God who didn’t love THIS commercial in the 1980s???
I STILL hum this jingle 20+ years later. “Skinny sticklets, fat with flavor, Skinny Sticklets taste so fat!” Hehe. You know this would never make it on the air now, even if the pack had 88 sticks of gum, not a measly 7.
Do NOT get me wrong. I am an adult woman born to parents who love me very much. They bought me great toys growing up, like Rainbow Brite dolls and the She-Ra Castle and Rub-a-Dub Doggie. I even like to travel with them as a grown-up, especially if they pay for it!
It’s always sunny in the land of the cool, as we obviously are!
That said, I would TOTALLY not object if someone famous and rich would like to adopt me. And we have SO many good choices. Let’s discuss, shall we?
1) Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley
I’m not a racist, but Asian babies really are the cutest.
An unusual choice, yes, but she’s a former tv actress and we needed to connect this post to the DVR, somehow. Katherine and her hubby have adopted two ADORABLE little girls, and I think they need to add a redhead to the bunch, though it MIGHT be a little weird because I’m the same age as Katherine.
2) Denise Richards
She makes single motherhood look not complicated.
Denise, as we know, had two beautiful daughters with ex-husband Charlie Sheen. After the divorce, she adopted Eloise Joni on her own. Let’s be motherf—ing honest–the only BAD part about being adopted by Denise now is that Charlie would not be our stepfather. Sooooo not #winning!
3) Brangelina
Sorry, but Shiloh is my favorite.
You knew I was going to go there. Brad and St. Angelina have already adopted like a gazillion kids, what’s one more? They don’t even seem to ever go to school. They just travel around the world wearing cool clothes and going toy-shopping. I could handle that.
4) Tom Cruise
Tom adopted two kids, Isabella and Connor, with second wife Nicole Kidman.
Never forget first wife Mimi Rogers, people.
When Tom and Nicole divorced, Tom got full custody of the kidz and today he is raising them as Scientologists and they’re basically estranged from Nicole, or so the gossip rags imply! The pros to being Tom Cruise’s kids is you can be a professional DJ at 17. The downside is that you know he loves his (questionably) biological daughter Suri the best.
Wow, so many great adopted parents! Who would I use? Interestingly enough, I’m gonna go with Denise Richards as I am too old to be Katherine Heigl’s child and not sanctimonious enough to be St. Angie’s daughter. Tom Cruise might be fun, but my thetan got in a fight with Xenu, so it probably wouldn’t work out. So Denise it is!
Do you ever hear about a murder and think to yourself, this will make a really great Lifetime movie/Law & Order episode/Dateline special?
Well, the race is on in to see who will get this on tv first in one of the most bizarre crimes I’ve read about in a while, and I read a LOT. US Open ref Lois Ann “Lolo” Goodman was just arrested in New York for murdering her husband with a MUG back in Cali!
She kind of looks like a Russian mobster. I’d stay away!
Home girl has battled John McEnroe on the court, her poor husband did not stand a chance!
And yes, I know I am very insensitive and probably going to Hell. But Hell is probably way more fun than Heaven anyway. As long as I wear sunscreen.
I bet you read that headline and were all, Liz, I know there is a lot of bad television, but usually you try to stay positive! And you’d be right! See, I tricked you with that headline. What I am REALLY saying is what a terrible GRANT Show!
Jo is not the only one whose heart was broken by Jake Hanson!
Grant Show has been on a staple on our television screens since 1992, when he first appeared as Kelly Taylor’s love interest Jake Hanson, brooding biker, on Beverly 90210. He proved so studly with lady fans that he inspired his own spin off, Melrose Place, which went on for about 50 years even though it should have only lasted three. He’s since appeared in the shows Swingtown, the Emmy-worthy Lifetime production Natalee Holloway, and soon will star on his very own Lifetimes series Devious Maids. Swoon!
So–why am I calling Jake, I mean Grant, terrible? Well . . . he just got married, and not to me! I mean . . . I couldn’t marry Matt Fielding now, could I? I think he likes men . . . .
Don’t tell anyone, but he married crazy bitch Sydney Andrews in real life!
While I SHOULD be wishing Grant well, it does break my heart a bit. I take this personally because way back in the day when I was a student at Duke, Grant starred in a play on our campus. He used to hang out at the now defunct campus bar the Hideaway (rest in peace) and I remember seeing him there. He was short but cool. And now off the market.
I guess there are just no good men in that sex-filled apartment complex Melrose Place. Sigh. Life is so unfair.
Speaking of commercials, did anyone else feel like they became bilingual after watching this commercial way back in the day?
Though, must admit, I prefer my pizza with sauce and crust. Now, if I could just find a Storck Chocolate Riesen for dessert . . . anyone know where Mrs. Lange lives? Bavaria?
One of the best things about using a VCR in the 1980s is that you often taped the commercials when you were, say, recording the classic tv movie Bride of Boogedy. And while in this crazy DVR culture world we often fast forward through the commercials, watching them 20+ years after they first aired can be a real treat!
That’s why I love visiting my parents and popping in the copy of Jaws we recorded in 1986 on network television. I am reminded of a kinder, easier time, when crispy chicken nuggets were a reason to celebrate.
Commercials were not only entertaining, but mysterious. How many children grew up wondering what the hell ring around the collar was? When I’d go shopping with my mom at Demoulas in the North Andover Mall, I’d be all, Mom, we have to get Wisk! The powder stuff won’t out ring around the collar, even though I don’t wear collared shirts or even know what it is!
And then after reading Are You There God, It’s Me, Margaret in fourth grade, I dreamed about puberty. I was certainly scared of getting my period, but at least I knew what deodorant I would use!
I had no idea women were more acidic than men. Thanks Secret!
I feel bad for thr youth of today that skip commercials. They are missing out.
Confession: I am an adult. As an adult, I like adult things like wine, beer, bars, and tapas. I even like a good old-fashioned scandal. There was this REALLY shocking one back in 2005 that I still talk about. See, there was this actor Brad Pitt. He starred in all kinds of great movies like Kalifornia, Too Young To Die?, and Thelma & Louise.
Why yes, you may seduce me.
Brad was a HUGE celebrity, and he was married to this talented actress Jennifer Aniston who had once starred on this awesome tv series called Ferris Bueller and as an extra in Mac and Me. But then he made this movie called Mr. and Mrs. Smith, featuring this up and coming goth girl named Angelina Jolie, who had big lips and a famous pedigree–her dad was Midnight Cowboy Jon Voight. I guess Brad thought his career would go further if he dated her?
To make a short story long, Brad ended up leaving Jen and had like a bazillion kids with Angelina. Jen has since found love with actor and sculpted-eyebrow-lover Justin Theroux, but it took FOREVS!
Do you think they share grooming tips?
So as you can see, I love a good scandal. But one that I absolutely cannot get behind is Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson. One, because I am over 13, so I don’t CARE about Twilight. Twinkly vampires are super lame. Plus, did anyone really buy them as a couple anyway? They were like the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes of the tween set. Come on. That said, why mourn for poor Robert? He’s a famous and an (arguably) hot 26-year-old. He could bang as many chicks as he wants! Shouldn’t this be the time to do so? Now he’s free to spread his seed!
It makes me think which other couples are shoved down our face via Us Weekly and E! News that we’re supposed to believe spend the night in the same bed. I don’t watch Glee but unfortunately due to People Magazine’s Star Tracks I know that Cory Monteith and Lea Michele (never trust a girl with two first names!) are supposedly a couple. I just don’t buy it. I wonder what kind of scandal the masterminds behind this relationship will cook up when either one of them wants out? Maybe Lea will wind up with Chris Colfer? Or better yet Jane Lynch??? A girl can wish!
Okay, gotta run to work.
Peace, love, and (speculating) gossip-
Liz
We all know that Hollywood is filled with SO many original ideas. So many, in fact, that they recycle tv shows that have been off the air just ten years (I’m talking to YOU 90210!). Sometimes they go as far as twenty years (read: Dallas). And now there are even talks of a Brady Bunch reboot, co-developed and executive produced by the once hot Vince Vaughn.
Let’s be honest, he’s probably WAY more money now, strictly speaking.
All this nostalgia made me think, what shows would I want them to remake next? The obvious choice is Golden Girls, but given that the powers that be just cast 58-year-old Ellen Barkin as a grandmother to a 20-something chick on the upcoming The New Normal, I don’t trust H’wood with any ladies of a certain age. Heck, I’m probably old enough to be a Memaw according to their rules!
Also–I don’t want a remake. I want a sequel. That’s the essential agreement in what makes Dallas one of the biggest hits of the year. Parents love J.R. and Bobby, the younguns unfortunately love Jesse Metcalfe. Hey, there’s no accounting for taste.
So with that in mind, here are a few shows that I’d love see revamped.
Roseanne –Granted, the series finale in 1997 ended up being fiction (bummer, man) but let’s just ignore that because I want John Goodman on my tv again. The relationship between Roseanne and Dan was was probably one of the most real ever.
Rags to Riches-Every girl born between 1976 and 1981 LOVED this show, even though it only lasted a season and a half. For those in the dark, it was a show set in the 1950s (or ’60s, who the hell could tell!) where five girls were adopted by a man named Nick Foley. And they sang. Boy did they sing.
Yup, that’s Tisha Campbell that you just saw!
So–what show would like to see back on tv???
Let me be honest: I think Ryan Lochte is hot in a very dbaggy way, such that I’d be HAPPY to have a one-night-stand with him (Sorry Mom!) but I wouldn’t let him buy me breakfast the next morning, because I know he’d be all judgmental. “I’d like the Eggs Benny with extra hollandaise sauce, please!” I’d tell the waiter. Then I’d look over at Ryan and say, “the sauce is REALLY healthy! They add bacon fat to it!” Ryan would reply, “But bacon fat is BAD for you, Liz. Ask if they can make the sauce without it.” He probably wouldn’t even let me get a mimosa.
Wouldn’t want to get any food stuck in the grill!
Am I projecting? Yes. But the thing is, this conversation is a very real possibility for SOMEONE if Ryan is chosen to be the next Bachelor on the eponymous ABC show The Bachelor. Ryan, you see, is looking for love, and what better to find it than a tv show with a 6.25% success rate. I don’t even watch this show and I am excited! Can you imagine the dialogue from brainiac Ryan? “Is this REALLY the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, Chris?” he’d ask. “Because you said that last week. Can it be most dramatic two weeks in a row?”
Ryan’s dance card is quite full: appearances on 90210 and Jay Leno, among other things that I’m too lazy to look up. There’s also talk of him competing on Dancing With The Stars. Honestly, I think he should be on every reality show ever. Heck, he’d be great on Hoarders! “I have so many shoes and Speedoes. And medals. Lots and lots of medals.”
And don’t get me started if they ever brought back the show Weakest Link. There isn’t a high bar set for athletes so Ryan would fit in just fine! Just ask fellow Olympian Andy Roddick.
Well this is exciting. One of the few Real Housewives who is actually a wife just gave birth to her fourth child (by her third baby daddy, but who am I to judge. I just write a blog!). That’s right, Kim Zolciak and her footballing hubster Kroy Biermann just gave birth to their second son together named, wait for it, Kash Kade. Don’t you feel guilty using all these Ks when you’re not even a Kardashian?
Kim and Kroy, always keeping it klassy.
I just can’t wait to see what her next hit single will be. Maybe “Baby, Don’t Ruin My Wig!”? At any rate, t will be very tough to follow up “Don’t be Tardy for the Party” and “The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing.” Perhaps she can just start a fashion line since She by Sheree never made it to the stores. How dreadful!
The DVR Files 