The DVR Files

Okay folks, sorry for my absence yesterday. I know you were eagerly anticipating my selection for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series, but I was just a LITTLE too distraught to write yesterday as one of my favorite lead actors in not one but two comedy series–though he never actually won an Emmy–passed away yesterday! Yes, my friends, I am talking about my friend and yours, Sherman Hemsley, aka George Jefferson, aka Deacon Earnest Frye. Can I get an Amen as he’s movin’ on up to heaven???

One cool cat till the end

I could go on and on about Sherman, but this DVR-phile has to take a shower and go to work, so let’s move on, not up. RIP Sherman Hemsley.

Okay, so the other day I chose Julia Louis-Dreyfus as the winner of the Emmy for Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series . Let’s discuss her male counterpart. Here are the nominees:

Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory

Larry David as Himself in Curb Your Enthusiasm

Don Cheadle as Marty Kaan in House of Lies

Louis C.K. as Louie in Louie

Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy in 30 Rock

Jon Cryer as Alan Harper in Two and a Half Men

First of all, notice that there are only 6 nominees as opposed to the 7 women that were nominated for lead actress. See, WOMEN ARE FUNNY! Second, this will be easy since I only watch half the shows and I’m running late so while you, my readers, are an absolute top priority in my life, so is my paycheck from my job. Let’s go on.

First, I’m eliminating Jon Cryer because he’s on the show Two and a Half Men. He peaked 25 years ago as Duckie in Pretty in Pink.

At least his character’s name is not Blaine. That’s a major appliance!

Second, Jim Parsons is out because he won last year and I don’t watch The Big Bang Theory.

This breaks my heart but I have to cross Don Cheadle off the list not only because I don’t get Showtime (though I’m reconsidering my stance), but because he should have won 20 years ago for his supporting role in the greatest spin off in the history of the world, The Golden Palace.

I’d check into a hotel where Cheadle is working, especially in Miami, which is so nice that I’ll say it thrice!

And then there were three: Alec, Larry, and Louis. As much as I love Alec as Jack Donaghy, I can’t get over his personal life and how rude he is to flight attendants and baristas at Starbucks, so he will not receive the Emmy. And while Curb is perhaps my favorite comedy of all time, is it really so difficult for Larry to play Himself, a neurotic Jew?

Which brings me to my final candidate, Louis C.K., who also plays himself, sort of, so I guess my last point against Larry is moot. Whatevs. However, there is something so earnest and genuine and really about Louis on this show that I really want him to win the Emmy. In this season’s episode “Miami,” he explores the fleeting joy of vacation and meeting a potential new friend. It’s a simple story, but an interesting one, and his conversation with Ramon the hot young lifeguard where they are trying to figure out if one of them is gay is priceless. Of course, I can’t find the video of this but I do have a picture!

Miami is nice, and I’ll say it thrice . . . again. And so are those biceps. 

The verdict:

Who I Want to Win: Louis C.K.

Who Will Win: Jim Parsons–everyone loves a geek!

Hey all!

I’m baaaaack! And today we are going to continue my mission in predicting who will win the Emmys. Yesterday I selected Curb Your Enthusiasm for Outstanding Comedy Series. Today, the big question is who will win Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series. Spoiler alert: it’s not me!

Here are the nominees:

Lena Dunham as Hannah Horvath in Girls

Let’s just hope that Lena picks out a better outfit for the Emmys than Hannah would.

Melissa McCarthy as Molly Flynn in Mike & Molly

Zooey Deschanel as Jess Day in New Girl

Edie Falco as Jackie Peyton in Nurse Jackie

Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation

Tina Fey as me, I mean Liz Lemon, in 30 Rock

Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer in Veep

This category is very near and dear to me because I love funny women. And all of these actresses, even the one I don’t like (we’ll get into that later) are smart and talented in ways that go beyond acting. And a few of them are very unconventional in their looks, like Edie and Lena. It’s nice to see someone normal looking on tv. Granted, they’re on premium channels, but baby steps.

The problem I have with this category is of the seven nominees I only watch four of the shows on a regular basis (Girls, 30 Rock, New Girl, and Veep). I watch Parks sporadically, and I’ve never seen an episode of Mike & Molly or Nurse Jackie. There is no excuse for not watching the former as it is on a broadcast tv, but Nurse is on Showtime and home girl can only afford one premium channel so I went with HBO because of Game of Thrones, Curb (if it ever comes back!), True Blood, and Boardwalk Empire. But Showtime has soooo many good shows now–I am DYING to see Homeland because it is nice to Angela Chase working again–so I suppose I will just have to find a guy online who subscribes to it, and then I’ll date him and spend the night when those shows air! What a good plan!

I always thought Angela would join an organic farm collective, not the CIA!

But despite not watching half of these shows, I am still perfectly capable of making a sound judgment, because why not.

Let’s start by eliminating my least favorite person nominated: Lena Dunham. I have made it no secret how I feel about Girls. I can’t stand any of the entitled characters, and it makes me hate New York, which is not ideal because I live there! However, I WILL give Lena credit for creating, writing, directing, and starring in this show. And not just because she’s young. That’s incidental. It’s rare that we get to see a woman in this kind of creative role, period, so I will begrudgingly give her props. I should also thank her for not setting the show in Queens, my home borough.

I am striking Melissa McCarthy from consideration because she won last year, which everyone really knows was a consolation prize for not winning the best supporting actress Oscar for Bridesmaids (which, eek, I also have not seen, though I have it recorded on my DVR!). And even though I love Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, I found 30 Rock a bit grating this season and I just don’t watch enough Parks to give Amy the Emmy. As for Zooey, love New Girl but if anyone should get an Emmy for that show it’s Schmidt (so now you know who I’ll choose for Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series!).

So now we’re left with two: Edie Falco and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. This is a tough one. I am a huge Edie fan from her work on The Sopranos and Oz. And everyone cool who watches Nurse Jackie says it’s one of the best shows on television. However, if I’m going to dismiss Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler because I don’t watch their shows, I don’t think it’s right that I give the Emmy to Edie. Plus, bish won Emmys in 1999, 2001, and 2003 for Sopranos and in 2010 for Nurse. Her mantle is adequately decorated if you ask me.

Soooo . . . I declare the winner of Outstanding Leading Actress in a Comedy Series to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Veep! She truly rocks in this role plus it’s fun to see her break the Seinfeld curse.

Now, if only the POTUS would call her back!

In conclusion:

Who I Want to Win: Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Who Will Win: Gosh, not sure. They have a tendency to pass it around and Amy’s been nominated three times and never has won so I’ll go with her.

See you tomorrow when we discuss Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series!

Hey folks. I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written. Well, 3 days. Whoops. I had a really busy week with a couple comedy shows and that thing I call work. Bummer, I know. But we have a LOT to talk about as Emmy nominations were announced on Thursday.

I can’t decide which of these two outfits I would wear if I were ever nominated for an Emmy. They are both SO classy!

What I’ve decided to do for you, my fans, is every day examine one of the main categories and discuss who I think should win, because obviously I am the most qualified person to do so as the reputable founder of The DVR Files.

Let’s begin with Outstanding Comedy Series, shall we?

So here are the nominees:

Curb Your Enthusiasm, Girls, 30 Rock, Veep, The Big Bang Theory, and, hold your breath, Modern Family. Shocker, that last one is.

The good thing about this category is I watch every single one of these shows except for The Big Bang Theory, which my mom loves. She also loves Two and a Half Men, so . . . yeah, we won’t go there. I’m by no means an elitist viewer–I watch the Dallas reboot and if I miss an episode of Hoarders I eat all the mint dark chocolate espresso beans I stockpiled from Trader Joe’s–but even Mayim Bialik can’t save this show for me. And she was once Blossom! I admit I’m biased against it, so I definitely don’t think it will win the Emmy.

That leaves us with Curb, Girls, 30 Rock, Veep, and Modern Family. I am removing Girls from consideration, because even though I hate-watched every episode, I don’t want to encourage Hannah’s hideous taste in clothes or entitled Brooklynites in their early to mid 20s. Please, I meet enough of them on a daily basis. I am also removing 30 Rock because I wish Kenneth would die (he is my least favorite person on the show, his schtick is getting old) and Alec Baldwin needs age appropriate women for him on the show and in real life.

So now we’re left with three shows I truly love: Curb Your Enthusiasm, Veep, and Modern Family. I’m a little annoyed Louie is not there, but whatever, I’ll get over it. Curb seems like it was on so long ago but then I remember Palestinian Chicken, lesbians in Central Park, and Bill Buckner and my heart warms up. This latest season was strong but a but a bit inconsistent. I thought it would be amazing set in New York City, but I feel that it came up slightly short. And not just because it featured Michael J. Fox as a guest star in the season finale. But the entire season was redeemed by this kid:

Next we have Veep, which was my favorite new comedy of the year, but it might have been the only new comedy I actually watched. Whatevs, it was still good. Julia Louis-Dreyfus killed it as vice president Selina Meyer. It was refreshing to see a smart, kick ass woman on tv who, while bumbling often, was not made to look like an idiot because of her sex (I’m talking to YOU, Newsroom!). Coupled with a strong supporting cast and excellent writing, Veep has the potential to win the election. Oh, I went there.

And then, of course, there is Modern Family. What’s surprising about this show is it’s popular and it’s still cool to be on the bandwagon. Maybe because it is really, really well done. Of all the nominees, it is the most consistently strong. I can’t think of a single episode where I did not pee in my pants laughing, and I don’t even wear diapers! Plus, it did the absolute impossible: made me forget that Ed O’Neill was Al Bundy. Though I wish Manny would get off my screen. Since he’s so smart, maybe they can send him to college early–out of state.

I can’t wait to see what age appropriate outfit 14-year-old Ariel Winter/Alex Dunphy will wear to this year’s Emmys!

So, after disseminating all six nominees, here is my prediction:

Who I Want to Win: Curb Your Enthusiam

Who Will Win: Modern Family

Make sure to check in tomorrow when I explore  who is the best actress in a comedy series!

Okay, so I don’t REALLY care what Emma Roberts does. Home girl is rich, has famous relatives, and is more than ten years younger than me. Bitch doesn’t need my advice, she’s doing just fine, thankyouverymuch.

HOWEVER, my beloved bible People Magazine asks us THIS question: Are Emma Roberts and Evan Peters–Tate from American Horror Story, dating??? Truly, does anyone give a f—? I highly doubt it. Emma played Nancy Drew after all, the lady can snoop around and draw her own conclusions.

Ahhh, to be 15 again and listen to Nirvana and think this dude is sexy and deep, and not just dead!

But as a fan of the half camp, half scary show American Horror Story–I mean, how can you not die when Zachary Quinto warns his cheating partner to “make sure you wear a condom”–I want Emma to run, like poor Violet never did! Yes, Tate/Evan is sexy/cute in that 17-year-old way when you discover Sylvia Plath and cigarettes, but he’s also dead, violent, and has a crazy mom. Go away Emma!

Now I gotta go to work. See you laterz!

I am absolutely NOT a fan of murder. It would be a terrible thing to happen to me! However, I AM a fan of people from Rhode Island, and also shows ABOUT murder. So, when you combine the two I just want to party with an Awful Awful from the Newport Creamery in the Garden City Center in Cranston.

Yes, it’s a drink, and it’s awful big and awful good!

You can imagine my delight, then , when I first caught the episode “Shelley’s Last Breath” on 48 Hours Mystery on May 8, 2010. This show featured David Swain, a diving instructor from Jamestown, RI–where my very own aunt had once lived!!! David was married to Shelley Tyre, an administrator at a private high school in Massachusetts. Oh, I thought, I can hear the accents already! Anyway, David and Shelley went on a trip to Tortola to go Scuba diving with another couple. And then, sadly, Shelley died while underwater. Yikes!

To make a long story short, David ended up getting convicted of her murder–he allegedly pulled off her diving equipment while they were in underwater. Yes, I’m often flippant, but it is really sad.  And “Shelley’s Last Breath” ended with David in a Caribbean jail (which is SO not as glamorous and fun as you’d think, apparently), vowing to appeal his sentence because he’s an innocent man. I was all, whatever David, it’s always the husband.

Flash forward to January 21 of this year, when 48 Hours Mystery reran the story. My DVR picked it up, which confused me because I had already seen it. Whatever, I thought, I have nothing better to do despite the fact that I am a beautiful single woman in a bustling city. So I watched it, and low and behold, there was an update at the end! David Swain’s sentence was overturned and he was a free man back in, you got it, Rhode Island! Let’s break out the Del’s Frozen Lemonade and celebrate!

Now that’s a fruit juice!

Now, this would be the end of the story EXCEPT that this past weekend I was catching up on all my shows and I saw that 48 Hours Mystery’s arch nemesis Dateline told its OWN version of the David Swain/Shelley Tyre case on July 6 called “The Last Dive”! What the H-E-double hockey sticks, I thought to myself. But again, nothing better to do so I watched hoping that there would be yet ANOTHER twist! Maybe David brought another wife to the Caribbean and she died diving too, Drew Peterson-style. But . . . no. No new updates. It was pretty much the EXACT same story, though the Dateline version had a couple more friends from Little Rhody with wicked awesome accents.

So, true crime shows, please don’t get a fan excited. Had I know the Dateline offered nothing new, I wouldn’t have wasted an hour! It’s kind of like racing to the moon. Once America did it, why did Russia even bother?

Now I am just going to eat and drink my sorrows away with a stuffed quahog and a coffee milk.

Oh Jesus F—ing Christ.

Anne Hathaway was super sad after she cut her hair to star as ho Fantine in Les Miserables.

I dreamed a dream that I had my hair back! And that my ex-boyfriend Raffaello never went to prison!

Yeah, yeah, I know Anne isn’t a tv star. I don’t think I’ve ever even DVR’ed anything she’s been in! However, I did watch the Oscars that she hosted with the walking dead actor known as James Franco.

Where’s the weed?

Now I don’t hate Anne. She seems nice enough, even though her ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri pretended to be BFFs with the Pope. But bish, please. You get paid a lot of dinero to star in movies. While I know your long locks are a precious commodity, I bet you’re not going to die like Fantine and leave your daughter Cosette behind who then sings an annoying song about castles in the clouds. You know what’s cool about hair, Anne? It grows back!!!

So many women are deathly afraid to cut their tresses because they see it as a symbol of their femininity, their womanhood, and dudes like it. Am I generalizing and making assumptions on every women with long hair? Hell yes! That’s just who I am! Short hair rules!

That George Clooney, he sure is a talented actor! And so handsome too! He’s won an Oscar, he dates hot chicks, and he owns a villa in Rome! And did you know he was raised Catholic just like this girl???

Liz, I’ll go fix the lightbulb that is over our heads!

So I am going to pray to Jesus because, sure, George has won an Oscar for best supporting actor (Syriana, did anyone actually see it???). Sure he starred in The Descendants which made me cry and cry and cry. And sure, his aunt is the late great Rosemary Clooney . . . but know what is not so sure? George doesn’t know his roots. His roots are tv. And I want him back.

I always knew George was going to be a big star when I first met him as handyman George Burnett on the seminal show The Facts of Life. He really knew how to handle Jo! And then he was great as Detective Falconer on every man’s favorite show Sisters. When he first starred on ER in 1994, everyone was all, that George, look at the Ceasar haircut! And I was all, I’ve been a fan for nearly 10 years! Jump on the Clooney train. Choo choo!

And then he became too cool for school and decided to become a movie star in 1999. And succeeded. Yes, I love him in movies (I’m talking to YOU Three Kings, The Perfect Storm, and the aforementioned The Descendants) but I loved him even more when he played a detective on an episode of Golden Girls. So George, stop being the big guy and come back to the boob tube! If you want to be all classy about it, just do a series on HBO!

Love-

Liz

Well here’s bad news for horny boys, horny old men, and horny lesbians everywhere-Sofia Vergara MAY be engaged to politician wannabe and otherwise average looking guy Nick Loeb. Sofia’s Mexican-based rep denies it, but she was seen celebrating her 40th birthday wearing a gigantic ring.

He must have a good personality, or be rich!

Now, normally in these situations we’d be all Mazel tov!, but for some reason I am YAWNING over this potential engagement. I love Sofia so much as Gloria on Modern Family. She’s beautiful but funny and can poke fun of herself. But Sofia as Sofia the real person with a boyfriend annoys me because she and Nick are that classic couple that are always breaking up and getting back together again. “Oh Leeeez,” she’d whine to to me. “Neeeck is a deeesaster. He’s always buying me nice things and sufffocaaaating me! Wah wah wah!” She’d swear that they’re donzo, and then next week she’s back posting pics to Facebook of their trip to San Lucia or wherever rich famous people go (probably not Club Med Turks and Caicos, which is awesome by the way!). And you as the friend are all, “Ugh, enough already!” But then again if Sofia is my friend hopefully she buys me dinner a lot since she’s rich and can afford it. So I’d keep her on retainer.

Anyway, Nick is an aspiring politician in FLORIDA so I say enter at your risk, Sofia, kind of like I tell the swimmers in the movie Jaws.

Bye!

So . . . today was one of those days for me. One, it was Monday, and I hadn’t been to work since Thursday. Two, I took NyQuil after 5am because I couldn’t fall asleep so I was drowsy at work. And three, I got home late and had to cook my OWN dinner. Life is so unfair! I want a wife or mom to take care of me!

After sauteing some spinach, mushrooms, and a turkey burger (it was actually way more depressing than it sounds, because I am TERRIBLE at sauteing), I brought my dinner over to my tv table which is conveniently located in front of my tv. I was in a pissy mood so I needed to watch something light. Dateline and 48 Hour Mystery were not going to make the cut, so I decided on the season premiere of my fellow ginge Louie. The episode was fittingly called “Something Is Wrong” and it was about a very bad day in the life of Louis C.K. Preach!

Now that my car has been totaled, maybe I’ll buy a motorcycle . . . .

Now, they say “Misery loves company” . . . and so does Liz! Louie made me feel okay. See, first Louie made his girlfriend break up with him. And know who his girlfriend was played by? Gaby Hoffmann, the former child star of such hits as Now and Then, Sleepless in Seattle, and Uncle Buck! And I was especially happy to her because home girl is only 30 in real life but she looks older than I do (hint–I’m over 30, but not by a LOT or anything!).

I bet Louis wanted her to say “If you build it they will come” during sex ALL THE TIME!

Don’t get me wrong, Gaby is still adorbs, but it is nice to see an actress look like someone you would actually know.

So as I was saying, Louie gets dumped–sort of–then he his car gets crushed by construction, then he buys a motorcycle because why not, and then he crashes that too and has to go to the hospital! Oh Louie!

I don’t know why but this was just what I needed to watch. It actually made me appreciate that my sh– ain’t all that bad. Life is good.

And that’s as positive and upbeat as you’ll ever find me on this blog, until they resurrect Bea Arthur, Estelle Getty, and Rue McClanahan from the dead to join Betty White in a Golden Girls revival.

Bad news for fans of crime television starring senior citizens. Andy Griffith has died! Yes, I know it’s been a few days but it’s taken me some time to process. The man was 86, so he had a nice, long life.

I wish I had a red-headed daughter named Liz to be a sibling to Opie!

Even though Griffith was a Carolina Tarheel, I still admired his tenacity in putting the bad guys behind bars on Matlock (though, truthfully, I never watched an episode). Let’s pray that Angela Lansbury and Dick Van Dyke are not next to go. Diagnosis: Live Forever, I wrote!