The DVR Files

Man, you just have to love Patti Stanger’s hustle.

And her straight brown hair!

In addition to starring on Bravo’s The Millionaire Matchmaker, she also sounds off on love for People Magazine. Which is hilarious coming from a woman who constantly insults other women and has not found love herself. Oh, karma!

Anyway–this week she analyzes the saddest news in recent history: the breakup of Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez. She remarks that she “saw this one coming.” Yeah, you and everyone else in the world. Bieber is an 18-year-old superstar who hangs out with Victoria Secret models. He was rumored to be a virgin at one point. Hey, we all were. But honestly, if he still is I would arrest him for crimes against humanity. Spread that seed Bieber!

She looks like a young Marie Osmond, he looks like a young lesbian. A match made in heaven. Or not.

Honestly, if they lasted I would have also believed that Patrick Swayze would come back for a Road House sequel. In other words, highly unlikely. So Selena and Justin, go bang other people. Have fun!

Don’t believe the rumors, because Kris and Bruce Jenner are not divorcing! Well, phew, I can now give a deep breath of who gives a flying f—.

The best part, of course, is that were there ever any rumors to begin with? I never heard any. And I should know, because I am a pop culture whore. And the Kardashians and their brethren are fame whores so it’s like we’re kind of related.

Kim looks like a 1850s saloon whore here!

Man, do you ever look at Bruce Jenner and think how the mighty have fallen? Home boy was once the greatest athlete in the world. He won the decathlon gold medal in the 1976 Summer Olympics. Now he can’t even close his eyes he’s had so much plastic surgery.

Still great hair though, I will give him that.

All right, let’s cross our fingers and hope that true love lasts and that and Kris & Bruce stay wedded.

Perpetual scowler Kristen Stewart threw away her hooded sweatshirts, flannel and frowns at the London premiere of the movie I will never see, Breaking Dawn-Part 2. Instead, she tried channeling Cher circa 1986 Academy Awards.

It hurts to smile!

Sonny must be rolling in his grave to think he gave THIS up!

Verdict: FAIL. Cher is sunny and happy and makes us “believe” in her outfits because she wears them with such joie de vivre. “If I could turn back time” I would definitely have Bob Mackie create me a one of a kind slick black bodysuit. But first I would do a LOT of sit ups!

Okay, I can now understand how those crazy religious freaks think that the world is going to end on December 21, 2012. I mean, how else can you explain that Channing Tatum was chosen as People Mag’s Sexiest Man Alive?

Looks like he belongs in a Vanilla Ice video circa 1991.

Don’t get me wrong, Channing Tatum is a handsome man, if you’re into overgrown frat boys. No, I’ve never seen a single movie he was in, and yes, I’ve heard he was great in Magic Mike and 21 Jump Street (according to my mom!). However, I AM an expert on sexy men, though I prefer them with a little more life experience besides time spent on the stripper pole.

For example him:

He’s so honorable, that even without a head Ned Stark is hot!

and him:

Zombies make everyone go crazy. Shane was no exception.

and of course him:

Hairless vampires usually aren’t my thing, but I’ll make an exception for Sexiest Man Undead Eric Northman.

Honestly, I am beginning to question the taste level of People. They used to make quality choices for Sexiest Man Alive such as Sean Connery, George Clooney, and Patrick Swayze. The past three years, however, have brought us Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper, and now Channing. It’s as if People Mag is edited only by recent college grads who live in Murray Hill in Manhattan.

Let’s hope for a better 2013!

My brother Andrew Kelley Simons and I were talking on the phone last night as siblings who live in different states often do (but not enough, because he never calls), and he pointed out that my brilliant blog The DVR Files has NOT been talking about TV as much lately as it is tawdry gossip. “Droo,” I explained. “My cable was out for nine days. I’m suffering PTSD.”

“Liz,” he replied. “Shut up. You didn’t go to war.”

Touche!

Clearly, my brother Andrew is an expert on everything, including PTSD, because he looks like a ‘Nam veteran circa 1971.

The topic then turned to this season of American Horror Story: Asylum. I am one episode behind so don’t worry, no super current spoilers. We discussed if we thought this season or last season was better. I mentioned I thought this season was more campy and at times funny–I mean, Farmer Hoggett from Babe as a sadistic sex fiend doctor? Adam Levine’s arm getting ripped off? The laughs keep piling in! As always, Jessica Lange is KILLING it as Sister F—ing Jude despite her ridiculous Boston accent that sounds like me when I did my seventh grade video presentation on the Triceratops.

This is what I looked like in my Paleolithic Era.

Droo and I agreed that the show is much darker this time around . . . physically in the way they film it and also in the subject matter. Heck, even the 1932 movie Freaks had more light-hearted moments! And then my brother remarked on now stub-legged Chloe Sevigny, who drives me crazy because she has to goddamn spell her name with an umlaut over the e and I can’t figure out how to do that on my computer: “She always plays a goddamn nymphomaniac!”

Who doesn’t love a Mormon sister wife?

Wow, I thought, he’s right! Chloe is an interesting choice to play such a horny babe. If there were a calendar for “Greenwich, CT field hockey players on horseback,” she’d be Miss March, all prim and proper wrapped up in an LL Bean coat with expensive riding boots. She just OOZES that bored, Connecticut WASP look, even though she was born in MA and raised a Catholic (she was reared in Darien though, so my assessment is half correct).  So directors are definitely thinking outside the box (hahaha get it?) when they cast her as a perv.

First, of course, there was Kids, where she was not so much a nympho as an innocent high school student who slept with Telly the Virgin Surgeon, contracted HIV, and then Casper the Horny Ghost raped her as she slept. Wow, that’s a horrible sentence to write. And then she starred in The Brown Bunny where she gave Vincent Gallo a blow job on screen. Fun times!

And then we turn to her TV years, when she starred as second wife Nicki Grant on Big Love from 2006-2011. Granted, I only watched the first season of the show, but I imagine she liked sex quite a bit, she had three kids!

And at last we arrive at American Horror Story: Asylum, where she is the Blanche Devereaux of mental hospitals. Everyone can take her for a ride. Unfortunately for her, she’ll never make it to the Rusty Anchor because she no longer has any legs to take her there.

So there you have it. Chloe Sevigny (plus an umlaut), professional nymph.

Here is something adorable.

I don’t even LIKE kittens! But damn!

And here is something even MORE adorable.

Valerie Bertinelli!

You are an awful, cruel, heartless human being if you don’t think Valerie Bertinelli is the cutest TV actress ever. From One Day at a Time to I Was a Mail Order Bride, Val has DOMINATED the boob tube over the past forty years.

So you can imagine my super big excitement when my parents came to visit me this past weekend and my mother brought me a little surprise: a set of pots and pans designed by the one and only, you got it, VALERIE BERTINELLI!

The best pasrt, of course, is that the hang tab for the 12″ skillet features a recipe for Sauteed Spinach with Mushrooms and Balsamic Vinegar from her cookbook, you got it, One Dish at a Time. Hopefully it is Jenny Craig approved!

I called it.

Back in 2009 when Kanye crashed Taylor Swift’s speech at the VMAs, I said this was the best thing that could have happened to her and everyone would be “poor Taylor!” and go out and buy her albums.

Yo, Taylor. I’m really happy for you. I’m gonna let you finish, but shut up about your boyfriends. And why’d you bother with John Mayer? He’s a bigger douche than I am, and I know douches!

I still think Kanye is a dick, by the way.

All right. Life goes on, we hear a million and three songs about this boy that Taylor likes, that boy that Taylor likes, and then the high school student that also happens to be a Kennedy that Taylor likes. Honestly, he is kind of cute so I can’t totes blame her, but I’m almost twice his age so I need to take a shower because I feel kind of dirty.

If this was 1968, Conor would probably be your next Presidential candidate, or star in the Return of the Blue Lagoon. 

To be honest with you I don’t have any REAL aversion to Tay Tay. I think she’s adorable and not controversial and a little blah. But she’s in the press every single day about the most boring things possible, and it’s hard to ignore.

Case in point. This morning I woke up and logged into my beloved people.com, where Tay explains her ultimate first world problem in an interview to Harper’s Bazaar (via People):

I’m in a predicament where I can’t wear a dress twice or else it’s pointed out in magazines . . . So unfortunately I have to shop for dresses all the time.

That IS tough. I know people who got laid off this week, I know people who lost their homes in Hurricane Sandy, I even know people who lost parents to cancer. But Tay Tay has to shop for dresses!!! I know sometimes when I visit my parents, my mom will take me out shopping because she knows I never buy clothes. “Liz,” she pleads, “Pick out a dress or two! They’re on me!” “Mooooo-oooooom!” I whine. “That’s too haaaa-aaaaard!”

That Taylor Swift, always keeping it real!

All right–y’all know how I feel about LeAnn Rimes.

LOOK AT ME!!!

I think she’s just a narcissistic snake and I’m no fan of her hubby Eddie Cibrian who left his wife and two kids to knock boots with Ms. Rimes.

That said–Eddie’s ex Brandi Glanville is also an aspiring fame whore (and possible real whore) who is kind of hilarious on Real Ho’Wives of Bev Hills.

Bra? What’s a bra?

And honestly–I would be fine with whatevs she ever said because home girl had been done wrong! But . . . Brandi has kids.

In the New York Post, Brandi explains how she was broke as sh– after her divorce. Fine. But she then explains:

Glanville says her children will one day learn the details of their father’s infidelity from a book she has just completed.

“For now they just know that Daddy fell in love with somebody else,” she says.

Glanville, meanwhile, is single but enjoying a “friends with benefits” arrangement with an unnamed Los Angeles businessman.

“I am treating this show as a platform and a window,” she says.

“If it is gone tomorrow, I made the most of it. I joke that I whore myself out to anyone that will pay me. But that is kind of what is happening.”

Jesus F—ing Christ. We all lose here!

Hey bitches! Guess who’s back? Jennifer Grey’s nose? The dance trend the Macarena? Kim Kardashian’s dignity?

Nope, still gone.

Nope, the master of all useless knowledge known as ME is back. Cable and Internet came back Friday night and I have just been soaking in the airwaves. You were right Belinda Carlisle, heaven is indeed a place on Earth.

All weekend I basked in the glory of my DVR and On Demand and this morning I decided to get back to business, which for me is visiting people.com as all intellectual adults do. And guess what was a big piece of news this weekend? Well, besides Petreaus having an affair with a woman who wrote a book about him called All In (writes itself).

Jessica Biel went to a bakery!

I always dress up while buying truffles. Although, let’s be honest. Truffles are too expensive for me. I’m a Whitman Sampler kind of girl.

See, apparently Jessica was meeting some friends post-wedding at this cute little cafe called Little Cupcakes Bakeshop and she tried to order a banana treat but they were out! So she had to compromise and get a cookie. Rough, I know.

Apparently Jessica wasn’t even a diva about it (though according to one observer she was “really bummed.”) and was friendly to the staff. Yeah for nice celebrities!

But honestly–who the HELL calls People Magazine to tell them a famous person is eating a cupcake (or in Jessica’s case, TRYING to eat a cupcake)? I once saw Dina Lohan in person and you never saw me all over Twitter bragging about it. Leave famous people alone!

All right, have to get ready for work. So happy to be back!