My brother Andrew Kelley Simons and I were talking on the phone last night as siblings who live in different states often do (but not enough, because he never calls), and he pointed out that my brilliant blog The DVR Files has NOT been talking about TV as much lately as it is tawdry gossip. “Droo,” I explained. “My cable was out for nine days. I’m suffering PTSD.”

“Liz,” he replied. “Shut up. You didn’t go to war.”

Touche!

Clearly, my brother Andrew is an expert on everything, including PTSD, because he looks like a ‘Nam veteran circa 1971.

The topic then turned to this season of American Horror Story: Asylum. I am one episode behind so don’t worry, no super current spoilers. We discussed if we thought this season or last season was better. I mentioned I thought this season was more campy and at times funny–I mean, Farmer Hoggett from Babe as a sadistic sex fiend doctor? Adam Levine’s arm getting ripped off? The laughs keep piling in! As always, Jessica Lange is KILLING it as Sister F—ing Jude despite her ridiculous Boston accent that sounds like me when I did my seventh grade video presentation on the Triceratops.

This is what I looked like in my Paleolithic Era.

Droo and I agreed that the show is much darker this time around . . . physically in the way they film it and also in the subject matter. Heck, even the 1932 movie Freaks had more light-hearted moments! And then my brother remarked on now stub-legged Chloe Sevigny, who drives me crazy because she has to goddamn spell her name with an umlaut over the e and I can’t figure out how to do that on my computer: “She always plays a goddamn nymphomaniac!”

Who doesn’t love a Mormon sister wife?

Wow, I thought, he’s right! Chloe is an interesting choice to play such a horny babe. If there were a calendar for “Greenwich, CT field hockey players on horseback,” she’d be Miss March, all prim and proper wrapped up in an LL Bean coat with expensive riding boots. She just OOZES that bored, Connecticut WASP look, even though she was born in MA and raised a Catholic (she was reared in Darien though, so my assessment is half correct).  So directors are definitely thinking outside the box (hahaha get it?) when they cast her as a perv.

First, of course, there was Kids, where she was not so much a nympho as an innocent high school student who slept with Telly the Virgin Surgeon, contracted HIV, and then Casper the Horny Ghost raped her as she slept. Wow, that’s a horrible sentence to write. And then she starred in The Brown Bunny where she gave Vincent Gallo a blow job on screen. Fun times!

And then we turn to her TV years, when she starred as second wife Nicki Grant on Big Love from 2006-2011. Granted, I only watched the first season of the show, but I imagine she liked sex quite a bit, she had three kids!

And at last we arrive at American Horror Story: Asylum, where she is the Blanche Devereaux of mental hospitals. Everyone can take her for a ride. Unfortunately for her, she’ll never make it to the Rusty Anchor because she no longer has any legs to take her there.

So there you have it. Chloe Sevigny (plus an umlaut), professional nymph.