AMAZING how easy it is to find a man who wants to settle down and get married RIGHT AWAY. I have to turn down offers EVERY DAY.
One of my 50000 suitors.
While today is not Opposite Day, it IS Sarcasm Day (declared by me) and anyone can tell you that actually it is a TAD difficult to meet a good man in the Big Apple. But I am a big believer in looking outside the box, or even in the kitchen cupboard. Because there I can find just about the most adorable dude in the world . . . Teeny Little Super Guy!
Not this one! The OTHER Teeny Little Super Guy!
Not only does Teeny Little Super Guy know his away around the kitchen, he is a great friend which means he’ll be a great dad! We all win here!
Next week the network will air the final five episodes, so set your DVRs. But here I am going to pay tribute to a few of my all time faves. Enjoy.
1) Gabe the Gambler
Love those frosted tips!
Are you a child prodigy who likes to rap about math? And then you grew up and no one gave you a record contract? Bummer! Just turn to the slots and put your parents a quarter million in debt like Gabe did! From Season 1, Gabe is perhaps the most unlikable subject in Intervention history. A must see.
2) Hubert
While everyone hates Gabe, Hubert is the complete opposite on the Intervention spectrum. Homeless and an alcoholic, his family rescues him from the streets to put him in rehab. Quite possibly the most heartbreaking but beautiful episode (though John the diabetic comes in a close second). Take out the tissues. You have been warned.
3) Coley
I have one word for you diehard fans. Burrrrrllllll!
4) Sylvia
Sylvia is the female version of Hubert. A Southern Belle, she is suffering from alcoholism and took to drinking nips in the car. And she loves her babies.
5) Linda
There are no words for Linda, so just watch this clip instead.
Hi kidz. Wow, this headline is probably the most controversial statement I have EVER written. But it is the truth.
Brad Pitt today is one of the most sanctimonious, boring, smug people on EARTH. Heck, probably in the whole galaxy.
20+ years ago in the Thelma & Louise days he had a right to be smug. Damn.
In a recent interview with Esquire, he was all, I am so HAPPY. I don’t need any friends because I have my FAMILY. And then he threw some subtle shade at Jennifer Aniston:
I spent years (slacking) off. But then I got burnt out and felt that I was wasting my opportunity. It was a conscious change. This was about a decade ago. It was an epiphany — a decision not to squander my opportunities. It was a feeling of get up. Because otherwise, what’s the point?
While he didn’t point out Aniston specifically, he WAS married to her in those lost years. And this is not the first time he has said something so obnoxious. In a 2011 interview with Parade, he explained:
It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t.
Ugh, I just CAN’T. But honestly, Aniston is the lucky one. She got him when he looked like this:
Doesn’t look like a pothead to me.
And this:
I’ll just ignore the pinky ring.
And finally this:
I’d hit it.
Angelina, on the other hand, got this:
Did he use Wite-Out to color his beard?
I think we all know who the winner is hear. Team Aniston all the way!
Oh Helena Bonham Carter, who do you think you are with your multiple Academy Award nominations, your Order of the British Empire Status, and all around great acting?
Nice bow!
See, I just heard the rumors that you will be portraying Elizabeth Taylor in a new bio pic on BBC America. Ugh, YAWN. Because we all know only one bitch can be La Liz. Oh yes, I’m talking about this ho.
Lindsay Lohan and her pudgy digits agree with me, obviously.
The father is some guy named Brian Hallisay, who is apparently her co-star on that sexy Lifetime show The Client List (is that an oxymoron?) as well as her boyfriend. Congrats, I GUESS.
Because let’s be honest, we all know who the father SHOULD be.
Bailey F—ing Salinger.
Could have been a Party of Three.
Unfortunately they broke up in the late ’90s so that Sarah Reeves Merrin/Jennifer Love Hewitt could have the “Time of Her Life” in New York City. What an ungrateful jerk!
I hope Bailey does not descend into alcohol again.
Hey all. Bad news. You’re sick with some weird bogus disease. Totally bummer, because the weather is getting SO NICE. But anyway, you need to go to the hospital. Which one do you choose?
A) County General Hospital in Chicago
Normally I go for the hunk, but the guy with glasses looks smarter.
Even though Dr. Doug Ross no longer practices there and Dr. Mark Greene is dead (poor Anthony Edwards, first Goose now this???), if you need to take a trip to the ER there are a slew of other handsome physicians to give you a full body scan. I’m talking to you Dr. Tony Gates aka Mr. John Stamos aka the handsomest man in the world.
B) General Hospital in Port Charles
Ripped from the pages of Tiger Beat
I watched General Hospital for a hot minute in the summer of 1993 when Antonio Sabato, Jr., played Jagger Cates. Oh how we girls swooned. I don’t know who the hell he was on the show . . . a doctor, an orderly, a nurse, a stripper candy striper? But I do know he was hot and had something to do with the hospital in some tangential way.
C) Eastman Medical Center in Los Angeles
“He can’t buy beer but can prescribe drugs!”
Let’s be honest . . . all of us girls want to meet a young doctor, but perhaps we would like him to have his driver’s license. That said, Doogie was a genius wonder boy and since he’s been practicing medicine so long, he’s probably paid off all his school loans! Plus he was so ahead of the game, he even was blogging on his Apple IIC before it was even a thing.
D) The Wild West, somewhere out in Colorado
The Wild West circa 1867 had lots of good things, like this guy.
But it also had some bad things, like wolves and outlaws and contagious diseases. What a downer! Thank God we had Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman to counter all of these calamities!
Jane Seymour is the Samson of women, you cut off her hair and she is DONE.
So where would YOU go? After all, you need to get better so we can go to the beach together!
We all had that friend growing up that we would use for their toys. “Can we play with Shelly?” we’d beg Mom. “She’s really nice and she has a full set of Pillow People.”
Lucky bitch.
Shelly was especially useful during the summer. See, while your father made you run through THIS to cool down:
Looks more fun that it is.
Shelly’s parents loved her more and got her THIS:
When YOU decided you wanted more than a sprinkler, your dad smiled and bought you this bad boy:
Look, it’s got a slide!
When Shelly got bored, bitch got THIS:
Some kids have all the luck. And probably all the Wuzzle and Wild Puffalumps too.
So, even though I hooked up with Alex Skarsgard the other night (in my dream, mind you), I am still a single lady. You would think I’d have thousands of suitors lining up at the door of my apartment in Queens, but you’d be wrong. Nope, I just have a TV, good cable, and a DVR, and that’s the basis I’m using to select my potential mate.
Guidelines are:
They had to have been on TV at one point in their lives. This includes any movies shown on basic cable.
They can be married on their respective show.
They can be fictional or real.
Let’s go on, shall we?
A) Jordan Catalano of My S0-Called Life
“I don’t know if I’m comfortable with you borrowing my conditioner, Liz.”
Confesh: Even though I was the prime demographic for My So-Called Life–I was 15 when it premiered in 1994–I only watched a handful of episodes before I got bored. See, I was living the life of a dork attending a public high school in the suburbs already, I didn’t need to see it on TV too. That said, I know a sexy bad boy when I see one, and I can totally understand Angela Chase’s obsession with Jordan Catalano. It DOES hurt to look at him, because his hair will always look silkier than yours.
B) Troy Dyer of Reality Bites (Ethan Hawke’s character. I didn’t remember his name either. Thanks IMDB!)
Washing hair is so overrated.
Reality Bites, released in 1994, illustrated the lives of four recent college graduates living in Houston. I was so excited to see this movie as a freshman in high school because it had a killer soundtrack, and I’m not talking about that annoying Lisa Loeb song. Plus your home girl LOVED Ethan Hawke. He was so lost soul ’90s! He also knew how to turn up the sensitivity–hello Dead Poets Society–and he had red hair like me. Swoon. But when I first watched the movie, I just did not get it. I totally loved Troy and could not understand why Lelaina (played by Winona Ryder) would want to be with the buttoned up, successful Michael (Ben Stiller). Troy was moody, artistic, and brooding; Michael was BOR-ing. And then I rewatched it as a 30-year-old and I was all, Troy is such an asshole! Want proof?
C) Buddy Valastro of Cake Boss
Hmmm, caaaaaake.
Buddy is a real catch. Yes, he’s happily married to his wife Elisabetta, with whom he has four kids, but this is all hypothetical, okay? One, he owns his own family business, so he will always have a job. Two, he can bake, so your children will raise the most money at the school bake fairs. Three, he is a devout family fan–he’s close to his sisters and his mother Mary, who is sadly suffering from ALS. Four, he cares about his community of Hoboken. After the devastating Hurricane Sandy, he donated any salvageable goods to emergency relief. Five, he is a good Catholic boy who is always blessing himself (well, I saw him do it once so I imagine it happens all the time. Tomayto, tomahto). Buddy might not be the most handsome guy, but he’s adorable and kind and hard-working.
D) Tony Micelli of Who’s The Boss?
I’d like to see that towel wrapped around his waist.
Just like Buddy Valastro, Tony Micelli is an Italian-American male who knows his way around the kitchen. After a shoulder injury ended his professional baseball career, Tony took up work as a housekeeper for divorced advertising exec Angela Bower (Judith Light), her son Jonathan (Danny Pintauro), and her sexually charged mother Mona (the irrepresible Katherine Helmond, who helped set the bar for my beloved Golden Girls). As if that’s not enough, Tony was also a doting dad to his daughter Samantha (played by this totally obscure actress Alyssa Milano). Sexy, handy, and he knows how to clean. Sign me up, please!
So–who will it be? Who should I marry? I could see Jordan as a lead singer of a band, Troy as a grad student, and Tony as the owner and operator of a cleaning business in North Jersey. Buddy, of course, is busy baking cakes in Carlo’s.
I’m going to have to go with C, Buddy Valastro. Now, I know that means I’ll live in Hoboken the rest of my life, but I’ll always have babysitters and the best desserts. And I do love dessert.
The DVR Files 