Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 7!

One week into Lent and I’ve been all about sexy people for Hot Catholics.

JackWhite today

And yes, some people do consider Day 4’s Hot Catholic of Lent Jack White a babe. Look how much he’s cleaned up!

But Lent has something to do with Jesus and faith and being good and all those types of things you can find about at church or on wikipedia. And along those lines I am declaring Day 7’s Hot Catholic of Lent a true Christian, albeit a fictional one from a novel which later became a musical. That’s right, I’m talking about Jean Valjean of Les Misérables fame!

Jean Valjean

The original Valjean on Broadway, played by Colm Wilkinson (also a Hot Catholic!)

I first became obsessed with Les Mis in fourth grade when I’d go over my friend Nicki’s house and she’d play the song “Master of the House” over and over and over again which we loved because they said the word “shit” in it. Oh, how we’d laugh. My uncle John sent me the soundtrack on cassette tape for my tenth birthday. My tastes had evolved by then. I preferred the song “Come to Me,” aka the one where Fantine dies. Coincidentally my favorite movie at that time was Beaches. What can I say? I liked people dying in my entertainment.

By high school I had moved on from Fantine to Valjean. A one time petty criminal who had served nineteen years in prison for stealing bread for his starving sister’s family, he had reinvented himself as a successful factory owner. But his old nemesis, the police inspector Javert, was always on the lookout for Valjean. At one point Valjean was about to let another man get arrested for a minor crime Valjean committed. Right before he launched into the song “Who Am I?”, Valjean declared, “If I speak, I am condemned. If I stay silent, I am damned.” He ended up confessing to his crime, singing:

Must I lie?
How can I ever face my fellow men?
How can I ever face myself again?
My soul belongs to God, I know
I made that bargain long ago
He gave me hope when hope was gone
He gave me strength to journey on
Who am I? Who am I?
I am Jean Valjean!
And so Javert, you see it’s true
That man bears no more guilt than you!
Who am I?
24601!

 

Gets me every time!

To this day, Valjean’s first statement has stuck with me: “If I speak, I am condemned. If I stay silent, I am damned.” It’s a reminder that our first obligation is to our conscience. We must do what’s right, even if it hurts us. Unless, of course, you’re a sociopath without any conscience. Then do whatever you want!

And because you want it, here is Colm Wilkinson/Valjean singing “Who Am I?”at the tenth anniversary concert of Les Misérables. 

 

 

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 6!

I’ve made it abundantly clear that I am obsessed with the ’90s so the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 6! will make a lot of sense to fans of the best decade of all.

Duke Basketball God Christian Laettner!

christian-laettner250

Mushroom cut aside, Christian Laettner was my crush from 1991 to 1992 when he led the Duke Blue Devils to back to back National Championships. My older sister Katie liked him first – she kept his Duke basketball card on her mirror and when I would sneak in her room to borrow her Joe Cool earrings I’d gaze longingly at Christian. “Someday we’ll be together,” I’d whisper as I gently blew him a kiss. Coincidentally, at that time I started making my first mix tapes and included the song “Someday We’ll Be Together” by Diana Ross & the Supremes, as well as “Waiting for the Night” (to kiss Christian Laettner-lyrics added by me) by Depeche Mode and “Love Is Blindness” (Because I’m 12 with a perm and you’re a super hot babe) by U2.

Red White Blue Liz

This was what I was working with around that time.

I ended up following Christian to Duke, but I swear not in a stalkerish, “Every Breath You Take” kind of way (though I did include that song on a mix tape in 1993 when he was playing for the Minnesota Timberwolves). Christian, after all, graduated in 1992 and  I matriculated at Duke in 1997. But our Duke experiences have a lot in common. His senior year, the Blue Devils won the NCAA Championship at the Metrodome in Minneapolis and my senior year, 2001, the Blue Devils won the NCAA Championship at the Metrodome in Minneapolis. The only difference is that Christian was actually playing in 1992 while I was watching in 2o01 on big screens set up in Cameron Stadium and drinking Busch Lights I snuck in my cargo pants pockets. Minor differences.

Christian retired from professional basketball in 2005 and has engaged in various business ventures since then, including real estate development and youth training camps. He divorced his wife Lisa Thibault last year after twenty years of marriage. They have three children together.

And yes, even without his mushroom cut, 47-year-old Christian’s still got it.

christianlaettner

Not gonna lie, I’m getting some young Alan Alda vibes.

So Christian, congrats on being the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 6!

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Never Forget Emme

After five straight days of writing about nothing but Catholics, you all probably think I’m ready to join a convent. Sister Liz does have a nice ring to it.

sister-act

I’d want to be at the same church as Sister Whoopi.

However, I’m not ready to abandon my secular life quite yet. But I do want to dig deep in the past. Not quite Biblical times, but close. The 1990s.

We need to talk about Emme.

emme

Emme was THE plus-sized model of the 1990s. In all honesty she might have been the only one. She was everywhere. She was crowned one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in People Magazine in 1994 AND 1999. To compare, I have not been selected as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People even once.

I never knew how to pronounce her name. Was it Emma? Em? Emay? Melissa? Well, technically it WAS the last one. She was born Melissa Owens Miller but perhaps that didn’t sound fancy and French-sounding enough for a successful model. I give her credit for not adding a useless accent over the second “e” at least. Beyoncé and Khloé Kardashian should take note.

I bring Emme up because in 2017 people seem to forget that she even existed. It’s all about Ashley Graham. She is the Marcia to Emme’s Jan. It’s always Ashley, Ashley, Ashley!

ashley-graham

Don’t get me wrong. I think Ashley Graham is a beautiful woman and I think her success is inspiring in a world where we’re told skinny is best. But what can I say? I still listen to the 10,000 Maniacs. In other words, I never left the ’90s.

Emme is still plugging along and even has a website called EmmeNation. I wonder if she is accepting citizenship applications? Because I would clearly immigrate to such a country.

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 5!

Today is the first Sunday of Lent and I skipped Mass. Oops!

But in case anyone doubts my dedication to the cause, what I won’t skip is announcing the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 5! And I think this is probably my least controversial choice of all!

Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima!

adriana-lima

I know all you pervs wanted me to post a super sexy picture of Miss Lima, but it’s Lent! We have to at least TRY to be pious.

Adriana Lima was born in Brazil and moved to New York in 1999 three years after coming in second place in the 1996 Ford Supermodels of the World contest. No, I did not come in first place. Canadian Leanne Spencer did, and she’s hard to find via google image search even when you type in “Leanne Spencer model.” But I did find her linkedin profile! Beautiful models, they’re just like us!

A devout Catholic, Lima revealed to GQ in 2006 she was still a virgin. And I thought I was a late bloomer. Beautiful models, they’re just like us!

Lima went on to marry NBA player Marko Jaric on Valentine’s Day 2009. She presumably lost her virginity that very night because she gave birth to daughter Valentina almost exactly nine months later to the day, on November 15, 2009 (hmmm, was there a little pre-marital hanky panky going on?).  Their second daughter was born on September 12, 2012. Unfortunately, or fortunately for all of you pervs, Lima and Jaric announced their separation in 2014 and finalized their divorce in 2016. What that means is that Adriana Lima is now single.

So congratulations Adriana Lima for being the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 5!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 4!

Back in the day I was a DJ at my college radio station, WXDU-FM, based out of Duke University in Durham, NC. I played super cool music from super cool artists like Spoon, The Olivia Tremor Control, and The Magnetic Fields. I saw Elliott Smith and Yo La Tengo in concert. I was, dare I say, hip.

But one of the biggest regrets I have from those years, besides seeing Titanic three times in the theater, is that I graduated in 2001 which means that I missed the advent of one of the biggest rock bands of the aughts. Yes, I’m talking about The White Stripes. While they did release a couple of albums while I was in college, their breakthrough record White Blood Cells was released on July 3, 2001, a mere two months after I graduated.

Why am I confessing to you one of my deepest secrets of my young adulthood? Well, one, I haven’t been to therapy in a while and I need a release somewhere. And two, today’s Hot Catholic of Lent is The White Stripes’ front man Jack White!

jack-white

John Anthony Gillis was born July 9, 1975 in Detroit, the youngest of ten kids. Yup, definitely sounds Catholic. He was named after John the Baptist, served as an altar boy, and considered becoming a priest before becoming a rock star. He married Meg White in 1996, taking her last name, and the following year they formed The White Stripes.

Jack and Meg divorced in 2000 (sinner!) but kept the band going till 2011 while he launched other groups like The Raconteurs and The Dead Weather. In 2005 he married model Karen Elson. While the ceremony was officiated by a shaman, it was later cosigned by a Catholic priest. They ended their marriage in 2013. Bummer!

Jack is still rocking out in Nashville, where he has lived since 2009. I’m not sure if he attends church on a regular basis, but he still knows his stuff as he revealed in the ultimate Catholic throwdown with Stephen Colbert in 2011.

So congratulations Jack White! I know you’ve won a bunch of Grammys but today you are bestowed the greatest honor. You are the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 4!

 

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 3!

It’s Day 3 of Lent. I have not played Candy Crush since Tuesday. It has been hard but it’s really increased my productivity:  now I look at people.com fifty times a minute on my phone instead! Where else am I going to learn that Prince Harry is taking his American piece to his friend’s wedding in Jamaica?

prince-harry-meghan-markle-photo-c-getty-images

I know she has a name but I’m jealous so I refuse to say it, Voldemort-style.

But enough about Harry. He’s Protestant anyway. We have more important matters at hand, like discussing who is the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 3! Drum roll please . . . .

It’s birthday boy* David Faustino!

david-faustino

I want to be married with his children!

In addition to being born born 43 years ago today, David Faustino has long served as the unofficial mascot of The DVR Files. Back when I launched the blog in 2012, I printed out business cards with this very picture on it because what exemplifies the cutting edge of current pop culture more than a pin-up photo of a mulleted teen star from ’80s? I’m totally on the pulse!

I first fell in love with David when he appeared in the classic TV movie Bride of Boogedy in 1987. That same year he landed the role that made him a star: Bud Bundy on Married . . . With Children. Since the show ended in 1997, he’s kept busy working in dynamic projects such as Dirt Merchant with Jenna Jameson and Sharknado 4: The 4th Awakens with Steve Sanders.

I always assumed David was Catholic because his last name is Italian. But I had to dig deep in my research this time. His wikipedia page made no mention of his faith, so I googled “David Faustino Catholic” and who should save the day but Oprah!

saintoprah

David appeared on an episode of Oprah: Where Are They Now? back in September where he explained that his own family was a lot tougher than those loose Bundys. He was raised Catholic and even went to Catholic school! And I was all, YES! Confirmed! David Faustino can be a Hot Catholic of Lent!

david-faustino-net-worth

Giving me a little Michael Stipe action, but he’s still got it.

So happy birthday David and congratulations on being the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 3!

*David’s birthday is March 3. I started writing this at 11:30p and then all of a sudden it became March 4 when the clock hit midnight. D’oh!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 2!

Today is Texas Independence Day so of course the Hot Catholic of Lent is going to be the late great Farrah Fawcett!

farrah-fawcett

Born and raised in Corpus Christi, Texas, she attended the parish school at St. Patrick’s Roman Catholic Church. She went to public high school and then University of Texas at Austin before moving to Hollywood in 1968. She became one of Charlie’s Angels in 1976 but left after only one season. She later on became one of God’s angels when she passed away on June 25, 2009 after a long battle with cancer, which also happened to be the same day that Michael Jackson died. Ryan O’Neal never got over that.

So congratulations, Farrah Fawcett, wherever you are! You are the Hot Catholic of Lent: Day 2!

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Hot Catholic of Lent: Ash Wednesday!

Today is the first day of Lent which for a Casual Catholic like me means I’m giving up Candy Crush for the next 40 days (slap my phone out of my hand if you see me playing it) and I’ve got some smudges on my forehead.

CandYCrsuh.jpeg

I’m going through sugar withdrawal already and it’s only Day 1.

So to honor my faith I’m drawing influence from my beloved Michael K at Dlisted (he of “Hot Slut of the Day” fame) and featuring a “Hot Catholic of Lent” on The DVR Files every day during the Easter season. Get ready!

Our first hot Catholic is none other than Josh Duhamel!

josh-duhamel

Maybe not the sexiest picture, and I should probably crop it, but f— it.

Josh is one of those guys that’s in a lot of TV shows and movies that no one’s ever seen but I know his name (though not how to pronounce it) because he is married to Fergie aka Stacy from Kids Incorporated.

stacykidsincorporated

Never forget.

Josh and Fergie got married in 2009 in a Catholic ceremony but not a Catholic church (the horror, the horror) but they repented for their sins when they baptized their son Axl Jack at the St. Martin of Tours Catholic Church in Brentwood, CA in 2013. All is forgiven!

Wikipedia tells me they are currently practicing Catholics and attend church on a regular basis.

So congratulations, Josh, on being The DVR Files’ first Hot Catholic of Lent!

 

 

 

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Give me a Boku NOW!

Today is Monday, which means if I were a kid I would be going to school. “Mom!” I’d holler as I was about to leave the house to catch the bus. “What did you pack me for lunch today?”

Mom would holler back, “A bologna sandwich, chips, a pear, Oreos, and a Hi-C Ecto Cooler!”

ecto-cooler

“What the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks, Mom? I’m in sixth grade!” Let’s just ignore that I would not be in sixth grade if I went to school today and they don’t even make Ecto Cooler anymore after a brief reboot in 2016. “I want a sophisticated juice box, like a BoKu! Is that too much to ask?”

BoKu was an “adult” juice box made from 1990 to 2003. There were no straws so you could practice your chugging action which would come in very handy years later playing flip cup in college. Moreover, BoKu’s most famous flavor was white grape juice, which would come in handy years after the flip cup when you were picking out wines from the wine store!

And best of all, Richard Lewis was the pitchman of BoKu!!!

My mom eventually came around and started treating me like the mature young adult I was. She bought BoKu when it was on sale at Market Basket (nee DeMoulas to all my fellow native New Englanders). It was very delicious and way better than Hi-C or Hawaiian Punch or H20.

 

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The Oscars Will Be Grouchy Tonight

Tonight is the Academy Awards, an evening where the Hollywood crowd pats themselves on their backs while conducting a giant circle jerk just for doing their job, which is making movies. Whoop de do. I don’t see any award ceremonies televised about the top sales people at the Gap, but what are you gonna do.

snl-gap

These girls totally would have won all of the awards. Google “SNL Gap” you young freaks who don’t get this reference.

But let’s be f—ing honest, tonight is going to be sadder than most Academy Awards and not just because they are going to make us watch montages of the most depressing scenes with the worst Boston accents from Manchester by the Sea. Nope, it’s going to be sad because this morning it was announced that actor Bill Paxton died last night due to complications following heart surgery!

bill-paxton-gloria-stuart

No! My heart will not go on!

Bill was one of those actors who was in pretty much everything in the 1990s. Well, either him, Bill Pullman, or Jeff Daniels. I always got those guys confused! In addition to his high profile role in Titanic, he appeared in one of my favorite indie movies The Last Supper and the excellent morality tale/thriller A Simple Plan. He will be missed.

So while I am broken-hearted, hopefully Celine Dion can make us feel better. I’ll never let go Bill.

 

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