The DVR Files

Jesus F–ing Christ. Why do we even bother calling this Emmy Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series when it should just be called Outstanding Supporting Actor in Modern Family?

Honestly, I’m not going to do a big introduction. Let’s just announce the nominees.

• Ed O’Neill as Jay Pritchett in Modern Family
• Jesse Tyler Ferguson as Mitchell Pritchett in Modern Family
• Ty Burrell as Phil Dunphy in Modern Family
• Eric Stonestreet as Cameron Tucker in Modern Family
• Max Greenfield as Schmidt in New Girl
• Bill Hader as various characters in Saturday Night Live

At least Manny wasn’t nominated.

Don’t get me wrong–I LOVE Modern Family. I think it’s one of the sharpest, best written shows on television today with an excellent ensemble cast. That said, it’s just a BIT boring the way they dominate all the awards shows. I mean, YAWN! They’re like the 1960s Boston Celtics of TV, except less white!

Cameron is my favorite, but I actually think Jesse Tyler Ferguson gives a more nuanced performance. But then I get upset that Ed O’Neill never got the Oscar he so deserved for the movie Dutch. Maybe it’s his time?

I REALLY hope my mom gets me this VHS for Christmas!

Eh, maybe not. And then Phil won last year, so I’m eliminating him from consideration. So we’re left with Bill Hader and Max Greenfield, the Blanche Devereaux of New Girl.

Too bad Blanche has passed, otherwise you know she’d bring Schmidt to the Rusty Anchor.

I like both of them, but Schmidt is the best thing about New Girl, which is saying a lot because it is one of my favorite shows on tv this season and I have excellent taste.

So . . .

Who I Want to Win: Max Greenfield

Who Will Win: A male from Modern Family!

God, sometimes life is SO UNFAIR. Like, I have a dollar and want a Coke Zero but the vending machine only has Diet Pepsi. Or I have a dollar and want Peanut M&M’s but the vending machine only has plain M&M’s. Or I have a dollar bill and the machine only takes coins. I could go ON and ON, but I think you would have too many nightmares about the problems I encounter when attaining snacks.

It is also unfair that Sad Keanu is sitting all alone eating a sandwich. Here, let me come sit on your lap.

However, in a world of unfair predicaments, there is perhaps one situation that is the most unfairest of them all: John Tesh’s music, which currently is playing on my Enya/Yanni Pandora channel? Nope! I will tell you what is truly terrible . . . .

No one remembers the show FTV, not even Youtube!

I watched FTV back in 1985 when I was a wicked little kid living in the suburbs of Boston and shopping at Market Basket. I have no idea when it was on, what channel it was on, or heck even what the hell it was about. I just remember liking it. According to IMDB,

In this series, the players perform in comedy sketches that are predominately parodying the typical fare of MTV such as the music videos. In addition, there are regular sketches of pop music oriented feature characters as well as performances by various musical guest stars.

Well, there you have it! But where you DON’T have it is anywhere else on the Internet, even though it costarred Eagles guitarist Don Felder! His career must have been very “Desperado” at the time!

I also remember that actress Bridget Michele was a featured player. She later went on to much success in my beloved show Rags to Riches, which lasted a whopping one season. But at least you can find THAT on youtube!

FTV may be more obscure than the episode of Sister Kate featuring Milli Vanilli.

These days all the cool kids are remaking tv shows from the past. We’ve already got Dallas, 90210 and Degrassi.

Don’t forget your roots Drake!

Why not remake something for the geeks? That’s right, I’m talking about Square One. Eat THAT, Mathman!

I was introduced to Square One in second grade because my older sister Katie was bad at math and her fourth grade teacher told her to watch it. I was already a super big nerd whose teacher assigned me extra math homework just because so I took to Square One the way Britney Spears takes to Cheetos: instantly. The show compared two things that I loved best: humor and arithmetic. It was a hybrid sketch show that featured segments like Late Afternoon with David Numberman, Backstage with Blackstone, and the serial Mathnet.

MY personal favorite was But Who’s Counting? a game show where contestants had to make the biggest number. In the clip below, Oz fans will notice mean prison unit manager Martin Querns as a nice announcer! Who knew???

Hey all!

Remember back in the day when I had integrity and wrote about really important things that matter? Nope? Me neither!

Never trust a girl who dresses up as the MSN Butterfly.

That said, I did promise you AGES ago that I was going to make my Emmy predictions. And then stuff like the Olympics and Ryan Lochte got in the way, so I abandoned my crusade. But the bitch is back and today we are going to discuss who I think should be voted the Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series. Onward!

Here are the nominees:

• Mayim Bialik as Amy Farrah Fowler in The Big Bang Theory
• Kathryn Joosten as Karen McCluskey in Desperate Housewives
• Julie Bowen as Claire Dunphy in Modern Family
• Sofia Vergara as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett in Modern Family
• Merritt Wever as Zoey Barkow in Nurse Jackie
• Kristen Wiig as various characters in Saturday Night Live

Okay, really, this is a MAJOR snooze fest. I mean, not because the ladies aren’t bitchin’–they are–but because I watch 1.5 of these shows (SNL and Modern Family) and even with those low odds I know who’s going to win. So let’s talk about who WON’T.

First, let’s knock incumbent Julie off the list. Home girl as great as an uptight mom, but I don’t buy it that she’s acting. Hehe. And honestly, as much as I love Sofia Vergara as Gloria, it’s her boobs that are the starring attraction.

Sofia DID go out with Tom for a hot minute in 2005, so maybe she IS a better actress than I give her credit for.

Merritt Wever sounds like an insurance company, so she’s out. That leaves us with three: Blossom, Kathryn, and Kristen.

This past spring was Kristen’s last season on SNL, so you’d think she’d be a given the Emmy as a consolation prize. But then Blossom had to injure her thumb in a car accident and you KNOW there is nothing the Emmys like more than overcoming tragedy. Except for maybe death. And guess what? Kathryn Joosten passed away in June after an eleven year battle against lung cancer. So . . .

Who I Want to Win: Kristen Wiig

Who Will Win: Kathryn Joosten

The Lance Armstrong of reality tv Ethan Zohn and his longtime girlfriend Jenna Morasca, both winners of Survivor in 2002 and 2003, respectively, have adopted a dog together. Did you hear me? THEY ADOPTED A DOG TOGETHER. And if you don’t believe me, you can read the article on people.com.

Jesus F—ing Christ. Is this what our celebrity culture has come to?

Do not get me wrong–I actually like both of them. Ethan is a Massachusetts native just like myself and he used to have ringlets like Sideshow Bob.

Look at those boing boing curls. You KNOW Ramona Quimby would love to give just one tug.

He won the third season of Survivor with integrity (not sure if that’s an oxymoron?) and once played professional soccer and even founded a cool charity called Grassroots Soccer. He has been dating 6th season Survivor winner Jenna for years after meeting her at a, wait for it, Survivor party. How 21st century! While he hasn’t put a ring on it, they’ve stood by each other through a ton of adversity: her mother’s death from cancer, Ethan’s own public struggle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma, and even a season of Amazing Race where they got eliminated early. They actually seem pretty cool and it would be fun to have a drink with them.

Honestly, Jenna, how the hell do you not pull that hair?

That said, the fact that they adopted a goddamn dog is not newsworthy. Unless, of course, I am writing a blog post about making fun of it. Then you should read it.

What’s next? You going to tell me Marie Osmond Junior Selena Gomez’s dog is all grown up?

Oh sh–.

Confession: I am a HUGE fan of HBO shows by default. What can I say, it’s the elitist in me. Sure, I watch PLENTY of low brow shows like Virgin Diaries, Hoarders, and Masterpiece Theater (Upstairs, Downstairs was SO trashy), but if it’s on HBO I automatically give it a shot. Even if it’s called Girls.

It is SO tough living in NYC while being supported by my parents.

So naturally, I am SUPER excited about the return of Boardwalk Empire for their third season, premiering on September 16. I don’t even remember what happened last season except for two closet lesbos getting shot, a butcher hanging a man like a piece of meat, and Jimmy Darmody also getting shot! Fun times!

The thing about Boardwalk Empire for me, as it is the thing about ANY shows centering around organized crime, is that I never have any idea what the hell is going on! Was Johnny Sack bad on The Sopranos? Maybe, but he was so nice to his chubby wife! Even vampires confuse me . . . wasn’t Eric Northman evil in the first season of True Blood? Ahhh, who the hell can tell. The only thing evil about him is that he hasn’t gone out on a date with me.

Also–I am always confused how Steve Buscemi gets the chick, even if it is an annoying one like Margaret Schroeder. But what do I know.

It’s a lonely place at the top of the Fame Whore Ladder because you know a bitch is always going to want to push you off. We’ve seen it happen with Jill Zarin, Paris Hilton, and now Kim Kardashian’s position at the top rung is in danger of teetering over the edge because LeAnn Rimes is determined to push her off!

On my way to a Lifetime Movie premiere red carpet in my bikini!

See, today is LeAnn’s 30th birthday! And she celebrated it with 20 of her closest friends and why stop there. Let’s tweet it out! Look at my cake! It has me in a, wait for it, bikini! Ah, my life is SO awesome that I need to tell EVERYONE!

Gosh, remember the days when LeAnn Rimes was a squinty child prodigy country singer who looked like her dream was to be a grown up who shopped at Talbots? She looked 40 and sang like she was 40. Gosh, I miss those days.

Do you like my outfit? I got it at Bugle Boy!

Then LeAnn starred in a Lifetime Movie called Northern Lights (based on a Nora Roberts novel, of course) and ho thought she hit the big time! Already married, she fell in love with costar Eddie Cibrian–also married!–and they went on to proclaim their love via Twitter, People magazine, and beaches along the coast of California. Inspired by Kim Kardashian perhaps, bikini picture after bikini picture followed. Eventually both she and Eddie divorced their spouses and married each other. But one thing LeAnn didn’t quite calculate is that Eddie’s ex-wife Brandi Glanville is also a crazy fame whore, but way more fun! No, she doesn’t tweet bikini pictures, home girl gets cast on Real Housewives of Beverly Hill, a misnomer if I ever heard one, and we get to see live action shots of her in a bikini! Eat that LeAnn! But you probably won’t because it looks like you never even eat a cookie. Oh, did I just body snark? Oops!

Here’s the thing–the few times I’ve caught LeAnn on an interview on tv–remember, this blog is about TELEVISION!–she doesn’t seem that terrible! I feel so conflicted! But girl just needs to put down her Iphone and just quietly bang Eddie Cibrian because eventually I will come and get him. I would NEVER want a relationship with him, just a one night stand (sorry Mom!), and I’m NOT talking a Ryan Lochte one night stand, hehe!

Sure, Liz, you can come over and spend the night.

The 1980s were mostly a great time due to revolutionary tv shows such as Puttin’ on the Hits (a precursor to RuPaul’s Drag Race) and innovative furniture like Craftmatic Adjustable beds, but they were also a scary time due to Jimmy Swaggart and New Coke.

The 1980s were also terrifying because they dispelled a long-held myth that fruit was good for us. In fact, in this commercial for wacky candy Bonkers, we learned that fruit was dangerous. So very very dangerous.

Bonkers candy was a real conundrum. It looked liked Hubba Bubba, but you swallowed it! That is, if the fruity flavor didn’t kill you first. And now Leaf Brands Inc has announced that they will be bringing the candy back by the end of the year.

Who’s hiding in the basement with me?

Today I went grocery shopping, because that’s one of the things you do when you are an adult who lives on your own. I made a really cool list of things to buy, such as chicken, beef, watermelon, bacon, and fennel–just to name a few!–and checked them off as I put them in my granny cart, which is the most ironic name since I am not a granny!

Keri Russell uses one too!

Then I went home and put my groceries away, including two Smart Ones because a girl needs her Points Plus! And then I practically wept because I bought a huge ass bunch of kale that wouldn’t fit in my crisper and had to rearrange all my Gatorades and marinades to fit it on a shelf. And I thought to myself, is this what my life has come to? Buying a big thing of kale that won’t fit and that I will probably end up not eating because I won’t feel like washing it and then that’s $2.oo down the tubes or however hell much it cost, I’m too lazy to look at the receipt.

And the kicker is that Snooki has a baby!

I know that me buying vegetables that I won’t eat and Snooki spawning someone are not mutually exclusive entities. They CAN coexist. It just seems like a world in which they do is so unfair.

But good for her, I hope she treats Baby Lorenzo better than I treat my avocados.

Okay, I get it. Ryan Lochte is a stud. I have been a BIG supporter of the grill master on this blog because he is such a compassionate, articulate human being who cares so much about a woman’s feelings.

Hey girl, want to come over and wear shoes?

That said, while I’d be happy for him to find love as The Bachelor, there is someone else who I also want to bring back to my tv screen. Joe Millionaire! It’s time for the sequel.

Evan Marriott or Gaston from Beauty and the Beast  . . . you decide!

For those of you have blocked out the year 2003–which would be a TERRIBLE thing because it also brought us Gigli, Bennifer, and From Justin to Kelly–Joe Millionaire was a quality reality show about a hot guy named Evan who masqueraded as a wicked rich millionaire (hence the title!) when he was really a broke construction worker. A bunch of chicks tried to gold-dig their way into his pants before they found out he was po. In the end he selected earnest Z0ra who didn’t care about money, though they got to split a million bucks given to them by the producers! Surprisingly, they broke up after the show ended.

It KILLS me because I can’t find any videos online of my favorite contestant Melissa, who told us she was a “mercenary” kind of gal who really cared about the world and wanted to bathe babies in third world countries. Who doesn’t?

So–ABC–if you can’t get Ryan–you’ll hit the jackpot with Joe Millionaire!