Nothing Compares 2 Face Tattoos

Man, I once thought that the Kardashian Klan was the gift that kept on giving (and I’m not just talking STDs).

WORK!

Smile!

But DAMN! I was wrong. It is Sinead O’Connor.

Nothing compares to a perfectly shaped head!

Geez, does ANYONE smile anymore?

While I wish it was another hit song that she was giving (fingers crossed), in truth it’s just that she’s giving us another reason to raise our eyebrows and go, “Whaaaaaa?”

You see, this time it’s not ripping up a picture of the Pope on national TV, or becoming a priest, or declaring herself a lesbian . . . .

It’s a face tattoo. Sinead has gone out and gotten a face tattoo.

I don't blame her for not smiling this time.

I don’t blame her for not smiling this time.

Channeling her inner Mike Tyson, Sinead explains on her website:

Brendan Quinlan.. “It’s what it is’ .. Un ange passe ;),” she wrote, dropping a name and referring to a French expression for an awkward silence. “There’s a bottle of Agent Provocateur in someone’s room that Belongs to me.”

What in the name of Danny Glover does that mean? I googled Agent Provocateur (I’m a responsible journalist like that), and apparently it’s the namesake perfume by the luxury London lingerie line of the same name. I was hoping it was some high end booze! Still doesn’t make any sense.

Or code name for this.

Or code name for this.

Well, Sinead, you’ve done it again. You’ve baffled me. Now let’s go see if Miley Cyrus will follow in your tracks in a few years. Home girl does like to shock people. Or at least she THINKS she does.

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We Must Never Forget

As we all know, 98% of the time I am filled with snark and sarcasm. I try never to be mean (except to the Kardashians and LeAnn Rimes. Hopefully God will forgive me.) and instead look for the humor in almost every situation. Occasionally, however, I put all of that aside when something affects me in a deep, profound way.

9-11-flag

Today, of course, is September 11, 2013. It has been twelve years since the greatest terrorist attack on US soil that robbed the lives of 2977 beautiful souls. 2977 beautiful souls who had people who loved them, who needed them, who lost them. Men, women, children, immigrants, firemen, New Yorkers, Bostonians, bankers, dishwashers. Twelve years later, I still cry when I remember that day.

I didn’t live in New York in 2001. I lived at home with my parents in North Andover, MA. I was 22 and had recently graduated from Duke. I spent my days working out, going to Weight Watcher meetings, watching Golden Girls reruns, and, of course, looking for a job. It was a somewhat bleak existence. I watched a lot of TV, including this bizarre hybrid semi-reality show called Murder in Small Town X, where real life contestants had to solve a fictional murder in a small Maine town. Angel Juarbe, Jr., a firefighter with the FDNY, was crowned the winner on September 4.

And then September 11 happened.

It’s almost impossible to convey how everything changed that day. Prior to 9/11, the biggest piece of news had been the search for missing intern Chandra Levy and her alleged affair with Congressman Gary Condit. It was a horribly sad story on its own that was featured on every news network nearly around the clock. And then after the planes crashed, it disappeared from the airwaves.

On September 11, I remember sitting on the couch at my parents’ house trying to get in touch with everyone. My brother Andrew was a freshman at Fordham University in the Bronx. Back then I had almost zero knowledge of where anything was in NYC. The concept of downtown, the Upper East Side, the Village . . . these words meant nothing to me. For all I knew the Twin Towers were near my brother’s campus.

Fortunately for my family, the World Trade Center was located at the southern tip of Manhattan, about the furthest away you can be from the Bronx. But that was a hollow victory, because 2977 families were not fortunate.

2977 people were murdered that day, including 343 brave men of the New York City Fire Department, 23 members of the New York Police Department, and 37 officers of the Port Authority Police Department.

Weeks or months later, I must have been browsing the Internet or reading a magazine, my memory here is a little foggy, but I read something that startled me. Earlier I told you I was obsessed with the TV show Murder in Small Town X. The winner, as I mentioned, was Angel Juarbe, Jr., a member of the FDNY. Angel, 35, was tragically of the 343 brave men who rushed to the Twin Towers who sacrificed his own life to save countless others. Angel died a hero.

An American hero.

An American hero.

I remember when I found this out feeling so sad. I didn’t know Angel, of course, but here was this normal guy who had just been on TV, won a bit of money, and then a week later he was back at his job and woke up to go to work on a beautiful, sunny day. He didn’t know that this would be his last day on Earth when he woke up that morning. He just wanted to do his job.

I moved to New York City in 2006. I am proud to call this city home. I am proud of the police officers and firemen who go to work every day in order to keep people like me safe. I love the character of New Yorkers, the grittiness, the bravery, the survivors in all of them.

To all of those people who lost friends, family, and loved ones on September 11, 2001, we will never forget them. We will never forget you. We will stand tall.

God bless America. God bless New York City.

 

 

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Arsenio Hall is Back! Woo Woo!

Not sure I got the phonetic spelling of Arsenio Hall’s trademark battle cry quite right (would it be Woo Woo? Woot Woot? Woof Woof? One of the world’s great mysteries.), but does it even matter? All we really need is to shout from the rooftop that home boy is BACK on our late night TV!

The ORIGINAL fist pumper.

The ORIGINAL fist pumper.

Nineteen years after The Arsenio Hall Show left the airwaves, it returned in all its glory last night in syndication. The thirteen-year-old in me is SQUEALING with joy-besides StudsArsenio was the show I most liked to watch while babysitting. I dreamed about being famous and sitting on that big comfy couch with the oh so modern geometric background. SO sophisticated.

I was straight up jealous of Paula Abdul.

I was straight up jealous of Paula Abdul.

And NOW I WILL GET MY CHANCE. Oh yes, God, I believe in you again, despite what might happen next week on Breaking Bad.

Here is perhaps one of the most iconic scenes in the history of the show–and possibly in all of television–when Prez Clinton, then campaigning for the 1992 election, appeared as a guest and jammed on his saxophone. Enjoy!

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Let’s Party Like It’s 9/9/1999!

This post could also be titled “How the Mighty Have Fallen.”

Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT about Lindsay Lohan. The Parent Trap was released in 1998.

Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT about Lindsay Lohan. The Parent Trap was released in 1998.

Allow me to explain. Fourteen years ago TODAY, the world gathered by their TVs to watch a very important event, the 1999 MTV Video Music Awards. Oh yes, it was 9/9/99. See what they did there? So clever!

Because everyone thought the world was going to end and computers were going to explode (hello, Y2K!),  these awards were a total blowout.

They are also quite depressing when you realize how many of the stars of that evening have, well, gone downhill.

Exhibit A

Lauryn Hill

Miss her STILL

God I miss her.

Lauryn Hill was one of the biggest pop stars of the late 1990s. She traversed that fine line between being a top seller as well as critically acclaimed. Her first and only solo studio album, The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill, was the soundtrack to my life sophomore year in college. I pretended I had an ex-boyfriend when I listed to “Ex-Factor,” I wanted a baby during “To Zion,” I chanted “Everything is Everything” in front of the mirror. I borrowed my roommate Jordan’s CD to play on my college radio show almost every week (I finally bought my own copy senior year). And at the VMAs in 1999, home girl took home four Moonmen for “Doo Wop (That Thing).” Watch her in her element as she performs a medley of her hits “Lost Ones” and “Everything is Everything.”

 

Since 1999, Lauryn’s career has sunk, seemingly by her own choice. She gave birth to six children–five with Bob Marley’s son Rohan–and she is currently serving a three month sentence in prison for tax evasion. As Tyra Banks once said, “I was routing for you! We were ALL routing for you!” Lauryn–please come back!

Exhibit B

Britney Spears

Yup

Those abs!

Unlike Lauryn, Britney has been in the public eye quite a bit since 1999. But the poor girl suffered an apparent breakdown after splitting with then husband Kevin Federline in 2006. But back in 1999 she was a pop goddess, reigning pop heaven alongside Justin Timberlake and the rest of ‘N Sync.

 

Exhibit C

TLC

Where's the condom?

Fierce!

At the 1999 VMAS, TLC were nominated for something like 300 awards for the video for their smash hit “No Scrubs” (they ended up taking home the Moonmen for “Best Group Video” only). And the sad thing is, they were doing okay. They were still super successful when Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes got killed in a car accident in 2002. Remaining members Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins and Rozonda “Chilli” Thomas continue to perform as TLC.

Here is their performance at the VMAs where they were introduced by PRINCE!

 

Okay, I hope I have not depressed you TOO much. I’ve certainly depressed myself. Always keeping it light!

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Emmy Predictions: Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

The Emmys are less than two weeks away, which is stressful because that also means it will be the penultimate week of Breaking Bad. Yes, I have meth on my mind.

This stress also affects my selection for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series because I only want one person to get it . . . . Skysenberg White, played by Anna Gunn.

Home girl is anxious TOO.

Home girl is anxious TOO.

HOWEVER, you, my readers, have come to expect journalistic integrity from me. So let us discuss how I made my choice.

Ahem, the nominees:

  • Anna Gunn as Skyler White, Breaking Bad
  • Maggie Smith as Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham, Downton Abbey
  • Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen, Game of Thrones
  • Morena Baccarin as Jessica Brody, Homeland
  • Christina Hendricks as Joan Harris, Mad Men
  • Christine Baranski as Diane Lockhart, The Good Wife

Of the shows nominated, I watch half on a regular basis: Breaking Bad (duh), Downton Abbey, and Game of Thrones. But don’t worry, I have opinions on all of them! Hehe.

Maggie Smith is simply divine as the Dowager Countess, but the dame won last year, so let’s pass on the torch, okay?

Don't look so angry, you're still richer than I'll ever be.

Don’t look so angry, you’re still richer than I’ll ever be.

I love Game of Thrones, but Clarke is the weakest actress of the bunch. I mean, you can only say “Where are my DRAGONS???” so many times before I yawn. Everyone knows it was Catelyn Stark who deserved the nom. And now that she attended the infamous Red Wedding, she’ll never get another chance!

Too soon?

Too soon?

I don’t watch Homeland, but I did watch the pilot (which I mention to you, my readers, EVERY SINGLE TIME I write about the show). Monica annoys me because she is too young to play Brody’s wife. In real life, the actress is 34. And she’s a pretty 34. If she in fact had teenagers like she has on the show, she’d be a hard 34 straight out of an episode of Intervention. Instead, she looks like she could be Mrs. America. I’m onto you, Homeland casting directors.

And then there’s Christina Hendricks. Mad Men is very dedicated to their fans. While we women get this:

Maybe Jon Hamm is his role model. A girl can dream!

Never gets old!

Men get this:

Hey, I gave the girls and gay guys Jon Hamm's pants. This is the least I could for my male and lesbian readers.

She carries her very own Golden Globes wherever she goes.

I don’t know about her acting skills, but Christina’s other assets are A-Okay!

Finally, we have Christine Baranski, the only actress nominated from a broadcast network show. But she’s already won for Cybill, so, you know, time to move on.

So that leads me back to the actress I already told you I want to win, Anna Gunn as Skyler White. As the morally challenged wife of meth manufacturer Walter White, Gunn has been flawless in her descent from honest mother to ethically bankrupt co-conspirator. She’s betrayed her family and herself, and I am genuinely concerned that there is no way out. Ugh. Best show ever! But I digress.

Verdict time:

Who I Want to Win: Anna Gunn

Who Will Win: Anna Gunn. Or that goddamn dame Maggie Smith

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Knox Overstreet and Captain Picard Got Married This Weekend

With just three episodes remaining before Breaking Bad leaves the airwaves, the world is in need of some good news.

In happier days when Walt just tried to get Junior sh-- faced!

In happier days with the fam!

Don’t worry–I’m not going to give any spoilers for last night’s episode. Except that there was a smoke monster. KIDDING! I never even watched Lost.

Boo!

Boo!

Nope, the good news is that despite a meth empire breaking apart a family, you still can find love in the air. I know this because two actors got married this weekend: Josh Charles from The Good Wife and Patrick Stewart from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Mazel tov!

Truth be told, I’m filled with a bit of mixed emotions. See, I started loving Josh way back in 1989 when I first saw the movie Dead Poets Society. The then 17-year-old actor played Knox Overstreet, a rich private school boy who spent his time wooing a pretty public school co-ed. THIS GAVE ME HOPE.

Although now I realize how obKNOXious (haha get it?) and entitled he was. Ugh, stealing the bread? Just buy a loaf, preppy!

Everyone knows it's Nuwanda that's hot anyway.

Everyone knows it’s Nuwanda that you’d REALLY want anyway.

At any rate, Josh, now 41, married a pretty former ballerina named Sophie Flack (no relation to Roberta, which is strange since she is killing me softly by taking her man away from me. Zing!).

Elsewhere in the entertainment world, Patrick Stewart, all around sexy bald man, married his “longtime girlfriend” Sunny Ozell on Sunday. People Magazine calls any relationship longer than six months “longtime” but these two have been together since 2009. Patrick is 73 and Sunny is 35. And yes, they live in Brooklyn, which is obvious when you look at pictures of them together. They are too precious for words.

Yup.

Yup.

I like Patrick Stewart and Sunny seems like fun. I’m really just jealous. I lived in Brooklyn at one point in my life and I’m in my 30s. Why didn’t marry Patrick Stewart???

Oh well, at least I can watch this clip from Extras over and over to get by P. Stew fix.

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The World Needs Haddaway To Stage a Comeback

Confesh: I was a pretty cool teenager for someone who grew up in the suburbs. My first concert was Phish (at the time it sounded impressive), I watched Twin Peaks, and I rented independent films from Video Island whenever it was my turn to pick out a movie.

Though I DON'T recommend watching The Crying Game with your mom.

Though I DON’T recommend watching The Crying Game with your mom.

However, even the coolest people in the world make questionable decisions every now and then. Mine was in 1993, when I bought the cassette single, aka a “Cassingle,” for the hit song “What Is Love” by Trinidadian-German singer Haddaway.

Oh baby don't hurt me for liking pop music so much.

Oh baby don’t hurt me for liking pop music so much.

Notice I said questionable and not poor. I ain’t ashamed of blasting this song from my boombox day and night during my freshman year in high school. Hellllll noooooo! It just wasn’t quite in pattern with the rest of my musical taste, which included Peter Gabriel, the Allman Brothers, and Midnight Oil, all artists who I saw in concert in the early 1990s (with my dad, of course).

Girl you know it's true that these men were frauds. It's a tragedy for me to see the dream is over!

Then again, I did love Milli Vanilli . . . so maybe I am just trying to rewrite history?

I am not the only person who loved Haddaway. Doug and Steve Butabi–the Roxbury Guys–also knew what was what.

Try not to dance. I dare you.

Years have passed, and Haddaway has floated away into obscurity, though he did release two greatest hits albums in 2001 and 2004. Huh. How many dance remixes of “What Is Love” can you actually do?

Hopefully the answer is lots more, because I need another one in 2013.

Till then, let us enjoy the original gem from twenty years ago.

Now, if we could only get Technotronic to pump up the jam again . . . . a girl can wish!

 

 

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Roar! A Werewolf Shaved!

Joe Manganiello, werewolf Alcide from True Bloodshaved! And I’m not talking his smooth hairless chest, because he obviously has been waxing that sh– for years.

Seriously?

Go ahead, try to bounce a penny off it.

Nope, Alcide shaved his beard. Wow.

Enter this one into the “And Not a Single F— Was Given” Hall of Fame for September.

Wow

I’d still hit it.

Truth be told, I’m way behind on my True Blood viewing this season–I just finished episode two–so I look forward to reminiscing in the old days of bearded Alcide because, ugh, change makes me sad. Maybe he’s just trying to look more like Nordic God Eric Northman?

Dear God.

Yes please!

Hopefully Alcide will grow his facial hair back by True Blood‘s seventh and final season. But what do I know, he might have already died (remember, I’m still watching this season). It’s so hard to keep track of supernatural creatures these days.

 

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Finally! A Real Star is On Dancing With The Stars!

This is weird. The TV show Dancing With Reality TV Has-Beens has actually cast an awesome, bona fide, shining star!

Snooki's been cast too.

Snooki’s been cast too.

Valerie F—ing Harper!

You go girl!

You go girl!

Despite her diagnosis of terminal brain cancer, Miss Rhoda herself with tap her way onto the stage and into our hearts. I may actually watch this season!

But she better beware of her biggest competition, Showgirl Elizabeth Berkley. Home girl knows how to dance.

Saved by the pole.

Saved by the pole.

Can’t wait till September 16!

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Remember When Pop Stars REALLY Pissed People Off?

It’s been ten days since Miley Cyrus dry humped a teddy bear, a foam finger, and Beetlejuice Robin Thicke at the VMAs, but “we just can’t stop” talking about it. Haha see what I did there?

Classy!

Classy!

But this is about MILEY, not my amazing wit. Miley’s performance “made history,” according to Miley. Mika Brzezinski of MSNBC’s Morning Joe declared that home girl has confidence issues and an eating disorder. And I’m all, eh, remember when pop stars REALLY pissed people off?

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Exhibit A: Sinead O’Connor.

Nothing compares to a perfectly shaped head!

Nothing compares to a perfectly shaped head.

In the early 1990s Miss O’Connor was flying high. She became a worldwide star in 1990 after her cover of Prince’s song “Nothing Compares 2 U” from her breakthrough album I Do Not Want What I Haven’t Got exploded all over the charts. As a fifth grader at Franklin School in North Andover, Massachusetts, I never went seven hours and fifteen days without listening to it. I went to the doctor and guess what he told me? He said girl you better have fun, and maybe try listening to New Kids on the Block. WHATEVS. I preferred the musings of love lost, despite having never kissed a boy besides my little brother Andrew.

But again, this is not about me! Ugh, too bad I’m so interesting!

Flash forward to 1992. Sinead released an album of mostly covers called Am I Not Your Girl? She appeared as the musical guest on Saturday Night Live on October 3 to promote the record. After singing Bob Marley’s “War,” she did this:

Oh no she didn’t! I remember I was babysitting when this was on. I wasn’t paying attention to the song–my head was buried in a book as any dork’s would be–and I remember hearing her say “Fight the real enemy” and wondering why no one was clapping. Those seemed like rallying words! I went home that night and my mom told me what happened. Remember, this was the time before youtube and DVRs. You could not just rewatch what you saw five minutes before unless you had the foresight to pop a VHS tape in the VCR and press record. No television networks replayed the controversial image.

Joe Pesci hosted SNL the following week and addressed the incident in his monologue. Sinead’s career never recovered from the affair. In the 20 plus years since her performance, she’s drifted in and out of public attention mostly due to her wacky personal life: she became a priest, declared herself a lesbian who preferred blokes, and got married four times.

So Miley, please. You aren’t so daring. Your career will be intact in another week or so!

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