The DVR Files

Okay it’s a Sunday in September so I assume you are all watching football. Maybe you’re eating really delicious buffalo wings and drinking beer. That sounds like a lot of fun. Will you please invite me over? I love a good wing.

I also love a good nacho.

Football is like church to me: I don’t understand it but it’s an obligation to watch on Sundays! There, I admitted it. I don’t understand football. I hate to disappoint you all because I know you thought I knew everything. So. F—ing. Sorry.

Anyway, just because I have no idea what is going on doesn’t mean I don’t like it! I remember watching the 1986 Super Bowl when the Pats played Da Bears.

Who else had this shirt???

As any kid at Franklin School in North Andover, Massachusetts can remember, this was a national holiday. We spent our art classes designing Bury the Bear posters, except for the Dupree kids because they were from Chicago and had to be party poopers.

My older sister Katie, a third grader at the time, went beyond art work: she wrote Patriots quarterback Tony Eason a fan letter. Tony Eason, of course, went on to give the worst performance in Super Bowl history as the Pats were devoured by those mean old Bears, 46-10. Ouch!

He WAS kind of cute, at least.

Whatever happened to Tony Eason? Eh, even wikipedia doesn’t know. He might be coaching basketball in Sacramento. Road trip anyone?

But first, give me some wings!

Wow. I’m kind of sad today. Don’t get me wrong–I had FUN. I went for a run, ate an arepa, met friends for lunch, and am getting ready to go to a party because I’m REALLY in demand. But–I can’t help but thinking what COULD have been. See, I should be celebrating my twentieth anniversary to Luke Perry this weekend!

“Liz, is it too late for you to lose your virginity to me at prom?”

See, twenty years ago I was a huge fan of the most important show of all time Beverly Hills, 90210. I can even tell you which episode was the first one I ever watched: the one where Brandon lost his virginity to his girlfriend from Minnesota, and the song “Hippychick” by Soho played in the background, and I blame Darren Star for me thinking that “How Soon is Now?” by The Smiths was a cover.

Can you f—ing blame me?

Anyway, I was into Brandon for like a day and then I met Dylan McKay who had sideburns from heaven and a trust fund from a wealthy dad! And he was bad, and I loved him.

I was TOTALLY convinced I was going to marry him even though I was only 13, because that’s how old Jerry Lee Louis’s third wife was so why not me! And then Luke met this chick named Minnie Sharp and she was a normal person and they got married in 1993 and I was DEVASTATED! Thank God for Andrew Shue, who was now on the scene on Melrose Place! But then HE got married in 1994. Boo f—ing hoo!

By the time Luke and Minnie divorced in 2003, I was totally over him anyway.

Just goes to show, when life deals you lemons, just order a beer instead.

Okay, I woke up early because I’m training for a marathon and have to go on a long run. Not to brag or anything.

But why are YOU up?

Perhaps you want to catch one of your favorite Saturday morning shows, Dr. Fad?

THERE’S my Wacky Wall Walker!

Oh wait, it’s not 1990. Then I have no idea why you are up. Dweeb!

Oh well. Let’s watch a clip anyway. It’s still WAY cooler than Kidsongs.

So . . . it’s Friday and I’m going home for the day! Yahooooo! I look forward to a weekend of watching lots of tv, because why have a life?

But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I have a really awesome and sometimes mustachioed brother named Andrew Kelley Simons and is a wicked talented singer/ songwriter based in Nashville. You can like him on Facebook too!

Here kitty kitty kitty!

I am PRETTY sure he will be a huge star someday, like all over MTV and BET and BBC America so you can be all, I saw him on The DVR Files first!

And not only is he dashing, he’s also an all around good guy. Look at this song he wrote for the super cool charity Soles4Souls, which collects new shoes to donate to people in need.

That’s my brother!

Happy Friday everyone! What are your plans for the weekend? If you have ANY kind of life you will be sitting in front of your tv all day on Saturday watching Bravo because they are running a double dose of AWESOMENESS: back to back marathons of The Rachel Zoe Project and my beloved Real Housewives of Atlanta. They’re even sprinkling a few episodes of Flipping Out in there. Don’t be tardy for THIS party!

Phaedra will tell you that everybody knows that sitting your ass on your couch is the thing to do this Saturday.

While you’re sitting in front of your tv, you’re probably going to get hungry. What should you should eat? A Werther’s Original?

Nahhh. Too small!

How about a Slim Jim?

Noooo. Too big!

I have an idea! How about a hunk of cheese???

Just right!

So . . . in the sixth month history of the super well respected blog The DVR Files, the two most popular days have been when I posted about natural beauty Courtney Stodden.

I wish I was born with that hair color!!!

Courtney, as we know, is the “18-year-old” married to creepy 52-year-old actor Doug Hutchison, who at one point in his career was on Lost, a show that I never watched because a former roommate who I hated liked it, and that just ruined it for me. He also was obsessed with Arrested Development, which I can’t watch for the same reason. Bastard. But anyway. This is not about me. This is about COURTNEY!

Courtney, as we know, was made for two things is this world: the stripper pole and reality tv. And lucky for you-she might have landed the latter, finally! Who the hell knows or even cares what it will be about. If the below is any indication, it will be AWESOME!

Ummmm . . . tonight is the MTV Video Music Awards, now known as the VMAs because why use syllables, and because I’m an adult I don’t care and will not be watching.

Larry David feels the same way about Wizards of Waverly Place!

I will say, once upon a time the VMAs were actually cool and bad ass. I’m talking the Downtown Julie Brown years, of course. No one actually took the awards seriously, and there was no self-righteous Kanye storming Kennedy-wedding-crasher Taylor Swift’s  stupid acceptance speech where she really looked like she was going to her junior prom anyway. Ugh. So boring.

Remember in 1990 when Faith No More performed their song “Epic” and lead singer Mike Patton went all flippity flop, flippity flop, on the stage like a fish out of water??? Ahhh those were the days.

Now we just get Lana Del Rey and Snooki. Boo.

In this day and age of quick turnaround, I am SO thrilled I didn’t invest more than three hours in, say, The Event, or The River, or Lone Star, because, well, they were cancelled SUPER quickly! I WAS sad that Fox made us say adios to Alcatraz, because it is one of my favorite places in the world.

And the hair is great too!

But I am SO excited about so many shows that WILL be happening this fall. My DVR will be on overload! We’ve got Boardwalk Empire, The Amazing Race, FOOTBALL, and The Walking Dead, and that’s just on SUNDAYS!

What will YOU be watching???

The 1980s were a GREAT time for PSAs, as we learned yesterday. But NONE will top this one.

Watching this as an adult, don’t you think, God, I wish my parents had been that cool? I was lucky to get a Capri Sun from my ‘rents–we were a Hi-C Family.

Yes, I’m talking about how many kicks does it take to get to the center of a goddamn Tootsie Roll pop.

How many f’ing cavities did you get in the 1970s and ’80s trying to figure this out? I even started using people for their access to Tootsie Pops: we had this neighbor who had a dog named Brock, and all us kids in the nabe would go over and pretend to want to hang out with Brock. But we really just wanted the Tootsie Pops that they kept in the foyer!

As a kid, I liked the magenta ones best because it was such a pretty colored wrapper. Now I’m solidly Team Chocolate. But I bite that sh–. No licks for me!