Snack Attack! Give Me a York Peppermint Pattie NOW

One of the best things about living in a place with four seasons is complaining. What, it’s going to be really hot and humid for the months of July and August? You don’t say! This totally only happens every year! But I am going to whine about it anyway because it’s the Northeast way.

Weeee!

If only I had a yard and a sprinkler . . . .

Since I’m too lazy to walk to a public pool or hop on a train to get to a beach, I am going to instead do what I do best, besides bitch and moan. I am going to EAT! And what would be a better snack to keep me ice cold than a York Peppermint Pattie???

Yes please!

Yes please!

A Junior Mint, you say? Oh f— you.

I can think of other things I want extra thick.

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This Is Not My Canobie

Hey kidz.

So yesterday I went to a carnival in my nabe. It was one of those great ones, with shoddy rides, overpriced corn dogs, and carny workers with missing teeth. In other words PERFECT.

Exhibit A

Exhibit A

It got me thinking that my natural habitat is white trash amusement parks, and I’m not talking 6 Flags or Disney or any of those fancy pants “white trash with money” ones. Nope, I’m not talking about Canobie Lake Park in tax-free Salem, New Hampshire.

Turkish Twist

Weeee!!!

I grew up going to Canobie from the time I was an infant. For realz. My dad would take my sister and me to his company picnic on the park fairgrounds.

I had the coolest Dad.

Dad knew what was up in the sneaker department.

My earliest memories, naturally, are eating corn on the cob and ice cream sandwiches.

Gradually, they were replaced by riding on the Caterpillar.

There are KIDS under there!

There are KIDS under there!

Then moving onto the Tilt -A-Whirl.

My mom once fell down the ramp on this ride, which I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND NOW.

My mom once fell down the ramp on this ride, which I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND NOW.

Then hanging out with my pirate brethren on the Pirate Ship.

Arrrrrrrrgh!

Arrrrrrrrgh!

And finally graduating to the Yankee Cannonball like a boss.

The Cyclone of New England!

The Cyclone of New England!

Here’s the thing. I decided to google old school Canobie commercials, but unfortunately could find only recent ones. Fine, I thought, how fancy could they get.

Oh, PLENTY fancy.

The rides they choose to showcase are so high-falutin’ PLUS the production quality almost looks professional. I DON’T GET IT!

 

I need to go on the Round Up to clear my mind.

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Happy Canada Day!

There’s nothing funny aboot today. Besides being what would have been Princess Di’s 52nd birthday, it is also Canada Day! Woohoo!

There are so many great things about Canada, it’s hard to choose just one. So please enjoy my ode to the best representatives of the maple leaf.

1) Michael J. Fox

So sexy.

So sexy.

He’s traveled in time, he’s played basketball as a werewolf, and he was a devout Republican among a family of former dirty hippies . . . what has Michael J. Fox NOT done? Start a foundation that has raised over $304 million for Parkinson’s Disease Research? Nope, he’s done that too.

2) Jimmy Brooks, I mean Drake

What a guy?

What a guy?

Before he was that guy that banged Rihanna and then beat up Chris Brown, rapper Drake was known as Aubrey Graham, teen actor. He portrayed all around good guy Jimmy Brooks on Degrassi: The Next Generation, an aspiring basketball player and talented musician who had the wicked unfortunate experience of getting shot.

3) The Guess Who

Feathered hair knows no borders.

Feathered hair knows no borders.

As an American woman, I am more than happy to share the land with my fellow North Americans. But if they ever, I don’t know, bomb us, or send grizzly bears to attack, you best believe there will be no sugar tonight at our proverbial communal table.

4) Jason Priestley

yesss

90210h yes!

This man needs no explanation. Just look at his hair and you’ll understand why he is one of the top Canadian exports.

5) Pamela Anderson

Such a natural beauty.

Such a natural beauty.

Courtney Stodden’s fairy godmother is not only Canadian, she also turns 46 today! Let’s toast her birthday with a Labatt’s!

So there you have it, all my favorite Canadian people. Who are yours?

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Steve Sanders WERKS It!

Beverly Hill, 90210‘s resident jock, Steve Sanders, has still got it. Got WHAT, you ask.

A gorgeous mullet?

I want to run my fingers through that mane.

I want to run my fingers through that mane.

Nope.

A beautiful Asian wife?

How '90s.

I wonder if they still run the Beverly Beat?

Nay, though he does have a cute white one.

SO WHAT IS IT???

Ummmm . . . how about a hot body?

Just what we need, another Kelly/Brenda catfight over a guy!

Just what the world needs, another Brenda/Kelly cat fight over a guy.

Ding ding ding you’ve won a free meal at the Peach Pit!

See, Ian Ziering, 49, is currently shaking his groove thing as a guest headliner for the Chippendales in Las Vegas. And me likey.

Now if we can get Jason Priestley to boogie shirtless next I will be in heaven. But we know how Brandon feels about dancing!

 

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Cameron and Linden Are Married. WTF is Right!

Wow, my life has been completely turned upside down. Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and Linden from The Killing are married.

I wonder if they drove a Ferrari here.

I wonder if they drove a Ferrari here.

This is a case where many a f— are given because I had no f—ing clue they were a couple, let alone joined in holy matrimony! And I only found out because today I got my latest issue of People mag in the mail and there was this little blurb on Mireille Enos (the chick who plays Sarah Linden on The Killing and the actual person married to Cameron) talking about Brad Pitt and World War Z and being a mom to her kid Vesper (if you can’t say anything nice . . . ) with actor husband Alan Ruck (the dude who portrayed Cameron) and I completely lost my sh–. SO MANY QUESTIONS. Was there wedding catered by Abe Froman, Sausage King? Did Matthew Broderick sing “Twist and Shout” during the reception? Did Mireille give Alan a reprint of Georges Seurat’s A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte as a wedding present? I NEED TO KNOW!

Even though they are rich actors, the original probably even cost too much for them!

Even though they are rich actors, the original probably even cost too much for them!

At least we know if Alan is ever murdered, his wife will find some unorthodox way to solve the crime. So I guess that’s nice.

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If Cher Could Turn Back Time, She’d Spend Another Night With Tom Cruise

Madonna, Jennifer Lopez, and Demi Moore may like their men young, but they are AMATEURS next to the Queen Bee of all things that matter. Yes, I am talking about Cher.

I’m sure Cher got many babes wearing that get up.What, Demi, you married 15-years-younger Ashton Kutcher? That’s cool and all but Cher was way more subversive, dating bagel maker Rob Camilletti–dubbed “Bagel Boy” in the press–who was 18 years her junior.

Haters to the left.Ohhhh, so J. Lo is close. The actress/diva/Liz Taylor wannabe, 43, dates Casper Smart, 25, whose striking resemblance to Jon Cryer is eerie.

You could do better Jenny from the Block.Pshaw. Cher dated Val Kilmer, who was supposed to costar with the REAL Jon Cryer in the upcoming animated movie Planes, before Cryer dropped out.

Val looks more like a hot piece than a real genius to me.Madonna then. She HAS to be close. She had a baby with personal trainer Carlos Leon, 8 years younger. She married Guy Ritchie, 10 years younger. The 54-year-old is rumored to have broken up Alex Rodriguez’s marriage in 2008, when she was 49 to his 32. Since then she has dated a flurry of young men young enough to be her sons, including the very hot Jesus Luz.

Good work!But even Madonna can’t compete with Cher. Last night on What What Happens Live with Andy Cohen, Cher discussed her top lovers. Well, she didn’t REALLY name names, but she did admit that the world’s most famous Scientologist –yes, Tom Cruise–was in the Top 5.

Clearly he could tame more than just her hair.I love Cher. She is my inspiration. I’m not sure if she’s dating anyone now, but Tommy’s single these days, so let’s keep our fingers crossed that these two get back together.

And just because it’s Friday, I’m including one of my all time favorite scenes from The Golden Girls when Sophia and Dorothy covered one of Cher’s greatest hits. You’re welcome.

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How Can We Cool Off? I Have An Idea–Let’s Call 1-800-THE-POOL!

I’ve finished drinking all my Sunny D and I’m STILL not refreshed. What the heck am I going to do? I want to have fun in the sun this weekend AND stay cool.

None of that purple stuff please.

None of that purple stuff please.

My dad’s kind of cheap so he’s not going to buy me a Slip ‘n Slide for my backyard.

But wait . . . pools are on sale! In fact, you can get a GORGEOUS 24-foot above ground pool complete with a luxurious carpet and patio deck for only $59 a month! All I need to do is call 1-800-THE-POOL!

 

Oh, snap. I’ll also need to get a time machine because this commercial is from 1988. Life is so unfair! Just give me a f—ing Popsicle instead.

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I Own Condiments Older than James Woods’ New Girlfriend

I am SO not one to be judgmental, but James Woods is kind of gross.

Hot!

Doesn’t SEEM too bad.

I used to like James Woods. He’s from Rhode Island, like my mom. He went to MIT, so he’s a nerd. He was in The Virgin Suicides, so he’s cool with making avant garde movies. He was in Stuart Little 2, so he’s adorable. You get the picture.

But the past seven years Mr. Woods has made me a puke a little in my mouth.

See, the 66-year-old actor likes them young. Fair enough. He’s rich and famous, I get it. Why not get a hot piece like Sophia Vergara? She’s 40. That makes her still young enough to be his daughter.

Nice teeth!

Nice teeth!

Nahhh, that’s too old. What about Bar Refaeli? The model, 28, hasn’t been able to find steady love since breaking up with Leonardo DiCaprio in 2011.

Beach!

He could help her with her sunscreen.

Errr, again, over the hill for James. She’ll probably want to settle down and have kids soon. What are we going to do???

See, James is sad. He recently broke up with his girlfriend of seven years, Ashley Madison (no relation to the slutty dating website). Home girl is 26. That means she was 19 when they began dating. Say it with me. Ewwwwww.

"If you give me a beej I'll buy you a BMW."

“If you give me a beej I’ll buy you a BMW.”

Sad James. So what is he going to do? If you guessed date a 20-year-old, someone who can’t even go to bars, who wasn’t even alive when Gremlins 2 came out, who considers New Kids on the Block classic rock . . . you’d be right!

That’s right, Woods’ new piece Kristen Bauguess is 20 f—ing years old. That means she was born in 1993. That’s when Jurassic Park was released, FYI.

She looks like your high school field hockey teammate, not some trophy piece.

She looks like your high school field hockey teammate, not some trophy piece.

And the only reason I know they are banging (gag) is that she was recently arrested for possession of pot. How adorbs!

Let me remind you, she could also be arrested for underage drinking.

Good work James.

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No Hockey Tonight? No Problem!

Ughhhhh. I am so sad. I was planning on going to a bar tonight to watch the Boston Bruins capture the Stanley Cup. Instead, the dream was cut short Monday night, when the Chicago Blackhawks won Game 6 and ended the series 4-2. Wahhhhhh!

Patrice Bergeron is also sad I won't get to watch him play.

Patrice Bergeron is also upset I won’t get to watch him play.

But I will not despair, because there is PLENTY of hockey on TV this week for all KINDS of people. Tie up your skates, also ones for your kid and let’s hit the TV rink!

1) The Mighty Ducks, Thursday, June 27 at 5:15pm on HBO Family

Work it!

Work it!

These days Emilio Estevez is known as Charlie Sheen’s younger brother, but in the early 1990s this handsome devil was the BIZness. He was married to Paula Abdul and starred in a string of hit movies including this gem from 1992, where he played a hotshot lawyer turned hockey coach. Confesh: I never actually saw this movie because I was a very hip eighth grader when it was released. I preferred watching Rated R movies like The Crying Game and Scent of a Woman (with my mom, of course). But my fourth grader brother Andrew loved it!

2) The Cutting Edge, Monday, July 1 at 6:15am on HBO Signature

oh yes

oh yes

Okay, this is another movie I never saw, which is surprising since I was its prime demographic when it was released in 1992: young, easily influenced, and an Olympics fiend! Oh well, here’s my chance to catch it this time around. At any rate, this movie centers around an arrogant figure skater played by Moira Kelly and a down and out injured hockey player portrayed by D.B. Sweeney who end up competing in the Olympics together as a figure skating pair and, wait for it, falling in love! Soooo sweet!

3) Slap Shot, Tuesday, July 2, 3:15am on Showtime Extreme

Yes that is Paul Newman

Yes that is Paul Newman.

Paul Newman was many things. A great actor, husband to Joanne Woodward, and a purveyor of delicious salad dressings.

This sh-- is amazing.

This sh– is amazing. For realz.

He’s also the star of this 1977 movie, which has been called the “Best Guy Movie of All Time” (by Maxim magazine, so take it with a grain of salt or a side of Newman’s Own Mango Salsa). While its initial reception upon release was mediocre, it has since been considered a classic comedy. And hello, look at the cast. Newman, the mom from A Christmas Story, Swoosie Kurtz, Michael Ontkean. Pretty cool!

So there are your options for hockey viewing since there is no Game 7 of the Stanley Cup. Unfortunately other hockey movies such as Youngblood starring Rob Lowe and Patrick Swayze (RIP!) and Blades of Glory with Will Ferrell, Napoleon Dynamite, Will Arnett and Amy Poehler are not on the agenda for the coming week, so you’ll have to Netflix those bad boys if you want to check them out.

And Bruins . . . thanks for a great season!

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Hypothetical Situation: I Have One Week to Live and Have All of These Movies to See

If blogging were a high school yearbook, please vote me “Most Pathetic” because I have not seen the following iconic movies:

1) Caddyshack

Bill Murray was kind of hot back in the day.

Bill Murray was kind of hot back in the day.

2) Airplane!

3) Die Hard

4) Police Academy

5) Gone With the Wind

Frankly Liz I do give a damn. You are a terrible person for never seeing this movie.

Frankly Liz I do give a damn. You are a terrible person for never seeing this movie.

6) Fantasia

7) Blazing Saddles

Let’s be honest, those white hos were probably disappointed that he did not whip something else out!

8) Monty Python and the Holy Grail

9) Beverly Hills Cop

I DO know the neutron dance though!

I DO know the neutron dance, however.

10) Anchorman

I did see them filming the sequel though.

I did see them filming the sequel though.

11) Vacation

12) Old School

13) Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

14) Coming to America

This is a pretty accurate take on New York City.

15) Planes, Trains and Automobiles

God I miss John Candy.

God I miss John Candy.

16) Bridesmaids

17) This is Spinal Tap

 

I have, on the other hand, seen Blame It On the Bellboy and Forrest Gump about a billion times, so my taste isn’t THAT bad.

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