Some people ask what ever happened to Baby Jane, I ask what ever happened to Rudy’s friend Peter on The Cosby Show.
He’s keeping his mouth shout on where he is today.
Well, friends, I don’t have an answer for you because it’s late and I’m tired and even though I care about you SO MUCH, I also care about my gorgeous flat-chested body that I need to wake up early tomorrow to go to the gym. But I will tell you this: I was watching an episode of Louie starring Louis CK (who knew?) from two weeks ago, and there was this chubby kid named Never (oh, yuppies!) who Louie had to babysit because his mom was getting her vagina removed. Yup, only on a tv show set in New York!
Let’s eat some raw beef!
To be fair–Peter was WAY more adorbs and not anywhere near as evil as Never. PLUS Never really looks like a cross between Peter and Lard Ass from Stand By Me, am I right?
What a natural looking fat suit. The 1980s were so innovative!
In case you forgot the essence of Rudy’s friend Peter, please review here.
While Ryan Lochte has yet to make my list of hottest Olympians of all time, I think he is doing just fine without my endorsement. After winning five medals in London (2 gold, 2 silver, 1 bronze. Hey, we can’t all be Michael Phelps), he is now back in the United states designing diamond grills! Just kidding! Even better–he is going to guest star on 90210as, wait for it, himself. #Jeah!
Are there lenses in those glasses? Eh, probably not, but at least he LOOKS smart!
This will be a real stretch for Mr. Lochte, as he has spent the past 28 years playing himself. But let’s be honest, he’s LUCKY that Valerie Malone or Brenda Walsh no longer live in Bev Hills. They’d cut a bitch if their man had a one night stand, as we know Ryan is prone to do, at least according to his mom Ike! But oh wait . . . not a SEXY one night stand. Just a one night date, because he’s, you know, SENSITIVE! I mean, look at his shoe collection. Of course he is in touch with his feminine side!
Confession: I am flat-chested. What, TMI??? Oops, too bad! It’s not like you can’t tell by looking at me! Heck, even the most miraculous push-up bra only ups me to a lower-case a cup.
This is not me, in case you are wondering. Just trying to get more straight men and lipstick lesbians to read my blog.
So while I spend nights chanting I must, I must, I must increase my bust, my cleavage sitch remains minimal. Bummer.
Imagine, however, if you had the opposite problem. Imagine if you woke up one day and all of a sudden your beautiful Double DDs were now little nubs smaller than the nipple on a baby’s bottle? What would you do? What would your BOYFRIEND do?
This doomsday situation is explored in Ghost Tits, the latest video from future huge stars and all around hilarious people Paul W. Downs and Lucia Aniello, also known as Paulilu. Set up as a preview for a fictional horror movie called, appropriately, Ghost Tits, Downs stars as a man whose girlfriend, played by The Newsroom hottie Olivia Munn, wakes up one morning without her tits! What kind of supernatural forces are at work here? L. Ron Hubbard, maybe???
And while this is not on TV (yet!) and you’re probably all Liz, this is The DVR Files, not the Computer Files, I can ASSURE you that Paul and Lucia will be working their magic soon on a boob tube near you! How can I be so sure? Well . . . not to namedrop . . . BUT I discovered Paul way back in the day when we were in a college class together where we had to watch the movie Carrie. (It was a cultural anthropology class, don’t act shocked). Paul and I sat next to each other, and he would open up his eyes really wide, Carrie-style, and while our prom was not destroyed it always made me giggle and I’d be all, do it again, Paul! And now look at him. He’s a star!
Ghost Tits was co-written by Paul W. and Lucia, directed by Lucia, shot by Chris Westlund and John Heeg, and edited by my hometown hero Rob Paglia, who hails from the Merrimack Valley of Massachusetts just like me! We even worked at the same yuppie day camp for many years, and he is BFFs with my brother Andrew and has spent Christmas at our house. How do you like dem apples?
For more awesome videos by Paulilu, check into the digital channel Above Average Productions. A new sketch will be posted every Tuesday!
I’m like a kid with ADD who needs to take her Adderall (I wish! Drugs are cool!). I know I was going to give you all the Emmy predictions, that I was going to tell you all about the hottest Olympians of all time. What happened, Liz? Well, as I mentioned yesterday I went to LONDON because I am fancy and an Anglophile. So I got a little busy.
Plus, my list of sexiest Olympians of all time has been seriously challenged as the 2012 games was muy caliente and now I have to revise. However, I will quickly list for you a couple of my loves from games past because then I have to do that terrible thing known as SHOWERING for work (Boooo!).
So here we go!
1) Alexey Popov
Russian swimmer Sexy Alexey won gold medals in the 50m and 100m freestyle in the 1992 and 1996 Olympics. All I can say is, thank God the Cold War is over, because he is on fire!
2) Gary Hall, Jr.
Let’s be honest. Gary is a fox, but in that very early ’90s way, kind of like Aaron from the Real World Season 2.
“Can I borrow a pair of acid-washed jeans, pretty please???”
But his redeeming quality, besides an exquisite jaw and fabulous hair, is his top notch swimming skills. After losing to Sexy Alexey in the 50 and 100m in Hotlanta, Gary vowed “I’ll be back!” and won the gold in the 50m in Sydney in 2000 and again in Athens in 2004, becoming the oldest American swimmer to do so at age 29 since 1924! Wow, it’s scary when 29 is the oldest at anything, besides playing a teenager on Party of Five (I’m talking to YOU Scott Wolf!).
All I can say is, thank GOD tonight is the season premiere of Intervention, because I may just need my family me to submit my application to be on the show because I am going through SEVERE Olympics withdrawal now that they are over. What can I say, I’m an addict!!!
I know all of you, my ten loyal readers, were all Where in the World is Liz Simons? And the funny thing is this would have been a good game to play because I was in fact travelling the world! Well, travelling one part of the world but tomayto, tomahto. And where was I? Well, hold on to your seats but I was in London!
Chris Hoy, the most decorated Olympian of Great Britain, waves his flag to get my attention in the Velodrome.
I have lots to tell but unfortunately a little thing called work gets in the way, so I will write more later. And tell me, how are YOU handling the end of the Olympics???
Well HERE’s a shocker: one of the stars of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is getting a divorce.
I wonder if she will get her old face back in the settlement?
That’s right, wannabe catwoman Adrienne Maloof of the Bev Hills division is breaking up with her hubby, plastic surgeon Paul Nassif. And HE is the one who filed papers! Anyone who has ever watched the show is probably not surprised, they were fighting like the Jackson family this past season. Paul was the lovable lug, Adrienne just seemed annoyed by the sight of him, but maybe that’s just her face frozen in place? Who knows . . . .
Home girl is a bajillionaire and he doesn’t do shabby himself, I’m sure, so I imagine there’s a prenup so I doubt it will get too messy. I’m a little bummed, they were so much fun the first season, so I hope he at least makes some appearances on the show!
And don’t worry, fans of love, we still have Kyle and Mauricio!
All right, you’re probably all, Liz, I thought this was the sexiest Olympians of all time. Where are the archers? Where are the badminton players? While, sure, I do agree that Rajiv Ouseph hits the birdie WAY over the hotness net, it’s still the swimmers who I want to dunk me in the pool.
Are you aiming the birdie for my heart, Ravi?
So with that I declare Australian swimmer Ian Thorpe the third hottest Olympian of all time.
Thorpe, Australian for hot babe.
I first encountered the Thorpedo on my tv screen in 2000, when he was a mere 17-year-old competing in the Sydney Olympics. It wasn’t THAT dirty because I myself was a mere 21-year-old college student. While I was at the library studying, I would record the Olympics on my VCR and watch his races when I returned to my dorm room past midnight. I’d park my ass in my beach chair and drink a beer while thinking treasonous thoughts. As much as I loved American swimmers, I loved the young Thorpe more. Just hang me now for being a traitor!
Thorpe captured three golds and two silvers in 2000, and then two golds, a silver and a bronze in 2004. And then he retired, made a few attempted comebacks, and now he’s just busy being sexy. Tough life! But hey, if he ever needs a green card he can reach out to me!
Confession: I have a weakness for swimmers. Those long, lean, possibly waxed bodies . . . they make me feel like a shark in the water and I want to devour them! Just call me Jaws!
So it should come as no surprise that my second hottest Olympian of all time is also a swimmer. Like Matt Biondi, he competed in the 1992 Olympics, capturing gold in the 100m butterfly. That’s right, I’m talking about Pablo Morales.
Raise your hand if you want to take Liz out on a date!
Pablo was the ultimate comeback kid, or actually comeback adult. In 1992 he was 27 and the oldest swimmer to win an Olympic medal. Wow, remember when I thought 27 was old? Eeeeek! He had won medals in 1984, failed to qualify in 1988, and surprised everyone in 1992 by winning the 100m butterfly. And he had a sob story, which was part of what made 12-year-old me fall in love with him (don’t judge–my favorite movie was Beaches, home girl liked to cry). His mother Blanca had just died of cancer, so this race was her! Bring out the waterworks! Plus he was Cuban and Catholic and everyone knows that combo makes me weak in the knees.
Today Pablo is still handsome and coaches the swim team at University of Nebraska. He is married with four sons who are unfortunately all too young for me, and as I’m no home wrecker I’ll just have to give up my dream of being Mrs. Morales.
Just call him Dad!
Tune in tomorrow when we visit the land down under to say hello to one of Australia’s hottest Olympians! I’m no xenophobe!
Okay, it’s Olympics time and while it is cool to see really amazing feats of athleticism, my favorite thing is seeing really good-looking people doing these amazing feats of athleticism, and in very little clothes!
So with than in mind, over the next week I am going to discuss my top choices for the hottest Olympian of all time. And we’re talking Summer Olympics, the winter ones are way too covered. And my “of all time” only goes back to 1992.
And for all my Emmy fans, don’t you fret, I’ll get back on track with my predictions soon.
Matt Biondi
You can rescue me ANYTIME, even if I’m not drowning!
Before there was Michael Phelps, there was Matt Biondi. He was a swimming super star who medaled in the 1984 and 1988 Olympics, but I only took notice of him in 1992 in Barcelona because he was so caliente: he won a couple of golds in relays and one silver in the 50 meter freestyle. And he modeled for Ray-Ban.
She’s back on the market, but her son might behead you!
Let’s be honest–I can’t believe HE didn’t file first! Yeah, yeah, I know she’s an actress and not actually Cersei in real life, but I’d still be worried if I was the one who put a ring on it. Cersei’s track with record with people in general is not very good. Sure, a Lannister always pays their debts, as Tyrion is apt to point out, but they also may kill you first! Cersei married a frigging KING and wasn’t satisfied–she kept sleeping with her twin brother Jaime who admittedly is a way sexier fox than her hubby King Robert Baratheon but is also way more evil!
He’d be great fun at a keg stand!
He may be her brother but look at that hair!
In addition to being evil (which includes such actions as pushing a kid out a window thus crippling him for life), Jaime is the biological father of Cersei’s three children, not Robert, and when my beloved Ned Stark threatened to tell the King Cersei had the King killed! What a crazy bitch! And then her son Joffrey ascended the throne and (spoiler alert) killed Ned! What a son of a crazy bitch!
So Peter, run way. And honestly, let her have full custody of your two-year-old son Wylie, because who knows if he’s even yours!
Disclaimer . . . I don’t know any of these people so I am totally just speculating on their marriage and talking trash because the only Lannister I like is Tyrion!
The DVR Files 