Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 5!

Today is the first Sunday of Lent and I skipped Mass. Oops!

But in case anyone doubts my dedication to the cause, what I won’t skip is announcing the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 5! And I think this is probably my least controversial choice of all!

Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima!

adriana-lima

I know all you pervs wanted me to post a super sexy picture of Miss Lima, but it’s Lent! We have to at least TRY to be pious.

Adriana Lima was born in Brazil and moved to New York in 1999 three years after coming in second place in the 1996 Ford Supermodels of the World contest. No, I did not come in first place. Canadian Leanne Spencer did, and she’s hard to find via google image search even when you type in “Leanne Spencer model.” But I did find her linkedin profile! Beautiful models, they’re just like us!

A devout Catholic, Lima revealed to GQ in 2006 she was still a virgin. And I thought I was a late bloomer. Beautiful models, they’re just like us!

Lima went on to marry NBA player Marko Jaric on Valentine’s Day 2009. She presumably lost her virginity that very night because she gave birth to daughter Valentina almost exactly nine months later to the day, on November 15, 2009 (hmmm, was there a little pre-marital hanky panky going on?).  Their second daughter was born on September 12, 2012. Unfortunately, or fortunately for all of you pervs, Lima and Jaric announced their separation in 2014 and finalized their divorce in 2016. What that means is that Adriana Lima is now single.

So congratulations Adriana Lima for being the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 5!

Posted in Hot Catholic of Lent, Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 4!

Back in the day I was a DJ at my college radio station, WXDU-FM, based out of Duke University in Durham, NC. I played super cool music from super cool artists like Spoon, The Olivia Tremor Control, and The Magnetic Fields. I saw Elliott Smith and Yo La Tengo in concert. I was, dare I say, hip.

But one of the biggest regrets I have from those years, besides seeing Titanic three times in the theater, is that I graduated in 2001 which means that I missed the advent of one of the biggest rock bands of the aughts. Yes, I’m talking about The White Stripes. While they did release a couple of albums while I was in college, their breakthrough record White Blood Cells was released on July 3, 2001, a mere two months after I graduated.

Why am I confessing to you one of my deepest secrets of my young adulthood? Well, one, I haven’t been to therapy in a while and I need a release somewhere. And two, today’s Hot Catholic of Lent is The White Stripes’ front man Jack White!

jack-white

John Anthony Gillis was born July 9, 1975 in Detroit, the youngest of ten kids. Yup, definitely sounds Catholic. He was named after John the Baptist, served as an altar boy, and considered becoming a priest before becoming a rock star. He married Meg White in 1996, taking her last name, and the following year they formed The White Stripes.

Jack and Meg divorced in 2000 (sinner!) but kept the band going till 2011 while he launched other groups like The Raconteurs and The Dead Weather. In 2005 he married model Karen Elson. While the ceremony was officiated by a shaman, it was later cosigned by a Catholic priest. They ended their marriage in 2013. Bummer!

Jack is still rocking out in Nashville, where he has lived since 2009. I’m not sure if he attends church on a regular basis, but he still knows his stuff as he revealed in the ultimate Catholic throwdown with Stephen Colbert in 2011.

So congratulations Jack White! I know you’ve won a bunch of Grammys but today you are bestowed the greatest honor. You are the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 4!

 

Posted in Hot Catholic of Lent | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 3!

It’s Day 3 of Lent. I have not played Candy Crush since Tuesday. It has been hard but it’s really increased my productivity:  now I look at people.com fifty times a minute on my phone instead! Where else am I going to learn that Prince Harry is taking his American piece to his friend’s wedding in Jamaica?

prince-harry-meghan-markle-photo-c-getty-images

I know she has a name but I’m jealous so I refuse to say it, Voldemort-style.

But enough about Harry. He’s Protestant anyway. We have more important matters at hand, like discussing who is the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 3! Drum roll please . . . .

It’s birthday boy* David Faustino!

david-faustino

I want to be married with his children!

In addition to being born born 43 years ago today, David Faustino has long served as the unofficial mascot of The DVR Files. Back when I launched the blog in 2012, I printed out business cards with this very picture on it because what exemplifies the cutting edge of current pop culture more than a pin-up photo of a mulleted teen star from ’80s? I’m totally on the pulse!

I first fell in love with David when he appeared in the classic TV movie Bride of Boogedy in 1987. That same year he landed the role that made him a star: Bud Bundy on Married . . . With Children. Since the show ended in 1997, he’s kept busy working in dynamic projects such as Dirt Merchant with Jenna Jameson and Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens with Steve Sanders.

I always assumed David was Catholic because his last name is Italian. But I had to dig deep in my research this time. His wikipedia page made no mention of his faith, so I googled “David Faustino Catholic” and who should save the day but Oprah!

saintoprah

David appeared on an episode of Oprah: Where Are They Now? back in September where he explained that his own family was a lot tougher than those loose Bundys. He was raised Catholic and even went to Catholic school! And I was all, YES! Confirmed! David Faustino can be a Hot Catholic of Lent!

david-faustino-net-worth

Giving me a little Michael Stipe action, but he’s still got it.

So happy birthday David and congratulations on being the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 3!

*David’s birthday is March 3. I started writing this at 11:30p and then all of a sudden it became March 4 when the clock hit midnight. D’oh!

Posted in Hot Catholic of Lent | Tagged | Leave a comment

Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 2!

Today is Texas Independence Day so of course the Hot Catholic of Lent is going to be the late great Farrah Fawcett!

farrah-fawcett

Born and raised in Corpus Christi, Texas, she attended the parish school at St. Patrick’s Roman Catholic Church. She went to public high school and then University of Texas at Austin before moving to Hollywood in 1968. She became one of Charlie’s Angels in 1976 but left after only one season. She later on became one of God’s angels when she passed away on June 25, 2009 after a long battle with cancer, which also happened to be the same day that Michael Jackson died. Ryan O’Neal never got over that.

So congratulations, Farrah Fawcett, wherever you are! You are the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 2!

Posted in Hot Catholic of Lent | Tagged | Leave a comment

Hot Catholic of Lent: Ash Wednesday!

Today is the first day of Lent which for a Casual Catholic like me means I’m giving up Candy Crush for the next 40 days (slap my phone out of my hand if you see me playing it) and I’ve got some smudges on my forehead.

CandYCrsuh.jpeg

I’m going through sugar withdrawal already and it’s only Day 1.

So to honor my faith I’m drawing influence from my beloved Michael K at Dlisted (he of “Hot Slut of the Day” fame) and featuring a “Hot Catholic of Lent” on The DVR Files every day during the Easter season. Get ready!

Our first hot Catholic is none other than Josh Duhamel!

josh-duhamel

Maybe not the sexiest picture, and I should probably crop it, but f— it.

Josh is one of those guys that’s in a lot of TV shows and movies that no one’s ever seen but I know his name (though not how to pronounce it) because he is married to Fergie aka Stacy from Kids Incorporated.

stacykidsincorporated

Never forget.

Josh and Fergie got married in 2009 in a Catholic ceremony but not a Catholic church (the horror, the horror) but they repented for their sins when they baptized their son Axl Jack at the St. Martin of Tours Catholic Church in Brentwood, CA in 2013. All is forgiven!

Wikipedia tells me they are currently practicing Catholics and attend church on a regular basis.

So congratulations, Josh, on being The DVR Files’ first Hot Catholic of Lent!

 

 

 

Posted in Hot Catholic of Lent | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Give me a Boku NOW!

Today is Monday, which means if I were a kid I would be going to school. “Mom!” I’d holler as I was about to leave the house to catch the bus. “What did you pack me for lunch today?”

Mom would holler back, “A bologna sandwich, chips, a pear, Oreos, and a Hi-C Ecto Cooler!”

ecto-cooler

“What the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, Mom? I’m in sixth grade!” Let’s just ignore that I would not be in sixth grade if I went to school today and they don’t even make Ecto Cooler anymore after a brief reboot in 2016. “I want a sophisticated juice box, like a BoKu! Is that too much to ask?”

BoKu was an “adult” juice box made from 1990 to 2003. There were no straws so you could practice your chugging action which would come in very handy years later playing flip cup in college. Moreover, BoKu’s most famous flavor was white grape juice, which would come in handy years after the flip cup when you were picking out wines from the wine store!

And best of all, Richard Lewis was the pitchman of BoKu!!!

My mom eventually came around and started treating me like the mature young adult I was. She bought BoKu when it was on sale at Market Basket (nee DeMoulas to all my fellow native New Englanders). It was very delicious and way better than Hi-C or Hawaiian Punch or H20.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

The Oscars Will Be Grouchy Tonight

Tonight is the Academy Awards, an evening where the Hollywood crowd pats themselves on their backs while conducting a giant circle jerk just for doing their job, which is making movies. Whoop de do. I don’t see any award ceremonies televised about the top sales people at the Gap, but what are you gonna do.

snl-gap

These girls totally would have won all of the awards. Google “SNL Gap” you young freaks who don’t get this reference.

But let’s be f—ing honest, tonight is going to be sadder than most Academy Awards and not just because they are going to make us watch montages of the most depressing scenes with the worst Boston accents from Manchester by the Sea. Nope, it’s going to be sad because this morning it was announced that actor Bill Paxton died last night due to complications following heart surgery!

bill-paxton-gloria-stuart

No! My heart will not go on!

Bill was one of those actors who was in pretty much everything in the 1990s. Well, either him, Bill Pullman, or Jeff Daniels. I always got those guys confused! In addition to his high profile role in Titanic, he appeared in one of my favorite indie movies The Last Supper and the excellent morality tale/thriller A Simple Plan. He will be missed.

So while I am broken-hearted, hopefully Celine Dion can make us feel better. I’ll never let go Bill.

 

Posted in RIP | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

The Only Ocean that Matters is Billy

I’m a fan of geography. I can name the seven continents, I can point to Brazil on a map, and I can tell you the six oceans on planet Earth:

The Pacific, the Atlantic, the Indian, the Arctic, the Southern, and Billy.

billy-ocean

Smallest Ocean in size, biggest in influence.

For you young people reading, you might be scratching your head and saying to yourself, where’s Frank? Well, besides not being at the Grammys last week, Frank barely qualifies as a puddle next to the genius that is Billy Ocean, even though we know Frank can be quite salty.

Billy was a huge star in the 1980s and sang one of my favorite songs ever, “Caribbean Queen (No More Love on the Run)” which was released in 1984. These were the days before everyone had cable, so I had to wait for my bimonthly visits to my grandparents’ house in Cranston, Rhode Island where I’d go down to the basement and shout, “I’m watching The Electric Company!” and then turn on MTV and cross my fingers and pray that the greatest video of all time would come on. I was about 1 for 3. You win some, you lose some.

Billy Ocean, now 67, continues to make music and perform around the world. He’s launching a UK tour this spring and of course I’m jealous because I’d have to cross the ocean to see THE Ocean and that might not be too practical. But hey, if there are any rich people out there who want to buy me a ticket I would be willing to getta out my dreams and get into a plane.

billy-ocean-today

Still cooler than I will ever be.

And because I know you want it, here’s the video that made me want to be royalty on the Caribbean.

 

 

 

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Wait??? Now we have to look HOT at 63?

Oh, what a victory for feminism! Christie Brinkley, 63, posed in the 2017 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, alongside her daughters Alexa Ray, 31, and Sailor, 18, proving a woman is still valuable in her AARP years as long as she looks hot in a bikini.

christie-and-daughters

Christie explained on why she chose to pose:

“In a country that’s very ageist, people love to put you in little boxes,” she says. “Women feel very limited by their numbers. On a personal level, I thought, if I can pull this off, I think it will help redefine those numbers and remove some of the fear of aging.”

Jesus F—ing Christ, Christie. You think a picture of you looking like this at age 63 is going to make my 30-something ass look forward to collecting Social Security?

christie-alone

The answer is, Hell no!

Look, I’m confident in my body. I work out, I eat well(ish), I cut down on my booze drinking, I’m a Lifetime member at Weight Watchers. I do okay even though I barely fill out a 34A bra and the jeans I bought three years ago are tight.

And then I see these pics of Christie and all I can think is, now I have to look like a 25-year-old when I’m 63? I didn’t even come close to looking like this when I was 25! Aren’t our 60s the years where we can relax a little and not care so much about what we look like?

I’m jealous of men. They get to look their age and STILL be sex symbols!

patrick-stewart

I’m talking to you, Patrick Stewart, age 76. You’re a fox at 76 and you get to look 76! What a concept!

That’s why I love women like Meryl Steep (67), Helen Mirren (71), and Judi Dench (82). They are beautiful AND they look their age. I imagine they’ve gotten a few minor nip and tucks and injections along the way (don’t sue me for libel anyone, I’m just IMAGINING it!) but they still aren’t trying to be the women they were 40+ years ago. And that’s because the women they are NOW are awesome!

The 79th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

What a Dame!

Look, good on Christie Brinkley for having great genes, great surgeons, and a great body. But don’t for the love of God tell me you posed in Sports Illustrated because you want to combat ageism. You are actually contributing to ageism! Tell the truth and announce it from the mountains, I look hot as hell and I want everyone to know!

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

It’s Snowing. Don’t Do This Today.

Snow as a kid was fun. You could have snow ball fights! You could go sledding! If eating snow was your thing, the whole outside world became your very own personal Snoopy Sno-cone Machine, minus the red shit flavoring. Snow was the greatest!

snoopy

Oh hell yeah.

As an adult this is how I feel about snow: meh. If it happens on the weekend it’s actually nice because it gives my lazy ass an excuse to lie on the couch and catch up on my DVR which is currently 95% full. But if it happens during the week, I gotta drag that same lazy ass to work. When you average the two of those feelings, you get meh.

I know some of you adults still like the snow because you do things like ski or maybe you’re teachers and you get snow days. I’d like it then too! Well, not the skiing part because I hate being cold but I’d hang out in the lodge and drink spiked hot cocoa. But let me warn you, while snow is good for MANY things, it’s NOT a good time to stick your tongue to a frozen pole. Even if someone triple dog dares you. You need evidence? Watch the clip from the classic A Christmas Story below.

Oh poor Flick! His tongue got stuck to the pole! It’s actually quite fitting in hindsight because the actor who played Flick, Scott Schwartz, worked with poles many times as he went onto star in several adult movies. And by adult movies I don’t mean the kind where they talk about taxes and buying houses and taking out second mortgages. I mean dirty sex movies like The Wrong SnatchCafe Flesh 2, and Scotty’s X-Rated Adventure.

scottporn

What a hunk!

So have fun today, but don’t stick your tongue on a pole!

 

 

 

 

Posted in Trip Down Memory Lane | Tagged | Leave a comment