Just me? Okay then . . . .
While I know it is a quite a disadvantage to have a chronic disease, I wanted asthma SO BAD in the 1980s because I wanted to join Superman’s club Super Stuff, where you got all sorts of neat things in the mail about asthma. You had puzzles, pamphlets, probably even word searches! Look at how much fun it was!
Who needs to breathe?
Well, if I can’t get the super cool kit, maybe my mom will order me the books Time Life: Mysteries of the Unknown. A girl can wish!
I mean, look at them!
This bitch will totally beat the hare.
That said, I adore human babies too! When my friends announce their pregnant, I’m all, call me when you buy them Legos because I will be over all day!
So you can imagine my absolute JOY when Homeland star Claire Danes announced she was pregnant and expecting, you’ve got it, a HUMAN BABY! Oh, what a surprise. And oh, get over yourself.
Claire Danes, self-important since she was Angela Chase
Here’s the thing. I am happy for Claire and her husband Hugh Dancy. Woohoo! And I can even understand wanting to keep the baby’s sex a secret. However, don’t act all smug about it. Just lie and say you’re waiting to you pop it out to find out if it is a boy or a girl. Don’t go on the important news show Live! With Kelly and tell us it’s a human. I kind of figured that part out, silly!
I know it seems like your DVR-phile has been talking a LOT of trash about celebrities lately. This past week alone I’ve debated if LeAnn Rimes or Kim Kardashian is the biggest fame whore, I’ve mocked Heidi Klum for possibly fornicating with the help, and then I questioned the validity of how long Nina Dobrev pined for costar Ian Somerhalder. Do not fear, friends, I do in fact LOVE famous people. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, for example, are my favorite couple ever and I will chop off Ben’s nuts if he ever cheats on Jen. Yes, they are big movie stars now, but they got their start on the boob tube. Jen on Alias and Ben on the classic PBS mini series The Voyage of the Mimi.
He’ll always be C.T. to me.
Famous people are just like you and me. And just like you and me, sometimes I like them, sometimes I don’t. And because I like YOU, I’ll leave you with a clip from The Voyage of the Mimi. Sing the theme song with me! Do do do do do, do do do do do do do!
Jesus F—ing Christ. Sometimes I hate famous people.
Case in point: 23-year-old Nina Dobrev, former teenage mom on Degrassi and current star of the CW series Vampire Diaries reveals that she just could NOT help falling in love with her 33-year-old costar Ian Somerhalder on set. She reveals to Seventeen, via People:
“I didn’t want to be dating one of my costars. My goal on the show was to be professional. But sometimes you can’t help who you have a connection with, and you can only fight it for so long – which I did for a really, really long time.”
Look at their matching Blue Steels.
Bish, please. Your show has been on three years. That’s your “really, really long time?” I loved a boy named Steve from seventh grade on, and he STILL won’t accept my Facebook friend request!
Also–while Nina is really adorable, she’s 23 and Ian’s 33. Why she gotta steal all the men my age? Plus, he’s way too pretty. I could see them going the LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian route if they tie the knot. Watch your back Nina!
What would James Tiberius Yorke think of his meatball sandwich falling for another man? Oh right, it wouldn’t matter because he is dead. (This is a Degrassi reference if I must be a regular old Encyclopedia Brown for all you non-fans. See, J.T. dated Mia (played by Nina) who had a 3-year-old daughter even though she herself looked 12. J.T. was not the father of this baby, though he HAD knocked up his ex-girlfriend Liberty, who gave up THEIR baby for adoption. Got it? Good. Anyway, J.T. went to a party where he told his friend Toby that Liberty was like oatmeal and Mia was like a meatball sub and sometimes you want oatmeal, whatever the hell that means. And then J.T. got stabbed.)
It just drives me bananas when Hollywood actors, even if they come from Canada as Nina does, complain about how HARD their love lives are. Jamie Kennedy, who went to the same high school as my dad (different times though!) AND showed such promise in Scream, recently did the same thing when he moaned to People that not one single person in the world supported his year long romance with Jennifer Love Hewitt. Know why? Because they didn’t care!
I hope this wasn’t after Labor Day!
Look, I get it. Famous people have feelings too. But I just dare them to try OKCupid. Then they won’t be whining so much!
Hey kidz.
I am in the midst of a HUGE dilemma. See, I love tv and I also love breathing, eating, sleeping, working (well, that’s debatable) and generally just being alive, you know what I mean? And just like I have to budget my money I also have to budget my tv watching. Even with the DVR, there is simply not enough time to watch everything I want!
One such show that I REALLY want to watch is Sons of Anarchy, which starts its fifth season on Tuesday September 11 at 10p and stars Beauty and the Beast alum Ron Perlman.
He’ll always be Vincent to me!
Sons also features super hotty English actor Chalie Hunnam, who is reason enough to watch.
Yes please!
My friend Lori, who enjoys tv as much as I do, swears by this show. So do billions of my FB friends. The thing is, I’m four seasons behind. “Netflix!” you suggest to me. Well, I just don’t have the energy or time to catch up! What do I do?
So my question for die hard SAMCRO fans . . . is this show worth watching? Do I have to start at the beginning? If not, which seasons can I skip?
Thank you for your time.
Hey all!
This weekend brought a lot of tv watching and even a bit of drinking. Uh oh spaghetti-o! And if you’re Heidi Klum, it also brought allegations of fornicating with the help!
You can bodyguard me!
Estranged hubby Seal did just that when he was all, Heidi should have more class than banging her long-term bodyguard, pictured above. I’m paraphrasing, of course. But damn, that’s harsh!
What a bummer. I miss the days when Heidi would constantly talk about how great her sex life is, like this interview in Glamour in June, 2011: “My husband and I just had a “sexy week” in London. I’d put on a super-short skirt with a garter belt on underneath so that when I’d sit, he could see it. It’s fun to sauce it up a little bit.”
Me think the lady doth protest too much. That said, it’s a bummer because there are four kids involved and I liked them as a couple. I guess dreams do fade away.
I grew up in a nice New England town where you could wear white after Labor Day because, heck, it didn’t matter, everyone was white already! This is not a racist statement, it’s just the truth! Everyone was goddamn white!
Me at my junior prom with a bunch of other white people
That said, I grew up in a very welcoming and open-minded household. Just because I didn’t know any black people didn’t mean I didn’t like them! In fact, my first crush ever was of the African American persuasion. His name? The Kid.
Ta da!
The Kid, of course, was one of the original cast members of the child-star-factory called Kids Incorporated. Look at their wikipedia page and it’s like a frigging Who’s Who of ’90s pop stars, and not all of them are washed up! Alums include Jennifer Love Hewitt, Mario Lopez, Shanice, Martika, and of course Stacy “Fergie” Ferguson before she was a recovering meth addict and a Black Eyed Pea!
I used to watch Kids on Saturday afternoons (before it migrated over to the premium pay channel Disney in the late ’80s.). And I became obsessed with The Kid. He was one smooth talkin’ and talented kid, so much that they deemed him not worth of having his own name on the show, electing, instead, to call him The Kid. Way to keep a brother down!
The Kid was played by Rahsaan Patterson, who went on to a successful career as an openly gay professional musician that no one has ever heard of. How could I not know? He dressed like a flashy young black Dorothy Zbornak!
Ah, first love! Such a state of denial.
Happy Labor Day everyone! I bet you were thinking, Liz deserves a break. She spends all week working and watching tv to bring us such joy in her brilliant blog The DVR Files. And you would be right–I do! However, there is no time for a respite when there are hours worth of programming on my DVR just waiting to be watched!
And don’t even get me started on how far behind I am on OnDemand. I don’t even know what’s going on with Sookie and Alcide on True Blood! #LifeIsSoUnfair!
So while all of you were probably out barbecuing and drinking beer and traipsing around town with friends, I was inside eating and drinking beer and traipsing around on Facebook! And, of course, watching tv!
And while I may have taken two days off from writing, I’m back and better than ever with my soothsaying skills so we’re going to continue with the Emmy predictions, okay? Today I am pondering who will win Outstanding Guest Actor in a Comedy Series.
Here are the nominees:
This is actually a REALLY tough one because I watch every single one of these shows except for Nurse Jackie. Well, I don’t always watch SNL but I catch Fallon’s late night show from time to time and I already have a bias towards him because he married an older woman in real life.
So . . . let’s attempt to navigate this one!
First, honestly, though I LOVE Jon Hamm–and I don’t even watch Mad Men!–he’s got to go because he’s the Susan Lucci of primetime Emmys. Let’s make him sweat a few more years before he wins. Plus he’s also nominated for Lead Actor in a Drama Series, so let’s not steal this one from the others, okay? And as much as I adore Will Arnett and the humongous adorable redheaded babies he makes with wife Amy Poehler, home boy is the lead in another show Up All Night and why be greedy.
He’s the same size as Mom!
Ditto with Jimmy Fallon, who I worship but the man is already on TV every single week night, what’s an Emmy gonna do for him? And while Greg Kinnear’s career is slightly more quiet these days, he is a victim of my Modern Family backlash even though I love the show!
So now we’re left with two . . . Bobby Cannavale and Alex P. Keaton, I mean Michael J. Fox. As I mentioned, I don’t watch Nurse Jackie but I have been a fan of Bobby for years, ever since I saw him in the movie The Station Agent with Peter Dinklage. He’s not only talented and handsome, he’s also my favorite combination ever–Italian and Cuban! But that’s just superficial and I am really quite deep so let’s just forget I said that, okay? He was also featured on everyone’s favorite prison drama Oz and even read the audiobook version of one of my favorite novels Lush Life. So I would not be upset if he won the Emmy!
You can sell ME a hot dog anytime Mr. Cannavale!
BUT . . . perennial Emmy favorite Michael J. Fox was also nominated in this category, and while he’s won about 802 Emmys over the past 25 years, he was such a great sport playing himself on Curb this year that I just HAVE to bestow the Emmy onto him!
I bought this magazine back in the day!
So . . .
Who I Want to Win: Michael J. Fox
Who Will Win: Michael J. Fox
I know it’s late afternoon on the Friday of Labor Day weekend and you’re all, where is Liz’s Emmy prediction??? I need it now!!!
That’s what Veruca said, and look what happened to her!
Patience is a virtue, my friends. Granted, an overrated one much like virginity, but a virtue nonetheless. And now I at last am going to make my predictions for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series, which is sort of boring as far as Emmys go.
Here are the nominees:
Here’s the thing: I love all these women as much as John Travolta likes massages. As in, a LOT. But I don’t regularly watch most of these show. I mean, I go OUT on Saturday nights so it’s not like I have a date with NBC at 11:30pm. Let’s just forget that this is the DVR Files for a moment. Ha!
We might as well start. I’m knocking off Melissa McCarthy because she’s already nominated for Mike & Molly and why be greedy. If I knock her out of contention, I can’t very well give the Emmy to Maya, so she’s out too. Glee is for dweebs-sorry-so no Emmy for the Bieste.
And then there were three.
Elizabeth Banks seems like a nice person, but she gets to play a pretty blonde woman on tv. That’s not funny.
Being beautiful is HARD.
So now we’re left with Cho and Bates. This might be my Sophie’s Choice. I mean, based on how I dismissed Maya, you’d think I’d eliminate Cho instantly. BUT, as much as I love Kathy Bates, I just can’t support her work on Two and a Half Men. So . . .
Who I Want to Win: Margaret Cho
Who Will Win: Kathy Bates
Wow, I am a real soothsayer.
Just two days ago I asked the question “Could LeAnn Rimes push Kim Kardashian off the Throne as the World’s Biggest Fame Whore?” And today my question was answered.
Yup, LeAnn Rimes has succeeded Kim’s reign as the world’s biggest fame whore.
What makes me so certain that LeAnn is now wearing the fame whore crown? WELL, just DAYS after celebrating her 30th birthday and announcing to the world how fabulous her life is–via Twitter, of course–LeAnn’s publicist has announced that she has entered treatment to deal with stress and anxiety. Jesus F—ing Christ. What does LeAnn have to be stressed about? All she does is go to the beach and tweet pictures of herself in a bikini.
Life is so hard!
But then, of course, I am reminded that LeAnn is married to legendary squinty-eyed lothario Eddie Cibrian who famously dumped his first wife Brandi to be with equally squinty-eyed LeAnn. Bitch has a full time job just making sure Eddie keeps it in his swim trunks!
I just cannot feel sorry for LeAnn because, uh, she made this (potentially disease-raddled) bed for herself. Sweetheart’s rep made this claim in the STATEMENT he gave People Magazine: “While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.” Bish, please. You issued a STATEMENT to People Magazine! You could have gone away to Promises in Malibu and gone to the beach (when they let you out of the straight jacket) and just taken a tweet pic wearing a two piece and no one would have known any f’ing difference.
LeAnn will be out of treatment in 30 days, and I wonder how soon after that we’ll get the announcement that she and Eddie are breaking up. LeAnn will join an illustrious list of couples who publicly declare how great their lives are via twitter and tabloids only to split weeks later, including Ashton and Demi, Seal and Heidi, and TomKat.
God, I want to have a drink with Brandi when that happens!
Hello kidz.
Yesterday I spoke of the need to bring back Square One to television to introduce a generation of young children to the mad detective skills of Kate Monday and George Frankly on Mathnet.
You have the right to do algebra problems.
After all, geeks need quality programming too!
Know what they also need? TOYS!
Luckily, we children of the 1980s had manufacturers who recognized this, and hence the influx of Legos! Those little building blocks with the anatomically incorrect people were the bomb for future architects everywhere.
Know who agreed with me?
Zack the Lego Maniac!
The DVR Files 